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January 31, 2004
Female Fantasy
A recent Harris On-line poll 38562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said (correctly) that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (9)
January 30, 2004
Football Player
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" the coach asked him.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 29, 2004
Lateral Thinking
Some years ago, there was a story about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street.
Some Jews were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first.
The Jewish synagogue had a problem.
Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.
Instead, they used bumper stickers.
One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !"
No more parking lot problems.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)
January 28, 2004
Aussie Three Kick Rule
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural New South Wales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things Down Under. We settle small disagreements like this with the Aussie Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Aussie Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly then the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot - now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 27, 2004
Car Salesmen
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found their salesman working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," the man announced to the salesman, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 26, 2004
Who is First?
[This joke via email]
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 25, 2004
Smart Kids
Picture a Sunday School class full of bright but fidgety kids. Add one of those hyper enthusiastic teachers who wants to talk about heaven ....
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" the teacher asks.
"NO!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"
"Well," he continues, "then how can I get to heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead first!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 24, 2004
Little Old Lady
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed a little old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 23, 2004
You and the IRS
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 22, 2004
Australian Summer
You know you're in an Australian Summer when:
1. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.
2. Hot water comes out of both taps.
3. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
4. The temperature drops below 35C (95F) and you feel a little chilly.
5. You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
6. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.
7. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
8. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.
9. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
10. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.
12. You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during the night.
13. You pray that your train will have airconditioning, and if it doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 21, 2004
Name that Paper
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 20, 2004
Modern Sayings
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Perhaps you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9. Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.
13. If you intend to live forever, so far, so good.
14. Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
15. Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.
17. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
21. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
22. Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view.
23. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
24. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29. A clear conscience is frequently the sign of a bad memory.
30. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
31. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
[Stolen from PD.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 19, 2004
Rules of Manhood
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
18: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
23: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
24: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
25: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
26: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever!
[Stolen from PD.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 18, 2004
Thoughts of a Jewish Buddhist
Thanks to UtterlyBoring for this list of Jewish Deep Thoughts of sorts.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 17, 2004
Two Idiots
[Ed: This is an Australian version of the previous joke which my father told me many years ago.]
Two blokes owned some property out the back of Mount Druitt and they were hoping to get lots of money for the subdivision of the block. The real estate developer warned them that they would need to get rid of the rabbits first in case some prospective buyer injured themselves.
Well they asked around and some bloke in the pub mentioned that the problem with rabbits is that you can never find all the holes. So after a lot more beer they came up with a brilliant plan to dynamite the rabbits. Next day in the brand new ute they arrived at the site and trapped a couple of rabbits in a cage. Then they went round with some quick setting cement and filled in every hole they could find. Finally they took the trapped rabbits, tied on the dynamite and lit the fuse. The rabbits headed for the nearest hole found it was blocked and started hunting for another one. Quickly discovering that all the holes were closed they dived under the only visible cover - the ute.
The insurance company refused to pay out and passed the story on the the RSPCA who went after the idiots for cruelty to animals.
Guess the first moral is that you can find all the rabbit holes if you look closely. The second moral is that you shouldn't believe everything you hear in a pub .....
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 16, 2004
Hack Job
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly, removed the handle and added a padlock. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, I'm going to set the shed on fire, You do whatever you have to do."
[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 15, 2004
Two Hunters
[Ed: This via email from Weby.]
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on , it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now, these two rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they, (and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well ---
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
January 14, 2004
Beer Quality
I noticed this joke over at Cynical Cyn and being around Australia Day with lots of drinking required I recalled an old joke about two blokes who used to argue incessantly about which beer was the best. One was a VB (Victoria Bitter) fan and the other a Tooheys drinker. The two had be arguing for years until one night a new bartender suggested that they solve the dispute scientifically. This was new idea and the young feller explained that they could send a sample of the beer off to the CSIRO labs for testing. After a bit of niggling they both agreed to kick in for the costs and the bartender sent off the carefully selected samples.
In due time a letter arrived back from the CSIRO. The whole pub waited with bated breath as the bartender opened the envelope and began to read:
Gentlemen,
We regret to inform you that it is our belief that neither of your horses will ever race again.....
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 13, 2004
The Chilli Tester
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILLI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILLI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILLI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
[Stolen from PD.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 12, 2004
Addressing a Haggis
As a number of emails have noted - it is important to address a Haggis before you eat it. To help those without the words, try this site (contains terminology links):
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the pudding-race!
Aboon them a' yet tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o'a grace
As lang's my arm.The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin was help to mend a mill
In time o'need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin', rich!Then, horn for horn, they stretch an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
Bethankit! hums.Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad make her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckles as wither'd rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash;
His nieve a nit;
Thro' blody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs an' arms, an' hands will sned,
Like taps o' trissle.Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer
Gie her a haggis!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 11, 2004
Full of feathers?
A kind reader sent me a link to this post over at 'The Register' about another name dispute with Microslosh.
In this case, 'Purax Feather Holdings' has a trademark on the word 'Microsoft' which refers to:
products using its "exclusive new non allergenic and thoroughly hygienic Polyester Fibre"
Normally this would not been a problem because there is unlikely to be confusion between something that puts you to sleep and a pillow stuffing but Microslosh had to try.
They were knocked back in 1997 because:
"The opponent," he [the judge] said, "does not appear to have have any reputation for padding, stuffing and filling materials, as at the date of the present mark's application."
As 'The Register' suggests, maybe they should revisit this case now ....
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 10, 2004
Just Hold Me
Dear Diary,
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".
I said "WTF??????" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store ..... I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say ok. And then we go to the jewelry dept where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ........ she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was ok. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said "I'm ready to go to the cash register".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ...... it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
[Stolen from PD.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 09, 2004
The Bob Memo
This is a piece of classic computer history taken from Beeker.com (via a link on AtAT):
Microsoft Clarifies Bob® Trademark Policies
REDMOND, Wash. ”January 4, 1995” In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob®, its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Ballmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them."
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName®, offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. "We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. "People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't be allowed."
Microsoft also announced today that Bob® Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.
Note that Steve Ballmer was not the CEO then and that Bob was Microslosh's first attempt to make computer friendly and more like a Mac. The annoying 'clippy' in Microslosh Office is a direct descendant of 'Bob'.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 08, 2004
If Men Got Pregnant
- Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.
- Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
- Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
- Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
- Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
[Stolen from PD.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Adding a NIS Slave Server
This is one of those things that you only do occasionally and I could not find my doco anywhere and Google was not all that helpful so I figured I would tell you lot all about it. At least next time Google should be able to find the answer quite quickly :-)
Problem: Adding a NIS slave server to an existing NIS setup.
Part I: Create the NIS slave server (easy)
slave# ypinit -c
(Fill in names of servers as required)
slave# ypbind -ypsetme
slave# ypset ypmaster
(Where ypmaster is the name of your master server)
slave# ypcat -k ypservers
(Make sure you can see the maps)
slave# ypinit -s
(Select all the default options)
So far so good - but the main server doesn't yet know about you (so maps will not propagate properly).
Part II: Diddling the master server (huh?)
master# cd /var/yp/`domainname`
master# makedbm -u ypservers > ../ypservers
(Add new server to the END of ../ypservers)
master# makedbm ../ypservers ypservers
master# ypcat -k ypservers
Looks easy but I could not find the relevant references in the on-line doco or the man pages. Now you can all do it as well. Let me return you to your regular non-geek program.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
January 07, 2004
The Powder Room
Little Johnny and Little Suzy were playing one day in the sand box, when all of a sudden little Johnny had to pee. Too embarrassed to say he had to pee in front of little Suzy, he tried to think of what his mother would do in this situation. Thinking he was quite clever he looked up and told Suzy, "I have to go powder my nose," and off he went to relieve himself.
Upon returning, little Suzy asked him if everything went okay powdering his nose. He said everything was fine. "Well," she said, with a funny look on her face, "you better close your compact, because your lipstick is sticking out."
[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 06, 2004
Figure 1
The following post is very ancient and a number of variations can be found by searching Google. When I first saw it, the post had been edited to suit the sysadmin group at a university. I asked for the original and was told to look in such-and-such a directory where the original (VMS) version sat alongside the BOFH striped bucket postings (the original BOFH stories). The two have been linked in my mind ever since. The contents are normally presented as a memo from the system designers / implementers to the users who are forever submitting complaints and change requests:
VMS Version 3:
Please stop submitting SPR's. This is our system. We designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the features of the VMS operating system.
1. Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it will be a cold day in hell before half of them are used. So many that you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. However, the number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some interesting values for the options and called them...
2. Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like them. If we didn't, we would have made something else be the default. So keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. Change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1.
3. Language processors. They work just fine. They take in source, and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You don't like the code? Too bad! You can even try to call operating system services from them. For any that you can't, use the assembler like we do. We spoke to the language processor developers about this, they think a lot like we do, they said "See figure 1".
4. Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use. You shouldn't make mistakes anyway, it is a waste of time. We don't want to hear anything about debuggers, we're not interested. See figure 1.
5. Error logging. Ignore it. Why give yourself an ulcer? You don't want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed and we probably can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00 or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1.
6. Command language. We designed it ourselves, it's perfect. We like it so much we put our name on it, DCL-- Digital's Command Language. In fact we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, sometimes we blow it though. See figure 1.
7. Real time performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a good job? So the system seems sluggish with all those priority 18 processes, no problem, just make them priority 1. Anyway, real time isn't important anymore like it used to be. We changed our group's name to get rid of the name realtime, we told all our realtime users to see figure 1 a long time ago.
In conclusion, stuff your SPR. Love VMS or leave it, but don't complain.
[Ed: Figure 1 is in the extended article....]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
TechTip: Lotto Numbers
Where do you get your "lucky numbers" from? This thought was triggered by a post over at Da Goddess which lists her lotto / lottery numbers. I have often joined in a pool at work and someone will ask: "What numbers do you want?". Does it matter? I just pull out a little random number generator and run it. I even have a nicely formatted one liner:
perl -e 'print "Lotto #: ", int(rand(43) + 1), "n"'
The other thing that got me thinking was watching:
It Could Happen To Youwhere the jury believed in a vision of a dead man and a strange wedding story (do they have juries in divorce trials in the USA?) help to select lotto numbers.
Do you have "lucky numbers"?
[Note: Lotto has 44 number here, hence the 43 (+1) to make 44.]
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (2)
January 05, 2004
Headlines of the Year
Headlines that were published in newspapers during 2003:
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS - Good thing an expert was able to explain what an ordinary person could only suspect.
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS - Now that ought to put a stop to it!
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS - I bet that will keep them busy!
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH - That's the problem with unions - always finding some excuse to stop working.
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT - Great idea! This must have happened in Texas. It sounds drastic, but I suspect it would be effective.
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE - But at least it didn't extinguish it entirely.
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES - There's a connection? You HAVE to be kidding...
COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES - New technology, lighter weight but stronger materials - where will it end?
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE - Hope it works.
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS - Hmmm, that little tidbit could come in handy....
CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY - Now THAT'S commitment.
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF - One or two of those and I bet the rest will stay in school!
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS - Oh my. I wonder how big their lawyers are?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
January 04, 2004
Where to Park in the Snow
Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?�?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
January 03, 2004
Guilty Conscience
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
January 02, 2004
Don't Come Monday
Not being an avid television watcher (in fact I don't watch it at all), I have missed some good ads. One we caught at the cinema was about some complete twit without a clue who is rabbiting on to his friend about how good his boss is. Apparently he crashed the boss's car and dropped his laptop and the boss told him DCM (Don't Come Monday*) so bozo figures his boss has given him a three day weekend. No idea what the ad was for....
[* Australian euphemism for 'fired', 'downsized', 'pink-slipped'.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
TechTip: Cheat (Civ III Mac)
Wednesday night I got an email from some dude asking about a hack I did a couple of years back for Civilization III (the game) running on the Mac. One of the small pleasures I enjoy is to write little bits of code for hacking save files for games. In this case the dude can't find my instructions (neither can I for that matter) and he mentioned that the latest patch uses compressed files. No worries, there is an uncompression program (JMapstat) which runs in Java but now how about that save file? Well it looks like the number he wants to fiddle (the amount of gold) is encoded. I can fiddle the science settings but the gold is really well disguised (with some kind of check sum) to make sure it can't be edited. That's not too much of a problem because I can insert a known good value - if I can find one.
Well I can generate a save game with $2,500 in the appropriate place, grab that value and reinsert it. Hmmm. Now I need to get a save file with more money in it......
If you want to see the code, check the extended entry....
[For the search engines: civ3 mac civIII save file cheat trainer macintosh civilization]
#!/usr/bin/perl
use IO::Seekable ;
# Change the next line to where you installed JMapstat
chdir '/tmp/JMapstat' ;
# I am too chicken to edit the file live
`/bin/cp Mapstat.tmp zzz.SAV` ;
open(FH, "+<./zzz.SAV") or die ;
$/ = "" ;
# Guess a starting address (this works for normal size maps)
my $Guess = 0x1de90 ;
seek(FH, $Guess, SEEK_SET) ;
read(FH, $b, 4) ;
my @Fields = unpack('CCCC', $b) ;
until ($Fields[0] == 76 and $Fields[1] == 69
and $Fields[2] == 65 and $Fields[3] == 68)
{
$Guess++ ;
shift @Fields ;
read(FH, $b, 1) ;
push @Fields, unpack('C', $b) ;
}
# We now know where the LEADt bit starts.
# 48 bytes later is the cash
$Guess += 48 ;
seek(FH, $Guess, SEEK_SET) ;
read(FH, $b, 6) == 6 or die ;
@Fields = unpack('C6', $b) ;
print "Found at $Guess => @Fieldsn" ;
# $2500 => @Fields = (164, 210, 255, 255, 32, 55) ;
@Fields = (164, 210, 255, 255, 32, 55) ;
$b = pack('C6', @Fields) ;
seek(FH, -6, SEEK_CUR) ;
print FH $b ;
close FH ;
How To Use:
1. Save your game (say blah.SAV)
2. Run JMapstat and open the file BUT do not choose an action
3. Run the script above
4. You now have a file zzz.SAV which can be loaded into Civ3 as a saved game
5. There is no step 5
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (1)
January 01, 2004
Quotable Quotes
Frank Gilbreth was on an outing with his 12 children. A women stopped him and asked: "Are they all yours, or is this a picnic." He immediately replied: "Madam, they are all mine and it's no picnic."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM