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July 31, 2004
Shampoo
Extract from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop:
I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo.
Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't happen...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 30, 2004
Dinner's served
A hungry lion goes romping around the forest in search of food. Chancing upon two people sitting by the shade of the tree, it readies itself for the pounce.
Just then it realises that of the two people, one is typing away at a laptop, and the other one’s reading a book.
It immediately pounces on the person reading the book and gobbles him up. For the great lion knew – Writers block and Readers digest.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 29, 2004
OneOne
OneOne was one racehorse.
Tutu was one too.
OneOne won one race
Tutu got made into glue...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 28, 2004
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
* Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
* Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
* Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered ... not yelled.
* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. (corollary: "Love your enemies and drive 'em nuts!")
* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway
* Don't squat down with your spurs on.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger 'n you think.
* Only cows know why they stampede.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 27, 2004
Innocence
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 26, 2004
Birthday Present
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sara? A Jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 25, 2004
Bakery
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you ... if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, He answered my prayer ... on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 24, 2004
Train Travel
A customer wrote to his local train company, complaining that delays and overcrowding meant that he had been unable to get a seat on a train for the past 2 years. He said he thought the transportation system was worse than that used by people 2000 years ago. The rail company wrote back , saying the customer had got his history wrong as the only public transport 2000 years ago was by foot. Not so, replied the customer, suggesting that the company referred to the Bible, Book of Numbers, 22nd Chapter, where it says that Balaam rode to town on his ass....."That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your trains for the past 2 years!!!!!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 23, 2004
Caddy Comments
Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 22, 2004
You Can't Take It With You
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they
rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 21, 2004
15 Gallons of Milk?
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 20, 2004
Great Questions in Philosophy
The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time:
10. How do I know anything really exists?
9. What is the essence of being human?
8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life?
6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?
5. Is there a God?
4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
3. What is the meaning of life?
2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
And the answers:
10. Kick it *really* hard.
9. Not understanding the opposite sex.
8. Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.
7. Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a glass container, you are.
6. If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in every morning.
5. A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
4. I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.
3. All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
2. It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso.
1. Probably.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 19, 2004
50 Oxymorons - Part V
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top Oxymoron:
1. Microsoft Works
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 18, 2004
50 Oxymorons - Part IV
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 17, 2004
50 Oxymorons - Part III
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 16, 2004
50 Oxymorons - Part II
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 15, 2004
50 Oxymorons - Part I
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 14, 2004
Two Beggers
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City . One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 13, 2004
Drinking
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
----- George Burns
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 12, 2004
Foreign Aid
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
----- Douglas Casey
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 11, 2004
Cash extraction
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "Divorce Attorney."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 10, 2004
Deblogged
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
July 09, 2004
Fortune of the Day
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 08, 2004
Operator! Whats the number for 911?
Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the day.
I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard.
When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.
At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, "What was that?"
"My pager," I said. "I am 911."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 07, 2004
TeX Versions
Donald Knuth has announced that all future versions for TeX will be the digits of pi ... I.E. He has released 3.1, 3.14, 3.141, 3.1415, and 3.14159, and intends to continue down that line.
My carpool argued the merits of this the other day, but the only thing we could agree on is that it's irrational.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 06, 2004
Officer Fitness Reports
The British military regularly assesses their officers and produces fitness reports. The following comments are alleged to have been included in them....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- This officer is like a lighthouse in desert, not as bright and twice as useless!
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
How many of these appeared in Kerry's commendations?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 05, 2004
Another Funeral
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 04, 2004
Women
If there is one thing I know about women, it's that you should never laugh until you're absolutely sure that they're joking.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 03, 2004
Research
It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research.
Every day they discover something else that causes it.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 02, 2004
Quick Thinking
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
July 01, 2004
The Boss
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM