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March 31, 2004
Three Blond Cops
A Policeman was drilling 3 blonds, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blond a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blond answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"
The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blond and asked him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blond giggles, flips his hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blond and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer"
The blond looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM ........... the suspect is wearing contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that"
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy" the blond replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 30, 2004
Bra Religion?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
[Stolen from SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 29, 2004
Translating Lawyers
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 28, 2004
The Company Car
Here are just a few of the amazing advantages that stem from borrowing the company car:
- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 27, 2004
Heaven or Hell
This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon entering heaven, met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final--no changing your mind."
So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.
Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with "HELL." Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing around eating, drinking, dancing--in general having a great time. The marketing fellow thought that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told him that he had chosen hell.
Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up and asked if there was some problem. "Yes," the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What happened?"
"Well," the devil replied, "that was a demo!!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 26, 2004
The Conductor
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.
Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution.
At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret --
"What is it with the bananas?"
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
March 25, 2004
Only One Wish
A man walks along a California beach and was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
[Stolen from PD.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 24, 2004
Postal Workers
There was this fellow who worked for Canada Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at Canada Post."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 23, 2004
Husband Sale
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - "These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day."
[Stolen from The Happy Carpenter.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
March 22, 2004
Kids Names
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.... "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
[Stolen from Da Goddess.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 21, 2004
Two Parrots
A woman went to her priest with a problem.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 20, 2004
Rabbits
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 19, 2004
Legal Responses
Supposedly things people have said in court
- What is your date of birth?
- July fifteenth.
- What year?
- Every year.
- What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
- Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
- This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
- Yes.
- And in what ways does it affect your memory?
- I forget.
- You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
- All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
- Oral.
- How old is your son - the one living with you?
- Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
- How long has he lived with you?
- Forty-five years.
- What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
- He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
- And why did that upset you?
- My name is Susan.
- And where was the location of the accident?
- Approximately milepost 499.
- And where is milepost 499?
- Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
- Sir, what is your IQ?
- Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
- Did you blow your horn or anything?
- After the accident?
- Before the accident.
- Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
- Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
- We both do.
- Voodoo?
- We do.
- You do?
- Yes, voodoo.
- Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
- Yes.
- Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
- Yes, sir.
- What did she say?
- What disco am I at?
- Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
- The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
- Were you present when your picture was taken?
- Were you alone or by yourself?
- Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
- Did he kill you?
- How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
- You were there until the time you left, is that true?
- How many times have you committed suicide?
- So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8th?
- Yes.
- And what were you doing at that time?
- She had three children, right?
- Yes.
- How many were boys?
- None.
- Were there any girls?
- You say the stairs went down to the basement?
- Yes.
- And these stairs, did they go up also?
- Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
- I went to Europe, sir.
- And you took your new wife?
- How was your first marriage terminated?
- By death.
- And by whose death was it terminated?
- Can you describe the individual?
- He was about medium height and had a beard.
- Was this a male, or a female?
- Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
- No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
- All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
- Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
- The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
- And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
- No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
- You were not shot in the fracas?
- No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
- Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
- I have been since early childhood.
- Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
- No.
- Did you check for blood pressure?
- No.
- Did you check for breathing?
- No.
- So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
- No.
- How can you be so sure, Doctor?
- Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
- But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
- It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 18, 2004
Private Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 17, 2004
Test Results
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab technician says to him......I'm sorry, sir but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news!"
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well....one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test."
"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
[Stolen from Indigo's Insights.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 16, 2004
Outsourcing Strikes Home
CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper
GROSSE POINTE, MI-As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, industry sources revealed Monday.
"It was time for a change," said Reinhardt's wife Melanie, who has been married to the CEO for 17 years and has conducted her sexual business almost exclusively with him since 1984. "While I was generally satisfied with the level of servicing that I received under Howard, it was my feeling that a younger, more aggressive hand on the tiller might bring some new ideas into play. No matter how mutually satisfying the old deal was, its time had passed."
Although specific terms of the arrangement have not been made public, Melanie allowed that she has been "very pleased" by the new supplier-Jorge Escobedo, a 26-year-old gardener from Sierra Mojada who has been working in the U.S. since February.
"The switchover was seamless, considering how rapidly the deal was closed," said Melanie, who initiated the informal arrangement with Escobedo on Nov. 20, while he was cleaning the equipment shed. "Well, in truth, I was considering a move in this direction for some time, and looking into possibilities. Then Jorge offered me a very attractive package, and I decided it was in my interest to act. I've been very pleased with his initial performance."
Melanie said Escobedo beats her former provider in availability, reliability, and turnaround. He also requires minimal emotional investment from Melanie, who is the sole receiver of the goods under the new arrangement. Melanie offered few details on the ins-and-outs of the deal, but she did report that the outsourcing is limited to Reinhardt's marital duties. All previous supply arrangements with Reinhardt, including those pertaining to housing and finance, are still very much in effect.
"This isn't some sort of challenge to the American workforce as a whole," Melanie said. "I'm just sending the jobs where they're going to be done most efficiently. The acquisition of houses, automobiles, and clothing will all still be in Howard's wheelhouse, but groundskeeping and plowing are now to be managed by Jorge. It just makes sense."
Melanie said the outsourcing is a direct response to the expansion of Reinhardt's duties at United Carborundum.
"Howard is simply too busy to personally keep track of every detail of the marital union," Melanie said. "As long as he's available when he's needed-major Reinhardt-family gatherings and the United Carborundum holiday ball-I'm happy to have someone else's input day-to-day."
The Reinhardt household has been moving toward a more modular operation for years now. Laundry duties are handled by a small Chinese concern; child-rearing and education are performed by a live-in salaried Irish employee; and a loosely organized, rotating consortium of Italians, Japanese, and Greeks handles food service. The sexual-services agreement, however, marks the Reinhardts' first use of highly skilled foreign manpower.
The news of the outsourcing was met with little surprise in the greater Detroit area, where community members are used to seeing hard-won jobs go to foreign labor, and are aware of cooling relations in the Reinhardt household.
"This proposal might not be the win-win situation that Melanie is projecting," said Philip Johannsen, business writer for the Detroit Free Press. "But it's going to be tough for Howard to say he didn't see it coming. When it came time to find a groundskeeper, he delegated the crucial domestic-hiring decision to his wife. He knows she's a very proactive person, so it shouldn't surprise him that she took the initiative to shore up areas of the household where she saw standards slipping."
"If American executives are not willing to shoulder the increased personal investment of time and energy required to keep the jobs in-house, globalization is just something they're going to have to accept," Johannsen added
Howard Reinhardt was unavailable for comment, as he was scouting locations in Oaxaca for a boron-nitride factory.
[Thanks Jivha.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 15, 2004
Womens' Points
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies; Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is your guide to the points system:
SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:
1. You make the bed.....+1
2. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....-1
3. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-3
4.You leave the toilet seat up..... -5
5. You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
6. When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
7. When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
8. You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
9. In the snow .....+8
10. But return with beer.....-5
11. And no liners.....-25
12. You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
13. You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
14. You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
15. You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
16. It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY:
1. You stay by her side the entire party.....0
2. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.....-2
3. Named Tiffany.....-4
4. Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
5. With breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY:
1. You remember her birthday.....0.
2. You buy a card and flowers.....0
3. You take her out to dinner.....0
4. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
5. Okay, it is a sports bar .....-2
6. And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
7. It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
1. Go with a pal.....0
2. The pal is happily married.....+1
3. The pal is single.....-7
4. He drives a Ferrari.....-10
5. With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
1. You take her to a movie.....+2
2. You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
3. You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
4. You take her to a movie you like.....-2
5. It's called Death Cop III.....-3
6. Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
7. You lied and told her it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
1.You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
2.You develop a noticeable pot belly then exercise to get rid of it....+10
3.You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
4.You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION: ("Does this dress make me look fat?")
1. You hesitate in responding.....-10
2. You reply, "Where?".....-35
3. You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
4. Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION: (When she wants to talk about a problem)
1. You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
2. You listen for over 30 minutes.....+5
3. You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
4. You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
5. You have fallen asleep.....-200
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:
1. You talk.....-100
2. You don't talk.....-150
3. You spend time with her......-200
4. You don't spend time with her.....-500
5. You seem to be enjoying yourself...-1000
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
[Stolen from The Happy Carpenter.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 14, 2004
English?
Things that make English hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a strange language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its oxymorons, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or strapful gown? Or maybe met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who WOULD actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down. In which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible. However, when the lights are out (or you're unconscious), they are invisible. Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 13, 2004
The Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
* * * * * * * * * *
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
39) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00
[Stolen from SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 12, 2004
Navy Quotes
Britain declared war on Japan soon after the US. The Royal Navy signalled all ship's and shore stations with the news. One group receiving the signal was a small group of escorts struggling to herd a convoy of reluctant merchantmen across the Atlantic. The Flotilla leader decoded the signal and relayed it to all the other escorts by lamp and flag hoist. The signal read:
"Commence hostilities with Japan."
One of the escorts immediately flashed a reply:
"Request permission to finish breakfast first."
Another equally facetious response to a signal arose during the 1949 Yangtse crisis, when two Frigates were despatched up the river to retrieve foreign nationals. The first frigate negotiated a tricky bend in the river and slowed to await its consort. After an interval the consort failed to appear, so the signal was made:
"Where are you?"
Reply:
"Regret have become semi-permanent feature of the Chinese landscape."
Or the WW2 destroyer returning from an Atlantic convoy up the Mersey, having survived a really bad weather crossing, but having lost her top masts and suffered other damage to her upperworks. Signal from a ship leaving for escort duty:
"How come?"
Reply
"Scraping under low cloud."
And another of Churchill's famous put downs -
Lady Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison!"Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
[Stolen from The Gray Monk.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 11, 2004
I Quit!
Dear Arsehole Boss,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harrassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however, I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Root
[Stolen from SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 10, 2004
A Matter of Perspective
An old Jew is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"
Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."
Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"
Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 09, 2004
Shed Some Light On This
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 08, 2004
Smoke Grass Or Eat It
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking care of all of us."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 07, 2004
The Right Equipment
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book, she replies. (Thinking, "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading," she says.
"Yes, but you have all the right equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
The woman pauses, then says, "If you do that, I'll have you charged with sexual assault."
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden, incredulous.
"That's true," says the woman, "but you have all the right equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
The game warden looks at the woman. "Good day, Ma'am," he says and leaves.
[Stolen from Interested Participant who got it from Cop Talk.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 06, 2004
Is Windows A Virus?
NO!
Windows is not a virus!
Here is what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
1. Viruses are well supported by their authors,
2. are running on most systems,
3. their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
4. they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus. It's a BUG!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 05, 2004
Exceptions...
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
-- Miller
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 04, 2004
Tech Support Diary
A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell
Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9DARRK1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift."
Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2004
Mathematics?
Romance Arithmetic
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping Arithmetic
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
General Equations and Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Discussions
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Marriage
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 02, 2004
Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his local senator and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the senator and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
March 01, 2004
Intelligence
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you." He put his hand against the tree and told the ditch digger: "Hit my hand as hard as you can!" The ditch digger, with an evil smirk on his face, took an almighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger looked around but all he could see were the soft sides of the ditch. Thinking quickly, he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)