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September 30, 2003
Beer Drinking
According to this story in Yahoo News, a judge has rejected a compo claim for a bloke who injured himself opening a bottle of beer (while trying to impress a chick). The tail end of the article contains this (spelling corrected) gem:
The Telegraph [Ed: a local daily paper] applauded the decision which comes rising claims of negligence and public liability by increasingly litigious Australians.
"How much tuition does an ordinary Australian need in how to open a bottle of beer?" the newspaper said.
Indeed.
Story spotted via AMCGLTD who also have another link to a vital research story .
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: TCP via Bongo?
Talk about geekiness (is that a word?), check out this class project to implement the lower levels of the OSI protocol on Bongo Drums (Link via Jim O'Halloran). There is a note about the whole thing being slow but what else would you expect from an OSI protocol. I seem to remember going to sleep many times over some OSI standard which was discussing what it meant when you said "discussing" and rabbiting on about the listener and the speaker and the meaning and the .....
Anyway, check out the bongo drums and keep it in might next time you feel like banking the desk with a ruler .... "No Dear, I was not trying to annoy you, I was communicating with the internet via TCP over Bongo packets...."
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
September 29, 2003
Useful Map Results
During a discussion about which on-line mapping service is better, one of the comments pointed to this site.
I like the comment at the bottom:
When using any walking directions or map, it is a good idea to stop at an inn or hostelry and inquire about news from abroad. Find out whether any wars are brewing, and if so, whether agents of the enemy are pursuing you. This is only an aid in planning. Your eventual route and mileage may vary.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 28, 2003
Drunk Confession
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, ". . . ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 27, 2003
New Diet Rules
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 26, 2003
What a tragedy...
The head of the UN (Kofi Anan) is visiting an American primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Secretary General if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Anan,"that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the Secretary General. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Anan searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If plane taking you and your advisors back to New York, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Anan, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."
[Adapted from this post over at SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 25, 2003
A Moral Question
I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. (Remember, I said this is imaginary.) Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.
Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below...
Which lens and shutter speed would you use?
[From The Patriette.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 24, 2003
Memorial Stone
A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $30,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the shiva, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
[Found over at SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 23, 2003
If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. New seats would require everyone to have the same size butt.
2. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas(tm).
3. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker.
4. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Protection Car Fault" warning light.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
6. You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car.
7. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought Car '95 or Car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
8. Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this as normal.
9. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
10. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely (actually ignoring) that they had been available in other brands for years.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
September 22, 2003
Software Engineering
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 21, 2003
Ten Pints
A Texan walks into a pub in Sydney (Australia) and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Aussies are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Aussie.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Aussie tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Australian the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Aussie replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 20, 2003
Anniversary Wishes
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra! ...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Men might be bastards, but Fairies are....................Female
[From CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 19, 2003
Cat Maintenance
How to give a cat a pill.....
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Fllick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available.
How to give a dog a pill....
1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor.
[From SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (6)
September 18, 2003
Users vs SysOp
[Ed: This is based on an old joke writen by Dean J. Tabor called "Machine Room Operations". Personally I like to think that Ozguru used the original joke to write this letter about some of the problem users at his former place of employment....]
Recently someone called me (on a weekend) from one of the "Enterprise Systems Management Support" an ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious beings called Users.
She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE FULL!"
I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Ms J [Ed: name abbreviated to protect the guilty], I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as I stopped her process, crushing any hopes she may have had of ever again seeing that document she had spent three hours slaving over.
"I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read it to you?"
"No point. Just press return."
"Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?"
"Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time:
a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.
a) Don't ever ask why.
b) Beyond your control.
c) No warnings are given.
d) The highlight of my day.
e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.
a) They slow down the computer.
b) They waste my time.
c) A general nuisance.
d) Worse than that, actually.
a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
d) Of course you did.
a) It can't be done (as far as you know).
b) I can't be bothered.
c) You're starting to annoy me.
a) Couldn't have been avoided.
b) Not my fault (as far as you know).
c) The result of annoying me.
Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling you.
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else.
Sincerely,
The System Manager
P.S. The new disk quota of 30 bytes per user became effective yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means you, J!).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 17, 2003
The Persistant Duck
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."
The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods."
This goes on for two weeks until the manager is sick of it so the next day....
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."
On the very next day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 16, 2003
The Big Fish...
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat, The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that b*st*rd!"
Priest: "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a b*st*rd!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big b*st*rd"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this b*st*rd!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this b*st*rd and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
Bishop: "Could you cook this b*st*rd for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a b*st*rd! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook the b*st*rd tonight."
Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the b*st*rd!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the b*st*rd!"
Mother Superior: "And I cooked the b*st*rd!"
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights a cigar, pours himself a large brandy and says......."You know what? You b*st*rds are alright."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
September 15, 2003
Shoot First and.....
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 14, 2003
Me First
A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas.
While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 13, 2003
First Things First
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 12, 2003
Alternate Job
[From Pete]
Come to think of it, this might be a better job than the one I have :-)
Pay sucks.
Health and Safety Regulations don't apply ...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
September 11, 2003
Kindergarten for men...
[Via email from Ben who got it from 'The Age' a newspaper in Melbourne]
Now this seems like a good idea...
Tuesday September 30, 2003A "kindergarten" for men has been established in Hamburg, Germany, to allow women to drop off their partners so they can shop in peace. Lunch and two beers are included in the fee at the adult play pen run by specially trained "nurses" Jenny and Bianca.
If you pay extra, can you have more beer?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 10, 2003
s!y+ peaj noh ue>
This is a story from Utterly Boring which links to a on-line translator!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 09, 2003
CIA Joke
[There was a bunch of unattributed jokes sent via email. Some of them appear on this site. You may want to check there for more of the same.]
The CIA has spent a fortune on training the perfect Russian spy. He is fluent Russian speaker and an expert on Russian society. On his first day undercover, he is confident that he can blend into the crowd so he stops at a corner stall to get a newspaper. The kid says (in Russian): "There you go Mr Yankee" as he hands the paper to him. Somewhat puzzled, he stops in the park and asks for directions. "Sure thing Mr American" says the office worker that he meets. Next he tries a policeman and asks for the time. "10:00 AM Imperialist Oppressor of the Working Class". Completely stunned he breaks down and asks the policeman why he is so sure that the spy is American. "That's easy" says the cop, "you're black!".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Wierd Solaris Bugs
Recently we patched everything. I mean really patched it. We ran those explorer dumps, analysed the systems within an inch of their lives and then patched them to kingdom come. It's not often you get a window big enough to do a full patch run and so if you get the chance, take it. There were a few problems with other groups who joined the gold-rush and updated their apps but that was cool and resolved. Everything settled down. I mean it was all over by this time last month. Everyone has moved onto more interesting projects.
User: Umm. Excuse me. What does "bad user" mean?
BOFH: Huh?
User: I keep getting this message in cron about being a "bad user".
BOFH: Truth in Advertising.
User: And my jobs don't work.
BOFH: (Remembering recent appraisals and discussions about being obstructionist.) Is this something new?
User: Oh no. It's been happening since August 4th.
BOFH: (Checks calendar, August 3rd was mega-patch day for the server concerned.) Why didn't you say anything earlier?
User: I figured you guys would fix it eventually.....
Ignoring the assumption of mental telepathy, I started to investigate the problem. User account exists - CHECK. User has home directory - CHECK. User is not in cron.deny - CHECK. User actually has cron jobs - CHECK. User is actually reporting correct error message - CHECK.
< userx 15131 c Tue Sep 9 17:04:00 2003
! bad user (userx) Tue Sep 9 17:04:00 2003
> userx 15131 c Tue Sep 9 17:04:00 2003 rc=1
OK. Lets bring out the big guns. Google for "cron" and "bad user" ignoring references to the real BOFH. Interesting, a number of hits on sunmanagers mailing lists. Check 'em out. Looks like the same diagnostics and a note about expired passwords. Hang on, does this account have an expired password? No, this account doesn't have a real password - it is a *LK* account - which can only be accessed by sudo.
Test this theory. Create a cronjob for /bin/true. Give user a password in NIS and make sure map is pushed out. Everything works. Now *LK* the account, push the NIS maps and try again. It fails.
WTF? Does this mean I have to add a password to all my *LK* accounts just so they can run cronjobs? There are more than 200 of these suckers .... AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
Oh well, at least it's not windblows :-) Then again, I could have fixed it with a reboot and a reinstall!
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (4)
September 08, 2003
Old Russian Joke
A man in Soviet Russia has been saving up for a car. Finally he has enough money so he heads down to the local Lada dealer to put down his deposit. The salesman advises him that he can pick up his car in 2005.
Man: "Wow, that's quick. Which month?"
Salesman: "April"
Man: "Ok, which day?"
Salesman: "25th".
Man: "Oh no. Morning or afternoon?"
Salesman: "What difference does it make?"
Man: "Well the plumber is coming in the morning."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
September 07, 2003
Microslosh Security
[Sent by Pete via email.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 06, 2003
The prayer of the overweight....
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 05, 2003
Kids Riddles
My three year old has asked me this riddle about 5000 times this week so I feel that I should inflict it on you:
Q: What did the bee say to the flower?
A: Hi, Honey!
I have been severly reprimanded for subtituting 'Hello' or 'Gday' instead of 'Hi' because she is firmly convinced that you have to get the punchline exactly right as opposed to her brother who takes the Granny Weatherwax approach. There is one book where Granny keeps trying to tell this story about one of those "we'll cook anything" joints where a guy walks in and orders an alligator sandwich and asks the cook to .... "do it in a hurry", "straight away", "as quickly as possible" and so on. Every time she misses the correct punchline ("and make it snappy").
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 04, 2003
Housekeeping for Men
Found a excellent guide to housekeeping for men via AMCGLTD. The article is entitled: "Dealing With Your Inner Slob: A Man's Guide to Household Chores" and it includes such gems as:
-- The Dirty Dishes Hell Scenario --
You want a glass of water. You manage to find the last clean cup in the house. As you go to the faucet, you can get the cup in there because the pile of dishes is too high. What do you do?
a. Why are you drinking water? Get a beer instead.
b. Try shifting the plates to another part of the sink or easier still, move the faucet right or left to find a gap. If you are fortunate enough to have one of those flexible water sprayers, use that!
Go read and enjoy (both sites).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 03, 2003
Application Form
Received via email:
Application To Date My Daughter
Name: Last:_________________First____________ M.I.:___ Age:_____
Address:___________________________ County:_____________________
Religion:_______________ # of attendances in the last year______
Parent:Father's Name__________#of marriages____# of affairs_____
Mother's Name__________#of marriages____# of affairs_____
Address:_________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
1. Do you own or drive a van? (If so, please discontinue
filling out form)______________________
2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!! means to you?______
____________________________________________________________
3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE means to you?_______
____________________________________________________________
4. Where would you least like to be shot?______________________
5. Which is the last bone you want broken?_____________________
6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?______________________
7. The place for a woman is____________________________________
8. What is my daughter's name__________________________________
9. Who besides God should you fear the most?___________________
10. Is there a history of insanity in your family?______________
11. Have you or any member of your family ever spent time in
jail?_______________________________________________________
12. Are your parents closer relatives to each other than first
cousins?____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Parent's Use Only
Appearance (Looks Like) Status
Mel Gibson___________ Accepted:____________
David Letterman___________ Pending:_____________
Pee Wee Herman____________ Rejected:____________
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 02, 2003
Quotable Quotes
[Thanks Pete]
Most of the traffic problems in [insert your city name here] are caused by out-of-towners trying to obey the posted speed limits.
[This one from a T-shirt at AUUG]
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
[From an old poster advertising an AI program at UNSW with a picture of Arnie as the Terminator]
Artificial Intelligence - good enough for Arnie, good enough for you!
[Another T-shirt]
Cognitive Science: We Program Minds
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 01, 2003
Moped vs Ferrari
[Ed: This joke was sent by John Milbourn.]
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is one of the most expensive cars in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man." Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster.
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that moped could pass his Ferrari, he givesit more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320
mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is STILL ALIVE!!!!!
He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers ....
"Unhook....my.....suspenders......from......your....side-view mirror."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM