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May 31, 2006
Marriage
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Posted by Peskie at 09:37 AM
May 30, 2006
Only Once
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
Posted by Peskie at 09:35 AM | Comments (2)
May 29, 2006
Parking
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
Posted by Peskie at 09:34 AM | Comments (1)
May 28, 2006
Compliment
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,” replied the witness.
Posted by Peskie at 09:33 AM
May 27, 2006
Life
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.
Posted by Peskie at 09:32 AM
May 26, 2006
Hmmm
Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.
Posted by Peskie at 09:31 AM
May 25, 2006
Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off limits for male students, and the male dorm for females.
Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $ 180.
Questions?"
A young man raised his hand. "How much is a season pass"
Posted by Peskie at 09:29 AM | Comments (1)
May 24, 2006
Translation
See if you can translate the following?
Y Y U R Y Y U B I C U R Y Y 4 M E
Answer Below
Too wise you are, Too wise you be; I see you are, Too wise for me.
Posted by Peskie at 09:28 AM | Comments (1)
May 23, 2006
Huh?
How would we measure hail without golf balls?
Posted by Peskie at 09:26 AM | Comments (1)
May 22, 2006
Shopping
While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy thing with matching robe.
.
"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear THAT!"
Posted by Peskie at 09:24 AM
May 21, 2006
Hunting
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.
That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
Posted by Peskie at 09:21 AM
May 20, 2006
Washington
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Posted by Peskie at 09:20 AM
May 19, 2006
Pilots
A young and overconfident pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
Posted by Peskie at 09:18 AM | Comments (1)
May 18, 2006
Lawyers 2
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
“I win!” said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”
“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.
“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”
Posted by Peskie at 09:17 AM | Comments (2)
May 17, 2006
Jobs Goin'...
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager.
He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Posted by Peskie at 09:13 AM
May 16, 2006
Lawyers
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water
Posted by Peskie at 09:12 AM | Comments (1)
May 15, 2006
Columbus
Columbus DID have a fourth ship.
It sailed over the edge.
Posted by Peskie at 09:10 AM
May 14, 2006
Trials and Tribulations
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
Posted by Peskie at 09:09 AM | Comments (1)
May 12, 2006
Hymns for all occassions
The Dentist's Hymn....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn...............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn......................There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn..................Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn..............Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn................This Little Light of Mine
The Shopper's Hymn..................Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn..........I've Got a Mansion, Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn....He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn.....................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph...................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph...................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph.........Precious Memories
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 11, 2006
Is This Funny Yet?
[Found at Is This Funny Yet?...]
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. (Nah, not funny yet.)The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand....and try saying things like: "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. (Wait, there's more.)
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t.....what happened next?" (Minor uproar, followed by two or three chortles.)
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
May 10, 2006
Spring and Autumn
[Found at A Different World...]
Wally, 85, married the girl of his dreams, a chick only 25 years old. On the wedding night the chick decided they should have separate rooms, fearing Wally might get rambunctious and have a heart attack.
Shortly after going to bed, Wally arose and went into the chick's room and "made hay." A couple of hours later, Wally again arose and went into his bride's room and "did what came naturally." Three hours later, Wally was back. The bride says, "My, how can you do it so often?"
And Wally says, "You mean I have been here before?"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
May 09, 2006
Old Age
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he wanted to get married?..."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
May 08, 2006
I want a mink
[Found at Read My Lips...]
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
May 07, 2006
Army
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 06, 2006
Windows
It's called "Windows Longhorn" because its real name, "The Repair Shop and Help-Desk Full Employment Act of 2006," won't fit on the box.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 05, 2006
Blondes
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway.
When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, .
'OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?'
Posted by Peskie at 06:00 PM
Jesus was....
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
AMEN
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
May 04, 2006
Employee Surveys
This was originally posted in a comment that got detached from it's post...
[Sir Humphrey demonstrates how public surveys can reach opposite conclusions]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think there is lack of discipline and vigorous training in our Comprehensive Schools?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think young people welcome some structure and leadership in their lives?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do they respond to a challenge?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Might you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?
Bernard Woolley: Er, I might be.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes or no?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Of course, after all you've said you can't say no to that. On the other hand, the surveys can reach opposite conclusions.
[survey two]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Are you unhappy about the growth of armaments?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think it's wrong to force people to take arms against their will?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Would you oppose the reintroduction of conscription?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
[does a double-take]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: There you are, Bernard. The perfectly balanced sample.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 PM
Dr Dr!
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 03, 2006
Confidence
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 02, 2006
Two parrots
This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end.
Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says, "Let us pray." Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day."
So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priest's parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out, "Let's make love."
The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said, "My prayers have been answered."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
May 01, 2006
Top 10 Hymns for Modern Christians
Top ten favorite hymns for post-modern Christians:
10. I Surrender Some
9.O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
8. Onward, Christian Reservists
7. Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus!
6.There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
5.A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
4.Take My Life and Let Me Be
3.Milling! Milling! Milling Around in the Light of God
2.There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
1.Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM