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April 30, 2003
Microsoft vs Psychic Friends
In the course of a recent Microsoft Access programming project, we had three difficult technical problems where we decided to call a support hotline for advice. This article compares the two support numbers we tried: Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network. As a result of this research, we have come to the following conclusions:
1. That Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network are about equal in their ability to provide technical assistance for Microsoft products over the phone;
2. That the Psychic Friends Network has a distinct edge over Microsoft in the areas of courtesy, response time, and cost of support; but
3. That Microsoft has a generally better refund policy if they fail to solve your problem.
In the paragraphs that follow, we will detail the support calls we made and the responses we received from each support provider. We will follow this with a discussion of the features provided by each support provider so that readers can do their own rankings of the two services.
Our research began when we called Microsoft regarding a bug that we had detected when executing queries which pulled data from a Sybase Server into Microsoft Access. If we used the same Access database to query two databases on the same server, we found that all of the queries aimed at the second database that we queried were sent to the first database that we had queried. This problem existed no matter which database we queried first.
Dan called Microsoft's Technical Solutions Line, gave them $55, and was connected with an official Microsoft Access technical support person. As Dan began to explain the problem, the support person interrupted him, and told him that since it was clear that it was not just a problem with Access but with the two programs together, Microsoft would not try to help us.
They did,however, have a consultant referral service with which he would be glad to connect us. Dan then asked if we could have our $55 refunded, since Microsoft was not going to try to answer to our question. The tech support person responded by forwarding Dan to the person in charge of giving refunds.
The person officially in charge of giving refunds took Dan's credit card info again, after which Dan asked about the referral service.
It was too late, however -- the refund folks could not reconnect Dan with the tech support guy he'd been talking with, nor could he put Dan in touch with the referral service hotline. End of Call One.
Our second call came when Dan was creating some line graphs in Microsoft Access. Microsoft Access actually uses a program called Microsoft Graph to create its graphs, and this program has a "feature" that makes the automatic axis scale always start the scale at zero. If all of your data are between 9,800 and 10,000 and you get a scale of 0 to 10,000, your data will appear as a flat line at the top of your graph -- not a very interesting chart.
Since Dan was writing Visual Basic code to create the graphs, he wanted to be able to use Visual Basic code to change the graph scaling, but he could not find anything in the help files that would tell him how to do this. After working with Microsoft Graph for a while, Dan concluded that it probably didn't have the capability that he needed, but he decided to call Microsoft just to make sure.
Dan described his problem to the technical support person, whom we'll call Microsoft Bob. Microsoft Bob said he'd never gotten a call about Microsoft Graph before. He then left Dan on hold while he went to ask another support person how to use Microsoft Graph.
Microsoft Bob came back with the suggestion that Dan use the online help.
Dan, however, had already used the online help, and didn't feel that this was an appropriate answer for a $55 support call.
Microsoft Bob didn't give up, though. He consulted the help files and learned to change the graph scale by hand and then began looking for a way to do this via code.
After Microsoft Bob had spent about an hour on the phone with Dan learning how to use Microsoft Graph, Dan asked for a refund since he had no more time to spend on the problem.
Microsoft Bob refused the refund, however. He said he wouldn't give up, and told Dan that he would call back the next week.
Microsoft Bob did call back the following week to admit failure. He could not help us. However, he couldn't give us a refund either. Microsoft Bob's supervisor confirmed Microsoft Bob's position. While Microsoft Technical Support hadn't solved our problem, they felt that a refund was inappropriate since Microsoft Technical Support had spent a lot of time not solving our problem.
Dan persisted, however, explaining that if Microsoft Bob actually knew the program, he would have been able to give Dan a response much sooner.
The supervisor made no guarantees, but he instructed Dan to check his credit card bill at the end of the month. The supervisor explained that if Dan saw that the charge was still there at the end of the month,then he would know that he hadn't gotten a refund. End of Call Two.
Our third call to Microsoft involved using the standard file save dialog from within Microsoft Access to get a file name and directory string from a user in order to save an exported file. The documentation didn't make it clear how to do this using Visual Basic code within Microsoft Access, and Dan decided to call Microsoft to ask if and how a programmer could do this.
The technical support person he reached told him he was asking about a pretty heavy programming task. He cheerily informed Dan that he'd called the wrong number and advised Dan to call help for Visual Basic, not Access ($195 instead of $55). This technical support person was extraordinarily helpful in getting Dan his refund. End of Call Three.
Stymied by our responses from Microsoft, we decided to try another service provider, the Psychic Friends Network.
There are several noticeable differences between Microsoft and the Psychic Friends Network. Microsoft charges a flat rate per "solution," which is a single problem and can be handled in multiple phone calls. As described above, Microsoft may or may not issue a refund of their fee if they fail to provide a solution for your problem.
The Psychic Friends Network charges a per minute fee. They do not offer a refund if they cannot solve your problem. However, unlike Microsoft, they will not charge you extra if they provide more than one solution per call.
We decided to test the Psychic Friends Network by asking them the same questions that we had asked Microsoft Technical Support.
We called them and were quickly connected with Ray, who was very courteous and helpful. Like Microsoft Bob, Ray quickly informed us that he wasn't fully up to date on the programs that we were working with, but he was willing to help us anyway.
We started off with our first problem: making a connection from Microsoft Access to two different Sybase Servers. Ray worked hard on this problem for us. He sensed that there was a problem with something connecting, that something wasn't being fulfilled either in a sexual, spiritual or emotional way. Ray also identified that there was some sort of physical failure going on that was causing the problem."
Do you mean that there's some sort of bug?" we asked.
Ray denied that he knew about any sort of bug in the software.
"Are you sure there's not a bug?" we asked.
Ray insisted that he did not know of any bug in the software, although he left open the possibility that there could be some bug in the software that he did not know about.
All in all, Ray did not do much to distinguish himself from Microsoft Technical Support. He wasn't able to solve our problem for us, and he wasn't able to confirm or deny that a bug in Microsoft Access was causing the problem.
We then asked Ray our question about using Visual Basic to set the axes of a chart. Ray thought hard about this one. Once again he had the sense that something just wasn't connecting, that there was some sort of physical failure that was causing our problem.
"Could it be that it's your computer that's the problem?" he asked.
"Is this something that happens just on your computer, or have you had the same problem when you've tried to do the same thing on other computers?"
We assured Ray that we had the same problem on other computers, then he asked again, "This physical failure that you're talking about, do you mean that there's some sort of bug?"
Once again he assured us that there wasn't a bug, but that he didn't know how to solve our problem. "I sense there's some sort of sickness here, and you're just going to have to sweat it out. If you'd like, you can call back tomorrow. We have a couple of guys here, Steve and Paul, and they 're much better with computer stuff than I am."
To conclude our research, we asked Ray about our problem with the standard file dialog box.
"It's the same thing as the last one," he told us. "There's some sort of sickness here, and you're just going to have to sweat it out. There is a solution,though,and you're just going to have to work at it until you get it."
Conclusions:
In terms of technical expertise, we found that a Microsoft technician using Knowledge Base was about as helpful as a Psychic Friends reader using Tarot Cards. All in all, however, the Psychic Friends Network proved to be a much friendlier organization than Microsoft Technical Support.
While neither group was actually able to answer any of our technical questions, the Psychic Friends Network was much faster than Microsoft and much more courteous.
Which organization is more affordable is open to question. If Microsoft does refund all three "solutions" fees, then they will be the far more affordable solution provider, having charged us no money for having given us no assistance. However, if Microsoft does not refund the fees for our call regarding Microsoft Graph, then they will have charged us more than 120% of what the Psychic Friends charged, but without providing the same fast and courteous service that Psychic Friends provided.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 29, 2003
The Colour of God
Eventually, the black American had a heart attack but was revived in the ambulance. As a result he had a near-death experience and his best friend couldn't wait to discuss it with him.
"Well", said the white American, "did you find out about the colour of God?"
"Yes", his friend responded sadly, "you were right - God is white".
"Wow", said the white American, "did you actually see God?"
"No. I found myself outside this wall and there were the sounds of a garden on the other side of the wall. I heard footsteps and so I called out asking who was there. A deep majestic voice replied 'I AM WHO I AM'. Then they revived me."
The white American was confused: "But you didn't actually see God, why did you decide he was white?"
"Because, if he had been black he would have said: 'AH IS WHO AH IS!'"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 28, 2003
Movie Facts
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion
or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (5)
April 27, 2003
St. Patricks Day
One fine St. Patricks Day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)
April 26, 2003
Guess Who
Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.
One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!" He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.
"What's wrong?" his friend asks.
"I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."
His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them." He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend, "Small world..."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 25, 2003
Don't Say It!
Things we all would like to say at work, but can't.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (7)
April 24, 2003
I Don't Know
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 23, 2003
Forgetfulness
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 22, 2003
Smuggling
A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 21, 2003
The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 20, 2003
Smart Thinking
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 19, 2003
Pawn Ticket
The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend, but she really went with her long time wealthy lover, who gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat.
She couldn't bring it home so she figured a way. She pawned the mink coat. She came home and told her husband she had found a pawn ticket, which was really the pawn ticket to her mink coat; and she asked her husband to find out what had been pawned.
Her husband returned and told his wife it was a cheap watch. The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 18, 2003
The Setup
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, but I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.
But, she didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."
I thought, well...that's a wife for you. I guess, the children will remember. Then, the children came into breakfast, but, they didn't say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, happy birthday." And I felt a little better, someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
So, we went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Janet said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom, and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
Janet went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of my friends. All were singing "Happy Birthday"
.. and there I sat on the couch ... naked.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 17, 2003
Walking Economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 16, 2003
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
[From SilverBlue.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 15, 2003
Lesson Learned
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, This bull mated 50 times last year.
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should make a full recovery.
[From UtterlyBoring.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 14, 2003
Fortune of the Day
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 13, 2003
Perfect Service
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 12, 2003
Free Drinks
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 11, 2003
One Way?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 10, 2003
Surface to Air?
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.
In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.
Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.
His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.
He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."
"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
April 09, 2003
Holiday Time
Larry goes to see his travel agent.
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes, but I need to ask for something different."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes."
"Well! It might be cheaper if I take her with me this time."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 08, 2003
Work Rules
Management have decided to clarify a number of points that have been concerning employees:
Appearance:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. In fact there are so many of them that we may require you to give some back voluntarily.
Vacation Days:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day.
Management
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
April 07, 2003
Golfing Error
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"�
"Yes," the golfer responded.�
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"�
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.�
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"�
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...�
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 06, 2003
The Truth About Dad
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 05, 2003
Big Mistake
The conversation that went wrong:
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (hurtful look on her face)"
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --silence
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 04, 2003
Drinking...
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 03, 2003
Social Workers
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 02, 2003
Advice for Men
[Via email from Theepan who is single (and likely to remain that way with this set of jokes)]
Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing in
life!!
--Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wild
I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
-- U2
Marriage is a three ring circus:
- engagement ring
- wedding ring
- suffering
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street he yelled, "No, jump in!"
BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married.
He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 01, 2003
Programming Languages
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours."
The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM