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August 31, 2004
Computer Games
Computer games don't affect kids; if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
...Hang on a minute...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 30, 2004
Changing Times
Q: What's the difference between the 1960's and the 2000's?
A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a drug store and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms!" and then whispers to the clerk, "Oh, and slip in a pack of cigarettes, too."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 29, 2004
Ha ha ha...
A colleague asked me: "Why do PCs have a red reset button on the front?"
I started to explain about resets but actually it was a joke...
Q: Why do PCs have a red reset button on the front?
A: Because they are expected to run Microsoft operating systems.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 28, 2004
Thought for the Day
It is amazing how many people want to live a long life and yet, so few want to grow old.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 27, 2004
Tax Returns
I need to get onto doing my tax return (which is where you ask the government very politely to return the tax that they should not have taken in the first place :-)). Every time I think about it, I remember the old joke about the new tax returns. The Gray Monk has an variant:
The old joke used to be that the Chancellor had a simplified new Tax Return Form in mind. It only had four questions:Where do you live?
How much do you earn?
Where do you keep it? and
Do you want to give it to us in cash or cheque?"
The one I remember was even easier:
1. How much did you earn?2. How much did you spend to earn it?
3. Send us the rest.
Sometimes it seems like it would be almost easier for the government to just collect the pay packet and then hand back an allowance - sort of like living at home and paying board :-(
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 26, 2004
One Liner
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 25, 2004
Satisfaction Guaranteed
A hearing impaired man walks into a hearing aid shop and asks to see the latest in the devices.
The store-assistant lays out a few. The man points to one and asks for its price.
The assistant replies, "$ 5000". "Whoa," says the man, "that's big. What does it do?"
"Well, for one, it can translate 5 languages and time your oven to make cakes"
"That's good, but I want something a little less expensive"
"Well, we have one for $1000, and it keeps track of your golf score" says the assistant.
"No, not for me. I don't play golf anyways! Do you have something much cheaper..."
"Well, we do have something for $1.50"
"That's great", exclaims the man. "What is it?"
"well, it is this string attached to a button, you just put the string into your pocket and the button in your ear, and you'll be surprised at how loud people can talk to you!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 24, 2004
Out of the mouths of babes...
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes. And my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
August 23, 2004
Politicians and Hell
[Ed: This joke has appeared before but this is an interesting variation given the upcoming elections in both Oz and the US. The parish priest read this out at the end of mass...]
This politician died and, upon entering heaven, met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final--no changing your mind."
So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.
Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with "HELL." Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing around eating, drinking, dancing and playing golf -- in general having a great time. The politician thought that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told him that he had chosen hell.
Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up and asked if there was some problem. "Yes," the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What happened?"
"Well," the devil replied, "that was when we were campaigning - now you have voted!!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 22, 2004
Thought that counts
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 21, 2004
Groan
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "She sells C cells by the sea shore."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 20, 2004
Money Maker
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
August 19, 2004
Its the thought that counts
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 18, 2004
Baptist Dog
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your
description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog,
"Go get a Bible." And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23". The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.
The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 17, 2004
PC Doc
When the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart:
"Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 16, 2004
The Parking Ticket
[Found in the comments over at WizBang (and edited to make it local) ...]
Working people frequently ask employed people what they do to make their days interesting.
Back when I was looking for a job I popped into a store. I was only in there for about five minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving an unemployed bloke a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Vote for the Greens" bumper sticker on it.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 15, 2004
Pulling Rank
The Senator of New Jersey is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter.
"May I have some butter, please?"
The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off.
Ten minutes later, still no butter. The politician catches the waiter's eye
"May I have some butter, Please?"
Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still no butter.
"Maybe you don't know who I am," says the Senator. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States senator from New Jersey, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."
"Maybe you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Bad blocks (mirrored disk)
What a long day... the main problem was some bad blocks in a filesystem.
No big deal. Run fsck. Fsck complains that there are five bad blocks.
Hmmm. This is a RAID filesystem. It contains two 18Gb disks mirrored. A bad block shouldn't happen (after all there are two copies of the data).
Checked the partitions using format (this is a Solaris system). Interesting, no over-lapping partitions in use (the biggest cause of bad blocks on mirrored disks). Check the alternate superblocks using newfs -N (try doing that without the -N and you could end up back on the unemployment queue).
Hmmm. There is another similar filesystem, also raid with 2 x 18Gb and it is fine. BUT according to df -k it is smaller than our dodgy filesystem. Check the partition maps again. There are the same. Most of the disk is allocated to the data partition with a small slice for a SDS metadisk. Why would they be different sizes?
I have a sneaking suspicion that I know. Let me grab a vanilla 18Gb disk and shove it in the system (thank goodness for hot swap drives and spare slots in the drive tray). Create only **one** partition and newfs it. When I mount it, it is the same size as the dodgy partition.
Ah-ha. In the dim distant past, someone created **one** partition and newfs'd it. Then they changed the partition map and gave the small slice to SDS (which uses it as a raw partition). They did not newfs the changed partition. End result is that we have a mounted filesystem which is **bigger** than the underlying partition. Naughty, naughty.
That explains why the five bad blocks, which happens to be the right size for two copies of a metadatabase (i.e. created with the -c 2 option) are outside the partition. I was curious about that and was wondering if I had confused some maths somewhere.
Fix: Copy all the data from the dodgy partition to the spare disk, newfs the dodgy one (which is now the same size as the good one) and the copy all the data back again. Phew.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
August 14, 2004
The Boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 13, 2004
Teeth
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"$130 dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $100.00, but it would be very painful"
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time if instead of using my normal surgical procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I could get away with charging $50.00"
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $25.00"
"Marvellous," says the man, "book an appointment for my wife next week!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 12, 2004
A Matter of Perspective
Two old farmers are having a drop of the nourishing nectar* in the pub when the tele starts up with a story about the hurricanes and tornadoes in Florida.
After watching in silence while pictures of devastation flash before them, one turns to the other as the story ends and says: "At least they are getting plenty of rain..."
[Ed: On a more serious note, our prayers are with the people of the Caribbean and South East US as they face yet another violent storm.]
[* i.e. Beer]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 11, 2004
Flags
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 10, 2004
Father O'Malley
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 09, 2004
Too True
Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody but Me"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 08, 2004
Logical
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 07, 2004
Intelligent Life
The class had been discussing the possibility of life in our solar system. One student asked, “If there are people on other planets, why don’t they contact us ?”
The teacher looked slowly around the room at the students and replied, sweeping his hand, “Would you ?”
[Ed: Posted by Peskie but restored by me...]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 06, 2004
More Kiwi Humour
A comment from the eminently readable Fi on this post reminded me of another story.
The other night on the radio, there was an economics report which touched on a company merger in NZ. As a result of the merger, there was a payout for the shareholders. At that point the news guy switched to a tape recording of some NZ bloke talking about the result. The Kiwi claimed that the shareholders were delight at the payout which was “two dollars and sex” (i.e. $NZ2.06). The radio station cut back to the bloke in Sydney who was trying to stifle gales of laughter about a company that provided sex to its shareholders.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 05, 2004
Kiwi Accent
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken’s - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks peck - half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beaz - National drink, consumed instead of water
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 04, 2004
Equal Rights
[Ed: Posted by Peskie but restored by me....]
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore.” So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I ’m having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes.”
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 03, 2004
Crossing the River
Three women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first woman prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second woman prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools ‘and the intelligence’ to cross the river.”
Poof! She was turned into a man. He checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 02, 2004
Strange Phonecalls
[Posted by Peskie, recovered by me....]
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear’.”
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
August 01, 2004
Mum's Vocab
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..
WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM