G'Day Mate MkII

Early Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?"

"I'm a divorce lawyer"

Why be a Lawyer?

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

Speechless

During lunchtime I was working away on the new and improved top10 program which is now able to cover all the blogs in my blogroll (i.e. it looks at their links as well as mine). Any url's which it has not seen before pop up for verification and so I check some of them out. In this case On The Third Hand: More fair and balanced than Fox News had a link to undercaffinated. Now remember I have never seen this site before in my life and when I looked at the lead article my reaction was: "Umm. That's pretty sick humour." The problem is that it wasn't humour. It was real. I just don't know what to say.

I have kids and I just cannot imagine how any parent would condone this behaviour. It completely changes the perception of headlines like "Israeli forces kill teenagers". It also begs the question of whether there is any point in trying to sort out the mess that is Palestine. Maybe USS Clueless is right, build the wall, let the Palestinians descend into civil war and deal with the remnants afterwards. That is so depressing but what other choice is there?

There are copies of the pictures, in the extended article. Also see here for more details (and comments).

A masked Hamas militant sets up a makeshift mortar launcher against Israeli forces, unseen, as Palestinian youths try to cover him from the sight of the forces during an incursion in a Gaza city’s neighborhood, Wednesday Feb. 11, 2004. Israeli troops moved into a neighborhood at the eastern edge of Gaza City early Wednesday, killing atleast 14 Palestinians and wounding at least 27 others in exchanges of fire, residents said, sparking the bloodiest fighting in Gaza in four months. (AP Photo/Adel Hana)

Palestinian militants exchange fire with Israeli troops in the Gaza Strip February 11, 2004. In their deadliest strike for months, Israeli troops killed at least 14 Palestinians in gun battles in the Gaza Strip on Wednesday, in raids Israel said were to root out militants behind attacks on Jewish settlements. REUTERS/Str

Happy Birthday

Three Wise Women

There is a bit of a rant over at The Gray Monk about some total dill in the Anglican synod who wants to change the "three wise men" into "three possibly not very wise persons". Daft. Absolutely and completely daft. A few snags short of a barbie (aussie slang for BBQ not a blond haired doll with really long legs).

Here is the deal. We don't know how many of them rocked up. Seriously. Go check your bible. It says that wise men came from afar (or "a fire" if you remember your Christmas jokes). The only mention of three comes from the three gifts:

Caspar: "Hey, whatcha gunna take Melchior?"
Melchior: "I figured some myrrh would be a bit prophetic."
Balthasar: "Well I'm gunna take some frankincense."
Caspar: "Maybe a gift voucher for Amazon?"
Melchior/Balthasar: "Get real. They won't have an internet connection for 2000 years."
Caspar: "How about some gold?"
Melchior: "That fits, we could even make a song out of it."
Fred (arriving late): "Sorry boys, got held up in the camel traffic. Whadda we gunna take?"
Balthasar: "Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh."
Fred: "All the good ones are taken. I'll go halves with Caspar OK?"

There may well have been more than three or there may have been two (the words used are plural so there must have been at least two). So if you want to quibble then get stuck into the numbering not the sex of the wise men.

Why ignore the sex? Well the one thing we do know for certain is that the wise persons were 100% certainly not female. How come?

If the wise men had been women then:
- they would have asked for directions
- arrived on time
- helped to deliver the baby
- cleaned the stable
- brought more practical gifts
- made a casserole

As they left, they would have said to each other:
- "Did you see that drummer boy? He can beat my drum anytime."
- "Wanna bet on how long before you get your casserole dish back?"
- "I heard that Joseph hasn't got a job"
- "That donkey is past the use-by date"
- "Did you see the sandals she was wearing with that gown?"
and the punchline: "That baby doesn't look a bit like Joseph".

The Mime Artist

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!� but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Inspiration VI

Someone asked for an American version of Inspiration IV" and I had a lot of trouble finding the "correct" sign for an Amercian roundabout. This one is hand drawn from a sign of one in Phoenix. If it isn't right and you can photograph one for me, I will correct it......

Microshaft Warning: Windblows Flaw

The sky is falling. For the second time this month, Microslosh has bypassed the "the second Tuesday in each month" restriction on frightening the customers. Apparently, six months ago someone found YAMF (Yet Another Microslosh Flaw) and they just got around to fixing it. It is apparently really, super, especially urgent that you not take as long as they did to implement it. You can check the scary details at Cnet and then you can:
1. Run around like a chook without a head patching everything in sight (the patch is guaranteed to break at least 10% of the systems you install it on), OR
2. You can wait another until your system is infected (again) and then reinstall it after the fuss dies down, OR
3. You can disconnect from the net and put a real computer between you and the internet to protect you (a Linux, BSD or Darwin box would do a fine job at this), OR
4. You can sit back and chuckle because you have a Mac and this doesn't apply to you.

Given such broken code it doesn't matter how careful you are or how often you patch your system. It's like gambling in the casino. You will lose in the long term because the casino will always take the house cut. The cost in lost productivity will be enormous but the normal blinkered IT vision will fail to realise that for the cost of just one of these attacks they could replace all the Windblows crap with something secure (Mac, Linux, OS2, TRS-80) and still save money.

Meanwhile, some employers (like mine?) will actively look at migrating more and more of their Unix solutions onto Wintel hardware because it is so much easier to work with. After all, they never see the Unix admins running around doing this sort of patching - obviously it is too hard to patch Unix boxes.

Bl**dy Republicans

Back on Australia Day (26 Jan), when I was enjoying myself wandering around the city I was accosted by a young women who pushed a brochure at me that read (on the visible part) "Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free...". Great I thought while trying to balance a child and a drink and some sandwiches and a map. She shoved it in my pocket for me and went of to bother someone else. I checked out the brochure today when emptying my bag. Down the bottom of the page it says "Australian Republican Movement" (ARM).

Before any of the Americans reading this get confused, this has absolutely nothing to do with your republicans. You have two parties over there - Democrat and Republican. We have two (main) parties - Labor and Liberal. Here, democrats are a minor (inconsequential) party of extreme liberals and the republicans are a (supposedly) apolitical body arguing for an Australian republic.

The brochure is basically a call for members to join up and donate money for the cause but I refuse. I will not have anything to do with them. Is this because I like the Queen? Not really. She isn't a bad old bird but the English in general have a lot to answer for and I am not in favour of Australia being even remotely associated with the future King Willy. So why don't I support the ARM?

The problem is one of meddling with a political process. We have a political system that, by and large, works. There are some problems (like 1974) but these tend to demonstrate that the system of checks and balances work. The Prime Minister (and government) are restrained by the governor-general who has absolutely no effective power except to be able to dismiss the parliament and force an election and even then he (or she) has no governing power (a caretaker government is appointed).

The ARM is not just about being a republic and having a president. It is about how that president is elected and how the power is controlled. The current claims that it is about the "right of every Australian child to aspire to the highest office in the land" is complete and under codswallop. The governor-general is Australian and every child can wish to be the governor-general - no worries mate. The model of a republic that the ARM has pushed in the past has the position of the president controlled by the prime minister. What a farce. The only publicly acceptable option is to have the president elected by the people. The problem with that, from the perspective of the ARM, is that the people might not choose the right president. After all, how could old branch-stacking Mal get to be president when he can't even take over a federal seat. Obviously the people have just a little more common sense than the ARM.

Here is the punch-line: The ARM lost the referendum for proposing this model but still refuse to accept the need to change it. The pro-Monarchists did not win the referendum, the ARM lost it by insisting on a model of presidential election which was not popular (and never will be).

I'll vote for a republic but only when I can vote for the president. Until then, keep your dirty, rotten, power grabbing hands off our constitutional system.

The Things Lawyers Say

A kind reader has been inundating me with jokes (some of which I just can't pass on without loosing my family-safe rating) including this one:

Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He's one hard judge!
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
10. Think you can get me off

Hmmm. Any lawyers care to add some more?

Meet Me Halfway

Joe found himself in serious financial trouble. He was desperate he decided to pray to God for help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good person and loyal to you and the church. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe falls to his knees in awe, shieding his eyes from the light as God's voice booms "Meet me halfway on this, Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."

G'Day G'Day (Slim Dusty)

A reader asked about where to find the lyrics to "G'day, G'day" which was sort of appropriate given the site name. I started transcribing them but after about half an hour a gave up and used Google instead. So without any more ado, here is what I found (from International Lyrics Playground):

G'DAY, G'DAY
(Kasey Chambers / Slim Dusty)
Slim Dusty

CHORUS:
G'day, G'day, how yer goin'?
Whadya know? Well, strike a light!
G'day, G'day, and how yer go-o-o-in'?
Just say g'day, g'day, g'day and you'll be right

Isn't it great, to be an Aussie
Takin' a walk along the street
Lookin' in shops, or buyin' a paper
Stoppin' and havin' a yarn with people
that you meet
Down at the pub, or at a party
Whenever you're stuck for what to say
If you want to be dinky-di,
why don't you give it a try
Look 'em right in the eye,
and say "Good-day"

CHORUS:
G'day, G'day, how yer goin'?
Whadya know? Well, strike a light!
G'day, G'day, and how yer go-o-o-in'?
Just say g'day, g'day, g'day and you'll be right

Now, when Italians meet, they all go crazy
The folks all like to hug each other, too
The Yanks invented "Hi!" and "see ya later"
While the Pommie will shake your hand and say,
"how do you do?"
Now watch out for a Frenchman, for he'll kiss yer
The Spaniards go for "Hola!" and "Ole!"
But in the land of the cockatoo
Cork hats and the didgeridoo
When you meet an Aussie, ten-to-one,
here's what he'll say...

CHORUS:
G'day, G'day, how yer goin'?
Whadya know? Well, strike a light!
G'day, G'day, and how yer go-o-o-in'?
Just say g'day, g'day, g'day and you'll be right

It's a greeting that you'll hear across Australia
From Geraldton to the Gove and Gundagai
It's as dinkum as the dingo and the dahlia
And you spell it with a "G" apostrophe
a "D.A.Y."

CHORUS
G'day, G'day, how yer goin'?
Whadya know? Well, strike a light!
G'day, G'day, and how yer go-o-o-in'?
Just say g'day, g'day, g'day and you'll be right

CHILD JOINS IN:
G'day, G'day, how yer goin'?
Whadya know? Well, strike a light!
G'day, G'day, and how yer go-o-o-in'?
Just say g'day, g'day, g'day and SHE'LL BE RIGHT!

You can purchase the CD from The Country Music Store (no affiliation with me - but I have purchased CDs from them before) for about $AU15.

Disney Sups with the Devil

Maybe it is just me but when I heard that Pixar and Disney had failed in their negotiations it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well it can't have been just me, because lots of Mac sites mentioned the rumour that the head of Disney looked likely to take a spill and one of the possible replacements was the head of Pixar (and if you don't understand why Mac sites would mention that rumour then you need to read some Apple history). I dunno, that sounds too much like history repeating.

So what could it be? Then I found this story. Well, if I was the head of Pixar, and I knew of that upcoming deal, then I would walk out as well. As most of the analysts point out, Disney will lose more than Pixar and this deal will make things much worse.

As the saying goes, I hope Eisner has a very very long spoon. Micromickey Mickysoft - here it comes.

Not So Punny

When the driver of a huge semi-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

[When I tried this joke on my colleagues a few were somewhat confused. Think Colgate Tooth Paste.]

Boxers VS Briefs

[My correspondent in the US swears this happened in Australia and a friend of a friend read in in the SMH. I have my doubts about that part of it but it is a good story anyway....]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle ... especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, they had ridden up his legs, and his lack of underpants had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic under the car had to have three stitches in his head.

Molehills to Mountains

Yesterday I started work on the Blog Roundup and my cobbled collection of crud (also known as a perl program) collapsed. I started to add another band-aid and then got impatient with it and began to rewrite bits. Now nothing works.....

I understand what is wrong but every small change has a bigger impact. Maybe this is a reflection on my programming skills but I find this pattern repeating. I start with a really good idea and then write some code. Once it is working the potential expands and I can see more opportunities - more functionality - more potential. That means I start hacking (in the original sense) the code and it grows and grows. The new features make the small starting exercise far more impressive. Other people start suggesting more features that matter to them so they get added and then the camel's straw comes along and the code breaks. Version 2 is a complete rewrite from the ground up with more flexible data storage, more encapsulated routines, maybe a database to store stuff in. This is only possible because of the wider scope that the code now covers. Once again a series of improvements come along. Once again the code grows and then is sort of stable but the pedant in me sees that maybe my model was wrong, maybe there is a better way. After using it for a while I become dissatisfied and so I start on V3. Sometimes V3 is too big a job and the program dies in the transition.

Well technically speaking, top10 is a V2. The first version was a page spider which worked but the code for extracting url's was written by hand. I used it to compare primary and backup sites. Sometime in the near future I will try to use it to fix a friend's MT problem (the data can no longer be extracted from MT but the archive pages exist so I figure the spider can read the pages and construct a backup file). V2 (the current version) worked well (with some cool perl library routines that did the grunt work) but I was trying to extend it and ran into the problem of resolving similar URLs. It reached the point where there were 40 site exceptions in the program which suggests I was doing it the wrong way.

Oh well, I am planning V3. Collect the URLs (as currently done) and feed them through three stages - one to clean up the URL (I don't want article details, just the blog link), two to handle a replacement table (which says "www.blah.com/blog/archive" is really "blah.com/blog") and the third to handle the URL to blog name conversion so that the links look right.

So what? Well it means that the Blog Roundup didn't happen. Maybe next week depending on my coding and concentration. It also means I am somewhat distracted by the coding exercise. My mind still works like a student (wants to pull all-nighters to code) but my body is somewhat aged (needs beauty maintenance sleep).

Oh yes, one of the extensions was to try building FOAF (friend of a friend) lists direct from the link tables.

Female Fantasy

A recent Harris On-line poll 38562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the respondents said (correctly) that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Football Player

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" the coach asked him.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Upgrade a Mac?

I have been asked to get involved in a discussion over at Dusting My Brain. You see the author at that site uses a Mac (a fact that the regular readers of her site would know because of the failure of her laptop before Christmas). What some of you may not know is that I use a Mac too (at least when I am not using a Newton). Anyway, to cut a long story short, one of the readers over there asked (in this post) for an explanation of the Mac->PC hoax.

The deal was that some id10t (see now I am pre10tious I have to use numbers in my words) claimed to have bought (actually doting parents purchased) an expensive top-of-the-line G5 mac and he then gutted it to use as a PC case. This irritated a number of Mac people to the point where the hoaxer then claimed that he just "got the case from a friend".

Now the original question was: "speaking of unabashedly bad behavior, i am still waiting for an explanation of the mac community's response toward a guy who pretended to tear the guts out of a brand new G5 and replace them with the innards of a windows pc". Dusting My Brain pointed out that the equivalent would be purchasing a Rolls-Royce and replacing the engine with parts from the salvage yard. The original commentator then asked:

Yes, I pretty much figured these were the underlying reasons for the response the guy got. But the outraged mac users acted like it was THEIR individual machines this guy violated. If I owned a Rolls Royce and some other guy owned a Rolls Royce and the other guy wanted to tear his Rolls Royce to pieces and put in junk yard parts, I wouldnt give a rip unless he wanted to do that to MY Rolls Royce.

Now this is where I have to jump in. Much as I enjoy Dusting My Brain, I think the analogy was not so good in this case because most people do not have a religious association with their cars (some do - like a guy I work with) but they do have a religious association with their computers. Let's face it, anyone still determined to continue using Windblows after being introduced to the Mac has to have some form of primitive religion because worship of Microsloth is the only possible reason for wanting to stay on that platform.
In this case a more appropriate analogy would be where some alternate religion (i.e. different to yours) began tearing down a religious building of your faith (but not the one you worship in). Imagine you are Hindu and and the Moslems are replacing a Hindu temple with a mosque. Or you are Southern Baptist and the Catholics are taking over a Baptist church. Or better still a Moslem and the Israelis are converting a mosque to a synagogue. There would be some angst (e.g. the riots in India, suicide bombers in the middle east) even if it is not where you currently attend worship.
If you are not religious, maybe sports is more your style. You follow football (real football = Aussie Rules) and then some team gets taken over by a basketball administrator who wants to change the rules or style of play. Maybe you are Canadian and some American gets elected local mayor of a town or maybe you are American and some Austrian gets elected governor of the state. You may not live in that town or state but you still have a strong opinion, one way or the other.
To explain the reactions of the Mac-faithful, all you need to do is think of something that you care about and then imagine it being perverted or twisted. This will seem strange to the non-Mac user because it is almost impossible to form a meaningful relationship with a blue-screen-of-death. Taking a G5 and replacing the guts with a PC is more than just stupidity - it is vandalism. More than that, it is sacrilege. The faithful will of course protest. In some cases the protests may even be extreme (Mac suicide bombers coming up). albeit unwarranted.

[Having explained all that as a means of answering the question, I figure that I had better make my own position clear. Personally I don't care what the fellow does with his G5 case. My attitude is that it is his choice and he is not harming anyone else - just his own karma. In the same way that I am happy to coexist with Baptists, Israelis, Muslims, Hindus - I can coexist with PC users. As long as they don't seek to convert me, I won't insist on converting them.]

Inspiration V

Quiz of the Week(end)

Obviously I need some help here.....

Lateral Thinking

Some years ago, there was a story about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street.

Some Jews were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first.

The Jewish synagogue had a problem.

Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.

Instead, they used bumper stickers.

One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !"

No more parking lot problems.

Inspiration IV

Aussie Three Kick Rule

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural New South Wales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things Down Under. We settle small disagreements like this with the Aussie Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Aussie Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly then the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot - now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Car Salesmen

A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found their salesman working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," the man announced to the salesman, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Who is First?

[This joke via email]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Smart Kids

Picture a Sunday School class full of bright but fidgety kids. Add one of those hyper enthusiastic teachers who wants to talk about heaven ....

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" the teacher asks.

"NO!" all the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well," he continues, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead first!"

Friday 5

Sorry I didn't like the questions this week - so no answers. I'll post a couple of jokes instead. This is just to let you know so you don't all ask what happened to the Friday 5 (like last week when it was late).

I protest

In my book the phrase pretentious should be directed at people who think words have numbers in them. I mean a few of them like i18n (internationalisation) sort of make sense (it is a really long word and there are 18 letters between the i and the n) but you would not use it in a post where you call other pretentious and accuse them of abusing the English language. Let's face it, someone who uses numbers in their words might be able to understand American but has less hope of understanding ENGLISH than we Aussies do.

Anyway, that aside, I protest. A latte is not my preferred method of drinking coffee (try cappuccino if you can spell it with letters). I also do not live in the US, nor do I blog about the presidential race (we don't have one yet). I do have tertiary qualifications and I worked d*mn hard for them and they enable me to work in the tertiary industry. As for being pretentious - maybe. I really got into blogging as a way of expressing myself and found it a great way to let of steam. So far this calendar year over 8000 visitors seem to have enjoyed it or found it useful. One did not. On those numbers I figure I may as well continue to enjoy myself.

I have intentionally not linked to the source of the article - why provide him any direct publicity. I figure he needs a school education (to learn to spell) before expending any effort on dealing directly with his site.

The first mention of the article in question (at least the first that I saw) appeared yesterday (Jivha) but the one that encouraged a response was from the most excellent Politburo Diktat (the image above links to his post as well). I have edited the image slightly so that I will not be competing with Zoe's boyfriend.

Initially I started to write a rant complete with references and vitriol but then I discovered that lots of other bloggers (infinitely more able) had already done so. Instead I suggest you visit one of the following enjoyable applications of the LART (L-user Attitude Readjustment Tool):
- The Cheese Stands Alone
- Who Tends the Fires
- Wizbang
- Arrgghhh!!!
- e-Claire
- Democrats Give Conservatives Indigestion (*)
- I Speak of Dreams (**)
- Ambient Irony
- Drowning at 2 Feet Sea Level
- Serenities Journal
- Technicalities

(*) In Australia, the Democrats are the latte-sipping, pseudo-intellectual, absolutely-irrelevant minor political party (I used to vote democrat until the leader jumped ship and turned Labor). Now the Greens have more political clout. The major parties are Liberal (right), Labor (also right), National (far right). The minors are Democrat (all over the place), Green (far left), One Nation (lunatic right). The problem is that I don't think our left/right runs on the same axis as American left/right - must be something to do with driving on the wrong side of the road.

(**) This is strangely relevant to the 8K visitor who was looking for this valentines joke (about dreams).

Inspiration III

Little Old Lady

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed a little old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

The Ghan...

... was the name given to the train from Adelaide (in South Australia) to Alice Springs (Northern Territory). Recently the rail link was extended to Darwin and on February 3rd, the first train arrived in Darwin after travelling almost 3000* kilometres from Adelaide.

You can read up on some of the history of the train (including an explanation of where the name came from), book a ticket, or read an item about the arrival in Darwin. The last link mentions that the Territorians welcomed the train in their own distinctive way and at the risk of starting another round of the recent media backlash, I have a link to the relevant photo :-) in the extended article. Please note that it is probably not safe for work (or anywhere else for that matter).

[*For the pedants the number was 2,979]

From Spike in the SMH:

250-bum salute
The Ghan passenger train finally arrived in Darwin on Tuesday, but not before it was given a 250-bum salute by the Territory's larrikin residents. Spike reported on January 13 that the salute's organiser, Russell Clark, was expecting about 150 Darwinians to join him in mooning the train as it passed the Livingstone airstrip 55 kilometres from Darwin.
He got more posteriors than he had bargained for, and managed to raise "about $1200" for the local hospital's children's ward by collecting donations and selling T-shirts boasting, "I mooned the first Ghan, February 3, 2004".
"There were about 500 there and probably half of them mooned the train," Clark told Spike. "The police were there and asked us to go down the other end of the track to make sure there wasn't any indecent exposure and all the dangly bits were covered. I don't think it offended anybody. I hope it didn't. It was just a bit of Territory humour."
Clark saw only one passenger's camera trained on the bottoms, but Livingstone local Cade Broomhall kindly sent us this image.

The image from the paper can be seen here. [Reminder - some viewers may find this offensive.]

Inspiration II

Whaddya do ...

... when you have a product with more holes than Swiss cheese?

1. You offer a bounty for people abusing the holes!
2. You tell people to trust you for updates with more holes!
3. You pose for photographs with security people!
4. You tell people that your focus is on security!
5. You produce flashy posters!

As AppleTurns suggests:

Anyway, that's the Microsoft Trustworthy Computing Strategy Du Jour for you, and by gum, while offering cash rewards to capture virus-writers didn't work out as well as it might have, we've got a really good feeling about this latest tactic. Seriously, is there any problem a well-placed poster can't solve? But on the off-off-off chance the poster campaign doesn't stop all viruses dead in their tracks, may we make a humble suggestion for Microsoft's next strategy?

Here goes:

[Ahem]

FIX YOUR #*&@ING SOFTWARE, ALREADY.

Just a thought.

I feel a burst of inspiration coming on ....

Inspiration I

You and the IRS

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

What's in a Name?

This is not, as you may have suspected, a followup to an earlier article even if it starts with the same theme. Instead, check out this story from the SMH:

Tacking Jr or II onto a boy's name is too common, a new father decided, so the self-described engineering geek took a software approach to naming his newborn son.
Jon Blake Cusack talked his wife, Jamie, into naming their son Jon Blake Cusack 2.0.
"I wanted to find something different to name him besides Jon Blake," Cusack told The Holland Sentinel.
He said he had the idea for a few months, and spent the better part of that time persuading his wife to go along.
Jamie Cusack said she didn't concede until the week before the birth. She said she had "picked out the theme of the baby's room and done other things. I decided to let Jon have this."
After 2.0's birth, the Cusacks sent out an electronic birth announcement.
"I wrote in the birth announcement email stuff, like there's a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," Jon Cusack said.

The paper failed to make the obvious punchline - obviously this is going to be a one-child family.

I mean what would you call the second son? Jon Blake Cusack 2.1 or 3.0?

How would you call the kids? "Wash your hands, 2.0", "Brush your teeth 2.1".

[Update: That'll teach me to forget to post things - Jake is already running the story.]

Garden Power?

I only just realised that I have passed my first blog-anniversary without even noticing it. The first post was 2003/02/01 although the blog didn't work properly until 2003/02/11. Anyway, in all that time I have tried to be careful about not mentioning where I work. That policy has not changed but I feel a burning desire to communicate about the resolution to the problems last week and so I have decided to try an analogy. This may not work but it is worth a try.....

Imagine I work in the agriculture business. We have a number of gardens that we maintain, some large ones, some smaller ones. Some are open to the public and some are not. These gardens produce stuff for market. I work in the maintenance section - looking after a group of larger gardens (about 100 of them). Elsewhere in this large corporation there is a "garden architecture strategy" (GAS) section which specifies what to grow, when to grow it and how to grow it. They like to dabble but do not (in general) have a lot of front-line, getting-your-hands-dirty garden expertise. They do however set long term garden directions. Some time ago they raised the question of dealing with public gardens and the gardens that are linked to the public gardens (with gates of course which only let employees through). The visitors tend to leave stuff behind. A lot of it is rubbish from casual visitors but some of it may be valuable. Because of the high level of expertise required to sort rubbish from valuables (hmmm, analogy a bit weak here), an outside organisation was required to do the analysis. A tender was prepared by GAS and a number of the garden operatives were involved. A company (Beautiful Terrain or BT) was selected (by tender) and started to do the detailed design and implementation proposals. Internally a team of operational people (most of whom were involved in the tender) were used to evaluate, comment and sign-off the detailed proposals (and I was in both teams).
In the tender there is a requirement for the valuables to be forwarded to us for dispersal. The tender did not specify how this was to be done. Initially BT proposed using Australia Post or DHL but a faster method would be for direct delivery. When a gardener finds something, he (or she) takes it to the Environmentally Sustainable Monitor (ESM) which is is distributed appropriately. I suggested that the same mechanism could be applied. BT countered that there was no authentication when using unidentifiable distribution personnel (UDP) and no guarantee of delivery. They would prefer something that involved trusted competent personnel (TCP) instead. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing and they asked how we handle the garden produce. I admitted that we had customised wheelbarrows for doing exactly that. BT basically decided that the customised wheelbarrows looked like a really good deal. So far so good.
Then BT mentioned that in addition to the valuables, they could provide some extra functionality (at no extra cost) where they could effectively prevent some things from getting lost in the first place. That looked like a good feature but a change like that needed GAS approval. During the GAS presentation the matter of delivery was mentioned in passing. GAS mandated that environmentally friendly, solar-powered, massive, high-quality (MQ) trucks would be required and that these should all travel via a checking station which happens to be in one of the gardens adjacent to a public garden.
I got a bit hot under the collar pointing out that the cost would be prohibitive, the MQ trucks were not tested for this, the ESM was not designed to cater for MQ trucks and having the MQ trucks full of valuables pass right next to the public garden was an invitation for someone to break in and steal the contents. Meetings were arranged. Arguments were held. Stress levels went through the roof and I ended up being off for a day (stress migraine).

End result: it was all my fault. GAS explained that quite clearly. I should never have mentioned the wheelbarrows. That is providing a solution and that is what GAS does. Not garden managers. Not even garden managers in charge of implementing a GAS project. Well at least I know now and that means I am a lot more relaxed. Oh, and I have to get involved in the changes required to fit the MQ trucks into our garden system.....

However if you come asking for a solution to your problem, then I am afraid that I will have to redirect you to someone full of gas from GAS instead.

[I hope you enjoyed that and it made some sense. If you want to ask questions or comments then PLEASE do not try and link the analogy to real people or places of possible employment....]

Past, Present, Future

Over at Firebrand's Desiderata I found this article which looks like another of those Friday 5 type ideas. It appears to be from GreyDuck.

PAST: I remember those pre-teen days when having a pocketful of change gave me a sense of financial independence. What did you first do for money?
Ironing. Both my parents worked and there was a lady who used to take the ironing and do it. I started with the easy stuff and worked my way up to my father's shirts. Given a big family, there was plenty of it. Mind you, I hate ironing now....

PRESENT: Understanding the current (lousy) state of the economy, I won't assume you're employed right now. So. What did you last do for money?
I have my snout firmly in the government trough for the moment but I am looking for a real job.

FUTURE: If you suddenly came into a situation where you didn't need the income, would you still work some sort of job?
Absolutely but it would be the job I want to do instead of being a wage slave. Basically I would dabble in software development and extend some of my other sideline activities (like Mac support). The market isn't big enough to support a Mac consultant but if I didn't need to work then the level of activity would not frighten my mortgage holder.

Australian Summer

You know you're in an Australian Summer when:
1. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.
2. Hot water comes out of both taps.
3. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
4. The temperature drops below 35C (95F) and you feel a little chilly.
5. You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
6. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.
7. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
8. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.
9. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
10. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.
12. You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during the night.
13. You pray that your train will have airconditioning, and if it doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

I Won An Award

Quite apart from staggering (blindingly drunk) back into the Maurading Marsupial category, I have apparently won as the blog Most Likely To Take Sabbatical To Live, Jane Goodall-Style, Amongst a Colony of Bandicoots.

Check out the other winners in post one, post two and post three.

Update: I forgot to mention that I passed the 7K mark yesterday as well. If it was you, you know what to do.

P.S. I know they were predictions but it sounds better as an award.....

Alternate Explanation

Apparently SCO were taken by surprise when the virus attack hit early. The article explains:

The MyDoom attack trigger was set for 1609 GMT Sunday. But with so many computer clocks incorrectly set, the infected machines began firing off data requests at SCO.com hours earlier, Hypponen [research manager at Finnish anti-virus firm F-Secure] said.

I have a far more plausible theory based on real support experience. There are people out there with computers who don't know what timezones are. They set the computers clock to the correct time but have no idea about setting anything else. They all ring up to complain at zone changes (daylight to normal and back again). I even remember one user (in Parramatta) who set his timezone to PMT (Pacific Mountain Time) because he figured the P was for Parramatta.

In a complete setback for mail management the article also states:

Security officials have warned computer users to delete suspicious e-mail messages that appear to come from Mail Administrator and other official-looking addresses that contains a file attachment.

I usually send the dead message back as an attachment when mail bounces. This will now be promptly deleted and ignored so that the bad email address continues to be used. Oh well, I just have to rely on the fact that most users won't even read that instruction - proof can be found in the size of the attack on SCO :-)

[Update: Mac Central has the following quote:

In a statement, SCO confirmed the attack, saying that requests sent to www.sco.com from Mydoom-infected computers were responsible for making its Web site "completely unavailable" Sunday. The company is working on "contingency plans" to deal with the DDoS problem, but would not have more information before Monday morning, SCO said.

That makes sense for a company like SCO. They knew it was coming but they plan to fix it "after" the event and they will let people know by posting details on a website that it no longer accessible. Smart move, NOT!. Just like the rest of the recent SCO moves.]

Hit Me With a Clue Stick

A reader just pointed out that I had not updated the Blog-Roll as promised a couple of months ago. Of course I have. I looked on the test site and it was current. Then I looked in TypePad and it wasn't. Sorry about that. If you check now it should be fixed.

I am currently trying out BlogRoll and Blo.gs to find the best solution for my own blog roll and also to set up a blog roll for USURP. Of the two, I like the interface to blo.gs (easy to add and delete on their site) but there are restrictions (only once per hour for the opml data) and I would have to format that into an include for TypePad (or write some Java Script stuff). BlogRoll gives you bookmarklets to add blogs but I don't like the interface as much. They also give you the java script ready made so that you can just plug it into your web page. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I'll give it to this weekend and then make a call. Maybe blo.gs for me and blogroll for USURP?

P.S. I know I could make the USURP roll static but that makes it harder to maintain. I also want to poke the logo and main site at the top of the list which means a bit of fiddling. If that works, the members can simply put one include or one java script in their index template and they get the logo and all the links.

P.P.S. I don't profess to know everything and if you have some alternate ideas - hit me with another clue stick.

Name that Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

Sympathy Required

Your sympathy is requested for Aussie Courier - his computer destroyed itself. Before you ask, he does not use a Mac - he doesn't like Macs. You might like to cheer him up by leaving a comment about computers you have known and loved.....

Modern Sayings

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Perhaps you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9. Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.
13. If you intend to live forever, so far, so good.
14. Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
15. Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.
17. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
21. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
22. Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view.
23. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
24. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29. A clear conscience is frequently the sign of a bad memory.
30. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
31. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

[Stolen from PD.]

Blog Roundup

The normal blog roundup will not be happening this week. Instead, let me suggest five new blogs for you to check out (sorry no reviews provided this week):
- Notes from the (Legal) Underground
- Procrastination
- The Politburo Diktat
- Idle Days
- Ripples

I also had a request from a new blogger this week who wants to exchange links. WHy not check the blog out and see what you think: Troll's Blog.

Quiz of the Week(end)

Find Your Warped Personality
this quiz was made by mysti

Friday 5 (Late)

You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?
My workplace. I want to play them a song (which I am sure I have on tape somewhere - sung by Dolly Parton).

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
My house (i.e. pay off the mortgage).

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
Holiday round the world for the missus and kids (and me of course). Not really round the world but lots of places we want to see (Scotland, Italy/Rome, Canada, USA, New Zealand).

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
We have a list of charities that we like to support so they would get a chunk.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
Yup. Stock market. When I played last time (over a period of 18 months) I was able to easily out-perform my superannuation fund (i.e. my retirement money). May also put something into real estate.

Now when do I collect my cash?

Visitor 6K

Visitor #6000 appears to be an AOL user from Perth looking for the old Wooden Whistle story. My grandpa used to tell me this when I was too young to understand the joke:

- There was a boy who had a wooden whistle but it wooden (wouldn't) whistle.
- Then he got a steel whistle but it steel (still) wooden (wouldn't) whistle.
- Then he got a tin whistle - "Now I tin (can) whistle".

If this looks like you, drop me a comment and claim a guest post or ask a question.

By the way I got no feedback on my last (carefully researched) question about the peanut gallery. Was that because (a) everybody knew what a peanut gallery was, (b) nobody cared what a peanut gallery was, or (c) nobody looked at that post?