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May 31, 2005
Up?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............
Time to shut UP.....!
Oh... one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 30, 2005
The bunny and the snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through
the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a senior manager."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 29, 2005
Men...
Seeing this comment from Ozg, inspired me to go and find another Cynical Cyn joke to post:
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 28, 2005
Conclusions
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
May 27, 2005
98%
[Found at Cynical Cyn]
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then -- we elected them.
~Lily Tomlin~
I think that applies just as much in Australia except that the ratio of politicians might be higher than 2%.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 26, 2005
Lumber Yard
Two guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard
One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.
"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 25, 2005
Rule of Defactualization
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Audio CD Images
Apart from having some amazing dialogue boxes, there are still some problems in MacOS X Tiger (10.4.1). Today I got bitten by something completely out of the blue: How do you create a disk image from a CD?
Hmmm. That guy is pretty smart and he would normally work this one out, there must be some funny catch here. So I pop round to look at his machine. CD is mounted on the desktop OK. Open DiskUtility, click on the DVD drive and head up to the menu bar for File->New->Image from device. Whoops. It is greyed out. Maybe you have to click the volume rather than the device. Nope. Hmmm. I know I have done this before (I often do it with game disks if I am travelling so that I can extend the battery life on my laptop). Maybe it is something funny on his laptop. I take the CD and pop it in my laptop. Same problem. Ahhhhh. It is an *audio cd*. Apparently, you can no longer create images of audio-cd's. 點解?
Must be an anti-pirate measure. Very difficult to get around. Just download the very excellent FreeDMG and drag-n-drop your audio CD. Problem solved.
In the original article, the "Why?" was actually written in Chinese (dian1 jie6) but for some reason or other, MT refuses to allow the characters and replaces them with more question-marks. To get around this, I had to look the character up in the character palette and get a unicode number. This then has to be converted into a decimal number before MT will have anything to do with it.
So, open the character palette and select 'Traditional Chinese). Use Apple-Space to switch keyboards (to Pinyin). Type (dian1) in the search box and press enter. Hover over the highlighted character with the mouse and copy the unicode character code onto a bit of paper (9EDE). Switch back to the Aussie keyboard and open the calculator. Switch to programmer mode, select hex, type in 9EDE and then select decimal. The result should be 40670. Put this in your document with 點 ...
I guess that is almost another tech tip in it's own right :-)
In case you were wondering, "點解?" (dian1 jie6) is a Cantonese verbal exclamation which means "Why?".
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
May 24, 2005
It's
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Apple Script Errors
I was trying to install some software on Tiger but every time I clicked the installer, I got some error about AppleScript and the ScriptEditor opened with a window full of binary mishmash.
It turns out that I am not the only one and there is a simple solution.
You need to rebuild the LaunchServices database:
/System/Library/Frameworks/ApplicationServices.framework/\
Frameworks/LaunchServices.framework/Support/lsregister \
-kill -r -domain local -domain system -domain user
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
May 23, 2005
Just not Cricket
Leigh Hollingworth, "an Aussie working with the UN in Nepal", has a different take on explaining cricket to Americans (Column 8, last week). "My experience was even more difficult - explaining the concept of 'not cricket'. Having failed to explain the intricacies of the game to one American, I gave up and told him to stand at a particular spot. If the ball came near him, he was to throw it as hard as he could back to the guy with the gloves. This he did, just in time to intersect with the batsman. After explaining the term 'retired hurt', I could see the American deep in thought. Then, with a glint in his eye, he said 'Throw the ball to me. I can hit these guys easy. They're real slow'."
From Column 8, Saturday 28.05.05
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Solaris & CE
One of the options for a Solaris network connection is the Cassini Ethernet (CE) interface. This may be on-board (e.g. V480), a single expansion port expansion card or the network-enhanced a quad-port variation.
The one thing all these cards have in common is that they are unique when it comes to fiddling the settings. Normally you can drop a setting into the system file or the relevant /kernel/drv/*.conf file and that setting will apply to all ports of that type.
It turns out that the correct way to do this for a Cassini (CE) card is to do it port by port. You can read about it in the Sun developers forum, in Sun's Hardware Release Notes, or (for those with valid Sun Support contracts) you can get the nitty-gritty from this infodoc.
I found that last link via got marko?.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
May 22, 2005
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 21, 2005
Genghis Khan and the Genie
One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
"Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
"But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
"OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march to Poland three times and never invade?"
The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 20, 2005
Tithe
The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
PCI Card Identification
If you would like to submit a Unix-related Tech Tip question, just email me (ozguru AT gmail DOT com) with the subject including 'TechTip'. If I don't know the answer, I will let you know straight away and then endeavour to find the answer anyway.
Q: I have the prtdiag output from a Sun server and it shows:
pci 66 MB pci14e4,1647.14e4.1647.0 (ne+
okay /pci@1f,700000/network@2
What sort of card is this?
A: If you know the server type and have access to the Sun KnowledgeBase, then you can check for a finite list of suspects for this particular model (you know it is a network card of some kind). If that doesn't help (or you don't have access), click over to the PCI Database and use the numbers contained in the pci code: pciVENDOR,MODE.whatever. I find it easiest to search for the model (1647) so type this into the 'Search Devices' block. That leads to a short list of two cards, one from Acer (vendor 10B9) and another from Broadcom (vendor 14E4). The second one matches the vendor code reported by Sun and so the card must be a "NetXtreme Gigabit Ethernet". You can google for this term or you can check the Solaris I/O page to discover that the card is 'Solaris Ready' under Solaris X86 but there is no mention of a specific driver. That probably means the driver is bundled with Solaris.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (1)
May 19, 2005
Insults
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself. To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
My Application Won't Start
Q: I start my Unix application (apache2 in this case) but it exits straight away and there is no message or error. What's wrong?
A: Are you sure about the lack of an error message?
Q: Yes. The prompt comes back.
A: Are you really sure?
Q: Yes.
A: Are you really, really sure?
Q: Why?
A: Well a lot of Unix applications log their messages somewhere other than the screen where you launched them. They do this because it is unwise to assume that a terminal exists - the application could have been started from cron or another application. Instead they may write messages direct to a log file, to the system console or to the system log facility. You should check all of these.
To check the system console, use dmesg. This is available on most Unixes and will show you the last n messages written to the console (where n is an arbitrary number selected by your OS vendor). To check the system log facility, you need to find the log file. It might be something like /var/log/system.log (BSD, Mac) or /var/adm/messages (Solaris). You can check for sure by investigating the syslog configuration file /etc/syslog.conf which will contain a line something like:
*.notice;authpriv;kern.debug;mail.crit var/log/system.log
Finally, the application may have it's own log (as it does in the case of apache2). You could try guessing where this is located or you can use the administrator's second best friend*: truss(1). You invoke this (assuming that your OS has the program) as truss -f myapplication. This will generate a *lot* of output so you need to make sure you can scroll back through it (or capture it to a file). Start at the beginning of the output and look for open(something) = n where n is the relevant filehandle. Write down n and the name of the file. Keep scrolling and recording the open entries and look for write(n,....). This indicates that the program has written a message to a file and the file number (n) will match one of the open calls. Now you go find the file and check the messages.
In this particular case, apache2 is failing because the group 'nobody' is not defined.
[* The administrator's best friend would probably be fuser.]
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
May 18, 2005
More Correct English
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)
Rsync and Forks
Q: I read somewhere that Tiger has an rsync that works properly for Mac files.
A: I read that too - on Apple's developer site. Mind you, having tested it, it just ain't true. A number of other Unix utilities (like cp) are now smart enough to deal with resource forks but rsync is broken (as at 10.4.1). The theory is that something like: rsync -Eavzx /Applications /Volumes/External/Applications would copy all the files properly. It doesn't. Things like OmniGraffle and Microslosh Oriface end up as useless, unexecutable, files. However cp -Rp /Applications /Volumes/External/Applications works like a charm (and about 3 times faster than the rysnc command which is going to fail anyway).
BTW the good old standby CCC (CarbonCopyCloner) is also broken on Tiger. For an alternate GUI solution, try SuperDuper!.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
May 17, 2005
Party Tips #14
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Tiger and Burning
You can try to burn a CD or DVD via the Finder in Tiger (which is a nice easy way to do it). Insert a burnable volume, it appears on the Desktop, drag and drop some files and then press the yellow and black button. No worries.
What if you get 'Error Code 0x80020025' when you insert the disk?
Restart the Finder - easiest way is to log out and log in again. Alternately you could 'Force Quit' the Finder (may introduce other problems) or restart the computer. You do not (despite advice on a well-known-Mac-advice-site) need to reset your PRAM (which resets a whole bunch of preferences).
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (2)
May 16, 2005
Obituary Notices
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
Days Difference in Shell
Question: I want to calculate the number of days between two dates in shell.
Answer: Current versions of ksh can do some magic using printf.
#!/bin/ksh
DATE1=`printf '%(%s)Tn' 'Oct 6 07:51:55 2004'`
DATE2=`printf '%(%s)Tn' 'May 14 12:00:42 2005'`
SECS=`expr $DATE2 - $DATE1`
MINS=`expr $SECS / 60`
HRS=`expr $MINS / 60`
DAYS=`expr $HRS / 24`
echo $DAYS
Obviously you can adapt this as required. Remember with expr to keep spaces around the operators...
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (3)
May 15, 2005
Fright?
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “Uh-oh!”
Fearing the worst, I asked, “What's wrong now?”
George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 14, 2005
Thinking...
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 13, 2005
Hewett's Observation
The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Self printing code
Question: Can you write a program that prints itself?
Answer: Yup.
#!/usr/bin/perl -w
#
seek(DATA, 0, 0) ;
while()
{
print ;
}
__DATA__
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
May 12, 2005
Computers can...
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 11, 2005
Playgirl Response
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 10, 2005
General Statements
Most general statements are false, including this one.
-- Alexander Dumas
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 09, 2005
Prototypes
prototype, n.
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 08, 2005
Intimate Dinners
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
-- Orson Welles
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
May 07, 2005
The Boss
Rules:
(1) The boss is always right.
(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 06, 2005
Pilots
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 05, 2005
Lawyers
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
“I win!” said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”
“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.
“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 04, 2005
Jobs
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTEDMust be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager.
He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 03, 2005
Food
The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife described a friend who was a vegetarian.
"Could you imagine never having a steak again," she asked him, "and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and salad?"
"That stuff isn't food," he snorted. "That's what food eats!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
May 02, 2005
Jones' Second Law
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
May 01, 2005
Murphy's Other Laws
[From Moona over at Read My Lips...]
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
- He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
- She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the 'Juneflower.'
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
- Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
- If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
- The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
- I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM