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October 30, 2003
Under a kilt?
Firstly, this is not a picture of a ballerina. And, no, he is not standing on his toes to wave at the crowd. In fact, he has just spun around several times and hurled a 22 pound (10kg) stone weight with a handle attached (see upper circled area). The reason for this photo is it provides at least one answer to the age old question - what does a Scot wear under his kilt?
The oldest story I can find about it came from a tattered collection of "military legends" where it is mentions Queen Victoria and a victim from the Crimea War (do those two actually match?) who was a Scotsman. The legend was that the Queen spoke to the wounded soldier about the conditions (he had lost a leg) and happened to touch briefly on the question of what was worn beneath the kilt. The old soldier drew himself up and responded: "I canna speak for all but there's nothing worn beneath my kilt - it's all in perfect working order".
You can find more responses (and pictures) at this site. If that isn't enough for you, check out The Straight Dope. I guess that means the athlete at the top is not "going regimental"!
Of course there is the Andy Stewart song that I have quoted before:
...A lady passing by me, suddenly fainted at my feet.
If you want to know my lad, well here's what happened then,
I looked down and she looked up and she fainted once again...
Finally there is a lovely poem (from ShirleyPipeBand.com):
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (14)
October 29, 2003
An American in London
[This joke via email from The Gray Monk.]
An American in Paris?
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning towards the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 28, 2003
Sex Aid
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I have always suspected that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 27, 2003
Celebrations
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 26, 2003
Polite Rejection
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago "
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
October 25, 2003
Rooster Competition
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this." He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.
"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 24, 2003
Golf Nut
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
[Found over at Silver Blue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 23, 2003
Generous Barber
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
[Found at Read My Lips].
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 22, 2003
Arriving in France
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
[Found over at Read My Lips.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 21, 2003
Naming Your Kids
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
Diane's 4-year-old son overheard some of his mother's private conversations.
One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too."
"Really?" asked the lady.
"Yes." said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 20, 2003
Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
[Found over at Accidental Verbosity.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 19, 2003
Venus and Mars
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants. Open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner�s ex and notices she has gained 17 pounds
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude, who also bend over a lot displaying growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over, naturally).
6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies�some bending over)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 A night cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
[Found at Silver Blue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 18, 2003
Results ...
There were three men talking about their wives. The first man had married a woman from Maryland. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.
Gotta love those women from Massachusetts.
[Found over at CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 17, 2003
Pig Trading
As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."
[Found over at Utterly Boring.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 16, 2003
The Ultimate Ball
A golfer is out on the course on a lovely sunny day, about to tee off. Just as he lifts his club, and man comes runnin' up to him holdin' out a golf ball. "Wait!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin' really 'mazin' to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, asks, "What is it? Can't ya see I am tryin' to play some golf here?"
"It's a special golf ball! You can never lose it."
The golfer scoffs, "Never lose it? What ever do you mean? I mean what happens if you hit it into the water trap?"
"No problem," comes the reply, "This ball floats and it detects the closest route to the shore and spins in that direction."
"OK," says the golfer, "Say I hit it way off into the woods?"
"Easy," the other man replies, "It beeps so you can find it with your eyes closed."
The golfer is startin' to be impressed, "So, tell me this, say your round is runnin' a bit late and it gets dark, what then?"
"No problem 'tall," says the man, "The ball glows in the dark. I am tellin' ya, you can't ever lose this ball."
"I am sold," says the golfer, and he and the man arrange proper payment for the miracle ball. After the money has changed hands and the golfer has the ball firmly in his hands, he turns to the man and asks, "Where did this ball come from?"
The man replied, "I found it."
[Found over at Read My Lips.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 15, 2003
The Hangover
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00. Broken furniture - $200.00. Breakfast - $10.00. Saying the right thing - priceless.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 14, 2003
Fools?
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."
[Found over at Read My Lips.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
Solaris Packages
Spent a large part of today trying to write up a package creation guide for Solaris. The idea is to take some software (OpenSSL in this case), build both 64 and 32 bit binaries and assemble the whole thing into a Solaris package for mass distribution. Piece of cake.
Now document the process so it can be followed by a new graduate. Then revise it so it can be read by a manager (Dilbert style).
Actually the libraries are easy because the 32 bit files go in the lib directory and the 64 bit ones go in the sparcv9 subdirectory. The executables are a little bit harder unless you happen to find out about isaexec (which lives in /usr/lib normally). This allows you to put the 32 bit executables in a sparcv7 subdirectory, the 64 bit files go in sparcv9 and you create hard links to isaexec with the same name as your executables.
The tricky part ended up being the script that creates the pkg file. In the end I had a script that will work in most cases by just setting the four config entries at the top of the file. For more advanced cases, the script contains lots of commented sections (e.g. to include init scripts, or files outside the normal package space).
Any Solaris geeks who want a copy of the script are welcome to it :-)
For the geeks who are still reading: what on earth happened to sparcv8? Was Sun only using odd numbers or did it reference some value between 32 and 64?
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
October 13, 2003
The Spanner
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*st*rd!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*st*rd!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*st*rd. And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 12, 2003
Siren Song
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
[Found over at Cynical Cyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
October 11, 2003
Life after Death!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact
"Mary . .. Mary . ..."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida.
[Found over at Read My Lips.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 10, 2003
Urgent Virus Warning
[Ed: This one via email from Ben. Thanks.]
Subject: URGENT VIRUS WARNING!!!
There is a new virus - code name "Work". If you receive "work" from your colleagues or your boss, via e-mail, 'phone or anywhere else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:
1) Put on your jacket
2) Round up two good friends
3) Go straight to the nearest pub
4) Order three drinks, 14 times.
You will find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 09, 2003
Virus Rewards
Those of you who write blogs (as well as read them) would be aware that sometimes ideas just don't make it out the door. In this case I saw a news item about the Microslosh reward being posted for catching those responsible for the recent virus attacks. I immediately thought to myself: "Cool, turn in Billy Boy and make some money". I even chatted at work about it. Then I sat down to write and got distracted by NetNewsWire (bad NetNewsWire!) and found that someone had beaten me to the punch (and done it far more professionally than I could):
See, as faithful viewer Jason Nieckar pointed out, CNET reports that Microsoft has launched the Anti-Virus Reward Program by tossing a $5 million fund at international law enforcement agencies and posting a $250,000 bounty for information leading to the arrest, conviction, and subsequent execution of the rapscallions who unleashed the Blaster and SoBig viruses that ran roughshod over Windows networks earlier this year. (Need some walking-around money? Consider the exciting and rewarding life of a Cyber-Criminal Bounty Hunter! You get to pretend to be Boba Fett and make money while doing it!)
A quarter of a million dollars for fingering the SoBig and Blaster perps? Considering that experts estimate the damages from each of those viruses to be in the billions of dollars, does anyone else feel that Microsoft is, well, cheaping out? $250,000 is probably roughly what the company spends on Twizzlers for the candy dishes in the break rooms every month. Even that $5 million total that Microsoft is turning over to law enforcement to fund the crackdown on virus writers probably doesn't even come close to the company's budget for routine weekly soul removal treatments for its staff.
But there's another reason why Microsoft's reward program is unseemly: arguably the most important ingredient in any of the big viruses is the Microsoft security hole it exploits to get down and funky in the first place-- and Microsoft's responsibility for Blaster is even more apparent, since that particular worm only existed to illustrate and protest the very Swiss cheese security that made its spread possible. (Blaster's code contains this message: "Billy Gates why do you make this possible? Stop making money and fix your software.") So, as faithful viewer Ryan Hoysuggests, does that mean we can turn in Microsoft's own programmers and score up to half a mil? Ka-ching!!
You can check the whole story here (scroll down to the third story).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 08, 2003
You have two cows
Or at least Jay Solo does. It is an update to a classic old joke with such wonderful additions:
Mooooooo
Renee sent me this in e-mail today. I cleaned and formatted it for the blog and thoguht I would share it, for any of you who haven't seen it yet. It's extended from previous variants I've seen, and really got me laughing. Here it is...
The latest version of a classic.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows." Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 07, 2003
Tech Support II
You all know how a former smoker makes the most violent anti-smoker? Well in this case, having shaken my former ISP like a bad habit, I am going to have a good rant (or winge) about them. My former ISP was part of a large telecommunications company (former monopoly) and the service plan rhymed (and smelt) like PigPong (Cable). This story was inspired by a comment in this post at Utterly Boring:
Generally, I won't call tech support people. I'll go online, and try everything I can find and try to figure it myself. I'll only call tech support as a last ditch effort.
I can empathise with that position. I would rather do some reading, on-line searching, or human networking before logging a call. Having been on the end of a support line, I figure they would appreciate the elimination of the obvious so that we don't waste any time.
Here is the picture, I have a cable modem connected to PigPong. It has three lights on it. The leftmost light (N) is out - this means (I have read the book) that the link between me and PigPong is down. The cable modem connects to an airport basestation which has port redirection turned on for important things like web browsing but turned off for everything else (like all those windblows administration ports and things). On the inside I have my main server connected by 100Mb ethernet to the basestation and a number of laptops connecting over a wireless link. All of this is sanctioned by PigPong because I am a "business customer". I need to get on-line for some client work so I want to know how long the outage will last (should I arrange another connection elsewhere or wait).
I ring Tech Support. I push buttons to navigate menus (actually I have written the sequence down to save time and just press all the buttons at the start. I get put on hold. I get lots of messages played at me. One is about some outage in Victoria (different state, so whoopee). None of them mention problems in Sydney. I am aware that there is currently one of these regular Microslosh specials attempting to bring the net to it's knees. SoBig, VeryBig, BigBlast, whatever. Probably causing havoc at the ISP but I just want to know how long the outage will be.
More music. Message suggestion that I check their web site for problem resolution steps. Good idea. Must remember to ask how to check the website to find out how to check their website....
More waiting.
Time passes.
My beard grows longer.
I clip my fingernails and start on the toenails.
I go and have lunch and come back to find that I am still on the queue (not really but I could have done).
I finally reach someone. It is immediately obvious that we are not in Kansas. In fact we are not in any land of the native English, Australia or American speakers. That's cool but unexpected. I explain that I am having problems and mention the little light being off...
Alleged Technician: You need to reboot your PC.
Me: No worries. It is not actually a PC, it is a router.
AT: No, no, you must reboot your PC.
Me: Well really there is a Mac and a router and the cable modem.
AT: Oh no, you must connect your PC direct to the cable modem.
Me: I won't do that. I just want to know how long the outage will be.
AT: There is no outage.
Me: (Well maybe he knows best - perhaps the LED is blown). Well I can't connect.
AT: Go to your start menu and ....
Me: I don't have a start menu. This is a Mac.
AT: Macs can't use the internet. Get your PC and stop wasting my time.
Me: Look, I can reboot my Mac. I can reboot my router, I can reboot the modem. None of that fixes the problem. What else do you want to try?
AT: You must connect directly to the modem.
Me: Why.
AT: We do not support the use of routing equipment. It is very illegal to connect one.
Me: I want to speak to your supervisor.
AT: I must report you for using a router.
At this point, to my entire discredit, I lost my temper. I had been waiting for so long and this idiot was just stuffing me around. I believe I called him a cretin and pointed out that I was on a business plan (and had been on it for five looooong years) and I wanted his manager on the phone NOW! So AT put me on hold again.
AT: Sorry sir (I have been promoted!) to keep you waiting. The manager is not available.
Me: Well who can help with my problem.
AT: If you just connect your machine to the modem.
Me: Don't try that again. Can you reach my modem from your end.
AT: No I cannot. Just a moment. What is that.
Muffled noises at the other end - someone is obviously coaching him. After a few minutes I suddenly get back on hold again.
AT: I think the problem will go away if you reboot everything now.
As he says this, the light turns on. Obviously something he was able to fix at his end. Well my problem is solved but I have a real sour feeling. I thank AT and start looking for a new ISP (which I have since found).
I have read about how this outsourcing of call centres is supposed to work. You put the call centre somewhere cheap, train the staff well and no-one is the wiser. In this case, the poor guy answering the phone had no idea what was going on. Was it his poor English? Maybe he missed the training? Maybe he was brought up in the school of "reboot to fix it".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 06, 2003
Tech Support
I have, at different time, been on both ends of the Tech Support line. The worst stories I have about providing tech support are when I was working for a financial organisation and the "operators" used to call with their problems. In this particular organisation the operators were assumed to be about as smart as trained monkeys. They had job sheets where every step was itemised and had to be initialled before proceeding. About 3 am I get paged for a support call so I ring in (as per the rules) to talk to Dopey (not his real name).
Dopey: Ummm. I gotta problem.
Me: What
Dopey: Ummm. I did step 6 before step 5.
I am racking my brain to think what the steps were numbered, eventually give up, grab my Newton and checks list. The abbreviated list looks something like:
...
Step 4: Insert current tapes (labelled XXXX1 through to XXXX4) in tape stacker (labelled UNIX-4)
Step 5: On the console select menu item (B)ackup and press return once. Wait for finished message.
Step 6: Eject stacker cartridge from tape stacker (labelled UNIX-4)
...
Basically, Dopey has ejected the cartridges before the backup has finished (actually as it turned out, before the backup started). He figured there were two activities that had to be done out of his chair (and away from the TV) so he economised by doing steps 4 and 6 together before trying step 5 which of course failed due to the lack of a tape to write on.
Me: OK, Do step 4 again.
Dopey: I can't.
Me: Why not?
Dopey: Because it has already been signed and logged (i.e. initialled and timestamped).
Me: You have to do step 4 again.
Dopey: I can't.
Me: Don't make me come in there with my LART and deal with you!
At this point Dopey hangs up. I have to get in the car and drive into the city. I park in the garage and head upstairs. There is no sign of Dopey - he split and never returned.
One day I will tell you a story from the other side: The Story of the ISP from Hell (with new improved outsourced call center). In the meantime, you could go and read this one while you wait.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 05, 2003
Women Drivers V
This is the last in our series on women drivers. The photos were supplied by WEBY (thanks mate).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
October 04, 2003
Women Drivers IV
Here is another in our series on women drivers. The photos were supplied by WEBY (thanks mate).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (5)
October 03, 2003
Women Drivers III
Here is another in our series on women drivers. The photos were supplied by WEBY (thanks mate).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
October 02, 2003
Women Drivers II
Here is another in our series on women drivers. The photos were supplied by WEBY (thanks mate).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
TechTip: Beyond Patching?
NetNewsWire shows the 'summary' for entries and it contained this gem which was so good, I don't even have to read the full article from CNet:
Microsoft moves beyond patches
Conceding that its strategy of patching Windows holes as they emerge has not worked, the software giant plans a new security effort focused on what it calls "securing the perimeter."
Makes sense to me and fits with earlier discussion here about discontecting Microslosh boxes from the internet. Secure the perimeter by using real computers (TM) that run Real Operating Systems (TM) which effectively means anything not made by Microslosh - even a C64 or Tandy Colour Computer would be more secure :-)
Actually if you read the article it is a typical "inside the box" look at the problem. The quotes run along the lines of: "we issue patches", "customers won't install them", "speed of internet means the cycle from bug to patch is getting tighter", "need to issue patches more frequently", "need customers to patch more often", "customers still won't install them" ad infinitum.
Hop outside the box and ask yourself something. How does Open Software deal with this? Answer: by writing the code more carefully to start with. Instead of slapping the customers around for not installing patches, slap the coders (and their managers) around for producing buggy code. The problem will be rooted in two key causes - first there is the inability to write good, secure code (most universities no longer teach this because they have become insensitised by exposure to lousy software) and secondly there is the way that quick coding as opposed to good coding is rewarded internally. Promote coders whose software does not need to be patched rather than the coders who generate the most function points / lines of code / whatever.
Where is Ken Robinson when you need him?
P.S. Ken Robinson was a lecturer (now a professor) at UNSW who taught me (in second year, a long time ago) a subject called something along the lines of "program proving" which involved writing code in some horrible language that included pre-conditions and postconditions for every statement. The deal was that you could prove (in this language) exactly what the program would do. The rigour of learning this way has always stayed with me and I think it (or something similar) should be compulsary for all programmers.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (1)
October 01, 2003
Women Drivers
Melodrama has a post about women bloggers so I just can't resist posting the first (of five) pictures of women drivers (which is a weird Australian way of looking at things). The photos were supplied by WEBY (thanks mate).
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)