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July 31, 2003

Only in America!

[Ed: This item was included in a newsletter from a Real Estate Agent which was sent to my mother. Hi Mum!]

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC lawyer having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the lawyer had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires".

HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

By the way, this is of course an urban legend.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 30, 2003

Young Professionals - Government Worker

Images provided by Theepan:


KidGovment.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 29, 2003

Young Professionals - Manager

Images provided by Theepan:


KidManager.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 28, 2003

Young Professional - Rockstar

Images provided by Theepan:


KidRockstar.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 27, 2003

Young Professionals - Magician

Images provided by Theepan:


KidMagic.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 26, 2003

Young Professionals - Fireman

Images provided by Theepan:


KidFireman.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 25, 2003

Irish Game Show

Now Paddy was an Irishman (an Irishman of note, who fell into a fortune and bought himself a goat). Well this is one of the stories about how he didn't make as big a fortune as he could have :-)

Paddy was staring in a game show. It was an international thing put on for the kiddies. Paddy happened to be visiting the TV station (looking for work) when someone said to him: "You must be Irish". Well Paddy was pleased as punch that he had been spotted and said "And what else would I be?". The lady roped him into appearing on the kids show with the promise of a tenner for joining in and a hundred pounds if he won it. Looked like easy money to Paddy until he discovered the twist. You had to know the answer and spell it as well....

There were a number of candidates but by the final round there were only three left. Paddy had survived by luck (and some lousy spelling on the part of the opposition). He was competing against Joe from Texas and Bluey from Down Under.

"OK", said the host, "here is your question and it's an easy one: Complete this sentance and don't forget to spell the word.... Are your ready? ... Old MacDonald had a what?"

Quick as a flash the Texan gunned his buzzer and shouted "Old MacDonald had a ranch - R A N C H".

The wrong answer buzzer had no sooner made it's terrible sound when Bluey walloped his buzzer within an inch of his life and yelled: "Old MacDonald had a station - S T A T I O N".

Once again the wrong answer buzzer sounded and the host look over to Paddy. "Take your time" he said and offered some help - "It's a children's song about Old MacDonald and all the animals that live on his ... something starting with F".

Paddy grinned as he realised he knew the answer: "Old MacDonald had a farm - E I E I O".

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 24, 2003

Archaeologists

[Emailed by a fellow Newton user from Australia: Allan Ngaparu]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

HolyFish.png

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

HolyFish.png

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

HolyFish.png

The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."

HolyFish.png

"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

HolyFish.png
The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!".

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 23, 2003

Young Professionals - Doctor

Images provided by Theepan:


KidDoctor.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 22, 2003

Young Professionals - Dancer

Images provided by Theepan:


KidDancer.png

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 21, 2003

The Russian Joke

I know it is early for this one, but I did promise Alex(ei) that I would post a Russian joke after he protested about all the French jokes....

Ruddy, was sitting, relaxed in his armchair. Having recently become the (communist) mayor of the small village, he was feeling quite pleased with himself. He was smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper while his wife fussed around the room cleaning up.

Just as he was fully absorbed in a story, she muttered: "It's raining again".

"No it isn't", her corrected her. That's just some horses up near the road.

He went back to the paper knowing that what she meant was "and you haven't fixed the leak in the attic roof yet" but at least she hadn't said it out loud.

He got right back into the article was was an absolutely riveting piece complementing the new mayor when she did it again: "It is raining".

"It is not!" he sternly cried.

"But it is raining, I can hear it and you haven't ...."

The mayor jumped out of his chair and roared at the top of his voice, punching the air to lend force to his claim: "I" "Rudolph" "The Red" "Knows" "Rain" "Dear!".

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 20, 2003

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Via email from Theepan :-)

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon." Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Begorah, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"Of course I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know stuff-all about birds."
"For heaven sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 19, 2003

Valentines Day

This joke from Jivha.

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I Just dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day! what do you think it means?"

With love in his voice, the man kissed her and said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation, the woman quickly opened the package to find this.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 18, 2003

Daffinitions

From Theepan, via email:

Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor - News that travels faster than the speed of sound.
Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy - A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.
Worry - Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat - A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Optimist - A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser - A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father - A banker provided by nature.
Criminal - A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.
Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor - A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)

July 17, 2003

Why $2 is not to be Sniffed At

[Ed: This is from Spike dateline 8th August, I can't resist this and I don't think I can add anything to make it funnier...]

A strike by members of the Electrical Trades Union was ended yesterday after a breakthrough in negotiations with Sydney Water. One of the bones of contention was its wish to axe the $1.98 daily pungent odours allowance from the award. Sewerage workers are paid $2 extra a day to smell your smells - and Sydney Water wanted to take it off them. Unfair! That two bucks wouldn't even buy a stick of deodorant. Workers at the Industrial Relations Court yesterday told one reporter that managers had claimed upgraded facilities had ceased to stink. That was until managers visited a plant for a meeting and were forced by the odour to change venues.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 16, 2003

Wallaby Tickets?

From Column 8 (Sydney Morning Herald) via email:

Did you hear about the guy mugged in Brisbane last week? When he recovered, he found nothing stolen, but two tickets for Saturday's Wallaby game had been stuffed into his pocket.

For the non-locals: Last weekend the "All Blacks" (New Zealand) thrashed the "Wallabys" (Australia) and Australia will now play South Africa.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 15, 2003

Men!

Writing the last entry with a reference to Jivha's blog reminds me of a really old corney riddle/joke.

Q: Why do all old women keep a dog, a cat and a parrot?

A: It's the closest thing to a man that they can get. The dog growls, the cat stays out all night and the parrot swears. And none of them listen to a word she says :-)

That in turn reminds me of something a mentor once told me:


You can never understand women. They will always do the opposite of what you expect, even if you expect them to do the opposite. Take menopause. Different for every woman. Men have it way easier. All men get menopause and do exactly the same thing .... they buy a sports car and pick up chicks!

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 14, 2003

Punch Drunk

[Ed: From Theepan. Please read the whole joke before you complain about it.]

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg. After a round of beer, the Chinese man sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the was that for?" The Director ranted, "That's for the bombing of the Pearl Harbour you ##@!!*#!. My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese. I am Chinese."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah......... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same," retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor.
"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.
"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant man! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the director.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.........Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg......... you are all the same!"

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 13, 2003

Curtains Required

[Ed: Reminder - before you complain about the blonde joke - I used to be one!]

This joke via Pat:

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.

The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains ....

And the blonde said: Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 12, 2003

Bad Drivers

Catching up on the news, I found a number of sites have mentioned this amazing incident of a car crash.

You can imagine the courtroom:
Lawyer: What caused you to collide with the vehicle in front of you?
Driver: It was these underpants blocking my view.
Lawyer: Most people don't wear their underwear on their heads.
Driver: But it wasn't my underwear.
Lawyer: They look like men's underpants.
Driver: They are men's underpants but not mine.
Lawyer: So who's underpants are they?
Driver: Well I don't know his name ....
Lawyer: So you wear a strangers underpants on your head?

Never mind. Just struck me as being ridiculous.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 11, 2003

Ice Fishing

Now, remember that I am allowed to tell blonde jokes because I are one! (well actually I were one!).

This joke via Pat again: A Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 10, 2003

French Victory #2

[This item was supposed to appear yesterday in the post-Bastille Day collection but somehow never made it out of the draft ...]

As far as I can tell, this (scroll down the page) is the original 'French Military History' posting (at least I haven't found any earlier ones yet). There is a slightly modified one here which a number of sites point to but it is more recent. I have also seen a number of emails circulating about the same content. Anyway, pick one of the links and have a good laugh.

Mind you to be fair, Australians celebrate Gallipoli as a major military episode and we lost that one to the Turks and the English ;-)

Hoist by Their Own Petain

So, after 58 years, the French have decided that they prefer Vichy after all. It's hardly surprising. When the Vichy regime was in power, one could pretty much do what one wanted when it came to those troublesome Jews. Yes, there were shortages and lots of Germans around, but that's not much different from the present. Plus, just like today, the truly intellectual could take pride in the notion that they were part of something larger than a piddling little nation state. And really, "Libert?, ?galit?, fraternit?!" is just so passe. Vichy knew that too, which is why they were replaced with Travail (work), Famille (family), and Patrie (fatherland).

Not that those are any better. The modern Vichian motto might as well be ignorez, retarde, apaisez. Ignore, delay and appease describe the French character as well as anything else, excepts perhaps "Unions, Vacations and Occasional Showers!".

You can hardly blame the French. France is example number one when comes to natural selection of a nation's character.

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I? - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina?- Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them. There's no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France's

To arms, to arms, ye brave!
Th'avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.

Oh liberty can man resign thee,
Once having felt thy gen'rous flame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bar confine thee?
Or whips thy noble spirit tame?


Can dungeons, bolts, and bar confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame? Yes, demonstrably. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

You should keep that in mind, Herr Schroeder.

Update: Added the American revolution so as to satisfy the completists. Thanks Boulder Dude.

Also, those of who liked this bit of fluff might also like one of these.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 09, 2003

Potatoes

[This joke from Chi via Theepan, thanks both of you!]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Fred

At 4.00 am, next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Fred

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

July 08, 2003

Sowetan F1 Team

[This South African Joke via Pat in England - it is a well travelled story!]

Viva Ferrari SA!
Ferrari Formula 1 racing team recently fired their whole pit crew to employ a few young guys from Soweto. This sudden reaction was due to a TV documentary showing how young Sowetans could take a car's wheels off within 6 seconds, without any fancy equipment. Ferrari soon regretted their decision, however, as the young men not only changed the wheels within 6 seconds, but 12 seconds later the car had been re-sprayed and sold to the McLaren team. Ferrari was still eager to compete in the race and, since they no longer had a Formula 1 car to race with, decided to to race a Sowetan minibus taxi complete with an experienced (yet unlicensed) driver and fare collector in the Grand Prix. Of course they easily won the championship, since the minibus weaved its way through the start grid, set off before the lights changed and didn't bother to change the tyres when they wore out. It also took all corners at maximum speed, as the brakes were non-existent. On the way to victory, the new Ama-Ferrari-Ferrari team also managed to hijack several competitors' cars, and picked up 35 passengers at some notoriously dangerous spots, including blind rises as well as in the chicane. We can be proud of another SA sporting achievement which will put us at the forefront of sporting history. Well done boys!!!

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 07, 2003

Sh*t happens

[From Pat in the UK]

It may be old, it may even have been around since the beginnings of civilisation, but it sure has the ring of truth that makes it worth sending on each time it comes around!

The Plan.

In the beginning was The Plan,
And then came the assumptions,
And the assumptions were without form
And The Plan was completely without substance,
And the darkness was upon the faces of the employees;

And they spoke among themselves, saying:
" It's a crock of shit and it stinks."

And the employees went unto their supervisors, saying:
"It's a pile of dung and none can abide by the odour thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying:
"It's a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none can abide it."

And the managers went unto their division heads, saying:
"It's a vessel of fertiliser and none can abide its strength."

And the div heads went unto the directors, saying:
"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

And the directors went unto the CEO, saying:
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the CEO went unto the Board, saying:
"This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this organisation."

And the Board looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good,
And The Plan became the official company policy.
And that, my friends,
Is how Shit Happens.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 06, 2003

Corporate Lessons

Theepan (who was given his notice today) send me a lovely powerpoint slide for the essential corporate lessons. I won't put the whole slide up due to download constraints but I will tell the three stories:

1. The Crow
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared ... jumped on the rabbit ... and ate it.
Moral: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

2. The Turkey
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by the farmer ... who promptly shot him.
Moral: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

3. The Little Bird
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, the bull came along and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Moral 1: Not everyone who covers you in sh*t is your enemy.
Moral 2: Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
Moral 3: When you find yourself deep in sh*t, keep your mouth shut.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)

July 05, 2003

Tiger in Ireland

[Thanks Jivha!]


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the God's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 04, 2003

Saddam calling

[Thanks Theepan]

Saddam decided to send George W. Bush a letter to let him know he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message "370HSSV 0773H".

George W. couldn't figure it out so he shared it with Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the CIA. No one could decode it so it went to the NSA-- and then to MIT, NASA, the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

I would have used '4' instead of 'H' (remember those old Casio caculators) but dunno what could have been used for the 'V'.

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 03, 2003

Golfing Term

Email from Steve (sounds like an urban legend but it's funny enough to use anyway):

Exciting historical information you need to know so you can go about your day better informed. It's about shipping manure, that's right manure!
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything which was too big to be carried by horse-drawn vehicle had to be transported by ship. It was also before chemical fertilizers were invented (der!), so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because it weighed a lot less than when wet. But ........... and this is a big but, if it got wet (like from sea water), it not only became heavier, but more importantly, the process of fermentation began, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, KABOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which meant the sailors had to stow it high enough so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golfing term.

While we are working on the origin of words, I hope you know that auditorium caomes from 'audio' (to hear) and tarus (bull).

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 02, 2003

More S.H.I.T.

[Ed: This one is from Pat - thanks!]

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM

July 01, 2003

Requiescat In Pace

A man dies and goes to heaven. All his life he has been a churchgoer and has observed all the rituals, all the commandments (although he's broken a few along the way) and has tried, in the main to lead a Christian Life. Finding himself in a vast foyer through which a stream of people is passing he reports to reception and is directed to an interview room by the Receiving Angel. After a brief interview with another angel who has checked all the records and pointed out all the man's sins, he is directed out of the room and told to find a door with a particular number. "Welcome to heaven," says the angel, but please be very quiet as you pass door Number 1 on your way.
"Why?" asks the man, curious.
"Because that's where all the Fundamentalists are, and they think they have the place to themselves!"
...

Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM