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March 31, 2003
Women Drivers
From Theepan (so don't throw anything at me):
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 30, 2003
Wierd Stuff
Friday afternoon, walking to the bus stop. Waiting for the walk light are maybe five people plus me. The walk light on the road on the road to my left is green and this seagull is crossing the road. He (or she) reaches the curb near my feet and waits like the rest of us. When the light in front turns green, the seagull walks across just like we do. After reaching the far side it takes off down the road, flying about two foot of the ground! Maybe it had a previous bad experience flying across intersections?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 29, 2003
Forklift?
This is definitely a case of how not to use a forklift. I would not like to be the fellow standing just to the left of the action:
[I thought I saw this on a blog browse recently but could not find it when I looked again. A couple of people sent me emails of it but if you know the source, send me the url and I'll publish it....]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 28, 2003
Feeling Down?
Spotted a great post on Cogito, ergo doleo which I can't link directly to (so I'll quote instead):
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of Gin. You have no idea how good I feel.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 27, 2003
Witty Sayings
Via email (some editing):
One of the benefits of getting older is that you get wiser as well:
* I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
* Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
* Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
* I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
* Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 26, 2003
Jini
Very helpful having a Genie. Without one, lots of jokes wouldn't work (guess that's why Sun called their lovel-level java stuff Jini).
Anyway, there was this Genie who was on holidays. Bored enough to walk around the city park. He spots this fountain with the statue of the "two lovers". This couple are forever together but forever apart. Lips poised inches away but not quite touching. Genie, being a bit depressed himself at the prospect of returning to work (like in IT, he is on call 24x7) is feeling sorry for the couple so he works his magic and brings them to life for one hour (any longer would cause a union dispute). He explains that they have one hour to do whatever they want before returning to be statues again. The two duck off behind the bushes and there is lots of suggestive rustling and giggles of glee. Ten minutes later they are back. "Wow" says the Genie, "that was fast, but you still have another fifty minutes". The two statues look at each other fondly. "Want to do it again", the male statue asks. "OK" says the female, "but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll sh*t on it".....
I guess some days you are the pidgeon and some days you get to be the statue...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 25, 2003
Salesmen ...
[From Theepan!]
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Buzz off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of cow manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 24, 2003
Translation 101 F
This article is for women. That's right, I'm being sexist. There will be another article somewhere (Translation 101 M) for men...
OK, all you women who are still reading; this is a translation guide so that you can understand what men are saying. Forget the words, learn to recognise the underlying message...
MEN'S ENGLISH
οΏ½1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 23, 2003
Translation 101 M
This article is for men. That's right, I'm being sexist. There will be another article somewhere (Translation 101 F) for women...
OK, all you men who are still reading; this is a translation guide so that you can understand what women are saying. Forget the words, learn to recognise the underlying message...
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obviousοΏ½ by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 22, 2003
Consultants
I have seen a number of varients on this theme. Some involving blondes, some involving Microslosh consultants, some (like this) are more generic (but still funny):
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog."
I am guessing that a real consultant would have insisted that the shepard pay in advance for the satellite time and the paper :rofl.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
March 21, 2003
Hu's on first
A buddy sent me an email with this story. I don't know who Jim Sherman is but this was funny anyway:
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this the other day after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi : Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food
in the Middle East?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 20, 2003
We are Australian
A few years ago, there was this theme song that was being played all the time called "I am, you are, we are, Australian" and it was all about multiculturalism and tolerance and stuff. I never really quite worked out who was pushing it and/or why but a friend sent an interesting permutation on the theme. Thanks Steve:
We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional idiot.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next??
Why he filled it with idiots remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
You are, I am, we are Australian.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 19, 2003
19102 (Y2K + 1)
Most programmers would spot the title being based on an old erroneous fix for the Y2K bug (programmers just stuck a '19' in front of the year). Well I received an email about how we can tell that we survived Y2K ...
You know you're living after Y2K when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. [I answer the phone at work as if I was at home]
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
and the real clinchers are...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9. (Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 18, 2003
Slow Scots
The slow neurons reminds me of my wife's favourite joke. You see there is this big dinner party and the speaker doesn't want to embarrass any of the guests so he starts by asking if there are any Scots present. There is no response but he asked again to be sure. Still no response so he launches into the joke: "You see there was this Scotsman and you all know how slow Scotsman are ...". He is interrupted by an irate guest (imagine Glasgow accent here): "Hang on mon, I'm a Scotsmon!".
Now whenever the kids have one of those slow moments followed by an 'Aha' flash of inspiration, my wife looks at me and says: "Must be the Scottish blood".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 17, 2003
Nullus Anxietas
As one reader pointed out, my dog-latin translation for Terry Pratchett's "Nullus Anxietas" was (intentional) wrong. That was because I didn't want to spoil a lead in to this joke......
There was an Englishman who was diagnosed with brain cancer (no that's not the joke - quiet in the peanut gallery). The specialist explained that due to the advanced state of the tumour, the only choice was an immediate operation to remove about 50% of the brain. The Englishman was very concerned about the possible loss of half his brain (quiet in the French quarter), but the surgeon reassured him that he would end up speaking and sounding like an American. This almost caused a heart-attack on the part of the patient but he settled down after the clarification that as he would be for all intents and purposes, an American, he would be unaware of what he had lost. After all there are millions of Americans out there and none of them have half the brain of your average Englishman and they don't seem to mind it all (Oy, you yanks keep reading, the good bit is still coming).
The Englishman spent several sleepless nights pondering the quandary. Which was better: to be a dead Englishman or a live American. Not an easy decision. Just think, if he went for the operation, his friends would shun him and he would be the butt of jokes the whole world over. The thing that finally swayed him was the consideration that no Frenchman would ever consider speaking to him again.
The only problem was that the indepth consideration had taken time and the tumour was rapidly expanding. When the surgeon opened up the brain he realised that he would have to remove 75% to defeat the tumour. Now this is not the sort of operation where you can wake the patient up and ask permission. Nor could he afford to delay the operation for a few days to wait until the patient was clear of the anthesthetic. So he went ahead, cut out the tumour, cleaned everything up and waiting outside the recovery area, chewing his fingernails.
As soon as the nurse advised that the patient was coming around, the doctor raced in. He found the patient sitting up in bed looking around blearily. He started to apologise, explaining the risks and the growth of the tumour. The patient waved one hand in dismissal and said ....
NO WORRIES MATE! SHE'LL BE RIGHT.
[Ob. Exp: For the humour impaired (and those who only read half the joke), the phrase "No worries" is very Australian, and is also the correct translation of the Latin "Nullus Anxietas". Unlike some other cultures, Australians are quite happy to be the butt of their own jokes......]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 16, 2003
Another Elevator Story
In response to my earlier joke about elevators, Theepan sent the following story but it took a while to clear out me email so it has been delayed a couple of weeks:
A boy and his father from the back of beyond were visiting the city for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide backtogether again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.
"While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ......
"Go get your mother".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 15, 2003
What do Bears Eat?
Q. We all know that lions eat anything but what do bears eat?
A. Apparently they eat submarines .....
[Ed: The link is now defunct but by searching google I managed to find a cache of the original post at http://www.atlanticfleet.navy.mil/ssn21-bear0427.htm.]
The text reads:
Near the North Pole (Apr. 27, 2003) -- During Exercise ICEX 2003, the Seawolf-class attack submarine USS Connecticut (SSN 22) surfaced and broke through the ice. This polar bear, attracted by the hole which can be used to find food, was seen through the sub's periscope and these photos were captured as the image was projected on a flat-panel display. After investigating the Connecticut for approximately 40 minutes, the bear left the area, with no damage to the sub or to the bear. U.S. Navy photo by Mark Barnoff.
The photos (in order) were:
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 14, 2003
Women vs Men
Well Valentines Day is over, and I guess most of you have realised that men and women see things differently. Here is yet another example:
How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
For the response, check the extended article ...
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates".
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (6)
March 13, 2003
Talking Frog
An oldie but a goodie:
The Frog
This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here."
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth, at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 12, 2003
A Better Offer
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
After the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 11, 2003
Circular Logic
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 10, 2003
Precious Cow
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 09, 2003
Fighting
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
March 08, 2003
Fortune Cookie
"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment."
- Tom Hertz
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 07, 2003
Help Line
I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:
Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
C: But how do I get there?
Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?
- And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:
C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 06, 2003
Male Rules
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down: You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - maximum. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 05, 2003
Virus Warning
This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
I finally got rid of this virus that infected my life, just over a year ago, and my health has never been better.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 04, 2003
Sysadmin Guide
You too can help your sysadmin. Here are a few of the best ways:
Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Ralph likes to guess what the error message was.
When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big Connector." Ralph likes it when you use such technical terms.
If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ralph likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.
When Ralph says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for him to remember your password.
When you call Ralph to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ralph doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.
When Ralph sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled email software.
When Ralph's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Ralph lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing computers, especially yours.
When Ralph's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.
Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Ralph. There's electronics in it, so it should be right up his alley.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ralph. He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.
When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ralph's chair the next morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. Ralph just loves a good mystery.
When you have Ralph on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your PC, read the newspaper. Ralph doesn't actually mean for you to DO anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.
When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to sign up. Ralph will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That should do the trick.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.
If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Ralph will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.
When Ralphs's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.
When Ralph asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ralph for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.
When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ralph to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page Word document.
When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check if the printer has enough paper. That's Ralph's job.
When Ralph calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed 24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn't bother to add more paper.
When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. Ralph's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.
When you bump into Ralph in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers, even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ralph will be there for you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access database keel over and die.
When you bring Ralph your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because everyone knows he doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.
Don't ever thank Ralph. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!
Send Ralph hundreds of pages of documentation relating to a dozen obscure applications he's never heard of (and still in Beta), and get him to provide a review within a couple of days...he's got nothing better to do.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 03, 2003
Work vs Jail
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison taxpayers pay all expenses, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you can join many programmes, which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programmes you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers who are always sadistic.....
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 02, 2003
Bad Latin!
Yesterday I failed to correctly identify some Latin (Cogito, ergo doleo) and I thought I could make up for it with some loose translations of my own. In particular I would like to violate one of the rules of blogging (which from memory reads: "No one gives a stuff about your university"). I mean to say, I break all the other rules (like the one about publishing "search strings" - I get more demand from friends for that than any other topic).
OK. I went to UNSW (University of New South Wales) for my first degree (and 2nd and 3rd) and they have the wonderful Latin motto: "Thinking About Working" (Manu Et Mente).
My parents (and my wife) went to The University (i.e. the oldest in Australia - Sydney University) and their motto (at least according to my father) is "Silly Men, Eat Potato" (Sidere Mens Eadem Mutato).
One of the colleges at UNE (University of New England) uses the motto: "Salute the messiest student: (Salubritati et litteris studemus). Another uses: "Verily Students (should be) prosecuted" (Veritatis Studium Prosequi) and UNE is of course: "A Snake Made Us" (Ex Sapientia Modus).
I have a intellectual brother who not only corrects my terrible translations but explained once how to order a cappucino in Latin (despite my suggestion that they hadn't been invented at the time). On the other hand, if you enjoy terrible Latin you should check out some of the Terry Pratchett books which include such gems as: "Sodomy non sapiens" (Buggered if I know); "Fabricate Diem, PVNC" (Motto of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch); "Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum" (How to get someone's full attention); "mortis portalis tackulatum" (Dead as a doornob); "Nil mortifi, sine lucre" (No killing without payment) and the ultimate Australian University Motto: "Nullus Anxietas" (She'll be right).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 01, 2003
Healthy Living
From Theepan again! I really like the answer to question 3.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Do you have a body? Do you have any fat? If you have a body, and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... after all flour is a veggie!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)