« Buttered Toast | Main | Very Old Geek Joke »

August 25, 2005

Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product

[An oldie but a goodie....]

Author Unknown
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:->gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking. Also check to make sure the directory /usr/local/nuke_it/bin is in your path, and that the environment variable MCWV_PWR is set to 700 Watts. Then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap . This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Posted by Peskie at August 25, 2005 12:00 PM

Comments

This has some really good lines, such as "nodamngood.tryagain/again\again.com" Broke me up.

Posted by: Old Horsetail Snake at August 28, 2005 09:08 AM

Yeah, I liked it - even though it is pre-Windows98, it still reads like fun. Of course my Unix buddies aren't real impressed about the Unix dig - but that is because the truth hurts sometimes :-)

Posted by: Ozguru [TypeKey Profile Page] at August 29, 2005 08:24 AM

Very good and clever. Written by somebody who really understands being stuck in a Microsoft environment. Did I ever tell you that at one job, I had to sign a doc that said I would not use any soloutions to any problems that were not Microsoft technology? About a month later I had to decide whether to go straight to the office one morning, or stop and get an assault rifle first. I smoked a cigarette and went back home.
Now I'm a year closer to an Engineering degree, and my job is controlling Cisco stuff with Perl on Linux. And nobody had to die :)

Posted by: linc at August 30, 2005 08:12 AM