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June 30, 2003
Missing Joke
In this post, Ozguru refers to a joke that he is not game to post ....
After a bit of dredging through the memory banks, I think he wants me to tell you about the convict joke ....
Back in the days of the penal colony, a dignitary from England was visiting Sydney and was being given a tour of the facilities. In those days there was no bridge over the harbour but there was a ferry powered by convict rowers. As the VIP was being rowed across the harbour one of the convicts took the chance and dived overboard and swam away. The guards tried to shoot him but he was a strong swimmer and quickly got out of range.
The fellow in charge of the convicts grabbed a short strip of leather and ran along between the rowers hitting left and right alternately. When he finished all the convicts lay on their backs, whipped out their willies are urinated up and over the side of the boat. Then they resumed their seats and the journey continued.
The bemused VIP turned to his guide for an explanation. "Well", he was told, "it is a custom here. When one of the boys leaves, we have a quick whip around and a p*ss up".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 29, 2003
Construction Workers
[Forward by one of Ozguru's former colleagues but he wasn't game to post it :-) but I will to test my editorial independence :-)]
This is truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c*nts at Bunnings ever bring us the f*cking gyprock"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 28, 2003
Fortune of the Day
A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!
-- Michael O'Brien
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 27, 2003
Two Callouts
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 26, 2003
Fortune of the Day
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints ...
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 25, 2003
Farmer and his Pig
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that."
The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."
The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 24, 2003
Fortune of the Day
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 23, 2003
Crazy Teacher?
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. The teacher decided to get his attention.
"Johnny," the teacher said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age*. Tell me...how did you guess?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
[* Note that the equivocal answer suggests that the teacher was in fact female :-)]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 22, 2003
Fortune of the Day
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 21, 2003
Starting at the top
One day this old lady walks into the doctor's office and is shown into a room.
When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week.
So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"
The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"'
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 20, 2003
Trees in the Road
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns the corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later, he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
[Found at Cynical Cyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 19, 2003
If Men Ruled the World
I often hear feminists complaining that men control the world. Can you believe that? Seriously if men really controlled everything then:
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 18, 2003
Children's Wisdom
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then sked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
[Found at Silver Blue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 17, 2003
After the drought
Today's funny was inspired by Simon's post about German Drivers. Apparently a third of them thing about sex while stuck in traffic and another 10% are thinking of replacing their current love interest....
Up the Territory, the drought had finally broken and those who had held on were rolling in new-found wealth. Some were wondering how to spend all this money after so many lean years. Well one of them, we can call him Mick, decided that he wanted to see the sights - hang the expense.
He talked this over with his mates in the pub and decided that he should drive to Sydney to see the bridge and the opera house. One of his mates, wondering whether Mick would go via Brisbane or Alice Springs, asked him: "What route are ya gunna take?"
Mick thought for a bit and said: "I figure I'll take the missus, she stuck with me through the drought."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 16, 2003
Fortune of the Day
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 15, 2003
The Best Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
[Found at Cynical Cyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 14, 2003
Silver Hair
John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends.
Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver - - to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are going barefoot."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 13, 2003
Opening an account
A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
[Found at Silver Blue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 12, 2003
Quality of Life
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, Senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, Senor?" The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, Senor? Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 11, 2003
Bible Story
It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with the fire dept. over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
[Found over at Cynical Cyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 10, 2003
The Meteorologist
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 09, 2003
Gratitude
In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 08, 2003
Fortune of the Day
Spelling is a lossed art.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 07, 2003
Big Shot Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 06, 2003
Do You Know Me?
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 05, 2003
Rabbi vs Priest
From Aussie Courier. Please take this as humour - I am not making a political or religious statement, I just thought this was funny:
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Arch Bishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal," said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..."
Then the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!?! Do you want me to become the Messiah Himself!?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
June 04, 2003
The Limo
Another joke from Ben:
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh,wonderful. Now I'm really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"Well, He's got the Pope driving for Him!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 03, 2003
Are you being served?
Theepan sent me a scanned newspaper article supposed to be from the New York Times (unlikely given the poor grammar, poor wording, poor capitalization). I have typed it in (speling errors are all mine). Please note that the airline in question is now defunct and can no longer defend itself.....
Don't fly me
It has been reported that an employee for Ansett Australia (Airlines), who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using the company's 'Free Flight' offer for staff. However, when Mr Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a fare paying passenger.
So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr Gay, another Ansett flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this flight were being re-routed to various other airplanes. A few were put on My Gar's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane, as is the practice, to remove them in favor of fare paying passengers. Of course, our Mr Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer: "Are you gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane." Mr Gay, overhearing what the Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation" You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused an angry third passenger t yell "Hell! I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett had no right to remove gays from their flights.
It is reported that Ansett have refused to comment on the incident.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
June 02, 2003
How to Stay Awake in Meetings
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in randomly each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
*! fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
and last but not least
MOVING FORWARD......
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!"
[Thanks Jivha.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 01, 2003
Practical Joke
Every had a practical joke backfire? Who me? No, never. Well I remember the one about the CD's. We had this young, impressionable student on work experience and he wanted to know what a computer CD sounded like (this was eons ago when computer CDs were only on big iron - in this case a Sun 690 Enterprise server). We told him that it depended on the operating system - CDs for a mainframe would be classical, for a PC it would be really lousy rock and of course for Sun servers it would be Jazz. What he didn't know was that one of the early Sun demo CD's had less than the relevant amount of data. So as to not waste space, the Sun Jazz quartet (or something similar) has recorded a few audio tracks on the disk. We "randomly" selected a CD from the media cupboard and popped it in an audio player, sure enough we got Jazz.
Student returns to school and writes up his experience. Teacher contacts us to get more sample CDs so they can add this to the curiculum. Whoops.
If you liked that (true) story, try another one by patrix about a prank pizza call that goes wrong....
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)