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June 30, 2005
Restaurant Warning Signs...
[Found over at Cynical Cyn...]
Just because you're a tourist doesn't mean you should eat like one. How do you know if a place isn't worth your patronage? William Grimes, a former restaurant critic for the New York Times, serves up 10 warning signs.
1. The name of the restaurant is followed by an exclamation point.
2. It's called Bubba's Down-Home Barbecue -- and it's in Boston.
3. Out front, there's a big plastic chef holding a menu.
4. The wine list is bound in tooled leather and has tassels.
5. The cuisine is Chinese, Japanese, and Italian.
6. The review in the window has yellowed and started to curl at the corners.
7. The restaurant revolves.
8. The words "buffet," "all you can eat," or "salad bar" appear in the window.
9. The waiters are carrying pepper mills the size of shoulder-fired rockets.
10. The word "decadent" is used to describe any dessert.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 29, 2005
Female Toilet Saga
[I have to tell you that this story from CynicalCyn explains a whole lot of stuff that has always confused men ...]
This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public "restroom" (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to public toilets in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.
My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat�. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.
By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago.
Now, in my more mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.
When you have to go in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale of something in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.
You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the new-fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
Ahhhh, relief. More relief. But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew. You're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, "frankly, dear, you just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.
At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.
One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read �War and Peace� while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 28, 2005
Intruders
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
-- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 27, 2005
In Flight Food
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA,
"I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 26, 2005
Horse Riding
A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the K-Mart Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 25, 2005
Pessimist
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 24, 2005
Rules for siblings...
[Found over at Cynical Cyn ...]
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 23, 2005
Intelligence
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
-- Gallagher
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 22, 2005
Modern Laws
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you lie to the boss that you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
O'Brian's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 21, 2005
Insanity
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 20, 2005
Third Law of Photography
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 19, 2005
Experience is...
Experience is what helps us to make a different mistake the second time around.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 18, 2005
Famous Writer
One man wanted to become a famous writer.
When his friends asked him what does he mean by 'famous writer' he answered: "I want my works to be read by many people, and when they read them to become so exited so they would scream and cry!"
And this man has achieved his dream. Now he is working for Microsoft, writing error messages!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 17, 2005
Being Smart
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 16, 2005
Driving
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 15, 2005
Drew's Law of Highway Biology
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 14, 2005
Windows...
Windows - 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 13, 2005
What is the answer?
Unix is not The Answer.
Yes is the answer.
Unix is The Question.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 12, 2005
Linux is free...
Linux is only free if your time has no value
-- Jamie Zawinksi / founder of Mozilla.org
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 11, 2005
Laws of Frisbee
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck").
(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 10, 2005
Pay more for less?
[From DragonFly ...]
Has anyone else noticed that the exclusive schools (which cost a lot) actually have shorter terms than public schools (which are free).
That puts them in the same category as women's bikini's - the briefer the material, the more they cost :-)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Mac-on-Intel FAQ
MacSlash has the answers. Click on over to MacSlash | Mac-on-Intel Frequently Asked Questions for all the possible questions. My favourite gem has to be:Q: Will I be able to run System 6 software on Intel Macs? Apple will include Classic with 68k emulation, right?
A: Absolutely. And what a great idea too! Apple realizes the importance of running decades-old software that its users can't upgrade from due to stubbornness or misplaced sentimentality and so has invested millions in making sure you can bring your antique computer programs with you to the next Mac platform."
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (2)
June 09, 2005
Beer Flies
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.
The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.
Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 08, 2005
Political Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 07, 2005
Linux
Linux is like a wigwam - No Windows, No Gates, Apache inside.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 06, 2005
Deep Thoughts
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are low?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money in your account?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Do you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
MacOS X on Intel
Funniest comment to date has to be a comment at the MacWorld Forums by Leicaman:
In A.D. 2005
War was beginning.
Jobs: What happen ?
Schiller: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Tevanian: We get signal.
Jobs: What !
Schiller: Main screen turn on.
Jobs: It's You !!
Otellini: How are you gentlemen !!
Otellini: All your base are belong to us.
Otellini: You are on the way to destruction.
Otellini: What you say !!
Otellini: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Otellini: HA HA HA HA ....
Jobs: Take off every 'zig' !!
Jobs: You know what you doing.
Jobs: Move 'zig'.
Jobs: For great justice.
"All your G5 busses are belong to us." - Paul Otellini
[Ed: For those who have no idea what this is about, check out this story.]
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
June 05, 2005
More Faith
I have been catching up with my reading and I came across this very funny story which caused a near disaster on the computer. I just had to bring it to you...
I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed." The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that, hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 04, 2005
Identity
[From Column 8...]
"While trying to obtain a birth certificate for my 16-year-old daughter to get her L plates, I discovered why it is so difficult for Australians to prove their identity," writes Kathleen Swinbourne. "In order to obtain a driver's licence or a passport you need a birth certificate. But in order to obtain a birth certificate you need a driver's licence or a passport. Of course, if you don't have either of those, you can use your firearms licence, or your security guard/crowd control licence, combined with your veterans' affairs card. I mean, don't all 16-year-olds have these?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 03, 2005
Life
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ WOO HOO what a ride!
[Signature in an email from Cyn...]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 02, 2005
Empty Head?
[Found over at Cynical Cyn ...]
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..";
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty.."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 01, 2005
Commitment
From Column 8:
"My seven-year-old nephew was due to have a sleep-over with his best friend Sam this week," writes Roniece Dawson-Bruce, of Rozelle. "But he was umming and ahhing about it." Finally he decided he wasn't going, and told his mother the reason. "I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment with Sam at the moment."
Kids say the strangest things sometimes...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
X11 and Solaris
Q: I am using X11 on a Mac to connect to a Solaris server - all the fonts look like cr*p.
A: Easily solved. The Sun implementation of X11 fully supports the xfs (X Font Server). There are scripts on the Sun server to start this (see xfs(1)). Next you need to make a change on your Mac. As root (use sudo) edit the file /etc/X11/xinit/xinitrc. Just before the line that reads:
# start some nice programsinsert a new line that reads:
xset fp+ tcp/address_of_sun_server:7100The next time you start X11, the X11 server will collect any Sun specific fonts from the Sun server.
Note that if you are trying this on some other platform, the port number may not be 7100. According to this document, it looks like HP uses 7000 as the port.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM