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December 24, 2004
If Companies Ran Christmas
Found over at the very funny Ramblings of Silver Blue:
If IBM ran Christmas...
- They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing.
- Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
- Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
- You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway.
- Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel counter top tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together.
- It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them.
- Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
- It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
- Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
- Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
- 'Baby's First Ornament' would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
- The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
- Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were.
- Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole.
- Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents.
- X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
- Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If IRS ran Christmas...
- We would have no tree.
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
- They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
- Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device that allowed you to play a game to shoot down virtual dragon ornaments.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
- Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
- The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
- You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
- The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
- The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
- Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
If Wal-Mart ran Christmas...
- They would immediately change the name to Wal-Mas.
Posted by Peskie at December 24, 2004 12:00 PM
