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March 31, 2005
God is watching...
[Found over at Cynical Cyn ...]
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 30, 2005
Not suitable for children...
From Column 8 today, we get a health warning on Easter bunnies:
Mary McMurtrie, of Berowra, writes that she "has just noticed on a chocolate Easter bunny a warning label which reads 'Not suitable for children 5 years or younger - small parts may be swallowed'. Well, what else are you meant to do with chocolate?"
Readers may have noticed that litigation-wary manufacturers now routinely stick these warnings on just about every product imaginable. If it has been imported, you can bet your last shirt that it will will carry a sticker "Not suitable for children under 3 years," and it doesn't much matter what the product is - babies' dummies included.
I think the sticker must have been put there by chocaholic parents :-)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 29, 2005
Fair is fair...
Apparently, Cambridge University has banned wearing a kilt to graduations:
If you thought Islamic girls wearing traditional headscarves to schools in France was causing a ruckus, imagine how this is going down north of Hadrian's Wall ... Cambridge University has banned students from wearing kilts at graduation ceremonies. It insists the ban on national dress is to underline that "all students are equal". Scottish politicians were furious, and The Scotsman quoted the Scottish National Party's shadow justice and home affairs minister, Kenny MacAskill, as saying the ban was petty and narrow-minded.
I assume that the loonies who made this decision have also banned turbans, Muslim dress, Indian dress - in fact everything other than the traditional English three piece suit (for both men and women). If not, then someone will have a case for the discrimination tribunal in Europe...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 28, 2005
The Living Daylights
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 27, 2005
Fifth Law of Procrastination
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 26, 2005
Write It Off?
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 25, 2005
Punctuality
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 24, 2005
Philosophy
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-- Sydney Harris
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 23, 2005
Puzzles
You may remember "All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous", but what about the following:
1. When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
2. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
3. A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
4. Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
6. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
Can you translate all 6?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)
March 22, 2005
Buzzwords
| 0. integrated | 0. management | 0. options |
| 1. total | 1. organizational | 1. flexibility |
| 2. systematized | 2. monitored | 2. capability |
| 3. parallel | 3. reciprocal | 3. mobility |
| 4. functional | 4. digital | 4. programming |
| 5. responsive | 5. logistical | 5. concept |
| 6. optional | 6. transitional | 6. time-phase |
| 7. synchronized | 7. incremental | 7. projection |
| 8. compatible | 8. third-generation | 8. hardware |
| 9. balanced | 9. policy | 9. contingency |
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 21, 2005
Bank Robbery
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 20, 2005
The nature of Tao
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master.
"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today.", he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 19, 2005
Doctors Knowledge
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 18, 2005
Orchestral Efficiency
Reading this (ABC) story:
A national report on the state of Australia's orchestras has struck a sour note with musicians. While the report finds that the New South Wales, Western Australian and Victorian ensembles are viable, the Queensland, Tasmanian and South Australian orchestras have been earmarked for downsizing and corporatisation.
triggered the thought of an old joke. After digging around on the net, I found a copy of it here:
Memo From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
I wonder if the bureaucrats involved in assessing the various orchestras realised that the efficiency story is supposed to be a *joke*...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 17, 2005
Subtlety
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 16, 2005
Odd Jobs
There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
"Forty dollars."
"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 15, 2005
Waking Up
Question: Do you always wake up grumpy?
Answer: No. Sometimes I just get up and leave her sleeping...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 14, 2005
Nondeterminism...
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 13, 2005
Reasons for marriage
Girls marry for love.
Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear properties.
-- Ashley Montagu
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 12, 2005
Timing is everything
Zall's Laws:
1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 11, 2005
Aftershave
A middle aged woman walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk for some aftershave.
The clerk says, "What brand would you like, Ma'am?"
"Hmmm, let's see. He is 70. Do you happen to have Old Spouse or something?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Disk Device Names (Solaris)
Last week, I mentioned a typical disk name as being something like c0t0d0s0. A reader wanted to know if there was any significance to the components of this name...
Believe it or not, there is some meaning and it is sort of historical. It reads (left to right) as C(ontroller) zero, T(arget) zero, D(isk) zero, S(lice) zero. Note that this is going from the largest to the smallest component. A normal Sun server has at least one controller (c0) but may have more. Each controller can have multiple targets. The number of targets is related to the type of the controller (normally SCSI). An IDE controller only has two targets (0 and 1). SE (Single Ended SCSI) normally has 7. Differential, Wide, Ultra, LVD SCSI all have more.
Technically a target can relate to multiple disks. These disks would share the same target number but have different offsets. I have seen this but it would be more than 15 years ago. Modern disk subsystems do not normally use this (unless you are mapping a SAN and using virtual disk numbers and even then it is more usual to fiddle the target numbers). The place where it still occurs is in low-end tape libraries. These may have a single SCSI target but then sub-numbers (disk numbers) for the drive itself, the library controller and possibly the auto-loader.
Finally we have the slice - Sun allow for 8 slices (0..7) but one of these is reserved (slice 2) for the whole disk. More on that next week...
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (2)
March 10, 2005
Coding
Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 09, 2005
Army discipline
The Commanding Officer of the Army base is searching desperately for a dime for the payphone.
He spots a private cleaning his desk and asks him "You got a dime on you soldier?"
"I sure do pal", comes the reply. The CO can't stand this and screams "This is the army soldier. And I am your officer. Discipline! Discipline! Now, let's start again. Do you have a dime on you?"
"Sir! No Sir!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 08, 2005
Perception problem
It's been raining for three days. Dark clouds blocking light out of the sky. Two vampire bats, holed inside a ruined building, have been starving for the three days.
One of the bat, not able to hold back his hunger for blood decided to brave the storm.
He leaves and comes back in about half an hour. There's blood all over him, and he flys in groggily. The other bat looks at him in wonder and awe. Asks, "Oh my gad! Where did you find so much blood?"
The first bat takes him out of the building and points to the east. Says, "There, do you see that building over there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 07, 2005
Cooking
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 06, 2005
Timing is everything
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window ... "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing ?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man ?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 05, 2005
Weeks / Months / Year
Do you love me:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
6 months: Here, for you
6 years: PHONE RINGING
Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress
6 months: You bought a new dress again???
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 04, 2005
Army Rules
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army preventive maintenance publication
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
V880 and AP
I had to spend some time earlier in the year investigating an interesting Unix problem (well at least I thought it was interesting - the rest of you may be bored witless by it). Sun Microsystems make an interesting server called the V880. which uses internal FCAL disks (instead of the more traditional SCSI arrangements). These disks can be attached to dual rings so that there are two hardware paths to each disk - an arrangement which helps with disk access (you can read from either controller) and with redundancy (the failure of a controller does not mean loss of access to a disk). Ideally the disks can be mirrored across backplanes which results in four paths to each filesystem and no common point of failure.
So much for the theory, how about the practice? Well, out of the box, you can see each disk twice - what you need is a meta-layer to create a common access point. In Solaris versions 6, 7 and 8; this is done with the AP package. Whack on the package, follow the instructions and Bob (or possibly Bert) is your uncle.
What about Solaris 9? Well that is the source of my problem - the AP package will not install under Solaris 9 and the official Sun solution is to use a Veritas solution (which costs money). Most customers are not real impressed by the suggestion that they spend money so what other solutions are there?
Well it turns out that what you need is the SUNWsan package set. The documentation for this specifically states that it is for *external* enclosures (like the 3300 storage boxes) but it turns out that the 880 fibre rings look like external storage to the software. So whack on the software (following the instructions for an external 33xx array) and do the normal discovery - lo and behold you will see the two controllers and you can then (still following the 33xx instructions) set up dual path names. Make sure you are working on a terminal with cut and paste because the path names are going to be really, really, really long.
Bonus tip: normally SDS (SVM) can work out path names - you can use c0t0d0s0 and the software knows that you actually meant /dev/dsk/c0t0d0s0. In the case of SUNWsan devices, this does not work. Use the full path names or you will get many, many, many error messages (that was the voice of bitter experience).
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2005
Why am I so tired?
I have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why I am so tired.
There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 02, 2005
School Photos
Today is school photo day - that means the kids have to get all tidy with polished shoes, etc. That reminds me of another joke from Cynical Cyn ...
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 01, 2005
White hair...
[Found over at Cynical Cyn ...]
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM