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April 30, 2006
How Fast?
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 29, 2006
Harvard vs MIT
A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart, looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS--EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS" sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard, where they don't know how to count, or MIT, where they don't know how to read?"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 28, 2006
Train Travel in the USSR
It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when, at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped. Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot. He came back into the compartment and sat back down. "That should take care of it."
Two more hours passed; the train has not moved. Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train, and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down. "That should take care of it."
Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines; the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.
Nothing more happened for about an hour. Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.
"Now. Train is moving."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 27, 2006
Salesmen
A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
C : I guess so. I'll take one.
SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer ?
C : Um, okay.
SM: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
C : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
MAN: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
SA : Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
MAN: Why would I want to do that?
SA : Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 26, 2006
Beer, Beer, Glorious Beer
[Found at skipjack DOT info...]
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 25, 2006
Adolf and the fortune teller
Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he would live.
After careful charting, she said, "I can't predict the exact date of your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 24, 2006
Saving
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Mercedes?" she asked eagerly.
"No," replied the husband, "a 1979 Mercedes."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 23, 2006
Sons
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 22, 2006
Old Age
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 21, 2006
Pearls of Wisdom.
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 20, 2006
How often do you attend church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 19, 2006
Old Age
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
When you are older, you just dream about being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)
April 18, 2006
Easter Eggs (Again)
A farm boy goes to an Easter egg hunt.
When he arrives home with his trove of decorated eggs he decides to play a joke on his folks. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces all the eggs under the hens with his colored eggs.
A few minutes later the rooster walks into the coop, takes one look at the eggs, and goes out and beats the tar our of the peacock....
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
April 17, 2006
Time and Money
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...
[Yes, I am a year older today but unfortunately no wiser or wealthier....]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (7)
April 16, 2006
What is Easter?
Three idiots just died and are at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder..... Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 15, 2006
Easter Eggs
Q: Why can't you tell funny stories to Easter eggs?
A: You might crack them up.
Q: Why can't Easter Eggs tell you funny stories?
A: They don't have any yolks [jokes].
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 14, 2006
Science vs Religion
SCIENTIST: "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing, in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
GOD: "Oh, is that so? Tell Me...".
SCIENTIST: "Well, we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."
GOD: "Well, that's very interesting... show Me."
SCIENTIST: [The scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.]
GOD: "No, no, no..Get your OWN dirt.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
Good Friday
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
April 13, 2006
Mother-in-laws
[Found at Read My Lips...]
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 12, 2006
Eloquence
A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
April 11, 2006
Hawaii
[Found at Bloggin' Outloud...]
Speaking of Hawaii. I asked a hula dancer if their state was pronounced Hawai'i or Havai'i.
She said "Havai'i."
I said "Oh, how long have your lived here?"
She said "Two veeks!"
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 10, 2006
Who makes the coffee?
[Found at Old Horsetail Snake...]
A newlywed couple is in bed early in the morning, and both want coffee. The bridegroom says, "I guess you'll have to make it. The woman does the cooking." And she says, "No, in the Bible it says the man has to make the coffee."
He says, "No way."
She says: "Way. Look it up. The Bible says Hebrews."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 09, 2006
Lawyers
[Found at Read My Lips...]
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see BETTY," the man replied.
"Sir, BETTY is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see BETTY," was the man's reply.
Just then, BETTY appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see BETTY explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to BETTY and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid BETTY and they went upstairs. After their session, BETTY questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Dakota "
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Dakota "
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
- Death
- Taxes
- Being screwed by a lawyer
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 08, 2006
Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
April 07, 2006
Divorce
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because 'he' can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 06, 2006
Deductions
[Found at Apple Matters...]
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, on a camping trip, awoke in the middle of the night to a stiff, cold breeze. Holmes, as was his custom, asked Dr. Watson what he could tell them about their current situation. Watson replied:
“From the constellations I can tell that we are in the northern hemisphere. And, I dare say Holmes, that we are fairly far north. I would say somewhat above 65 degrees latitude, since I can plainly see the Aurora Borealis. The wind, while cold enough to wake us, is not as cold as it would be if we were anywhere but Scotland which is warmed by the Gulf Stream. The intensity of the colors convinces me that we must be early in the cycle of sunspots placing the year at 1902 or 1903. I can also smell the remnants of a fire and see a tendril of smoke flowing into the breeze. Thus, we have been asleep long enough for the fire to burn out, but no long enough for it to stop smoldering. Birch is the predominate wood here and it burns quickly, we’ve been asleep for more than hour but less than two. That, Holmes, is what I can deduce!”
As if on cue, Holmes replied with a laugh and several shouts of, “Capital.” Watson, flummoxed by Holmes condescending attitude broke down and asked:
“Pray tell then, Holmes, what is it that you can deduce from the situation?”
Holmes replied, “I deduce, my dear Watson, that someone stole our #$!@ing tent!”
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
Latest Mac Development
Story and image were found at The Unofficial Apple Weblog:
Blue Screen of Death on an iMac
Well, that didn't take long. It seems that Windows' crash-tastic tendencies aren't limited to PCs. Check out this post by Deal Catcher forum user dbaxter. He writes that after installing Boot Camp, things were going swimmingly...for thirty minutes. While browsing USB devices, Windows did what Windows does best. Nothing.
Since this is the first we've seen the BSOD as generated by Windows on an Mactel following a Boot Camp install, it would seem that dbaxter has produced the 1st "official" BSOD on an Mac. What an honor.
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
April 05, 2006
Kiwi vs Aussie
Yesterday, I received a technical question: How can you tell if a young lady is from New Zealand or Australia. The questioner did not want to accidentally offend the young lady in question (and getting that wrong: kiwi vs Aussie) would be offensive!
The traditional answer is to ask someone to count to 10 - the Kiwi gets distracted* about half way through.
A more polite answer would be to ask them to read a short prayer by Fr. John McGrath MSC:
A Child's Night Prayer
Jesus tender Shepherd hear me.
Bless thy little child tonight.
Thru the darkness be Thou near me,
Keep me safe till morning light.
All this day Thy hand hast led me
And I thank Thee for Thy care.
Thou hast warmed, clothed and fed me;
Listen to my evening prayer;
Let my sins be all forgiven;
Bless the friends I love so well;
Take me when I die to Heaven -
Happy there with Thee to dwell.
This poem rhymes correctly** when read by a Kiwi, it does not when read by an Aussie. Show it to your young lady and listen carefully....
[* Kiwis say 'sex' instead of 'six']
[** A kiwi will read "hiven" instead of "heaven" which rhymes with "forgiven"]
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 04, 2006
Speeding
[Found at Read My Lips...]
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, here is the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claim that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 03, 2006
Cellblock Humour
[Found at Old Horsetail Snake: Just a Giggle and a Chuckle Will Be Fine...]
The new guy in the cellblock is feeling pretty lousy. Then he hears somebody yell out, "41!" And everybody else in the block laughs uproariously. Somebody else says "28!" More laughs.
New guys asks his cellmate, "What's going on?" Cellmate says, "We don't hear any new jokes in here, so we just tell the same ones over and over. Every joke has a number, so we don't have to listen to the same tired old words."
So new guy thinks this is pretty neat. He calls out a number at random: "14!" Nobody laughs. He says, "39!" Not a peep.
The cellmate takes him aside and says, "Look, kid. It's not so much the joke. It's the way you tell it that makes it funny."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 02, 2006
Real Beer
[Found at holtieshouse...]
The presidents of Australia’s four major breweries, Tooheys (NSW), XXXX(Queensland), Carlton (Victoria) and Cascade (Tasmania???) were at an international beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The president of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The President of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"
The Carlton president proudly says "I'll have a Carlton, the King of Beers!"
The bloke from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Pepsi."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking [real] beer, then neither will I."
They say there are only two states to be in, Pissed and Queensland.
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM
April 01, 2006
History Repeats
[Found at Old Horsetail Snake...]
An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over to the wife: "Do you remember the first time we made love together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very restaurant where you leaned against the back fence. I think we should do it again, for old time's sake."
"Oh, Charlie, you devil," she says. "Let's do it."
A police officer is sitting in the next booth and overhears this plan. He decides he better go out and keep an eye on them for their safety.
Outside, the old lady leans against the fence, and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious action the cop has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes before they collapse to the ground.
Finally they struggle to their feet, and meet the cop on their way back to the restaurant. The cop says, "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some secret to all this activity?"
Charlie says, "Yes. Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Posted by Ozguru at 12:00 PM