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September 30, 2004
Foot in Mouth Disease
A young man was graduating from high school and he had to give a speech.
He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life. She is a shining example of parenthood and I love her more than words could ever do her justice."
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. Looking up and with a sly grin he said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 29, 2004
Payback
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 28, 2004
Bad Brakes
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 27, 2004
Franklins
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Franklins when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first guy says, "Never mind; let's just look for yours."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 26, 2004
Thought for the Day
Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 25, 2004
Grandpa Morris
A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explains that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh, Morris," says grandma, "you've been going to that park for 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma so that the policeman can't hear, Morris whispers, "I wasn't lost; I was just too tired to walk home."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 24, 2004
Thought for the day
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 23, 2004
In Training...
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 21, 2004
Hotel Rooms
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 20, 2004
Thought for the Day
I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
September 19, 2004
Globalisation
Question: Which event most clearly shows the extent of Globalisation?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: Why?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,(check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Australian,
using Bill Gates' American technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalisation.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 18, 2004
Crazy
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.
"Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 17, 2004
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Children's answers... "What Exactly Is Marriage?"
'Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents'
..... Eric, six years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
'You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.'
..... Kelly, nine years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
'They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.'
..... Lottie, nine years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
'On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.'
..... Martin, ten years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
'You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own DVD, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.'
..... Allan, ten years old
'Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.'
..... Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
'It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them'
..... Anita, nine years old
'It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.'
..... Will, seven years old
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 16, 2004
Phrasing it right
Sam and Morris are walking to services and Sam asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Sam sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissable for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question.Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: Google Labs Aptitude Test (GLAT)
Ever since I posted this article about the Google Labs Aptitude Test puzzle (wwwdot - google = dotcom), I have been getting a trickle of emails that are either along the lines of "I solved it" or "I need a hint". Most of those who solved it were somewhat bemused about my comments about the two different ways to solve it - basically they chose to bat for one method or the other as being the most "obvious" way of getting an answer.
Well here is a hint about how to tackle it logically (which took me longer than the programmatic solution). Imagine a similar puzzle that looks like:
ABC -DEF =
GHI
This consists of three sub equations of which the most complex is the middle one (with B, E and H in it). There are four possible permutations for this single entry. The first and most obvious is simply that B-E=H. The second happens if C<F which would mean that C had to 'borrow' and there is a carry attached to E which gives us: B-(E+1)=H. The third possibility happens if B<E in which case we need to include a 'borrow' and the equation becomes: (B+10)-E=H. Finally we could have the second and third equations both happening at the same time: (B+10)-(E+1)=H. Note that the end equations (C,F,I and A,D,G) are simpler because there are less possibilities to consider.
In the Google question, the most interesting pair of equations involve W,O,T and W,O,O. A quick think about this makes it clear that there are some constraints about borrows because the two get different results. Also note the O,L,O triple which sort of suggests that L could be zero. If you only care about finding an answer (i.e. any answer), you could start by making L=0 and trying to solve from that point.
Interestingly, ignoring the actual values in the equation, this could be expressed in terms of a tree of possible solutions where the first fork has a choice of 2 and the next four have 4 choices and the last has two again (from the permutations above). That means exploring a tree with 2 x 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 x 2 nodes (2^10 = 1024 possible combinations). Some of the branches can be eliminated quickly, others take more effort.
Next time I will describe one way to tackle the problem using brute force and a computer.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
September 15, 2004
Dont be cheap
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a great tip."
The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row and the man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill.
The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers . . . "The butler did it."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 14, 2004
Lawyers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: AIX - the writing is on the wall....
Over at The Register there is an interesting story about Linux vs AIX:
IBM continues to refine its Linux server strategy, announcing today a new set of kit that runs the open source OS only on its Power5 processor.The first system in this new line will be the OpenPower 720, which arrives later this month. The four-processor box will run on either 1.5GHz or 1.65GHz Power5 chips and support up to 64GB of memory. IBM will offer both Red Hat and SuSE's enterprise Linux operating systems on the new box.
This is an interesting announcement and it is going to annoy the heck out of SCO. To understand why requires some history lesson but suffice it to say that currently IBM has to pay SCO royalties for AIX licenses. It does not have to pay anyone royalties for Linux licenses. If you were IBM which would you be pushing?
The downside is that AIX still has tools and admin features that have not yet made it into Linux. If the SCO debacle can be resolved in IBM's favour then we could see some of those benefits appearing in general Unix. Bring on SMIT for Linux...
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
September 13, 2004
The Three Bears
Found over at SilverBlue....
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For goodnesss sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first.
It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Momma Bear who made the coffee.
It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Momma Bear who set the damn table.
It was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BL**DY PORRIDGE YET!!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 12, 2004
Human Nature
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?'
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 11, 2004
Emergency Services
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 10, 2004
Too True
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 09, 2004
American vs English
The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
September 08, 2004
Ways To Annoy People
Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Make beeping noises when you back up.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
Sing along at the opera.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 07, 2004
Groaner II
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutang was reading two books ...the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
TechTip: Google Labs Aptitude Test (GLAT)
A friend sent me an interesting puzzle. The gist of it is an equation: WWWDOT-GOOGLE=DOTCOM. The only other information was that there were no leading zeros. I sort of assumed that meant that each letter stands for a single digit (no repeats) between 0 and 9. Fooling around with some logic, I derived two solutions but I wondered how many more there could be.
Later I realised that there were only 9 letters (not 10) so maybe the numbers should have been 1..9 instead of 0..9.
I decided instead of attacking the problem logically to attack it programatically instead. It turns out that there are no solutions in the 1..9 space (assuming no two numbers are the same) and there are exactly two solutions in the 0..9 space (again with no two numbers the same).
If any one cares, I can post the code (or the working) but why not try solving it for yourselves?
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (6)
September 06, 2004
Groaner
Tina, the Hollywood agent, was so upset by her inability to find work for a singer that she began to sob for her in her presence. Her client tried to console her.
"Don't cry for me Agent Tina."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 05, 2004
Dancing
The State Department escort was giving the newly arrived Asian diplomat a thorough tour of Washington nightlife.
After watching a group of young couples in a discotheque, the escort said, "I don't imagine you've ever seen anything quite like this in your country. Do you know what they're doing?"
"Yes, but why are they standing up?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 04, 2004
Thought for the Day
I'll bet cops get really annoyed when they get stuck in traffic behind someguy who's driving way too slow because there's a cop behind him.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
September 03, 2004
Sacrifice
A bishop of a small town is dying. He sends for the local Plumber and the lawyer to sit by him, during his last few hours.
The whole town is shocked, none more than the two. For the Bishop was always their loudest and most vehement critic.
But the holy man has called, and so they heed. Sitting by him, helping him, in these last few moments of his life.
The bishop begins to wheeze, and is coughing. Here it comes, finally. Death. But just before he goes under, the plumber blurts out the question that's on his and the lawyer's mind. "Father, why us, when there are so many people in the town who are more pious than us"
The bishop, amidst coughs, replies "Jesus gave up his life between two thieves. I wish to do the same." And dies.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 02, 2004
Disease
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It's impossible to detect and there is no known cure.
Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
September 01, 2004
Election Day
I couldn't find the lyrics to this Slim Dusty song on-line so I figured that I had better listen to it several times and have a crack at it. After all the subject is pretty topical and the promises are no less ambiguous than the ones made by some of the candidates in this election :-)
Election Day - Slim Dusty
Well, there's big mobs of rough stuff
and slinging of bull-dust,
As it draws close to election day, mate.
Oh their all really trying
and most of 'ems lying
To get us to vote for them, 'ay mate.
They're gonna halt this inflation
and fix up our nation
if they only did half what they say mate.
We would all be in clover,
the whole country over.
They're real full of promises, 'ay mate.
Oh remember in drought
when the big frogs came out,
air-conditioned the whole blasted way mate.
As we battled in grief
and awaited relief
'til the whole of out mob perished, 'ay mate.
Well they did raise the pension
but Lord when you mention
the price rise in food every day mate
I dunno how they're living
This land should be giving
Our old folk a better deal, 'ay mate
Those spruikers are tireless
that you hear on the wireless
with big mobs of nothing to say mate
But we'll vote for some smartie
that's leading some party
and hope that he does something, 'ay mate.
Well, there's big mobs of rough stuff ...
Now if I were in power,
I'd shorten the hours
And double our whole blasted pay mate.
With a free beer ration
and a flaming good bashing
To the blighters who grizzled then, 'ay mate.
Well, there's big mobs of rough stuff ...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM