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May 31, 2003

Woman vs Man #4

Why women live longer than men (from Theepan):

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 30, 2003

God Created...

Over at Utterly Boring there is a joke about God creating Oregon. When I first heard this joke, it was from a Kiwi and the story line was pretty much the same (go and read it before I spoil it for you) except for New Zealand where the joke has Oregon. The other change was the punchline which becomes ...

... God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I gave them for neighbours."

[Note for the geographically challenged: the neighbours would be Australia because nobody else is within spitting distance of New Zealand :-)]

[Note for the humour impaired: Yes, I am Australian. Yes I know it is a joke against Australians.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

May 29, 2003

Kids History

Email special (from Theepan). My favourite is the classification of Karl Marx:

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humour is in the misspelling.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  
• Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  
• The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  
• In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw Java.
  
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
  
• Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  
• Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  
• It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
  
• Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  
• The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  
• Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  
• Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  
• Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.This ruined Booth's career.
  
• Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  
• The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
  

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 28, 2003

Wee Drink

The SMH now has a section for "silly stories" (most of them fall into the urban legend category). This particular item is about a maid tampering with the drinking water. The instant I saw the headline I was recalling the Terry Pratchett comments on how the wealthy labelled their drinks Nig, Yeksihw, Nobruob so that the servents wouldn't know what was in them. He pointed out in a footnote to a footnote that in fact this didn't stop the employees from topping up the Yeksihw with Enirue.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 27, 2003

Woman vs Man #3

Why women live longer than men (from Theepan):

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 26, 2003

Political Football

Thanks Pete for this entry:

Football Rules from Various Political Structures
SOCIALIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes half your points and redistributes them to the opposing team.
COMMUNIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your points and gives you back what the Central Bureau of Points designates as appropriate (according to your needs).
FASCIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your points and sells them back to you.
NAZI FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your points and shoots your team.
BUREAUCRATIC FOOTBALL: After you score, a tax of 80% will be imposed on the points. 10% of your points will be given to the scoring disadvantaged, 10% of the points will be given to the opposing team as an incentive "not to score," while 60% of the points will be used by the state for administration.
CAPITALIST FOOTBALL: The Super Bowl -- Winner Take All

Of course if I was being really cynical I would change the COMMUNIST entry to read something like: After you score, the state takes away all your points and gives most of them to the children of the elite members of the part and then gives you back what the Central Bureau of Points designates as appropriate.

We could also add some:
AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL: Each player would be deemed to owe the government a certain number of points (indexed by inflation) to be repaid along with their annual tax bill provided they score over a certain number of points in the year. Also there would be a 10% surcharge for Medicare, a 10% surcharge for East Timor, a 10% development fund surcharge (to further develop the game), a 10% surcharge for the munitions used in Iraq (we have to refund the cost of these to the Americans as a reward for helping), a 25% surcharge for the federal politicians retirement fund, a 15% surcharge for the state politians retirement fund and a 30% "income" tax. All percentages to be applied against the total points scored, any deficit to be carried forward.
ENGLISH FOOTBALL: No plan to win any points so allocation of points irrelevant.
FRENCH FOOTBALL: If they score, ten points will automatically be deducted for being arrogant and unsufferable. If the other side scores, ten points will automatically be deducted for being arrogant and losing.

Any more suggestions?

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)

May 25, 2003

Flat Tyre

I'm sure this is an urban legend (or it ought to be) but given that Theepan sent it, I have to post it :-)

Last semester, there were four students, good friends, taking Object Oriented Programming.
They did very well on all their lab exercises, lab exams, assignments, and HD projects. Each student thought they'd get an HD. These four friends were so confident with the Multiple Choice Exam approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time.
However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their Multiple Choice exam!
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their lecturer AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, and that they couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!
The lecturer thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the lecturer had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (the exam was being marked out of 30) and told them to begin. The first question was worth one mark:

1. This question refers to method "swap", which is part of class "SelSort" (see attachments). The missing code from "swap" is:
(a) temp = x[j]; x[j] = x[i]; x[j] = temp;
(b) temp = x[j]; x[i] = x[j]; x[j] = temp;
(c) temp = x[i]; x[i] = x[j]; x[j] = temp;
(d) temp = x[i]; x[j] = x[i]; x[j] = temp;
(e) temp = x[i]; x[j] = x[i]; x[i] = temp;

Each quickly answered the first question, with the correct answer, "c". "Cool" they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 29 marks): Which tyre?
(a) front left
(b) front right
(c) rear left
(d) rear right
(e) none of the above

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 24, 2003

Are you a liberal?

[Ed: Originally posted on Slumbering Pierrot, Thu Jun 26]

As a blog friend stated recently, the answer depends on the definition. That's useful but not helpful and I doubt that a dictionary definition is going to help because of the lack of context. In fact the lack of context suggests that different people might have different ideas about what the word means. In fact, the term probably has specific meaning to different people (for an Australian, the question is similar to asking an American if they are 'republican').

Because I am biased (I have been to America), I thought it would be more useful to interview a local and get his opinion in a completely meaningless survey:

Introducing: Charlie from the Outback (of Australia). A translator has been used for those of you who find it hard to read strine [Australian].

Me: Hello Charlie.
Charlie: Gdaymate, owaryagoing orright? [Hello]
Me: How are you?
Charlie: Carncomplain, nawon lissens. [Fine thank you]
Me: Are you a liberal?
Charlie: (Shocked) Nah mate, national orl the way, mate. Karnt stan the bastards. [I support the National Party]
Me: Have you seen my aeroplane?
Charlie: Nah mate, sgorn for a smokko [???]

Explanation: In Australia there is the labor party (union based, only-just left of center, workers), the liberal party (employer based, only-just right of center, economics) and the national party (farmer based, center, agriculture). There are other specialist parties for rednecks (One Nation, Shooters), socialists (democrats, communists) and environmentalists (greens) but the big three hold the power with an alliance between the liberals and nationals currently governing Australia.

Basically the question is one that does not "translate" across cultural boundaries. I think (guessing wildly) that an American would link the concept of "liberal" with someone who has a relaxed attitude to things. Conceptually it is hard to imagine a right-wing conservative party as being relaxed and so the term does not translate. The closest thing here might be the former democrats (who are more relaxed than most parties) or possibly the marijuana party (who never seem to get organised enough to get elected). Personally I would rather call myself flexible than liberal. I am aware that there are people out there who do not share my point of view and I am prepared to allow them to continue to do so. That does not mean that I accept their view as being correct or even valid but it does mean that I have no objection to them holding that view as long as they return the favour .

OK. Let's cut to the chase. What do I really believe (or vote - remember that voting is compulsary in Australia)? I am a WASC (White Anglo Saxon Catholic) married to an "ethnic" (horrible word) migrant. My policy is normally to vote against the incumbent on the theory that politicians are like babies nappies. If you leave them for too long, they end up full of sh*t.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 23, 2003

Triple Filter

[Thanks, once again to Theepan - I think he needs a blog of his own for all these jokes, what do you think?]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge and truth in the highest esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Just a moment," Socrates replied." Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a small test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend,it would be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually, I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not."
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though because there's one filter left: The filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, probably not."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a brilliant philosopher and was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was banging his wife.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

May 22, 2003

Asset Audit

[Ed: Originally posted on Slumbering Pierrot, Thu Jun 26]

Boss: Hey Mike, come in here.
Mike: Yes boss.
Boss: Mike this is Stan from Audit. He's checking asset numbers and can't find some stuff.
Stan: Yeah. Looking for .... (checks clipboard) .... two boxes of pencils.
Mike: Dunno, didya look in the stationary cupboard?
Stan: Yeah.
Boss: Maybe they've been used.
Stan: That would put you over the company average for pencil consumption. Have to take it out of your budget.
Boss: OK. What else.
Stan: Ummmm .... one PC-XT with full height floppy and green screen. Book value $12,452.
Mike: You're kidding. That machine was bought back in the 80s and is now a boat anchor.
Stan: Destroying company property is an offence!
Mike: Actually it is propping open the computer room door because the air-con doesn't work.
Boss: Don't we write stuff like that off.
Stan: You might be right, maybe they forgot to depreciate it. I'll get onto that.
Boss: Anything else.
Stan: Nope. Everythings fine .... (starts to leave)
Mike: (To Boss) Phew. That went well.
Stan: (Turning around) Just one other thing, either of you know where the aeroplane went?
Mike: Huh? Like a model or something?
Stan: No the real thing. 747. Bigger than a football field. Uses a runway and thousands of litres of fuel. We seem to have lost it somewhere.
Boss: Not around here. Where would we keep it.
Stan: Oh well, just a thought. (leaves room)

(Dramatic pause)

Mike: I told you they'd notice it eventually.
Boss: Yeah but it took them nine months and the cheques have cleared already.
Mike: Nice of that fellow to add a bonus for prompt delivery.
Boss: What was his name again?
Mike: Mr Ben Handle or was it Mr Ben Chopper, some sort of kitchen implement.
Boss: I remember, Mr Ben Ladle.

(Seriously, how could anyone lose an aeroplane?)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 21, 2003

Woman vs Man #2

Why women live longer than men (from Theepan):

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 20, 2003

British Sport

Another email from Ben (I think he was off sick and very bored) ...

Well the British do have to be world champions at something....

The Age, Monday June 23, 2003

The British have retained the World Toe-Wrestling title in the annual championship held in a Staffordshire pub. About 100 entrants took part in the event, in which opponents attempt to force down each other's feet in a best- of-three "toe-down".

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 19, 2003

Books for Sysadmins 3/3

Final in the series of books for Real Sysadmins (as before, clicking the image will take you offsite!)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 18, 2003

Books for Sysadmins 2/3

Second in the series of books for Real Sysadmins (as before, clicking the image will take you offsite!)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 17, 2003

Books for Sysadmins 1/3

Found this book at The Register as an adlink and I couldn't resist grabbing the image. To be fair to "The Register", clicking on this ad will take you to the same site as the original image did (like a free ad in exchange for getting to show you this image).

If only someone would really write this book:

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 16, 2003

Woman vs Man #1

Why women live longer than men (from Theepan):

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 15, 2003

More Dog Latin

While trying to confirm the correct spelling for the Latin abbreviation RIP, I found this article from the BBC. It includes the announcement from Lord Chief Justice Woolf who claimed that removing Latin from the legal environment was "pro bono publico".

Other gems include a comment about "En Loco Parentis" (me father's a train driver) and someone else who pointed out "Any attempt to get rid of status quo is fine by me". Someone else mixing Latin with French commented: "Even though this move might seem a bit avant garde, most people weren't au fait with legal Latin anyway. It's typical of the laissez faire attitude which is so de rigeur. Oh well, c'est la vie." and finally there was a limerick (without translation):

A nervous young lawyer named Rex,

Was sadly deficient in sex.

When arraigned for exposure,

He said with composure:

"De minimis non curat lex."

Any Latin scholars care to provide a clean translation of that last line?

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 14, 2003

English as She are Spoke

[Ed: The uncorrected title read "English as She is Spoke". Thanks MommaBear for noticing it...]

I often see things circulating the net with examples of bad English usage from round the world. While funny, they can be explained by considering that English is not the first language of the people concerned. Our attempts to convert English into their languages are probably just as funny. However, the attached items of strange English are examples found in London. In many cases, the author of the sign or note was trying to use the correct phrase but it just didn't work. This was from Patrick in England:

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON DOOR - BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

May 13, 2003

As I Mature ...

From Theepan (of course):

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *ssholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have big attributes or a lot of cash.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 12, 2003

Vet's Bill

From Theepan (you too can have your name here, send me a joke or a link and I am happy to give you the credit for passing it on or for being the author):

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's $150.00

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 11, 2003

AU vs NZ

If this isn't an urban legend, it ought to be. Robert (thanks) sent me an email with this story (reputed to be from an 'Personal Problems' advice column in a local magazine). It explains just how some Australians feel about Kiwis (makes up for the anti-Australian Kiwi joke I published the other day) ...

Dear Dorothy,
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Redfern [Ed: inner city area, infamous for aboriginal slums] and one of my sisters, who lives in Canberra, is married to a Kiwi.
My father and mother have recently been arrested growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Kings Cross.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Long Bay Jail, Sydney, for the rape and murder of a teenage girl in 1994, the other is currently being held in the Parramatta remand centre on charges of incest with three of his children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Kiwi?

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 10, 2003

Qantas Faults

Another (enjoyable) urban legend (from Robert).

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read & then respond to in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so that pilot on plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crew & engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints & responses with:
P = the problem logged by the pilot
S = the solution & action taken by the engineers

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident (touch wood)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet/minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly straight & be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

May 09, 2003

Hiring Cannibals

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)

May 08, 2003

Having Babies

The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd babies.

Clothing
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 07, 2003

Dumb Students?

A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.

Teacher: What are you doing?

Student: Getting the answers to the test.

The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping the coin.

Teacher: Now what are you doing?

Student: I'm checking the answers.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 06, 2003

Repairman

Email story from Ben:

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bulldog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

May 05, 2003

A Wabbit

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

"Why, yes," replied the lady.

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

[Ed: And a 'Wok' is something you 'thwow at a wabbit'.]

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

May 04, 2003

Learning Languages

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

Says the mother mouse to her baby: "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

May 03, 2003

Finance Terms

CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA = Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET = A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET = An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING = The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO = The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER = What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR = My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST = Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT = When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER = A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION = What happens the day after I buy stocks.
CASH FLOW = The movement my money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR = Last year's investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT= an archaic word, no longer in use.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 02, 2003

Heavenly Cat

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven [Ed: I assume that cats normally go to hell], where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

May 01, 2003

One track minds

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)