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October 31, 2004
Quick Thinking
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 30, 2004
Old but smart...
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said. "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 29, 2004
Too clever
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard , were having dinner in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surpassingly high.
"I'll tell you what, "said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?" they agreed, but once he'd left Joe called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he's going to ask you a question; you should respond "one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.
Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"
Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "... plus a constant."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 28, 2004
God Created...
In the beginning, there was the computer.
And God entered: C:Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:God
Enter password
C:Omniscient
Invalid password
Enter password
C:Omnipotent
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C: Let there be light.
Unrecognizable command
C:Create light
Done
C:Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night
And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:Create firmament
Done.
C:Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:Create dry_land
Done.
C:Run firmament
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:Create sun_moon_stars
C:Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01AM, Thursday, March 5
C:Create fish
Done
C:Create fowl
Done
C:Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth where the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:Create cattle
Done
C:Create creepy_things
Done
C:Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:Create man
Done
C:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:Run Breath
Done
C:Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:Move man to Garden of Eden
Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:Create Garden_of_Eden
Too many parameters
C:Create Garden Eden.
Done
C:Move man to Garden of Eden.
Done
C:Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:Copy woman from man
Done
C:Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:Create desire
Done
C:Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden Eden.
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:Create freewill
Done
C:Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden Eden.
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:Create tree_of_knowledge
C:Create good, evil
Done
C:Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed. Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement,cancel, or ask for help.
C:Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:Ctrl_Break
C:Ctrl_Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES
PLEASE LOG OFF.
C:Create new world
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C: Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:Destroy earth
Confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 12:01 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
On Saturday, March 7, God rested.
On March 8, God created Macintosh.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
October 27, 2004
Thought for the Day
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 26, 2004
What's for dinner?
[Found at SilverBlue.]
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters,"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 25, 2004
Church
The three times most people are in church are when they're hatched, matched and dispatched
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 24, 2004
Swindled!
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 23, 2004
Duh?
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 22, 2004
East or West
From Column 8:
For non-locals I should probably explain that both places are shopping centres :-)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 21, 2004
Senility
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walked down the street to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drove by and a bag of money fell out of the back, practically at their feet! Sally quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what they should do with it so they took it home. They counted all the money, and found it was fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
But Sally said, "No, we've worked hard all our lives for precious little. Besides, they'll be covered by insurance - so, finders keepers." And she put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 20, 2004
Quick One
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: The State of the Demon Address
Real Unixphiles should be very interested in an article at MacSlash with the same name as this article. MacSlash is mirroring a post (from a slashdotted site) which runs through the current state of the BSD Unix market (real Unix - or as close to it as you can get).
[Aside for the newbies: Real Unix(tm) came from Bell Labs (later AT&T). The versions were named after editions of the manual: Version 1 .. Version 7*. Due to the normal academic need to fiddle, most universities added their own extensions. Many of these were bundled into the BSD (Berkley Software Distribution) - including code from UNSW (where I was studying). Later there was a fight between AT&T about Unix (BSD won). Commercial versions of Unix were forked from one (BSD led to SunOS) or the other (AT&T led to Solaris, AIX, HP/UX) or sometimes even from both (Pyramid had a dual-universe environment). The closest thing to the original Unix, in spirit and in practice would have to be one of the BSD family of operating systems. Note that BSD is exempt from the current SCO-stupidity due to the earlier court case. Also note that Linux is not included because it was not derived from an existing Unix variant.]
Anyway, the four current versions of BSD Unix are all included. Four? I know some of you are scratching your heads. Everyone can remember FreeBSD (great driver support), NetBSD (runs on everything including the kitchen sink) and OpenBSD (most paranoid secure). What is the fourth one?
Here's a little clue: it actually outsells all of the other BSD variants. In fact it is probably the number one Unix version shipped (over 10 million users).
Need another hint?
It's called Darwin.
[* I have worked on Version 6 and 7.]
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
October 19, 2004
Duh?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 18, 2004
Baseball in Heaven?
[Found over at Jaboobie...]
Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!!!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 17, 2004
Duh?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 16, 2004
Thought for the Day
It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 15, 2004
A Woman's Prayer
[Found over at CynicalCyn....]
Well, it is Sunday isn't it? And some people pray on Sundays!Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Amen!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 14, 2004
Programmer's drinking song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
TechTip: Google Labs Aptitude Test (GLAT)
The final entry in the on-going saga.
Brownie points to anyone who spotted the simplification from yesterday. By treating each equation in isolation we actually allowed combinations to occur that should not have. For example, we allowed for four possibilities in the second equation O - L = O but in reality there were only two possibilities depending on which of the two options was selected for the previous equation. Think about it, if we have already determined which choice was made at the previous step then that precludes us from making some choices at this step.
There are two options here, one is to continue to explore the interaction of the equations and the other is to rethink the whole program. The rethink requires us to introduce some sort of communication between one layer and the next. This communication is about whether a borrow has happened and hence there should be a carry included. This can be done using a collection of variables that is set or cleared depending on the choice.
Our first equation (T - E) = M now needs to be written like this:
# Add this near the start
my @Borrow = () ;
...
# Replace the old "foreach $T" code
foreach $T (@Values)
{
next if $T == $O or $T == $M or $T == $L or $T == $G
or $T == $E or $T == $D or $T == $C ;
if (($T - $E) == $M)
{
# Note that the '1' is for the 'first' or leftmost equation
$Borrow[1] = 0 ;
}
elsif ((10 + $T - $E) == $M)
{
$Borrow[1] = 1 ;
}
else
{
next ;
}
foreach $W (@Values)
{
Note that at this point we have not actually changed the program in a way that would affect the results. To have an impact on our current set of 30 solutions, we need to use the borrow array in the next equation. This in turn introduces another minor problem. We have moved the equation tests as close to outside the loop as possible (which improves performance) - now we have to ensure that we do not test the second equation until after the first one and so on. This will migrate code deeper into the loop which will slow the program down.
Here are the results after modifying the first equation:
$ time perl ./glat4.pl
There were 30 solutions
real 0m1.616s
user 0m1.297s
sys 0m0.010s
Now the second equation needs to move from the O loop into the T loop after the first equation. Without otherwise modifying the code:
$ time perl ./glat4.pl
There were 30 solutions
real 0m2.798s
user 0m2.698s
sys 0m0.033s
Ouch. As a programmer of the old school, I like my programs to get faster and tighter not larger and slower.* Let's add in the borrowing code and see if it helps at all. Note that there is both the code to set the next borrow and also use the previous borrow. Laying it out as a series of if/then statements is OK because perlmagic will happen...
This code appears just after the previous code and before the foreach $W:
if (!$Borrow[1] and ($O - $L) == $O)
{
$Borrow[2] = 0 ;
}
elsif (!$Borrow[1] and (10 + $O - $L) == $O)
{
$Borrow[2] = 1 ;
}
elsif ($Borrow[1] and ($O - $L) - 1 == $O)
{
$Borrow[2] = 0 ;
}
elsif ($Borrow[1] and (10 + $O - $L) - 1 == $O)
{
$Borrow[2] = 1 ;
}
else
{
next ;
}
Now the reduced number of cases helps to compensate for the relocation of the code:
$ time perl ./glat4.pl
There were 20 solutions
real 0m2.894s
user 0m2.665s
sys 0m0.025s
Finish off the code and you should get the right results:
$ time perl ./glat4.pl
(4, 5, 3, 1, 0, 6, 8, 9, 7) (0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 0)
(4, 5, 6, 1, 0, 3, 8, 9, 7) (0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 0)
There were 2 solutions
real 0m16.425s
user 0m12.823s
sys 0m0.114s
I did mention that there was another way to tackle it and that is to put one equation in the innermost look and drop the other equations (except for the uniqueness test). The innermost loop would contain:
next unless ($T + 10*$O + 100*$D + 1000*$W + 10000*$W + 100000*$W) -
($E + 10*$L + 100*$G + 1000*$O + 10000*$O + 100000*$G) ==
($M + 10*$O + 100*$C + 1000*$T + 10000*$O + 100000*$D) ;
Programatically, this is very inefficient but nevertheless gives us the right answer:
$ time perl ./glat5.pl
(4, 5, 3, 1, 0, 6, 8, 9, 7)
(4, 5, 6, 1, 0, 3, 8, 9, 7)
There were 2 solutions
real 1m27.429s
user 0m55.602s
sys 0m0.649s
I hope you enjoyed the puzzle, if you have any questions, drop me a line or leave a comment...
[* Larger and slower is the Microsoft school of coding...]
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
October 13, 2004
Chemistry
Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: Google Labs Aptitude Test (GLAT)
Yesterday we reduced the number of possible solutions from 1,000,000,000 to 3,628,800. Today we are going to further restrict the solution set by adding the individual equations from the formula. Each of these need to be added to the outermost loop which contains all of the variables involved.
If we start on the right, we have T/E/M and we know (from algebra) that there are two possibilities, either: (T - E) = M because T is larger than E or: (10 + T - E) = M when T is smaller than E. This limitation is placed just inside the T loop after the 'not identical' test we created last time. The T loop now looks like this:
...
foreach $T (@Values)
{
next if $T == $O or $T == $M
or $T == $L or $T == $G
or $T == $E or $T == $D
or $T == $C ;
next unless (($T - $E) == $M)
or ((10 + $T - $E) == $M) ;
foreach $W (@Values)
{
...
Out of interest, this rule alone chops the number of possible solutions by an order of magnitude:
$ time perl ./glat3.pl
There were 362880 solutions
real 0m36.330s
user 0m14.558s
sys 0m0.270s
The next equation is a bit more complicated and it is worth noting that this first pass is deliberately simplified. The base equation is O - L = O and there are four variations to consider which we can code like this:
...
foreach $O (@Values)
{
next if $O == $M or $O == $L or $O == $G
or $O == $E or $O == $D or $O == $C ;
next unless (($O - $L) == $O) or
((10 + $O - $L) == $O) or
(($O - $L) - 1 == $O) or
((10 + $O - $L) - 1 == $O) ;
foreach $T (@Values)
{
...
Interestingly, even though this option is not quite right, it has the desired effect and reduces the number of options:
$ time perl ./glat3.pl
There were 80640 solutions
real 0m12.120s
user 0m5.964s
sys 0m0.105s
Now we do the same for D - G = C (17,280 solutions), W - O = T (3,460) W - O = O (360) and finally W - G = D. Note that this last equation only has two choices, not four because there is no longer any 'borrow' option. The resulting code now gives us:
$ time perl ./glat3.pl
There were 30 solutions
real 0m2.527s
user 0m1.298s
sys 0m0.035s
Can anyone spot the simplification that was used (and is the reason why we have too many solutions)?
Can anyone spot a better equation to use?
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
October 12, 2004
From a science exam
The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
TechTip: Google Labs Aptitude Test (GLAT)
A couple of weeks back, I posted the logical solution to the Google Labs Aptitude Test (wwwdot - google = dotcom). I also mentioned that there was a programatic solution which proved that there were only two possible answers for the given criteria. Since that post I have had about 40 emails asking for the source code (which may explain why I have been a little slow responding to other email) and I figured I may as well post the whole solution on-line.
Rather than just throw a bunch of strange looking perl code at you, I decided to step through the design of the program and how I developed it. This is important because if you understand why and how then you should be able to implement the solution in a language of your choice (instead of perl).
I don't promise that the code is perfect (or even good) but as with many programs it was written to solve a particular problem and having solved it, the code will not be reused.
Basically we write the program by trying to establish the rules from the competition. To make the rules more obvious, we use 9 variables which correspond to the 9 letters in the puzzle:
#!/usr/bin/perl
#
my ($C, $D, $E, $G, $L, $M, $O, $T, $W) ;
We also need to keep track of just how many solutions we have found. In fact it is sort of fun to see how each additional rule restricts the number of answers:
my $Solutions = 0 ;
To make some alternative scenarios easier, we also declare an array of possible values (you may want to try limiting this to the values 1..9 to see if you can find a solution):
my @Values = (0..9) ;
Now for the first cut of the body, we are going to make a series of nested loops. This is not very efficient but it makes the rule encoding much easier:
foreach $C (@Values)
{
foreach $D (@Values)
{
foreach $E (@Values)
{
foreach $G (@Values)
{
foreach $L (@Values)
{
foreach $M (@Values)
{
foreach $O (@Values)
{
foreach $T (@Values)
{
foreach $W (@Values)
{
$Solutions++ ;
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
print "There were $Solutions solutions found.n" ;
Note that at this stage, we are not interested in what the solutions are, just how many of them can be found. Running the program on my laptop (while running off battery :-() gives me the following:
$ time perl ./glat1.pl
There were 1000000000 solutions
real 46m31.469s
user 17m0.175s
sys 0m11.492s
The first improvement we can make is to enforce the no-duplicate rule (i.e. we don't allow two letters to stand for the same number). This is done inside each loop with a next statement. For example the $M loop will now look like:
...
foreach $M (@Values)
{
next if $M == $L or $M == $G or $M == $E
or $M == $D or $M == $C ;
foreach $O (@Values)
{
...
Note that there is a comparison for each variable that appears to the left of $M in the initial variable list. Do not include $O, $T, $W at this point! Filling in all the conditions is left as an exercise for the reader. Note that we have reduced the number of possible solutions quite dramatically:
$ time perl ./glat2.pl
There were 3628800 solutions
real 3m24.680s
user 1m12.115s
sys 0m0.944s
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
October 11, 2004
Schools
Why do American Presidents send their children to private schools?
If they went to public schools, the Secret Servicemen would be out gunned!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 10, 2004
Hiccups
[Ed: I found this at the very excellent: Read My Lips....]
While waiting in line at the bank, a coworker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account.After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check."Why not?" my friend asked incredulously."I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.""It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!""Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that now your hiccups are gone."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 09, 2004
Flying High
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 08, 2004
Kids today
I found this post over at CynicalCyn. She asks if you know who said this:
Our youth now love luxury, they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love to chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.
I think it just goes to show that kids haven't changed through the ages :-)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 07, 2004
Not another Groaner
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 06, 2004
Groaner
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 05, 2004
Musically Challanged 3
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.
"200,000" replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
The new guest responds with "250".
"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five".
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: RSS Validation
I spotted an interesting alert over at On The Third Hand (one of the best blogs on the net) about RSS validation in WP. Given the increasing presence of RSS readers (and browsers that do RSS) it is something that you need to keep an eye on:
Just got a note from Kevin at Wizbang that my RSS feed was not validating. He also kindly sent along a link on how to fix it....
Since a lot of people aren’t too happy with messing around with PHP coding, I have a fixed file available.
Go forth and validate!
Currently playing in iTunes: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine by Jimmie Rogers
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
October 04, 2004
Musically Challanged 2
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 03, 2004
Musically Challanged 1
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 02, 2004
Longhorn Development
According to Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Longhorn will be late and it is all Apples fault:
Microsoft indicated that it was currently working on Longhorn, due in 7-10 years, and that its work was being impeded by Apple standing in front of the 30-inch Cinema Display showing Tiger and blocking its view.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 01, 2004
Its like that...
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM