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February 28, 2004
Top 10 Signs
Top Ten Signs ... That You Might Be A Sysadmin
10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea that it is referring to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 27, 2004
Blonde Revenge
One day a blonde was sitting next to a lawyer. The layer said,"You wanna play a fun game?" The blonde did not reply. The lawyer said, "If I don't know an answer I will give you five bucks and visa- versa." The blonde ignored the lawyer.
Then, he said, "Fine,if I don't know I will give you one hundred dollars and you only have to give me five." The blonde interested replied,"ok".
The lawyer asked how far the moon was away from the sun and the blonde simply opened her purse and gave him a $5 bill. Then the blonde asked "what goes up a hill with three legs and down with four?" The lawyer searched and searched on his lap top but could not find the answer so he gave the blonde a $100 bill.
Feeling very good about herself, the blonde turned her back to the lawyer signifying the game was over.
The curious lawyer asked, "what goes up a hill with three legs and come down with four?" The blonde again takes a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 26, 2004
Blonde Accident
A blonde woman was driving down the highway when her car broke down. She pulled to the side of the road, got out and opened the trunk of her car. Two men dressed in trench coats got out of her trunk. They faced the oncoming traffic and proceeded to bare their nude bodies to the other drivers.
A cop drives up and asks the blonde, "What the hell is going on here?"
She tells him, "Well officer, my car broke down."
He says, "Miss, I can see that, but why are these two men exposing themselves to the oncoming
traffic?"
She says, "I didn't want to cause an accident, so I'm using my emergency flashers!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
February 25, 2004
Can I See the Manager?
This tall, beautiful woman coyly asks to see the manager of a bar.
The bartender is interested in this woman and decides to handle the matter himself. He says, "What can I do for you?" She walks closer, which lets him more excited. "No, I don't think you can help me," she purrs, "I really have to talk to the manager."
By this time she's leaned onto the bar, thus showing some of her cleavage. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but the manager isn't available right now, but I'll be happy to help you any way I can."
So she gets a bit closer to him and starts rubbing her hands through his hair and across his lips.
The bartender is very turned on now and says breathlessly, "So what is it that I can do for you?"
She gets even closer and allows the bartender to suck slowly on her fingers. Then she says, "Can you tell your manager there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 24, 2004
Ultimate Present
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 23, 2004
Anniversary
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15 ?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have got out today."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
February 22, 2004
Folk Sayings
1) My first wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I used to work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why is the room spinning-medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
23) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
24) Procrastinate Now
25) Rehab Is for Quitters
26) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
27) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries with That?
28) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
29) Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names
30) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
31) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
32) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
33) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
34) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music
35) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
36) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
37) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
38) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
39) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
40) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
41) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
42) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
43) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
44) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
45) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 21, 2004
Florida Vacation
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs they found it difficult co-ordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realising his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow checked her email, expecting to find messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
[If they do have computers in hell, I know what OS they will be running......]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
February 20, 2004
Philosophy 101
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 19, 2004
Fix The Outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.
Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 18, 2004
Spaghetti and Meatballs
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 17, 2004
Pray For Help
During heavy flooding caused by La Nina, a priest refused to obey evacuation orders and decided to stay back in town.
As the flood waters rose higher, he climbed to the roof of his house and started praying to God for help. After an hour of devout praying, a boat came by. The priest refused the boat crew's help. "God will come to my assistance," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.
After another hour praying, a canoe came by. The priest refused the owner's help. "God will rescue me," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.
After yet another hour of prayer, a helicopter flew by. Yet again, the priest refused help. "God will help me", he said. And again, he remained on the roof of his house.
Despite continuous praying, the flood waters rose and the priest eventually drowned in the raging water.
In heaven, he met God and asked Him, "Why didn't you help me? I called for help and you didn't answer my prayers!"
"Didn't the help arrive? I sent a canoe, a boat, AND a chopper to your rescue!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 16, 2004
Stress is Good!
How To Stay Stressed
Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following provides you with a few reasons why.
STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES.
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH.
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a "hit" anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE.
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT.
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES.
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALISE ALL CRITICISM.
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE.
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...
...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
February 15, 2004
The Final Exam
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 14, 2004
Hell is Unfair
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as his lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and my lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 13, 2004
Windy Day
Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10"& 90 lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.
When she asked her manager what she should do, he replied: "You have a warm down jacket don't you? Well put rocks in all the pockets!"
Then a minister, who was standing nearby, suggested she say a little prayer to ask the Lord to lessen the wind.
The park clown then suggested she could kill two birds with one stone by saying the prayer she said each night. He said, "you know, the one that goes: 'Now I weigh me down to sweep.'"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 12, 2004
Osama in Paradise
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.
He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.
As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
February 11, 2004
Impress a Woman
Fellows, how can you impress a woman?
- Wine her,
- Dine her,
- Call her,
- Hug her,
- Support her,
- Hold her,
- Surprise her,
- Compliment her,
- Smile at her,
- Listen to her,
- Laugh with her,
- Cry with her,
- Romance her,
- Encourage her,
- Believe in her,
- Pray with her,
- Pray for her,
- Cuddle with her,
- Shop with her,
- Give her jewelry,
- Buy her flowers,
- Hold her hand,
- Write love letters to her,
- Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
Actually, you need to do all of the above and never, ever miss one of them.
Ladies, you have it much easier. How do you impress a man?
- Show up naked,
- Bring food beer,
- Don't block the TV.
You might even get away with one out of three :-)
[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 10, 2004
Doggy Duty
A nursery school teacher was taking a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant .
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 09, 2004
Barbie vs Ken
The Romance is Over
CNN: After 43 years of togetherness, Barbie and Ken have split up. The couple's "business manager," Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, said that Barbie and Ken "feel it's time to spend some quality time -- apart." "Like other celebrity couples, their Hollywood romance has come to an end," said Arons, who quickly added that the duo "will remain friends."
Barbie -- the most popular fashion doll in the world, according to toy maker Mattel -- met Ken on the set of a TV commercial in 1961, and they have been inseparable ever since. The separation may be partially due to Ken's reluctance to getting married. Another possible factor is Barbie's career. The doll who was "born" Barbie Millicent Roberts in 1959 has been everything from a rock star to military medic, and she's currently marketed in more than 150 countries.
Personally I think Ken is coming out of the closet.
[Stolen from Dusting My Brain.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 08, 2004
Why be a Lawyer?
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 07, 2004
Three Wise Women
There is a bit of a rant over at The Gray Monk about some total dill in the Anglican synod who wants to change the "three wise men" into "three possibly not very wise persons". Daft. Absolutely and completely daft. A few snags short of a barbie (aussie slang for BBQ not a blond haired doll with really long legs).
Here is the deal. We don't know how many of them rocked up. Seriously. Go check your bible. It says that wise men came from afar (or "a fire" if you remember your Christmas jokes). The only mention of three comes from the three gifts:
Caspar: "Hey, whatcha gunna take Melchior?"
Melchior: "I figured some myrrh would be a bit prophetic."
Balthasar: "Well I'm gunna take some frankincense."
Caspar: "Maybe a gift voucher for Amazon?"
Melchior/Balthasar: "Get real. They won't have an internet connection for 2000 years."
Caspar: "How about some gold?"
Melchior: "That fits, we could even make a song out of it."
Fred (arriving late): "Sorry boys, got held up in the camel traffic. Whadda we gunna take?"
Balthasar: "Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh."
Fred: "All the good ones are taken. I'll go halves with Caspar OK?"
There may well have been more than three or there may have been two (the words used are plural so there must have been at least two). So if you want to quibble then get stuck into the numbering not the sex of the wise men.
Why ignore the sex? Well the one thing we do know for certain is that the wise persons were 100% certainly not female. How come?
If the wise men had been women then:
- they would have asked for directions
- arrived on time
- helped to deliver the baby
- cleaned the stable
- brought more practical gifts
- made a casserole
As they left, they would have said to each other:
- "Did you see that drummer boy? He can beat my drum anytime."
- "Wanna bet on how long before you get your casserole dish back?"
- "I heard that Joseph hasn't got a job"
- "That donkey is past the use-by date"
- "Did you see the sandals she was wearing with that gown?"
and the punchline: "That baby doesn't look a bit like Joseph".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
February 06, 2004
The Mime Artist
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!� but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
February 05, 2004
You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 04, 2004
The Things Lawyers Say
A kind reader has been inundating me with jokes (some of which I just can't pass on without loosing my family-safe rating) including this one:
Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He's one hard judge!
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
10. Think you can get me off
Hmmm. Any lawyers care to add some more?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 03, 2004
Meet Me Halfway
Joe found himself in serious financial trouble. He was desperate he decided to pray to God for help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good person and loyal to you and the church. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe falls to his knees in awe, shieding his eyes from the light as God's voice booms "Meet me halfway on this, Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
February 02, 2004
Not So Punny
When the driver of a huge semi-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
[When I tried this joke on my colleagues a few were somewhat confused. Think Colgate Tooth Paste.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
February 01, 2004
Boxers VS Briefs
[My correspondent in the US swears this happened in Australia and a friend of a friend read in in the SMH. I have my doubts about that part of it but it is a good story anyway....]
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle ... especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, they had ridden up his legs, and his lack of underpants had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic under the car had to have three stitches in his head.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)