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December 31, 2004
Nailbiting
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.
"I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.
"If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?"
"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.
They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.
The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.
The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?"
And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 30, 2004
A variation on an old favourite
This should have appeared before Christmas but with all the other things going on I fell behind in my reading (as some of you would know from the comment catchup yesterday...
Anyway, without further ado, this is from the excellent Ramblings of Silver Blue:
Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is losing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty-dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten-dollar bill.
Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it. Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten-dollar bill and a twenty.
'Of course,' answers Tommy.
'So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?' asks dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, 'Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?'"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 29, 2004
Talking it up
The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half.
That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.
To their relief, the preacher had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures."
Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday, well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 28, 2004
Teachers VS Managers
Those who can, do!
Those who can't, teach!
Those who can't teach, teach others to teach!
Those who can't teach others to teach, become managers.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 27, 2004
He was so blond
- he thought a quarterback was a refund
- he thought General Motors was in the army
- he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
- at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", he wrote
Sagittarius
- he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
- he sent a fax with a stamp on it
- he thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
- he tripped over a cordless phone
- he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it
said "concentrate"
- he told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
- he asked for a price check at the Everything For A Dollar Store
- he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- he studied for a blood test
- he sold his car for gas money
- when he went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left," he turned around and went home
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, he
moved
- he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
- he gave his girlfriend a shirt that said TGIF, which he thought stood for 'Tit's Go In Front.'
[Stolen from CynicalCyn.]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 26, 2004
Want a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 25, 2004
10 Signs you won't get a christmas bonus
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You use Windows XP for work
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 24, 2004
Advice Needed
I have been asked an important question: What time does Santa visit?
The standard response ("after you go to sleep") was not accepted.
More specific details are required. Is there a timetable involved? Does he do the houses in the same order as the mailman (one side of the street and then the other) or the garbageman (alternating left and right down the street)?
Oh and telling him the truth is not a winner - he just thinks we don't know about Santa.
Any advice appreciated.
Posted by Peskie at 10:00 PM | Comments (4)
Christmas Eating Guide
With last minute functions just around the corner - especially the traditional Christmas Eve working lunch - there is some really good advice over at Ramblings of Silver Blue:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. I think Roxette Bunny™ inserted this one, but I can't be for sure!!!!2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
...
Go and check the post for more useful suggestions...
Posted by Peskie at 08:00 PM
The night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Posted by Peskie at 06:00 PM | Comments (1)
Political Correctness Gone Mad
[Another very funny Christmas post from Ramblings of Silver Blue, go and check out the whole site...]
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to singalong. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to ccommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, 'AA Only,' you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -no gifts will be allowed since the Union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of 'Santa' does happen to be 'Satan,'
there is no evil connotation to our own 'little man in a red suit.'
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces Director
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the 'grill of death,' as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch in Charge of the Party
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
Posted by Peskie at 04:00 PM
8 Signs Santa hates your child
8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Posted by Peskie at 02:00 PM
If Companies Ran Christmas
Found over at the very funny Ramblings of Silver Blue:
If IBM ran Christmas...
- They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing.
- Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
- Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
- You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway.
- Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel counter top tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together.
- It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them.
- Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
- It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
- Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
- Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
- 'Baby's First Ornament' would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
- The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
- Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were.
- Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole.
- Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents.
- X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
- Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If IRS ran Christmas...
- We would have no tree.
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
- They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
- Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device that allowed you to play a game to shoot down virtual dragon ornaments.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
- Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
- The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
- You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
- The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
- The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
- Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
If Wal-Mart ran Christmas...
- They would immediately change the name to Wal-Mas.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
The 12 Days of Technology Before Christmas
Another magic find from the carol search....
The 12 Days of Technology Before Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
- Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
- Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much overt trivial things?)
- Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)
On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
- Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
- Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
- Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)
On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Six games a-playing (on the production network, of course!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
- Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
- Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...)
- Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?)
On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
- Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
- Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
- Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...)
- Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!)
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
- Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
- Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
- Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!)
- Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
- Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)
On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
- Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
- Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
- Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.)
- Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
- Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)
On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
- Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
- Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
- Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus! )
- Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
- Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...)
- Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
- Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
- Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
- Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
- Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
- Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!)
- Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
- Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
- Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
- Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
- Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
- Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas lights.)
- Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
- Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
- Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
- Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you!)
- Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
- Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)
Posted by Peskie at 10:00 AM | Comments (1)
The 12 Bugs of Christmas
[I found this gem while digging for carol lyrics...]
When the first bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- see if it happens again.
When the second bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the third bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the fourth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the fifth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the sixth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the seventh bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- say they need an upgrade,
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the eighth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- find a way around it,
- say they need an upgrade,
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the ninth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- blame it on the hardware,
- find a way around it,
- say they need an upgrade,
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the tenth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- change the documentation,
- blame it on the hardware,
- find a way around it,
- say they need an upgrade,
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the eleventh bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- say its not supported,
- change the documentation,
- blame it on the hardware,
- find a way around it,
- say they need an upgrade,
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
When the twelfth bug appeared,
my manager said to me:
- tell them its a feature,
- say its not supported,
- change the documentation,
- blame it on the hardware,
- find a way around it,
- say they need an upgrade,
- reinstall the software,
- ask for a dump,
- use a debugger,
- try to reproduce it,
- ask them how they did it,
- see if it happens again.
Posted by Peskie at 08:00 AM
Naughty / Nice - Doesn't Matter ...
At least if you are English. It looks like the Blair government is doing the maximum amount possible to stamp out any possibility of Santa bring a little ray of sunshine to British kids. On the other hand, given that I have seen 'Yes Minister', it could all be a plot by the mandarins in the public service :-)
Santa is in serious trouble with Customs and Excise, Immigration, Livestock Protection and Occupational Health and Safety. This has come on top of earlier problems with Ladders, Civil Aviation and Transport.
Posted by Peskie at 06:00 AM
Christmas Shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Posted by Peskie at 04:00 AM | Comments (2)
It's all YOUR fault!
Posted by Peskie at 02:00 AM
FAA Inspections
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 AM
December 23, 2004
Self-Insured
I always wondered what self-insured *really* meant. Now, thanks to Farting through my Fingertips, I know...
Insurance is expensive�
Oh, what a delightful squirming weasel word we see today. ...
In a statement on Wednesday, the bank said: "The theft is covered by self-insurance, and as such, National Australia Bank, which currently owns Northern Bank, will bear the impact of any losses arising from the theft."""Self-insured"? "Self-insured"? Didn't that used to be "Uninsured" in the olden days? My, it's such a pleasure to see how far we've come. Mere meaning bows before the power of the weasel. Let's try rewriting that specious tosh in a style intended to convey meaning, shall we?
"In a statement on Wednesday, the bank said: "The bank was not insured so the bank's owner, National Australia Bank, will bear the full impact of the theft.""That was hard. So many less words. Terrifying. This year, I might have a go at being self-taxing.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
Check the backside
When you are dismantling an E5500, it may have a couple of A5000 arrays in it which need to be removed. Being smart, you will have realised that opening the front door and removing 11 heavy disks will probably make it easier to shift the A5000.
If you are like me, you will drop the array on your foot when you have to take the weight and then you will realise that there are another 11 disks in the back that you forgot to take out.
Then, purely due to the stress of Christmas, you will do the same thing again with the other array :-(
I guess that makes me a slow learner ;-)
Posted by Ozguru at 06:00 AM
December 22, 2004
Shoe Salesman
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 21, 2004
Office Messages
My employer has an official procedure for recording the messages on your phone and probably has one for email auto-reply as well. You, on the other hand, may be more fortunate and at this time of year, you might find some of these suggestions (from Theepan) useful. In fact the last one could be useful if you can change someone else's email auto-responder :-)
Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again. [The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.]
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
11. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
12. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
13. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
December 20, 2004
Joke for the ladies...
[Found over at Cynical Cyn...]
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve .
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 19, 2004
Girls and Finals
Spotted a funny message in iChat (PC Users: AIM) and followed it up to discover this post: Girls and Finals over at Grrrrr Be Afraid (edited for my audience):
Girls are like finals because:- you get in a lot of trouble if u get caught cheating on one
- when you finish with one, you have to immediately start preparing for the next one
- if u have more than one scheduled at the same time, u have a big problem
For the other reasons, go check out the rest of TL's post.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 18, 2004
Turkey
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have a turkey?"
My husband quickly answered, "Election day."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 17, 2004
Sharing ...
[Found over at Read My Lips...]
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for redistribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, as well as that occasional chat with a professor, she felt that, for years, her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish, desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.
She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. She told him how she studied all of the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have very many college friends because of spending all of her time studying. She also reminded him that she was taking a more difficult curriculum than most.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?"She replied, "Mary is barely getting by."
She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."
Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked really hard!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
December 16, 2004
Cultural Confusion
Here was me thinking that the staff were yelling at me because I wasn't dressed appropriately. I mean I had my dress thongs (American: flip-flops) and a clean singlet - dunno what the fuss was about really....
Confused? Check out Rocket Jones: New Policy here on Rocket Jones:
Over at Sanity's Edge, Paul is sharing a very funny story about his visit to Japan. One thing that intrigues me is the Japanese habit of everyone yelling a greeting as they enter and leave a restaurant. According to Paul, you walk in and the entire staff hollers at you, and you holler back when you leave. Or something like that.
Well apparently, Jonesy - we have to abbreviate names in Aussie and I am not sure he wants to be called Rocky :-) - wants people to holler (Aussie: yell*) in his comments. So if you are one of those people who insist on SHOUTING when you type, head over and leave a LOUD comment :-)
[* Out of interest, I reject 'shout' as a translation for 'holler' because a shout is where you pay for the beer :-) - and a word of warning - failing to return a shout is still a hanging offence...]
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (3)
December 15, 2004
Doctor friends
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 14, 2004
What goes around...
Found over at Cynical Cyn:
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come cover up and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovels loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbor continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the
edge of the well and trotted off!
Lesson:
Life is going to shovel dirt of you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. we can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Conclusion:
The donkey later came back and kicked the heck out of the farmer that tried to bury him. So remember, what goes around, comes around!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 13, 2004
Doting Grandparents
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 12, 2004
Fishing...
[Found at Utterly Boring...]
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.
The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish.
Soon, Kerry, who has answers to everything, but no plan, returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again with none.
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says, "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 11, 2004
Thoughts
What's another word for thesaurus?
What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 10, 2004
Mace
[Found over at Accidental Verbosity...]
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 09, 2004
Proverbs
This may be a repeat, but its still good...
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you..........mess it up.
Better be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but.......................how?
Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a...................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.........................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the...........................pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's......................pollution.
Happy the bride who...................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...................................not much.
Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind.........get out of the way.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 08, 2004
Lost in the desert
[Found over at SilverBlue...]
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what happened?"....
With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... ."Ugh, run , run ! ... it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 07, 2004
Quick Thinker
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 06, 2004
In the Rag Trade
[Found at Read My Lips...]
Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 05, 2004
Area 51
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM
December 04, 2004
Obeying the instructor
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 03, 2004
Help?
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot confirmed that they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
December 02, 2004
Growing Up
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he's a martyr."
"This is my second son, Hammed. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
December 01, 2004
20 things NOT to say to a cop...
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Posted by Peskie at 12:00 PM