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March 26, 2007
Stereotypes
I was talking to a friend the other day about sterotypes. When I was a kid, all the jokes were "Irish jokes" but other people can remember "Polish jokes" or "Blonde jokes". Well this friend suggested that we need some segment of society which is completely despised and unloved and therefore suitable for joking about.....
The two options we came up with were politicians and lawyers. The problem is that politicians are already jokes and lawyers doesn't always work.....
The example joke was one of the favourites in my house as a kid:
Well there was this Irishman who went to work with one red sock and one green sock on. His boss said to him: "Hey, you have one red sock and one green sock on". The man responded "Yes. And I have another pair like this at home"....
When my grandfather went to India he got off the plane and was greeted by an old friend who told him the latest joke going around:
Well there was this Seik who went to work with one red sock and one green sock....
Try it with a lawyer:
Well there was this Irishman who went to work with one red sock and one green sock on. His boss said to him: "Hey, you have one red sock and one green sock on". The man responded "Yes. I'll see you in court."....
Hmmmm.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 25, 2007
Lawyers
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 24, 2007
Social works and lightbulbs....
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 23, 2007
Men vs Computers?
Why is a man different from a computer?
You only have to tell the computer once.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2007
The less you know, the more you get paid...
It's widely held that ignorance rises to the executive level, with a concurrent rise in pay; but, until now, we've had only anecdotal evidence of such. Well, finally, a formal proof is to be had.
1) Axiom - Knowledge is Power
2) Axiom - Time is Money
3) Power = Work / Time (Classical Physics)
4) Knowledge = Work / Money (substitution)
Therefore, Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, for any given amount of Work, Money approaches Infinity as Knowledge approaches Zero!
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 21, 2007
RIP: John Backus
Found this code fragment in the comments over at Slashdot:
PROGRAM FAREWELL_JOHN
IMPLICIT NONE
PRINT *, 'Farewell John W. Backus'
STOP
END
I have actually completely forgotten Fortran but I can still remember struggling with BNF grammers (Backus is the B in BNF).
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 20, 2007
College Graduates
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2007
Windblows vs the Internet
According to the BBC, there has been a 'Surge' in hijacked PC networks:
More than six million computers world wide are now part of a "bot network", reported security firm Symantec.
What I want to know:
How many of them are Macs? None.
How many are running Linux? None.
How many are running Windblows? All of them.
Why are you running Windblows?
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 18, 2007
Natural Laws
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 17, 2007
Lawyer Jokes
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 16, 2007
Microsoft vs vi
Someone sent me a link to this post: How the vi editor would seem if it has been made by Microsoft. Check it out (and laugh) if you are a Unix geek.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 15, 2007
Building site accident....
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Brick".
The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground. He then yelled to the worker, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, "Bbbbbbbbbbbbbb Bugger. Too late."
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (2)
March 14, 2007
Happy Pi Day
Posted by Ozguru at 01:59 AM | Comments (1)
March 13, 2007
The graveyard...
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 12, 2007
The lawyer and the chiropractor
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2007
What not to say...
What not to say to the nice teacher:
Sorry, Miss, I forgot to give my homework to the dog.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 10, 2007
What not to say...
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 09, 2007
Are You Free Mr Humphries?
Mr Humphries has gone upstairs to see the manager.....
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 08, 2007
Bondi and Bean
[NOTE: Click image to visit original image and story in SMH.]
IT WAS a sight that had scores of tourists and swimmers reaching for their camera phones.
On a rickety pushbike, Mr Bean came to Bondi Beach yesterday.
The much-loved comic creation of Rowan Atkinson took to the sand - dumping his familiar teddy and towel to meet the lifesavers.
"It's very nice here," he mumbled. "The weather's hot, but the water's very cold."
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 07, 2007
Having a bad day?
Did you check the warning signs first.....
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 06, 2007
Men Vs Women
This was sent to me via email, I have no idea where it came from originally....
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 05, 2007
ptree (Solaris/Linux/AIX)
Ptree is really useful when digging around trying to sort out process issues on Solaris. Turns out that Linux uses pstree.
I ran into some issues on AIX and I really wanted the equivalent command. Do you know it already exists (but is not referenced anywhere that I could find)?
Check out:
proctree Command
Purpose
Prints the process tree containing the specified process IDs or users.
Syntax
proctree [ -a ] [ { ProcessID | User } ]
Description
The /proc filesystem provides a mechanism to control processes. It also
gives access to information about the current state of processes and
threads, but in binary form. The proctools commands provide ascii
reports based on some of the available information.
Most of the commands take a list of process IDs or /proc/ProcessID
strings as input. The shell expansion /proc/* can therefore be used to
specify all processes in the system.
Each of the proctools commands gathers information from /proc for the
specified processes and displays it to the user. The proctools commands
like procrun and procstop start and stop a process using the /proc
interface.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM
March 04, 2007
Hi, I'm Linux
I guess I must be getting old. I recognized the image on the right straight away but most of my colleagues were too young....
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (2)
March 03, 2007
Salesmen
Q: Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
A: The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 02, 2007
Mathematicians do have a sense of humour...
A teacher was explaining to his students:
To check the understanding he changed the 8 to a 5 but the most common result was not what he expected:
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 01, 2007
Feeling stressed
Q: Are you feeling stressed and would you like to reverse it?
A: Desserts!
Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)