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April 08, 2003

Work Rules

Management have decided to clarify a number of points that have been concerning employees:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. In fact there are so many of them that we may require you to give some back voluntarily.

Vacation Days:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

Posted by Peskie at April 8, 2003 12:00 PM


Is this the line for free government cheese?

Posted by: Mr Mouse at April 12, 2004 07:04 AM

Free cheese? Nope. Free links? Yup. Glad to meet a new fellow munuvian.

Posted by: Ozguru at April 12, 2004 07:04 AM