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July 01, 2006

Fortune Cookie

Actual Bumper Stickers
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
* Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
* Grow your own dope, plant a man.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek cunseling.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said 'no' to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Cat... the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Work hard and get rich -- annoy a Liberal
Honk if you're cute, Bark if you're not!

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Posted by Ozguru at July 1, 2006 11:00 PM