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March 15, 2004

Womens' Points

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies; Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is your guide to the points system:

SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:
1. You make the bed.....+1
2. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....-1
3. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-3
4.You leave the toilet seat up..... -5
5. You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
6. When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
7. When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
8. You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
9. In the snow .....+8
10. But return with beer.....-5
11. And no liners.....-25
12. You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
13. You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
14. You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
15. You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
16. It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY:
1. You stay by her side the entire party.....0
2. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.....-2
3. Named Tiffany.....-4
4. Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
5. With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY:
1. You remember her birthday.....0.
2. You buy a card and flowers.....0
3. You take her out to dinner.....0
4. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
5. Okay, it is a sports bar .....-2
6. And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
7. It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
1. Go with a pal.....0
2. The pal is happily married.....+1
3. The pal is single.....-7
4. He drives a Ferrari.....-10
5. With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
1. You take her to a movie.....+2
2. You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
3. You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
4. You take her to a movie you like.....-2
5. It's called Death Cop III.....-3
6. Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
7. You lied and told her it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:
1.You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
2.You develop a noticeable pot belly then exercise to get rid of it....+10
3.You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
4.You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION: ("Does this dress make me look fat?")
1. You hesitate in responding.....-10
2. You reply, "Where?".....-35
3. You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
4. Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION: (When she wants to talk about a problem)
1. You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
2. You listen for over 30 minutes.....+5
3. You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
4. You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
5. You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:
1. You talk.....-100
2. You don't talk.....-150
3. You spend time with her......-200
4. You don't spend time with her.....-500
5. You seem to be enjoying yourself...-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

[Stolen from The Happy Carpenter.]

Posted by Peskie at March 15, 2004 12:00 PM