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June 30, 2006
Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Posted by Peskie at 06:07 PM | Comments (1)
June 29, 2006
Coming riiiightup...
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.
The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"...
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."
Posted by Peskie at 06:06 PM | Comments (1)
June 28, 2006
Harry Potter #7 (Spoiler)
In an interview quoted in the SMH, there is a very telling quote from J. K. Rowling:
I've never been tempted to kill him (Harry) off before the end of book seven, because I always planned seven books and that's where I want to go.
So we now know that Harry bites the dust in #7 (which was pretty obvious anyway, given that he is one of the horcruxes which contain part of Mouldy Voldy's soul).
What is less clear is whether there are two additional deaths, or if the two deaths mentioned in the interview include Harry:
Children's author J.K. Rowling has revealed that at least two characters will die in the seventh and final instalment of her bestselling Harry Potter series, but was careful not to say who.
Children and adults are expected to rush and buy the final Harry Potter novel in their tens of millions when it is complete, and if the publication of the sixth book is anything to go by, secrecy surrounding the plot will be tight.
Rowling has already said that the final chapter of the seventh book was written long ago.
"The final chapter is hidden away, although it's now changed very slightly," she said in an interview broadcast on Monday on Channel 4. "One character got a reprieve, but I have to say two die that I didn't intend to die."
When asked to be more specific, she added: "No, I'm not going to commit myself, because I don't want the hate mail or anything else."
She did explain that she understood an author's desire to kill off the main character of a successful series.
"I've never been tempted to kill him (Harry) off before the end of book seven, because I always planned seven books and that's where I want to go.
"I can completely understand, however, the mentality of an author who thinks 'Well, I'm going to kill them off because that means there can be no non-author-written sequels ... so it will end with me, and after I'm dead and gone they won't be able to bring back the character'."
Rowling, 40, wrote the first Harry Potter adventure when she was an unemployed single mother, but has gone on to become one of the richest authors in history with a personal fortune estimated at more than $1 billion.
The Harry Potter series has sold an estimated 300 million copies worldwide.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (23)
June 27, 2006
Time
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
Posted by Peskie at 06:02 PM
June 23, 2006
McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
Posted by Peskie at 03:50 PM | Comments (1)
June 22, 2006
Church Service
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Posted by Peskie at 03:49 PM | Comments (1)
June 21, 2006
New House
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room.
But poor mom is still in with dad."
Posted by Peskie at 03:48 PM
June 20, 2006
One Liner III
The options for disputing a parking ticket do not include biting the parking inspector.
Posted by Peskie at 09:29 PM
June 19, 2006
Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Posted by Peskie at 05:01 PM
June 18, 2006
Helpdesk II
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Posted by Peskie at 05:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 17, 2006
Helpdesk
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah! Thank you!
Posted by Peskie at 04:59 PM
June 16, 2006
Truth
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,
two plumbers, and a bartender.
Posted by Peskie at 04:59 PM | Comments (1)
June 15, 2006
Definitions
Confusion is one woman plus one left turn.
Excitement is two women plus one secret.
Bedlam is three women plus one bargain.
Chaos is four women plus one lunch check.
Posted by Peskie at 04:58 PM
June 14, 2006
Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.
Posted by Peskie at 02:48 PM | Comments (1)
June 13, 2006
Cheap
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!" Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
Posted by Peskie at 08:45 AM | Comments (2)
June 12, 2006
Anything?
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean... my... house."
Posted by Peskie at 08:42 AM
June 11, 2006
Restaurant
When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."
Posted by Peskie at 08:24 AM
June 10, 2006
Audience
After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope.
"Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew.
"Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope.
"Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so ON and so on. So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right."
"Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope.
"Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 1, A.D . . . "
Posted by Peskie at 08:22 AM | Comments (1)
June 09, 2006
Army Camp
The grizzled old Master Chief was conducting the course in boot camp. He growled at me: "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling towards camp, what procedure would you follow?"
"Well, Master Chief," I answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."
Posted by Peskie at 08:21 AM
June 08, 2006
One Liner II
Undertakers. They always let you down...
Posted by Peskie at 08:18 AM | Comments (1)
June 07, 2006
One Liner
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Posted by Peskie at 08:17 AM
June 06, 2006
Nitro
Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the nitro in the boot to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat..."
Posted by Peskie at 08:14 AM
June 05, 2006
Fishing
I've heard some recent rumblings about fish actually feeling pain, contrary to what fishermen have been saying for hundreds of years. PETA, of course, is calling for all fishermen to "lay down their reels." But let me tell you about a new breed of fish the Department of the Interior was trying to create.
They started by crossing the Koho Salmon with a Walleye Pike and called the new fish a Ko-Wal. The results were perfect. The fish tasted great, reproduced well and was just what they wanted but only one thing. No one would go fishing for it because it wouldn't fight. It wasn't any fun so it was back to the drawing board.
Then they found the answer. They crossed the Ko-Wal with the Musky, the greatest fighting game fish ever. Now they had a fish that tasted great and fought like hell. Only problem was, when they named it Kowalsky, it drowned...
Posted by Peskie at 08:11 AM
June 04, 2006
Phones
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.
Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.
Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver.
"I'm talking to my wife."
Posted by Peskie at 10:48 AM | Comments (1)
June 03, 2006
Marriage II
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Posted by Peskie at 09:48 AM
June 02, 2006
Wife
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "My wife hasn't spoken to me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
Posted by Peskie at 09:45 AM | Comments (1)
June 01, 2006
Language
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes
Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?, What for?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"
Posted by Peskie at 09:38 AM