G'day Mate (Mk III)

« November 2003 | Main | January 2004 »

December 31, 2003

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
"A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 30, 2003

Four Cats

Four men were bragging how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth was a public servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everybody agreed that T-Square was pretty smart.

The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of three each.

Everybody agreed that Spreadsheet was also pretty smart.

The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250ml glass from the cupboard and measured out 200mls without spilling a drop.

Everybody agreed that Measure was also pretty smart.

Then the three men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your cat do"?

The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, pissed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[Stolen from PD.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 29, 2003

Eccentric or Loony?

Paul Jané has a neat story about a British eccentric - or loony - you choose. It reminds me of one of those lovely little clippings from the newspaper that someone showed me once about a fellow who was pulled over in England by the police for some minor matter (maybe a breath test). The police asked him to get out of the car and he was wearing a pair of wellingtons full of baked beans. They naturally asked why. The response? "Makes a change from custard."

Guess you can't argue with that one.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

December 28, 2003

24 Aussie Commandments

I got a lovely email over Christmas about the '24 Aussie Commandments'. I drafted an article to post in the new year (with comments on the commandments) and then discovered that one of my blog friends had also published it. So I waited for the thunder to die down before presenting my version:

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
I gotta get a bigger hat then 'cause I haven't got a farm. This ranks up there as the Aussie equivalent to the nose vs feet joke in Roxanne.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Unless of course you start with a short name, then it gets longer. See Joe becomes Joey, Steve becomes Stevo. Ultimately you want a handle that has nothing to do with you because then you have a conversation starter - "so why do they call you bluey?". Reminds of the fellow who's mates called him 'Donkey'. They were are a bar and eventually the bar tender said to him: 'so why does your friend call you donkey?'. The bloke replies: 'I dunno but he all.. he all... he all... he always calls be that' (say it out loud).

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
Why does this need a comment. At least it is better than the 60s and 70s when all Australian events where improved by the addition of a prawn cocktail (can anyone else remember how to make these?) instead. In case you were wondering, it would probably be advertised as a sausage sizzle but actually be a full on barbie (BBQ).

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
In either case he will have strong opinions about (a) politics, (b) media ownership rules, (c) media bastards. Both the billionaire and the wharfie will agree on (a) and (c) but have divergent opinions when it comes to (b).

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
I think this is less true than the other rules however one of the 'arts' of manhood that requires initiation in young boys is being able to stand at a bar with a pie and sauce in one hand and a beer in the other. You have to finish both without (a) putting either item down and (b) spilling the sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
Really security conscious aussies will then hide their shoes under their towel or ask the missus to keep an eye on them.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
Surely this is a worldwide phenomenon?

8. All our best heroes are losers.
What like Gallipoli, Ned Kelly, .... Hmmm. You may be onto something here. What is important is not that they lost but how they strived.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
Note that the metrosexuals do not qualify here, they are in the kitchen sorting out the salads with the girls. The real men are outside, beer in one hand, discussing the cricket (it is summer, right!) and how to burn the meat, the chicks are doing the salads. Normally the host holds the tongs and there will be a hierarchy in the standing order, circled around the BBQ.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
That's what steering wheel covers are for and also explains why beach parking bays are always facing east (into the rising sun) to ensure that having burned your skin at the beach, you can now burn your palms on the wheel (probably the only part that hasn't already got red skin from the sun).

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
Actually I hadn't learned the other meaning for a long time and when young I remember being accosted by a drunk chick who was leering about 'wanna see my thong?'. I quickly replied that I had a pair at home which gave rise to the strangest looks I have ever seen.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
More normally your mate is an 'old bastard' (regardless of age) as in: 'G'day ya old bastard'. What matters here is the tone on which the word bastard is said - jocular (with a grin) or stern (with a spit). Who said Australian was an atonal version of English?

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
Probably the latter. I mean what-his-name and you-know-who were talking about this the other day and Bluey (you-know-bluey) and Red reckoned that's why we have nicknames. Whaddya reckon mate?

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
I did that (not intentionally). I never get bitten any more when I am out with the missus. The best time of day in summer when I was a kid was AFBM*. You could sit outside in the cool and enjoy the scenery.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
Don't forget the chewing gum. My father had a mate who used to keep sticks of gum in the glovebox and on a long trip would pass it around at the start 'just in case' he needed the gum to patch a hole.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
At least in summer ....

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
Of course. And that would be the difference between the two blokes in number 4.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
It also means you are as poor as church mice. It is used in the context of "Well I don't earn much but we've got a great lifestyle". Cannot be used by anyone who owns a unit (or better) in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney (or the Northern Beaches for that matter).

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
The host will take that wine to the next party he goes to. What goes around, comes around. Some bottles of red have been travelling between parties for decades.

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
That is 'mug' as in 'silly bastard'. The key word here is 'free' as in 'free beer'. Mind you Australians are known for travelling long distances - normally by car (domestic airfares are expensive).

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
There is the eskie (see below), the rug (or two), the folding chairs, the tables, the salads (which didn't fit in the eskie), the meat (which didn't fit in the eskie), the beer (some of which didn't fit in the eskie), the bags of ice (for the extra beer), the washtub (for the ice and the extra beer), the kids bikes, the book for the missus to read, the sun umbrella, the aeroguard, mosquito coils, the BBQ (may already be provided at the park but bring your own anyway), a football, a cricket set, sunhats, more sunhats, suncream, after-sun-cream, etc ....

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back- yards are for.
If you do sit in the front yard, you don't drink beer. That is only done in the back yard.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
Where it ends the road will have been blocked off to make a cul-de-sac to increase the value of the houses at this point. There will be a big 'No Through Road' sign at the previous intersection and some kind of "traffic control" devices (e.g. speed hump, enormous flowerpots, dodgem barriers) to prevent the hoons from yahoo-ing in this part of the street.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.
See above, the food can be carried - just not in the eskie.

* AFBM - After Flies Before Mosquitoes - i.e. dusk. The mossies get active after the sun sets but the flies pack it in a bit earlier.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (7)

December 27, 2003

The Way It Was

The old Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes... No debt... Plenty buffalo... Plenty beaver... Women did all the work... Medicine man free... Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 26, 2003

The Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 25, 2003

Jesus vs Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole ...

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...

JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...

JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...

JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your

heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little

boy (or girl,) what's your name?" ...

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our

name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and

future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...

JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken

homes and builds mansions.

Santa is a "jolly old elf"

JESUS is the King of Kings

Santa may make you chuckle but ...

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...

JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)

December 24, 2003

Christmas Nightmare

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

Posted by Peskie at 11:30 PM | Comments (1)

Rudolf the Weatherman

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Posted by Peskie at 11:00 PM

Too much

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

.....

If you have logged onto this blog every hour to check the jokes then you haven't had enough Christmas yet....

Posted by Peskie at 10:30 PM

Three Wise (Fire)Men

In a small Southern (Texan) town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Posted by Peskie at 10:00 PM | Comments (1)

Christmas Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.�

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Posted by Peskie at 09:30 PM

Parent's Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

Posted by Peskie at 09:00 PM

Traditions

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.  Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood. 

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?� Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Posted by Peskie at 08:30 PM

Top 10

If you don't like your gift, here are the top 10 things to say:

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Posted by Peskie at 08:00 PM

Christmas Symbols

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"

Posted by Peskie at 07:30 PM

Santa's Flight Exam

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Posted by Peskie at 07:00 PM

Christmas Letters

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily.

Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 28

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 29

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Dec 30

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily.

Edward, Dec 31

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily.

Look here, Edward, Jan 2

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily.

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily.

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5

Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law.

Posted by Peskie at 06:30 PM

Legal Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Posted by Peskie at 06:00 PM

Union Clause

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated . . . Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Posted by Peskie at 05:30 PM | Comments (1)

Post Party Apology

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am� forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......

Posted by Peskie at 05:00 PM | Comments (1)

Immaculate Conception

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Posted by Peskie at 04:30 PM

Academic Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

Posted by Peskie at 04:00 PM

Office Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Posted by Peskie at 03:30 PM

Week Before Christmas

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

Posted by Peskie at 03:00 PM

Santa is not a Woman

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year.� The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.

And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:

"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."

If Santa was female, that line would have read:
"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinitely..."

Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner).

Posted by Peskie at 02:30 PM | Comments (1)

Is Santa a Woman?

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it...

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only lingerie suitable for street walkers, cheap perfume, or any sharp object made by Ronco which slices or dices, left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a PlayStation under the tree, still in the bag. And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't wrap presents
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)
- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up babes.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Posted by Peskie at 02:00 PM | Comments (1)

Dinner Riddles

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

Posted by Peskie at 01:30 PM

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

Posted by Peskie at 01:00 PM

Reindeer Facts

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Posted by Peskie at 12:30 PM | Comments (1)

PC Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)

Beery Christmas

If it gets any hotter, maybe we could do this on our Christmas tree:

Posted by Peskie at 11:30 AM

University Santa

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.

5. Santa travels a lot.

Yep, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Posted by Peskie at 11:00 AM | Comments (1)

12 Days (90's style)

1: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Finding a Christmas tree. ****

2 (Husband):
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

3 (Inebriated man):
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

4 (Frustrated man):
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

5: The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Five months of bills,
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

6 (Frustrated wife):
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

7 (Angry Man):
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
The Salvation Army,
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

8 (Loud Kid):
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS,
All the charities,
What do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills,
Oh, making out these cards,
Edith, get me a beer, huh?
What? We have no extension cords?!?
and finding a Christmas tree.

9 (Another frustrated man):
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
No parking spaces,
DADDY, I WANT CANDY,
All the donations,
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Oh, writing Christmas cards,
Bad hangovers,
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
and finding a Christmas tree.

10 (Toy commercial voiceover):
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
"Batteries no included",
No parking spaces,
DADDY, I WANT IT NOW,
Get a job, ya bum!!!
(sobbing) Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
Oh, Jeez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
and finding a Christmas tree.

11 (TV announcer):
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Stale TV specials,
"Batteries no included",
No parking spaces,
I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!,
Bl**dy begging b*ms,
(sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
Five months of bills,
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
and finding a Christmas tree.

12 (TV announcer):
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Singing Christmas Carols,
Stale TV specials,
"Batteries no included",
No parking spaces,
WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!,
Bl**dy begging b*ms,
(sobbing) Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills,
I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
and finding a Christmas tree.

Posted by Peskie at 10:30 AM | Comments (1)

Christmas Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses during the college bowl system.

Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

Posted by Peskie at 10:00 AM

Psych Christmas

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town
. . . or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Posted by Peskie at 09:30 AM

Gifts For Men

[This joke was spotted over at Tiger's blog. Please drop by and pay him a visit - the main page is here.]

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these RULES and you should have no problem:

#1. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

#2. If you cannot afford the above, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay, by the way are you through with my 3/8 socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

#3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

#4. Do not buy men socks. DO NOT BUY MEN TIES. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.

#5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have WORN out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!

#6. Do not buy a man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I' m told they do not stink - they are earthy.

#7. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups, saucers, door, locks, sink" You get the idea. No one knows why.

#8. Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says, "some assembly required," because it will ruin his Special Day. He will always have parts left over.

#9. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will bar-b-que. Get him a monster bar-b-que with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!" The challenge! Who wants a hamburger.

#10. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7(remember what happens when he gets maker.)

#11. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

#12. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says, "I love you," like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Posted by Peskie at 09:00 AM | Comments (1)

Optimist vs Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, one Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Posted by Peskie at 08:30 AM

Microslosh Announcement

Urgent Microslosh Announcement: Apparently Christmas will be delayed this year due to quality control problems...

[Joke via Email]

Microsoft buys Christmas
NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2004, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Supreme Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows Longhorn"
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2005. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2005] as early as November first."
Christmas 2004 is scheduled for release in December of 2004, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2006. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

Posted by Peskie at 08:00 AM

Santa Riddles

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Posted by Peskie at 07:30 AM

Seasonal Greetings (from your lawyer)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.....and a financially successful,personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calender year 2004, but with due respect for the calenders of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:
*This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
*This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
*This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
*This greeting may not be enforcable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
*This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting whichever comes first.
*The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
*Any reference in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or ficticious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referred third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Posted by Peskie at 07:00 AM

Scientific Santa

Note:� I have no idea where this joke came from.� As far as I can tell the facts are fairly accurate but I personally don't stand behind any of them.

Is There a Santa Clause?

1. No known species of reindeer that can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Posted by Peskie at 06:30 AM

Santa Meets Plane

Image from: G'day Cobbers.

Posted by Peskie at 06:00 AM | Comments (2)

How to Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.�

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Posted by Peskie at 05:30 AM

PC Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op
Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.

We'd welcomed the winter that day after school
By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,

A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet
Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,

Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it
And deck it all out like a seasonal strumpet.

My spouse and I, having turned down the heat,
Slipped under the covers for some well-deserved sleep,

When from out on the lawn there came such a roar
I slipped from my futon and rolled to the floor.

I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch,
And muttered, "Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?"

I saw there below through the murk of the night
A sleigh and eight reindeer, challenged of height.

At the reins of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave
Who treated each deer like some personal slave.

I'd seen him before in some ads for car loans,
Plus fast food, soft drinks and cellular car phones.

He must have cashed in from these mercantile chores,
Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores.

He called each by name, as if 'twere his right
To treat them like chattel enhancing his might:

"Now Donner, now Blitzen," and other such aliases,
Showing his true Euro-centrical biases.

With a snap of his fingers away they all flew,
Like Democrats served up brie or tofu.

Up to the rooftop they carried the sleigh
(The damage to my shingles is there to this day).

Out bounded the man, who went straight to the flue.
I knew in an instant just what I should do.

After donning my slippers, downstairs did I dash
To see this trespasser emerge from the ash.

His clothes were all covered with soot, well of course,
From our wood-fueled alternative energy source.

Through the grime I distinguished the make of his duds--
He was trimmed all in fur, fairly dripping with blood!

"We're a cruelty-free house!" I proclaimed with such heat
He was startled and tripped on the logs at his feet.

He stood back up dazed, but with mirth in his eyes.
It was then that I noticed his unhealthy size.

He was almost as wide as when standing erect,
A lover of fatty fried foods, I suspect.

But that wasn't all to make sane persons choke:
In his teeth sat a pipe that was belching out smoke!

I could scarcely believe what had invaded our house--
This carcinogenic and overweight louse

Was so red in the face from his energy spent,
I expected a coronary right there and then.

Behind him he toted a red velvet bag
Full to exploding with sinister swag.

He asked, "Where is your tree?" with a face somewhat long.
I said, "Out in the yard, which is where it belongs."

"But where will I put all the presents I've brought?"
I looked at him squarely and said, "Take the whole lot

To some frivolous people who think that they need
To succumb to the sickness of commerce and greed,

Whose only joy comes from the act of consuming,
Thus sending the value of retail stocks booming."

He blinked and said, "Ho, ho, ho! But you're kidding."
I gave him a stare that was stern and forbidding.

"Surely children need something with which to have fun?
Or it's like childhood's over before it's begun."

He looked in my eyes for some sign of assent,
But I strengthened my will and refused to relent.

"They have plenty of fun," I cut to the gist,
"And your mindless distractions have never been missed.

They take CPR so that they can save lives,
And they go door-to-door on used clothing drives.

They recycle, renew, reuse and reveal
For saving the planet's a laudable zeal.

When they padlock themselves to a fence to protest
Against nuclear power, we think they're the best."

He said, "But they're children--lo, when do they play?"
I countered, "Is that why you've come in your sleigh,

"To bring joy to the hearts of each child and tot?
All right, open your bag; let's see what you've got."

He sheepishly did as I'd asked and behold!
A Malibu Barbie in a skirt of gold.

"You think that my girls will like playing with this,
An icon of sexist, consumerist kitsch?

With its unnat'ral figure and airheaded grin,
This trollop makes every girl yearn to be thin,

And take up fad diets, bingeing and purging
Instead of respecting her own body's urging

To welcome the shape that her body has found
And rejoice to be lanky, short, skinny or round."

Deep from his satchel he produced up a toy,
Saying, "This is a hit with most every boy."

And what did he put in my trembling hand
But a gun from the BrainBlaster Power Command!

"It's a 'hit,' to be sure," I sneered in his face,
"And a plague and a pox on the whole human race!

How 'bout grenades or some working bazookas
To turn all of our kids into half-wit palookas?"

I seized on his bag just to see for myself
The filth being spread by this odious elf.

An Easy-Bake Oven--ah, goddess, what perfidy!
To hoodwink young girls into household captivity!

Plus an archer play set with shafts that fly out,
The very thing to put a child's eye out.

And toy metal tractors, steam shovels and cranes
For destroying woodlands and scarring the plains,

Plus "games" like Monop'ly, Pay Day, Tycoon,
As if lessons in greed can't start up too soon.

And even more weapons from BrainBlasters Co.,
Like cannons and nun-chucks and ray guns that glow.

That's all I could find in his red velvet sack--
Perverseness and mayhem to set us all back.

"We need none of this," I announced in a huff,
"No 'business-as-usual' holiday stuff.

"We sow in our offspring more virtue than this.
Your goods are things that they'll never miss."

The big man's expression was a trifle bereaved
As he shouldered his pack and got ready to leave.

"I pity the kids who grow up around here,
Who're never permitted to be of good cheer,

Who aren't allowed leisure for leisure's own sake,
But must fret every minute--it makes my heart ache!"

"Enough histrionics! Don't pity our kids
If they don't do as Macys or Toys 'R' Us bids.

They live by their principles first and foremost
And know what's important," to him I did boast.

"Pray, could I meet them?" "Oh no, they're not here.
By now, they're on the roof, liberating your deer!"

At that Santa sputtered and pointed his finger
But, mad as he was, he had no time to linger.

He flew up the chimney like smoke from a fire,
And up on the roof I heard voices get higher.

I ran outside the co-op to see him react
To my children's responsible, kindhearted act.

He chased them away, and disheartened, dismayed,
He rehitched his reindeer (who'd docilely stayed).

I watched with delight as he scooted off then;
He'd be too embarrassed to come back again.

But with parting disdain, do you know what he said,
This overweight huckster when he took off in his sled?

This reindeer enslaver, this exploiter of elves?
"Happy Christmas to all, but get over yourselves!!"

Posted by Peskie at 05:00 AM

Party Riddles

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !

What party game did Jekyll like best ?
Hyde and Seek !

Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ?
A dog ate him in the hall !

What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party !

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Chick to chick !

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ?
It was a scream !

Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang !

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite ?

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !

Posted by Peskie at 04:30 AM

Christmas Email

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Posted by Peskie at 04:00 AM

Do Threats Work?

I mean if you are on the naughty list already, why not try it?

Posted by Peskie at 03:30 AM

The Christmas Trolls

NORTH POLE RESOLVES LAWSUIT

Counsel for the North Pole Foundation announced the out of court settlement of a civil suit filed by a group called the Christmas Trolls. Proceedings began in January 1986 when the previously unknown troll alliance claimed discriminatory labor practices. NPF agreed to an undisclosed sum and admitted no wrongdoing. The organization’s longtime CEO Mr. Santa Claus did not attend today’s press conference, citing pre-holiday duties.

Three unemployed trolls from Barrow, Alaska had answered a classified ad. "If you're magical, small, and can build toys there's a job for you at the Workshop" the copy had read. The trolls rented sled dogs and made the trek across thin ice. Fifteen elves applied the same day and were all hired. The trolls were turned away.

60 Minutes ran a segment about their plight. A spokesman for Mr. Claus's organization asserted that the trolls had failed the basic skill test. He showed the camera two of the three toys constructed by the trolls: a jack-in-the-box that contained a lifelike tarantula and a hobby warthog. The trolls countered that their third toy had been a teddy bear. "With fangs!" responded the spokesman. Letters to the program overwhelmingly favored Father Christmas. Wrote one viewer, "Trolls are disgusting."

The controversy continued in the supernatural creatures' trade press, only once again making broader headlines. "It's an outrage!" a reporter overheard Mr. Claus exclaim on encountering picketing trolls outside a Juneau restaurant. "You should crawl back under a bridge and eat billy goats!" Reports of the incident swept across Alaska, becoming an international scandal when six of the troll protesters proved to be Canadian citizens. "Yes, I like trolls in principle," Mr. Claus said in a notorious impromptu interview, "as long as they know their place. Have you ever smelled one of them?"

The Christmas Trolls then formed an unlikely alliance with the Anti-Defamation League of B'nai B'rith. UPI editors mistook the press release for a prank, but the charges were serious. They asserted not only that Santa was personally prejudiced against trolls but that he had been a Nazi sympathizer. Mr. Claus had delivered gifts to Hitler Youth, rewarded French and Dutch collaborators, and charted an aerial course directly over the Warsaw Ghetto while noting the missed opportunity to provide food drops. "Bad or good my a**," scrawled one troll on a fax cover sheet to the New York Times. This comment may have been responsible for the paper's decision not to run the story.

Despite continuing media blunders the Christmas Trolls were winning in court. Subsequent filings included documentation that 97.2 percent of the NPF employees were elves and that Santa claimed ethnic affiliation as a "right jolly old elf." A disgruntled gnome who once worked in the kitchen came forward to testify. "They'll hire you if you ain't an elf, but you better be cute and you sure ain't gettin' into the union. Dishwasher, janitor, maybe a filing clerk. That's it."

Attorneys for NPF supplied evidence that 30,000 human helpers were hired as independent contractors to represent Mr. Claus each December. "Elves constitute less than 10 percent of the actual work force." Two other gnomes and a leprechaun, all current employees, testified that NPF was an exemplary employer. After a preliminary ruling favored the trolls, NPF's law firm of Grinch, Humbug, and Scrooge won dismissal on the grounds that the North Pole is international territory. The trolls had filed under Alaskan law.

The World Court refused to hear the case, stating that neither side represented a sovereign government. From 1995 to 1997 the case was dead. The trolls of Barrow, Alaska had exhausted their savings. One even took a job with a carnival side show. While on tour she met a Fairbanks attorney who revived the issue as a slander lawsuit.

Although the North Pole Foundation avoided further public scandal, rumors spread and institutional contributions dwindled. Negotiations for corporate sponsorship also ended abruptly. Said a public relations representative from NPF, "We really didn't think a Mattel Christmas sleigh was appropriate anyway."

Leaks from both sides tell that the legal impasse was broken when all three of the original trolls decided they no longer had any desire to work at the North Pole. NPF signed a pledge that future troll applicants would be considered fairly.

In response to a Wall Street Journal reporter's question about waning American corporate donations, the NPF representative answered, "This had nothing to do with our decision to settle the case. Over half the toys we deliver come from Taiwan and Japan."

At that moment a stray microphone picked up one attorney's cellular phone. "That d***ed Ford Foundation. It's a troll front," growled the distinct voice of Mr. Claus.

"Remember your grandmother," his lawyer Mr. Grinch hissed. "She was a troll too." The words echoed from the auditorium speakers.

A long silence filled the hall. "This'll be one for the spin doctors," somebody mumbled.

The visibly shaken elf spokesman then attempted to reassure the press that children around the world would not bear the cost of the settlement. A lone troll at the back of the room interrupted to throw switches and coal, hollering, "'Fess up. Only the really good tykes get goodies this year!"

Authorities booked the heckler for disorderly conduct. Activists called the arrest a fresh outrage and vowed to reveal the ugly truth about Santa's Workshop. "We're gonna troll that ancient yuletide carol, capisce?"

Posted by Peskie at 03:00 AM

Christmas Riddles

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Posted by Peskie at 02:30 AM

Downsizing Christmas

TO: Public Release
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will
not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Posted by Peskie at 02:00 AM

Unix Admins / Santa

There are some very strange similarities between the UNIX administrators where I work and Santa. Maybe that is what Santa does the rest of the time and would certainly explain why it is so hard to find an UNIX admin when you need one - they were actually attending meetings at the North Pole.

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

And of course (being a UNIX admin) I have to point out that: "Underneath, Santa is a really cool dude who cares about people" :-)

Posted by Peskie at 01:30 AM | Comments (1)

Christmas Grinch

Test to see if you are a Grinch:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Posted by Peskie at 01:00 AM

The Fight Before Christmas

'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house
the tension was rising 'tween in-laws and spouse.

Expecting the onslaught, she'd shopped, wrapped, and baked,
Mom verged on exhaustion, her back cramped and ached.
"This year will be perfect!" determined she vowed
Then she lined up her brood, and she ordered aloud,

"Now, listen up, kids! Clean your ears, so you'll hear it!
You'll stop all your whining and get into the spirit!"

Their kinfolk were traveling from locales afar,
to watch little Jen as she held up the Star,
Jeremiah as drummer, and Jimmy as goat,
and the rest of the rugrats playing Heavenly Host.
The pastor who cast them, though 'twas said he was braver
didn't trust Baby Paul to portray the sweet Savior.

Now the eve of the holiday pageant had come.
The mock angels fluttered, the wee drummer drummed,
and drummed and he drummed until Mom thought she'd throttle
that dear little drummer or go drown in a bottle.

Their haloes cocksure, they were ready to go.
Aunt Tessie glanced out, "Oooo, it's starting to snow!"
So back to the closet for twenty-two boots,
while Gramps sneaked to the sideboard for a couple of snoots.

Dad paced with impatience, beating tracks on the floor.
Julie rushed from the house, clipped one wing in the door.
Momma, on round-up, was prodding the herd.
Julie wailed with dismay, "I WILL LOOK LIKE A NERD!"

Loading four vans full, they skidded to church,
side-swiping two carolers, came to rest with a lurch,
and disgorged the uncles, the cousins and aunties,
the angels and livestock, three Wisemen, and Granny.

When all were assembled they commanded three pews.
Freckled shepherds processed and proclaimed the Good News.
Momma leaned on Dad's shoulder, her stamina tested;
on the other, the video camera was rested.
Training its lens on his offspring with pride,
disgruntled he found there was no tape inside.

He cursed much too loud for his present location.
His pious Aunt Phoebe prayed for his salvation.
Granny sighed disappointment, "Tsk, tsk, what a shame."
Momma glared at her husband, volleyed bullets of blame.

Dad was soundly upbraided by a clan 'twas adjacent
Poor pastor feared rightly that brouha' was nascent.
The man behind bellowed, "Sit down in the front."
Dad howled, "Go to blazes, you overgrown punk."

How the threats escalated, I haven't a hunch.
And no one remembers who threw the first punch.
But the fray that ensued was a Mother of All
right up to the altar, 'round the heavenly stall.

Fur and feathers were flying, taunts rang through the air.
There was gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair.
The peace of nativity wrenched by the roar,
the manger upsot, dolly rolled 'cross the floor.
The choir tried vainly to scream out the lines,
of the old-fashioned favorite, 'The Tie That Binds.'

Soon the kids took their cue from their fathers and mothers,
And the air became littered with the straw and the fodder.
Young oxen were kicking, little donkeys were braying,
the shepherds' rods snapped and poor pastor was praying.

Once innocent angels from heaven were falling,
and even wee Drummer was biting and brawling.
The candlesticks tottered, the altar was battered,
the tree lying prone, pastor's vestments were tattered.

Then sweet, one-winged Julie, fearing huge conflagration,
was sparked by the blaze of Divine inspiration.
She gathered up all of the cherubs, I'm told,
and began tearing one wing from each little shoulder.

When the dust finally settled, only one light remained,
A lone Christmas candle whose heavenly flame
bathed the children in gold, with arms 'round each other,
turning angels with black eyes to sisters and brothers.
Their timorous voices sang out, 'Silent Night,'
overpowering the fracas and ending the fight.

So this story of angels with singleton wings,
who like the blest infant, humbled powerful kings,
taught a lesson of love to the grown-ups that night:
Only Bearing Each Other Up, Can We Take Flight.

And the pastor blessed all, waved them home with relief,
"Merry Christmas. Go Home. And May God Grant You Peace!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:30 AM

Brooklyn Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect,
"Merry Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 AM

December 23, 2003

Christmas Blogging

Hey it's (almost) Christmas Eve and I have to work (half day). I just want to get into the Christmas mood with as little effort as possible. Given the heat that probably means lying on the floor near the air cooler with an esky of cold beer. As for going into the computer room heat to post blog articles - you've got to be kidding. So here's the deal. I will post a joke every half hour today (from now) and then you probably won't hear from me again until I get back to work on the 29th. I figure 50 jokes today ought to make up for a quiet four days. Why am I doing this? I want to prove to myself that I am not:

Totally Addicted to My Blog
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Totally addicted to my Blog!

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Totally addicted to my Blog!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm totally addicted to my Blog!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to my Bllllogggg!!! (Yeah)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (7)

December 22, 2003

Ouch!

Chris and Paul were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Chris of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

December 21, 2003

Fortune of the Day

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 20, 2003

What a Memory

An old guy confined to a nursing home was walking down the hallway when he noticed Mrs. Barnstone sitting on a chair in the lounge.

He walked up to her and asked her if she could guess how old he was.

She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."

Then after looking at him, she said, "Why you're 88 years old!"

"Why yes I am," the old man said, "how did you know?"

"Well you told me this morning at breakfast."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 19, 2003

Stolen Car

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the

'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Found at Cynical Cyn.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

December 18, 2003

Golf Fanatic

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"

"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.

"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.

"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

December 17, 2003

Blind Shopping

This blind guy walked into a David Jones (upmarket retail outlet) with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop, pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir... may I help you with anything?"

"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 16, 2003

Roll Your Own

[Via email ....]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 15, 2003

Audi Quattro

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Italian border checkpoint.

Mario the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Mario "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Mario, "Luigi is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 14, 2003

The Pain....

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 13, 2003

Talking Clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear - shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you ******, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 12, 2003

Job Description (Mum)

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

[Found at Silver Blue.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

December 11, 2003

Ancestral Lines

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 10, 2003

Murphy's Discovery

Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble!

For Australia, substitute "politician" :-)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 09, 2003

Future Daughter-in-law

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.

Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 08, 2003

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And they lived happily ever after... Isn't that a sweet story?

[Found over at CynicalCyn.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

December 07, 2003

Lousy Guidance ...

A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink.

The shrink says, "When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 06, 2003

Bill Gates Calls the Belgian Police

[Ed: This refers to a fairly famous incident where Billy the Gate coped a pie in the face.... I know this is one of Ozg's favourite stories....]

In a world with justice, the following might have actually happened:

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"William Gates III"

"Country?"

"The USA"

"Native language?"

"English"

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes"

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No"

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes"

"Any pies then?"

"No"

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute..."

"Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not"

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

December 05, 2003

Fortune of the Day

Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

That reminds me of the old question about what happens when you play country music backwards? We all know about playing rock-n-roll backwards to hear the voice of Satan :-P but what about country music?

Your get your dog, your wife and your job back (in that order) and you lose your mother-in-law :-)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 04, 2003

No Speak English?

There was a Serbian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store... so what did she do?

What are you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

December 03, 2003

Infinite Legs

Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):

Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)

December 02, 2003

If only men would listen...

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "COW!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen...

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)

December 01, 2003

Because I'm a Man

I found this lovely post over at Cynical Cyn (which is still really hard to read due to some CSS problem). There are only two problems - (1) Cynical Cyn is not male and (2) she thought this was humorous as opposed to serious. All you guys had better head over there and enlighten her.....

If this weren't so close to the truth, it would be a lot funnier!!
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If it has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. (Though one time I was able to survive, by holding a calculator.)

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

I think Cynical Cyn missed "mow the lawn" in the list of activities.....

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)