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August 31, 2006
Lawyer Ethics
After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind....
.... "Do I tell my partner?"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
Bandwidth Issues
Due to bandwidth issues, I have reduced the number of items on the main page.... (just in case you were wondering what had happened)....
There has also been a cleanup of the sidebar :-)
If this does not solve the bandwidth, I may have to cut the main page back to only 10 jokes (it is currently 15 and it was 25).
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM | Comments (1)
August 30, 2006
Latin Phrases IV
Why Latin? You think you have a better idea? You think you are the reincarnation of the greatest humourist ever known? Nihili est - in vita priore ego imperator romanus fui (that's nothing; in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor)...
Certe, toto, sentio nos in kansate non iam adesse
You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore
Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!
The devil made me do it!
Dic mihi solum facta, domina
Just the facts, ma'am
Fac ut gaudeam
Make my day
Farrago fatigans!
Thuffering thuccotash!
Illius me paenitet, dux
Sorry about that, chief
In dentibus anticis frustrum magnum spiniciae habes
You have a big piece of spinach in your front teeth
Me transmitte sursum, caledoni
Beam me up, Scotty
Osculare pultem meam!
Kiss my grits!
Quid agis, medice?
What's up, Doc?
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn
Si fallatis officium, quaestor infitias eat se quicquam scire de factis vestris
If you fail, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your activities
Te capiam, cunicule sceleste!
I'll get you, you wascally wabbit!
Tuis pugis pignore!
You bet your bippy!
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 29, 2006
Heir-do
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured spikey hairdo sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 28, 2006
Latin Phrases III
For those who object to useful Latin phrases, what can I say but: Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare (well, if you don't understand plain Latin, I'm not going to dirty my hands on you).
Balaenae nobis conservandae sunt!
Save the whales!
Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream
Conlige suspectos semper habitos
Round up the usual suspects
Coruscantes disci per convexa caeli volantes
Flying saucers
Credidi me felem vidisse!
I tought I taw a puddy tat!
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
Cum homine de cane debeo congredi
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog
Ducator meus nihil agit sine lagunculae leynidae accedunt
My calculator does not work without batteries
Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima?
Do you by chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Fortunatus sum! Pila mea de gramine horrido modo in pratum lene recta volvit!
Isn't that lucky! My ball just rolled out of the rough and onto the fairway!
Heu! Tintinnuntius meus sonat!
Darn! There goes my beeper!
Illiud latine dici non potest
You can't say that in Latin
Nemo hic adest illius nominis
There is no one here by that name
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 27, 2006
Employee Fitness Programs
Jack had just started with a new boss. He enjoyed everything about his new job except the fact that there was no corporate fitness program. His old work had included corporate gym sponsorship, showers, time-off for exercise, etc.
He started a workplace campaign to start a similar program with his new employer. The campaign was cut short by a memo from senior management:
To: All Staff. From: Senior Management Re: Employee Fitness ProgramThere will be no corporate fitness program as all staff that work here already get plenty of exercise:
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 26, 2006
Latin Phrases II
Seeing as there were no complaints, lets have some more useful Latin phrases. Starting with the phrase that could be useful for any girlfriend of Tom Cruise: Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione (I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult).
A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi
Between a rock and a hard place (actually between a precipice and the wolves)
Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora
A bird in the hand... (actually, an egg today is better than a chicken tomorrow)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris amplioris
Face it, you're stuck in a dead end job
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam
I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head
Cave canem, te necet lingendo
Beware of the dog, he may lick you to death
Draco dormiens numquam titillandus.
Never tickle a sleeping dragon.
Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?
Tempus fugit utrum ludus necne.
Time flies whether you're having fun or not.
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 25, 2006
Right sizing
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 24, 2006
Latin Phrases I
Ages ago, I posted a limerick with a Latin punchline:
A nervous young lawyer named Rex,
Was sadly deficient in sex.
When arraigned for exposure,
He said with composure:
"De minimis non curat lex."
and asked for translations. Nobody came forward but I did get an email asking me for the answer. Well a quick google provides: "The law does not concern itself with trifles."
Anyway, I figured it was time to consolidate the Latin already raised on the blog and add some more useful phrases to your vocab. After all, one day you could find yourself in ancient rome standing in a line at McDonalds and then starving because you couldn't remember to say "Da mihi sis bubulae frustrum assae, solana tuberosa in modo gallico fricta, ac quassum lactatum coagulatum crassum" (Give me a hamburger, french fries, and a thick shake).
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
I think we're on the same wavelength.
Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum
How to get the full attention of a male
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
En Loco Parentis
Me father's a train driver (Actually - in place of a parent)
Mortis portalis tackulatum
Dead as a doornail
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't delete my hard disk!
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Nullus Anxietas
No worries
Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Sodomy non sapiens
Buggered if I know
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 23, 2006
Academic Incentive
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. After one particularly disappointing test result, his father had a long and pointed discussion with him.
The next day, he approached the teacher to discuss the problem. He startled her with the pronouncement: "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 22, 2006
Motherly Advice
Dearest Daughter,
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Regards,
Your Mum.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 21, 2006
Murphy's laws for frequent flyers
- If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
- If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
- Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
- Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
- If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
- The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
- The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
- If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
- The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. (this law in particular is surely due for amendment soon!)
[Found at SMH...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 20, 2006
Brown Paper Gang
So the cowboy goes into a bar in Dodge City and orders a drink. Bartender says, "Haven't seen you afore. You must be new in town."
Cowboy admits that is so, and the bartender says, "You might want to just keep on goin', 'cause the Brown Paper Gang is hanging around these parts."
"Brown Paper Gang?" queries the cowboy. "Why do they call them that?"
"Well, see," says the barkeep, "they got brown paper hats, brown paper saddles, and brown paper chaps. The sheriff and two or three posses are out lookin' for 'em right now."
"What is this Brown Paper Gang wanted for?" asks the cowpuncher.
"Rustling," says the bartender.
Found at Old Horsetail Snake...
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 19, 2006
Getting old...
You know you are getting old when...
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your children are looking middle-aged.
- Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You sink your teeth into a steak -- and they stay there.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Found at Old Horsetail Snake...
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 18, 2006
Opening Prayers...
The priest was about to begin the opening prayer with "The Lord be with you", but he tested the microphone and it wasn't working.
He said "There's something wrong with this microphone."
And the congregation, who couldn't hear him but knew their usual response, replied, "And also with you."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 17, 2006
Kidnapped
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six.
I offered to call home for Rick. When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."
Found at Read My Lips...
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 16, 2006
Terrorists...
Q: What is the difference between someone on the worship committee and a terrorist?
A: You *can* negotiate with a terrorist....
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 15, 2006
Corinthians III
Corinthians III is the shortest of Paul's letters:
My Dear Corinthians. I, Paul, apostle of Gods will, have already written to you twice, about important business and now I have to write to you once more... STOP IT! Yours in Christ, Paul
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 14, 2006
Drinking
A cowgirl from Texarkana walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells her, "You know, a mug starts to go flat as soon as I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters -- one in Australia and one in Dublin. When we all left our home in Oklahoma we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters, and one for myself."
The bartender admits this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs of beer, and sips from each one in its turn. But one day she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars notice, and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks puzzled for a moment. Then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's fine," she explains. "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking."
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 13, 2006
Brain Surgery
There was once an Englishman, a well educated gentleman with nothing to do in life except enjoy it. Often in the morning he would stroll around town before retiring to his club for lunch. Now it turned out that he fell ill and he went to see the doctor. After a series of tests and scans, the doctor informed him sadly that there was a massive tumour in his brain. Due to the location it was unlikely that he would have much pain and he should therefore not worry about it over the remaining three months of his life.
After a few moments of contemplating this (with a stiff upper lip), the gentleman asked if surgery was an option. The doctor was somewhat shocked but admitted that there was a possibility that this would result in giving him another twenty to thirty years of life but it was certain that there would be significaant complications.
Not being one to quail in the face of adversity, the gentleman inquired about the specifics of the side effects.
Well, the doctor explained that effectively one third of the brain would need to be removed. This would mean that the patient was no longer a fully functioning Englishman. In fact, he would be no different than an American - unable to spell or speak properly.
This came as a shock to our gentleman and it left him with an enourmous question - was it better to be a dead Englishman or a live American? The question was so difficult that he decided to take a week to think about it. One week slipped into two and then three and four before he returned to the doctor and asked for the surgery.
The doctor warned him that the delay may have made things worse but having put his hand to the plough, the gentleman refused to turn back.
The operation was scheduled for the next day and sure enough, the tumour had grown significantly. In order to excise the tumour the doctor was forced to remove two thirds of the brain rather than the proposed one third. He was quite concerned about this and made sure he was waiting by the patient's bedside as he came out from the anesthetic.
As the patient came around, the doctor propped him up on a pillow and began to explain the difficulties and complexities. The patient listened patiently but calmly. Thinking that he had failed to explain the ramifications - that the patient would have les sthan half the intelligence of even an American - the doctor started again but the patient held up his hand and said (in Aussie accent): No worries mate, she'll be right.
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 12, 2006
Larry LaPrise
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 11, 2006
Holy Water?
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Put it on the stove and boil the hell out of it.
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 10, 2006
Father-in-law
Jock decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" ...
... because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 09, 2006
Contact from beyond...
[From Read My Lips....]
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just WHERE do you think he's calling from?"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 08, 2006
Dominicans vs Jesuits
A young man is thinking of becoming a Catholic priest, so he goes to talk to his pastor about the different religious orders. "What can you tell me about the Dominicans?" he asks.
"Oh, they were formed in the Thirteenth Century to combat the Albigensian heresy," the priest replies.
"And the Jesuits?"
"They formed in the Sixteenth Century in response to the Protestant Reformation."
The young man looks puzzled. "So what's the big difference between them?"
"When was the last time you met an Albigensian?"
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 07, 2006
Las Vegas
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos (in Vegas).
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday Services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Benedictine monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks....
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 06, 2006
Hot Dogs
Do you know what the Buddhist monk said to the hot dog vendor?
::drum roll::
He said "Make me one with everything."
But it gets better.
After the vendor gave the monk the hot dog, the monk handed him a twenty. When the vendor pocketed the money, the monk asked for his change.
The vendor replied, "Change? Don't you realize that change must come from within?"
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 05, 2006
Sister Mary Titus...
Sister Mary Titus, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 04, 2006
Speed Limits
A group of nuns were driving down a highway. People were passing them left and right, honking horns and making rude gestures at them. Eventually a police car shows up, lights flashing and the nuns pull over for him.
The policeman walks up to the car and asks the nun who was driving for her information. He said to her "You know the minnimum spped on this road is 45." the nun was taken aback for a second and said, "Well, the sign back there said 30". The policeman turned around, saw the sign and said, "ma'am that's the route you are on." The nun had a good laugh for a second and as she was laughing the policeman noticed that the other nuns seemed to be frightened or shaken. "Is everyone else ok? They look pretty shaken up" the policeman asked.
"Oh, they'll be fine" said the nun. "We just came off of route 120, that's all"
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 03, 2006
Hymns for Post-Modern Christians
Top 10 List:
10. I Surrender Some
9. O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
8. Onward, Christian Reservists
7. Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus!
6. There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
5. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
4. Take My Life and Let Me Be
3. Milling! Milling! Milling Around in the Light of God
2. There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
1. Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 02, 2006
Caught sleeping?
TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY IF YOU'RE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who do Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot!”
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
"...in Jesus Name, Amen."
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
August 01, 2006
Rabbit vs Dentist
So, this rabbit goes to the dentist to have his teeth cleaned and the dentist tells him he needs to do an extraction.
"I'm going to need to give you some anesthetic," the dentist says.
"I don't need any!" says the rabbit.
"Well, gee," says the dentist, thinking that it'll really hurt otherwise, "why not?"
"Cuz I'm the Ether Bunny!!"
[Found at Rosary Army...]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM