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June 30, 2004
Mistaken Identity
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: Disk Permissions
Anyone out there installing new versions or patches on MacOS X should keep in mind that fixing disk permissions can resolve a myriad of problems. In particular a dock that becomes 'read only' (cannot add icons to the dock, cannot drag stuff to the trash) seems to respond really well to a quick fix:
Permissions differ on ./Library/Preferences/com.apple.dockfixup.plist, should be -rw-rw-r-- , they are -rw-r--r--Owner and group corrected on ./Library/Preferences/com.apple.dockfixup.plist
Permissions corrected on ./Library/Preferences/com.apple.dockfixup.plist
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
June 29, 2004
Movies
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 28, 2004
The Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over and helped me. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I hated to appear stupid, but I needed to know what was going on with the computer, so I inquired, "An, ummm- ID ten T error? What is that?... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "you might be able to figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T error
I used to like Harold...
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 27, 2004
Life after Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 26, 2004
Wedding
A little boy was taking part in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting
more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was just being the Ring Bear!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 25, 2004
Surgery
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 24, 2004
How big?
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 23, 2004
Wife
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 22, 2004
How much?
My (now ex) wife, works at a school for disabled kids. I attended the school fete with my wife, and a middle aged woman came up to me and asked if I'd like to buy some raffle tickets. She followed up with "A pound a strip."
As quick as a flash, and before thinking, I asked "What'll you do for a fiver?".
She thought this was very funny, sold me some tickets, and went on her way giggling to herself.
My wife then whispered in my ear "That was Sister Mary!".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 21, 2004
Divine grace
On the way home from a particularly tiring day at school, two kids pass by a church.
Now, outside this church is a huge billboard that has the message of the day to cheer up the faithful flock.
Today's message was "Jesus loves all".
One of the kid, absolutely surprised, says, "What? Even the math teacher?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 20, 2004
Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 19, 2004
Whiskey is good for you!
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 18, 2004
Point to Ponder
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think a bagpipe makes music.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
June 17, 2004
Holy Water
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,' the priest said. 'Tell me where is this man now?'
'Flat on his back over by the holy water,' said the boy.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 16, 2004
Suicidal Tendancies
Susan and John were patients at the insane asylum. One day Susan got tired of waiting patiently outside the bathroom door for John to emerge and kicked it in. Inside, she found John trying to drown himself in the bathtub. She saved him from sure death by pulling him from the tub.
A few days later, the director of the asylum reviewed her file and called her into his office.
"Ms. Smith, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Susan replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 15, 2004
Fairy Tales
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”
“No,” he replied. A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise…”
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 14, 2004
Spooky Story
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 13, 2004
Point to Ponder
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get ..........
Then it hit me.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 12, 2004
Holding a Grudge
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $20 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 11, 2004
Dangerous Policing
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother-in-law?"
He said, "Call for backup."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 10, 2004
Tired Blond Joke
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 09, 2004
Big Game Hunting
Mr. Jones, of the Old Money Corporation, was an avid sportsman and hunter. Tennis, Golf, Swimming, the works. But, as is often the case with such people, Mr. Jones was blessed with a rather dumb secretary Administrative Assistant.
One afternoon, just before he set out for a game of Golf, he called his secretary and started to dictate a letter, all the while fidgeting with a pair of the golf balls. Ms. Secretary, impressed by the trophies of the hunt, and the various plaques on the walls, asks Mr. Jones what he was playing with. "Oh, these are golf balls." says Mr. Jones.
Next week the scene is re-enacted. Mr. Jones, again with the balls in his hands, is tossing them around, testing their weight. The Secretary, now a little more confident, says, "Congratulations Mr. Jones! You must have shot another golf last week."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 08, 2004
Fishing
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a largemouth bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy caught another large fish.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit something into his hand and then answered, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 07, 2004
Explaining Life
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I w ill give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 06, 2004
Fortune of the Day
Matter cannot be created or destroyed.
Nor can it be returned without a receipt.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 05, 2004
Distance
I notice that ROFL only had a short joke this morning so I figured I could add one that came from me old mate Theepan...
One blonde asks another: "Which is further, London or the Moon?"The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"
I guess that would explain the time lag when you talk on the phone to people in London :-)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 04, 2004
Fortune of the Day
I have never been to L.A. but apparently my reputation precedes me:
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."Former flatemates have assured me that my snoring would make a very effective contraceptive :-)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
June 03, 2004
Doctor, Doctor
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 02, 2004
Fortune of the Day
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (5)
June 01, 2004
The Seamstress
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
[From CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM