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November 30, 2004
God vs Satan
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created HMO's.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 29, 2004
Lawyers
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
November 28, 2004
Running a Stop Sign
[Found over at CynicalCyn...]
A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says, "Do you want me to stop OR JUST SLOW DOWN
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 27, 2004
Blonde vs Redhead
[Found over at SilverBlue...]
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
November 26, 2004
Too True
Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 25, 2004
Motivation
[Found over at SilverBlue.]
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a 'pep talk'.
"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and
you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing."
"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise."
"It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your new power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say,. . . 'Who gives a shit?'"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
November 24, 2004
Tricky
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read...
'MAIN ENTRANCE'
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 23, 2004
Blonde
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 22, 2004
Lottery Winner
[Found over at Read My Lips ...]
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 21, 2004
Politically Incorrect (but funny)
If you are in need of a good laugh, you could always try Hog On Ice (you can vote for Steve H here).
In a very recent posting about testosterone patches for women, he notes:
Maybe judges should make them mandatory for women who can't drive.And hey, I think we finally have the answer to those low female math scores.
On the down side, side effects include hogging the remote and thinking farts are really funny.
Without that punchline I was about to get in trouble from my other half ...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 20, 2004
December and December
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 19, 2004
Jonah and the Teacher
[Found over at Cynical Cyn ...]
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 18, 2004
Smart
The headwaiter of the five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard with flecks of long ago food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your dunny?"
The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
November 17, 2004
Obituary
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 16, 2004
Confused Court
Farm drama
In one of their more delicate rulings of recent years, British television watchdogs ruled that a pig sexually pleasured on television did not feel degraded by the experience.
Dozens of viewers complained about the episode in the reality-TV show The Farm, in which a series of celebrities were sent to do tough work with agricultural crops and animals.
The audience were treated to the sight of Rebecca Loos, the self-proclaimed ex-lover of England football captain David Beckham, stimulating the boar for 10 minutes to produce a flask of semen.
Many viewers complained to the government's Office of Communications (Affectum) that this was "akin to bestiality", while a leading animal charity condemned the scenes as "morbid and sordid".
But in its ruling, Affectum cleared broadcaster Channel Five of breaching decency standards, saying the procedure was perfectly normal.
"The task performed by Rebecca Loos is one that occurs regularly on UK farms. It was properly supervised by a qualified veterinary surgeon and was carried out for a genuine purpose - to artificially inseminate the pigs on the 'celebrity farm'," the ruling said.
It added: "We don't believe that the scene was degrading or harmful to the boar."
But was it degrading to the lady involved? Since when did the feelings of the pig become so important?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 15, 2004
Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 14, 2004
Dead Mother-in-law
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 13, 2004
Slow Trains
There was this old country train and it was taking it's time. Stopping at every station and between just about every station as well. The day was hot. The trains (in those days) were not air-conditioned and most of the windows were stuck shut. Given the slow speed of the train there was almost no breeze anyway.
When the train came to yet another random stop in the middle of nowhere, one fellow decided to open the door and step out onto the tracks. Of course opening the door triggered an alarm of some kind and the guard came running.
"What do you think you're doing" he puffed to the gent.
"I thought I'd pick some flowers" said the fellow.
The guard looked around in amazement at the barren landscape.
"There ain't no flowers 'ere" he stated.
"That's OK." said the passenger, "I've a packet of seeds in my pocket."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 12, 2004
Oops
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Brown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was inappropriate, and that she should say, "I am Jane Brown."
When the Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Brown's daughter?" she replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 11, 2004
Who says blondes are not smart?
[Found over at SilverBlue...]
I should have done this when I got my windows...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I 'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he felt real stupid, huh!!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 10, 2004
Short Story
[Found over at SilverBlue...]
The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class. The instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
November 09, 2004
Weight a minute...
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this manoeuvre, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
November 08, 2004
Sprung!
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 07, 2004
The Electric Chair
[Found at CynicalCyn...]
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
November 06, 2004
Out of the Mouth of Babes
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
November 05, 2004
Smart Alec
[Found over at SilverBlue...]
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big chests"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
November 04, 2004
Learning
A father and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 03, 2004
Love and energy
[Found over at Abhi's blog... ]
Love in the realm of physics:
Love is like energy which can neither be created nor be destroyed…It can just be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 02, 2004
Army Women
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if they can fight, if they can kill.
I think they can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
November 01, 2004
Portrait of God
[Found over at Cynical Cyn ...]
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM