The two options we came up with were politicians and lawyers. The problem is that politicians are already jokes and lawyers doesn't always work.....

The example joke was one of the favourites in my house as a kid:

Well there was this Irishman who went to work with one red sock and one green sock on. His boss said to him: "Hey, you have one red sock and one green sock on". The man responded "Yes. And I have another pair like this at home"....

When my grandfather went to India he got off the plane and was greeted by an old friend who told him the latest joke going around:

Well there was this Seik who went to work with one red sock and one green sock....

Try it with a lawyer:

Well there was this Irishman who went to work with one red sock and one green sock on. His boss said to him: "Hey, you have one red sock and one green sock on". The man responded "Yes. I'll see you in court."....

Hmmmm.

A: Another lawyer.

1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."

2) None. Social workers never change anything.

3) None. They empower it to change itself!

4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.

5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.

6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.

7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

You only have to tell the computer once.

1) Axiom - Knowledge is Power

2) Axiom - Time is Money

3) Power = Work / Time (Classical Physics)

4) Knowledge = Work / Money (substitution)

Therefore, Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, for any given amount of Work, Money approaches Infinity as Knowledge approaches Zero!

PROGRAM FAREWELL_JOHN
IMPLICIT NONE
 
PRINT *, 'Farewell John W. Backus'
 
STOP
END

I have actually completely forgotten Fortran but I can still remember struggling with BNF grammers (Backus is the B in BNF).

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

More than six million computers world wide are now part of a "bot network", reported security firm Symantec.

What I want to know:

How many of them are Macs? None.

How many are running Linux? None.

How many are running Windblows? All of them.

Why are you running Windblows?

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground. He then yelled to the worker, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".

Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, "Bbbbbbbbbbbbbb Bugger. Too late."

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Sorry, Miss, I forgot to give my homework to the dog.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.

IT WAS a sight that had scores of tourists and swimmers reaching for their camera phones.
On a rickety pushbike, Mr Bean came to Bondi Beach yesterday.
The much-loved comic creation of Rowan Atkinson took to the sand - dumping his familiar teddy and towel to meet the lifesavers.
"It's very nice here," he mumbled. "The weather's hot, but the water's very cold."

I ran into some issues on AIX and I really wanted the equivalent command. Do you know it already exists (but is not referenced anywhere that I could find)?

Check out:

proctree Command

 

Purpose

       Prints the process tree containing the specified process IDs or users.

Syntax

       proctree [ -a ] [ { ProcessID | User } ]

Description

       The /proc filesystem provides a mechanism to control processes. It also

       gives access to information about the current state of processes and

       threads, but in binary form. The proctools commands provide ascii

       reports based on some of the available information.

       Most of the commands take a list of process IDs or /proc/ProcessID

       strings as input. The shell expansion /proc/* can therefore be used to

       specify all processes in the system.

       Each of the proctools commands gathers information from /proc for the

       specified processes and displays it to the user. The proctools commands

       like procrun and procstop start and stop a process using the /proc

       interface.

I guess I must be getting old. I recognized the image on the right straight away but most of my colleagues were too young....

A: The used car salesman knows when he's lying.

To check the understanding he changed the 8 to a 5 but the most common result was not what he expected:

A: Desserts!

Say, for example, you were running BigBrother (why?) on AIX (why?) and you need to run bootinfo -r. In this case the AIX partition is a NIM - so no sudo available....

What you need is a little C program:

main()

{

    setuid(0);

    seteuid(0);

    setgid(0);

    seteuid(0);

    system("/usr/sbin/bootinfo -r");

}

Note the full pathname used in the system call and the lack of externally passed variables - we don't want to make too big a hole here...

Compile this (obviously not on the NIM because there is no installed compiler). Install it somewhere safe - so that root and bigbrother are the only users that can access it and then:

chown 0:0 filename

chmod a+rx filename

chmod ug+s filename

Of course, if you are more security concious, you should have checked the userid in the C program as well....