G'Day Mate MkII

Reader SPAM

Just before Christmas I was considering sending all my regular (identifiable) readers a Christmas card (the one that eventually appeared on the blog anyway). I was all set to go when I stopped and thought about it. How would be readers react? Would it (effectively) be consider SPAM? It is certainly unsolicited. It isn't really commercial (although the motive could be seen as encouraging readers to return). I thought some more. And more. Eventually I decided it would be better to post the card on the blog and make it clear that is was for all the readers rather than emailing it. Giving how I feel about unsolicited mail, there may be others out there who would be upset about it. Note that being PC did not enter into it. I am happy to wish Happy Hogmanay even to a Sassenach (who would not understand it). I am equally happy to receive Merry Hogswatchnight cards (or the equivalent). I figure the more happiness and friendship spread around the better and trying to be "PC" will not help.

Having made my decision, I was going to let the matter rest but two things occurred. First, I did not receive any email-cards from other bloggers (I did get some comments and a couple of personal emails) which sort of vindicated my decision. The second thing was that I received a email last night from a blog about a current posting. The blog concerned is not on my blogroll. It is not one that I read regularly. In fact I don't recall having visited it or leaving a comment there (I certainly can't see any links in the archives). The email was sent to the admin address associated with my MT blogs which is not an address I normally leave in comments. Hmmmm. Is it SPAM?

The topic was interesting but I would much rather have found out about it in the normal way as opposed to receiving a direct email. Hence I won't provide a link but you can probably find the topic "blogosphere vs journalists" and the blog "jesiccaswell" in google.

BTW If you would like to receive a Christmas card (emailed) next year - let me know :-) I can probably do birthday's too if that would make your day more enjoyable....

Comment SPAM

Please could all the email harvesters come and talk to Alexi the comment spammer. He wanted to post a completely inappropriate comment about prescription drugs to this article. Of course I added him to the IP ban list but then figured, hey why not pass his email list around, maybe some Nigerian 401 spammer could help him spend some money....

I think he was trying to teach me Russian:

Priveyet (Hello)
Va skolka (How are you)?
Minyar eemya Alexi (My name is Alexi)
Spasebo Balshoi (Big thank you).
S'novom godom (With / Happy New year).
Paka (In a while / see you soon).
Alexi

I hope you don't take this personally Alexi but I have no interest in meeting you or learning Russian. I do hope you enjoy the deluge of email spam that is coming your way....

That is the third spammer in 30 days from 217.26.24[0-4].* - one more and I might need to look up the address and do something about it.

Searching ...

Thanks to Phil Baker, I have found something more interesting than looking at search queries in my web logs. Unfortunately there are two problems - first Phil does not provide any way to link to his article so it will vanish at some point in the future (and no trackback either so he won't know that I said this) and secondly, I don't own Google :-(

Oh well, here are five recent searches:
- Under the Kilt (Google #5)
- phoenix, perth, sex worker (Google #10)
- solaris cron bad user (Google.de #6)
- freemasonry v.s biblical christianity (Google.co.za #4)
- ms reader crap (Google #5)

Who ever would have thought that I could be an expert in so many diverse areas. Expect future posts to combine these topics so that we have "bad sex worker in perth" using a "crap ms reader" to check "under the kilt". See if you can add the other search terms to make it more interesting....

I Forgot

I have no idea how I stumbled over Selective Amnesia. I must have forgotten. Anyway, there is a fantastic fish-hook* post:

Every man, every woman (to be PC) realises that they hold inside them a power, a power that they never realised they had till one fatefull day. The power to see things better, to get a clearer vision of things as they are. To look, feel and think better. Put things in the proper perspective.
A power that only comes once in a while.
I got that power.
I changed my glasses (spectacles) yesterday...

Check out some of the other posts like Real Pleasure, Mayfly Project and I Have Arrived.

[* Fish-hook - where you don't know you have been caught until too late.]

Mayfly Project

Just found this lovely MayFly thing (thanks to Melodrama and Selective Amnesia). Gist of the system is that you have to sum up the last year in no more than 20 words:

The best brief biography I've ever heard was for a mayfly:
"Born. Eat. Shag. Die."
There's nothing like summing up the last year of your life to make you re-examine your priorities, or refocus on what has affected you. Where would you begin?
...
When I got home, inspired by my evening and the biography of a mayfly, above, I asked readers to sum up the last year of their lives in twenty words or less. The Mayfly Project was born.

There are currently 776 entries, why don't you add yours....

This is my entry for 2003 (and a new years resolution - all rolled into one):

Tried: Blogging, gardening, parenting, working, eating, sleeping.
Failed: Gardening, parenting, working, sleeping.
Suceeded: Blogging, eating.
Now lose weight while blogging.

Mid-week Mystery

This mid-week mystery was supposed to have been posted last Wednesday but I got distracted by all the jokes so I figured it was still relevant to use this week. Now I have to warn you that a knowledge of current affairs (actually politics) in Sydney would be really helpful and I may post a comment (or extended artucle) clue if there are no early jumps at the answer.

Oh yeah, I forgot the question....

Why does this picture suggest that Christmas is upon us?

Clue #2: The photo was taken about a block away from this site near the corner of Pitt and Bathurst streets.

Clue #3: The relevant section in the PDF (which contains the minutes of a standing committee meeting into the budgets of the major utilities) starts at the bottom of Page 2 where Mr Pearce was walking in Bathurst Street.

Ethical Philosophy Results

Check out this quiz on ethical philosophy. This is one result I am very happy about.

Your Results:
1. St. Augustine (100%)
2. Aquinas (99%)
3. Spinoza (71%)
4. Jeremy Bentham (67%)
5. John Stuart Mill (66%)
6. Aristotle (61%)
7. Ockham (60%)
8. Kant (57%)
9. Plato (56%)
10. Cynics (55%)
11. David Hume (52%)
12. Ayn Rand (45%)
13. Nietzsche (45%)
14. Epicureans (44%)
15. Jean-Paul Sartre (44%)
16. Stoics (41%)
17. Prescriptivism (36%)
18. Nel Noddings (35%)
19. Thomas Hobbes (25%)

Friday 5 (Christmas Delayed)

Here is the Friday 5 I missed for Christmas.

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Do I have to have accomplished anything? I think just making to the end of the year in one piece ought to be worth some points.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?
Boy talk about the tough ones. Missing WWDC would be fairly high on the list. Not getting a better paying job would also be up there. Parenting hassles would also score high.

3. What do you hope the new year brings?
New job, more money, a long holiday.

4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? If yes, what will they be?
That would be telling and it is not New Year yet. I could give you a hint and it would be related to needing a new suit near the middle of the year (when I would be in HK anyway).

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?
See the first answer to the last Friday 5 :-) It will be quiet (I hope), maybe a movie (on DVD) and a drink with the missus.

What is a Flappy Bird (revisited)

I have been a Flappy Bird for yonks and yonks (i.e. a long time) and my better half was reading over my shoulder when she said: "What's the rat got to do with it?".

Thanks to all those kind people out there who shoved me up into the Adorable Little Rodent category.

BTW, Busy Mom got promoted as well so maybe it was a side effect of the weblog awards.

Yet Another Quiz

All the regular readers would know that I usually do a quiz on Sundays (posted in advance because I rarely do any blogging on Sunday). These come from chance encounters on the web or the occasional search but following a link from Reflections in D Minor I seem to have found the mother-load of interesting quizzes at Still Life withWoodpecker: The Later Years. Examples include:

You shall be taken from this place and put to death
by firing squad. Though your crimes against us
warrant death, you're not nearly important
enough to warrant anything spectacular or
public. In other words, yer a pawn, bub, and
you still won't matter even if you wipe your
arse with that damn blindfold.


How will you be executed come the revolution?
brought to you by Quizilla

There is also a grammar one but I didn't do too well on it:

I wouldn't know how to diagram a sentence to save my life. I answered based on common usage and I intend to ask my mother (Humanities Teacher) about one of the ones I got wrong because I suspect the ruling is different for Australia. Never mind.... Check out the site and some of the quizzes.

Visitor 6K

The 6Kth visitor (since the new counter was set up) was from England for a change and given the timestamps relative to certain comments, it must have been The Gray Monk coming from "afar".

The counter will be reset on January 1 simply because the 18th of November has no real significance as a date. That means we will get to do the 6Kth visitor again sometime next year. In the meantime, the Gray Monk can claim the usual prize (guest post or question).

Back to Work

Well Christmas is all over bar the shouting of siblings who have had enough of each other. Almost seems like an escape to go back to work :-) the bus is amazingly empty because most people are taking a few days leave to get a longer break. In some cases the leave was not voluntary. A number of organisations seem to have figured that there was no point in reopening for two or three days.

Fortunately I can get around that as a member of the operations section where a skeleton crew must be available at all times! (Mind you, I am a fairly solid looking skeleton.) The reason that it is fortunate is that I am trying to save up my leave for later in the year; firstly for WWDC (San Francisco in June/July) and secondly for my Mother-in-law's graduation (Hong Kong in August).

At least it will be a quiet day as I get back to trying to find the bottleneck in a multi-tier application (WebSphere, MQ Series, EGate, Oracle). I suspect that the problem is related to Java or the JVM on Solaris. Only four processes but six hundred threads...

Blogshares

Looks like blogshares is back on-line and I need to claim this blog:

Blog Roundup

Hands up all those who figured there would be no roundup this week? Just as I thought - most of you. OK, you can put your hands down again. Not only is there a post but I got it up on Sunday.... This week (as in future weeks) we will concentrate on 5 blogs. A blog that has been listed in the previous week will not be eligible this week (but will be eligible next week). To keep things honest, the Top10 list (see extended article) will list 10 random blogs to allow for replacement when an entry is disqualified. If you would like to see some other blog listed, leave a comment with the url of the blog which will guarantee a chance at selection in the next round.... If there are a lot of suggestions, I may do a midweek roundup as well. While you are at it, suggestions for modifying or improving the rules are also welcome.

Eliminated blogs for this week are: The Cheese Stands Alone, When I Paint My Masterpiece, Tiger: Raggin; & Rantin', PD: You ... relax and Utterly Boring.

First we have Dusting My Brain who seems to have had a kitchen almost as hot as mine but for a different reason. She has also spotted the magical attraction of little children. (Just so you know squipper, they are not like that all the time). There are also not one, not two but three links to the pre-Christmas marathon. There were (as best as I can make out) between 500 and 700 visitors on Christmas eve - a real spike in the visitor count and a lot of them got to read the final (and most important) post. On the sad-news front, it looks like the TiBook has not fully recovered. If I was closer I could help with diagnostics but given the distance, I'll keep my fingers crossed (well metaphorically anyway - might be hard to type with crossed fingers....)

Second we have Ramblings of SilverBlue (note that I have fixed up the URL as the one detected by Top10 does not point to the blog). Now there is something wrong with either the site or my net connection because I can't seem to get to any of the pages other than the main one (e.g. 'About') because my browser insists that the site is unreachable (which also means the backtrack pings won't work). I am not going to risk reloading the front page either in case it goes away. Any-rate, there is a cool map thingo (technical Australian term - see also dodad, whatsit, thingumy, whatchamacallit) on the right and some nice Christmas cartoons. I also liked the extensive Christmas location report - it is almost like the sort of thing you chat about with your relatives on the phone - a newsy "family" report. The best picture on the blog has to this one. We used to have "Arial Speed Patrols" but the vandals used to change the signs to read "Pigs in Space" (muppet joke - combined with Aussie slang where cops are called pigs not bears). But what I really want to know - what is wrong with haggis?

Off the track I followed a link from SilverBlue and found this post with a beautiful summary of LOTR in only two words: Walking Trees.

Third cab off the rank is Jivha - the Tongue who opens with a serve at hypocritical standards when it comes to job searching. Personally I think he is right. If we expect a company or organisation to honour an offer then we should honour an acceptance. Speaking of honours, apparently Jivha won an Indian blog award: “IndiBlog of the year 2003�. Congratulations. Given the growing number of high quality Indian blogs, it is a real honour to have been selected let alone to have won. I also think that I forgot to link to the caption contest post last time.

Next we have to eliminate Dusting My Brain (see above) and move onto http://kirsty.typepad.com/boblog. In case you were wondering, Bob (as in Bob-log) actually has his real picture online. Lots of bloggers prefer to remain more anonymous. In fact Bob also has some of his family history online as well. Actually I am not sure how Bob is going to wear his Christmas present - can you get cat size t-shirts? Apparently Bob is also teaching children to spell. Actually before you all make rude comments - I did work out that the teaching and t-shirt actually involve Kirsty not Bob.

Finally we have to skip When I Paint My Masterpiece (see above) and opt for Interested Participant. I went to check out the site and got nothing except the advert at the top. Absolutely no content. Nada. Just as well I checked back later. There is an interesting observation about education in China. I already know of some foreigners teaching in China so the news comes as no surprise. I believe at least some schools are even introducing the IB (International Baccalaureate). There is another entry on the topic of "ignoble" reporting which includes those media organisations that have some degree of bias in what they report. Bit silly really, we all have a bias - what we need to demand is balance - not all one view or the other but some of both.

Seeya next week.

[Update: SilverBlue appears to be back on the air - so I have now sent those trackbacks...]

Site Checklist
==============
G'Day Mate - Archive
G'Day Mate
G'Day Mate - Reviews
Note: There are 617 links to consider.


TOP 10 Sites
============
Jivha - the Tongue (32)
Kingsley (25)
Technically Speaking (23)
Interested Participant (23)
All AgitProp (23)
Dusting My Brain (22)
When I Paint My Masterpiece (19)
Tiger: Raggin; & Rantin' (16)
Utterly Boring (15)
PD: You ... relax (12)


Random 10 Sites
===============
Dusting My Brain (22)
http://www.silverblue.org (1)
Jivha - the Tongue (32)
Dusting My Brain (22)
http://kirsty.typepad.com/boblog (2)
When I Paint My Masterpiece (19)
Interested Participant (23)
A Jaunty Little Blog (10)
Reflections in d minor (8)
http://www.dillernet.com/apple (1)


Newtie Awards

For all you Newton fans out there, the 2003 Newtie Awards are apparently up and running. Go forth and vote....

Quiz of the Week(end)

You are 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'. You take
Christmas very seriously. For you, it is a
religious festival, celebrating the birth of
the Saviour, and its current secularisation
really irritates you. You enjoy the period of
Advent leading up to Christmas, and attend any
local carol services you can find, as well as
the more contemplative Advent church services
each Sunday. You may be involved in Christmas
food collections or similar charity work. The
midnight service at your church, with candles
and carols, is one you look forward to all
year, and you also look forward to the family
get together on Christmas Day.

What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Aussie Christmas

A very long time ago (at least in blog terms) a punter asked a question on one of the posts. The question was, "What do Australians eat for Christmas?"

I could, of course, be indirect and just answer the question but I thought I could be more professional and actually survey some relies (strine = relatives) about what they had for Christmas lunch.

First respondent:

Breakfast: champagne or wine with BBQ bacon / eggs / snags (strine = sausages).

Lunch: Roast pork (cold) Roast turkey (cold) Leg Ham carved off the bone (cold), Roast potatoes, pumpkin, onions, gravy & spring rolls, wine & beer, punch desert- macadamia nut pudding log (warm) sliced with ice-cream

Dinner: fruit platter (too full after lunch).

Second respondent:

Lunch: Cold meat (ham/turkey/pork) and salads.

What about us:

Breakfast: Cereal with milk (soy for me due to lactose intolerance)

Lunch: Cold meat (ham off the bone, turkey), mango, tomato (from our garden), lettuce ... followed by Gelato (for me) or icecream.

Dinner: Repeat Lunch

Hope that has cleared up any misunderstandings. There is no way we could have had a baked dinner in the heat. A friend in the UK said "but CNN listed the temperature as 20 degree Celsius (= 68 degree Fahrenheit)". That was true but that was the overnight temperature. The day varied across Sydney from 38 to 42 (100 to 108). A baked dinner in that climate would be suicide (at least for those who had to prepare it).

By the way, that's why we drink our beer cold - ice cold. Not lukewarm like the poms.

The Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

Merry Christmas

Jesus vs Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole ...

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...

JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...

JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...

JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your

heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little

boy (or girl,) what's your name?" ...

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our

name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and

future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...

JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken

homes and builds mansions.

Santa is a "jolly old elf"

JESUS is the King of Kings

Santa may make you chuckle but ...

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...

JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

Christmas Nightmare

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

Rudolf the Weatherman

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Too much

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

.....

If you have logged onto this blog every hour to check the jokes then you haven't had enough Christmas yet....

Three Wise (Fire)Men

In a small Southern (Texan) town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Christmas Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. 

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Parent's Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

Traditions

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.  Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood. 

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?  Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Top 10

If you don't like your gift, here are the top 10 things to say:

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Christmas Symbols

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"

Santa's Flight Exam

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Christmas Letters

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily.

Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 28

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 29

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Dec 30

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily.

Edward, Dec 31

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily.

Look here, Edward, Jan 2

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this
ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5

Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep Attorney at law.

Legal Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Union Clause

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated . . . Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Post Party Apology

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am  forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......

Immaculate Conception

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Academic Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

Office Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Week Before Christmas

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

Is Santa a Woman?

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it...

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only lingerie suitable for street walkers, cheap perfume, or any sharp object made by Ronco which slices or dices, left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a PlayStation under the tree, still in the bag. And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't wrap presents
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)
- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up babes.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Santa is not a Woman

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year.  The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.

And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:

"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."

If Santa was female, that line would have read:
"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinitely..."

Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner).

Dinner Riddles

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

Reindeer Facts

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

PC Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Beery Christmas

If it gets any hotter, maybe we could do this on our Christmas tree:

University Santa

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.

5. Santa travels a lot.

Yep, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

12 Days (90's style)

1: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Finding a Christmas tree. ****

2 (Husband):
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

3 (Inebriated man):
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

4 (Frustrated man):
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

5: The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Five months of bills,
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

6 (Frustrated wife):
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

7 (Angry Man):
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
The Salvation Army,
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Sending Christmas Cards,
Bad hangovers,
Rigging up the lights,
and finding a Christmas tree.

8 (Loud Kid):
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS,
All the charities,
What do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills,
Oh, making out these cards,
Edith, get me a beer, huh?
What? We have no extension cords?!?
and finding a Christmas tree.

9 (Another frustrated man):
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
No parking spaces,
DADDY, I WANT CANDY,
All the donations,
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Oh, writing Christmas cards,
Bad hangovers,
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
and finding a Christmas tree.

10 (Toy commercial voiceover):
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
"Batteries no included",
No parking spaces,
DADDY, I WANT IT NOW,
Get a job, ya bum!!!
(sobbing) Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills,
Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
Oh, Jeez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
and finding a Christmas tree.

11 (TV announcer):
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Stale TV specials,
"Batteries no included",
No parking spaces,
I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!,
Bl**dy begging b*ms,
(sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
Five months of bills,
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
and finding a Christmas tree.

12 (TV announcer):
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is ...
Singing Christmas Carols,
Stale TV specials,
"Batteries no included",
No parking spaces,
WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!,
Bl**dy begging b*ms,
(sobbing) Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills,
I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
and finding a Christmas tree.

Christmas Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses during the college bowl system.

Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

Psych Christmas

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town
. . . or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Gifts For Men

[This joke was spotted over at Tiger's blog. Please drop by and pay him a visit - the main page is here.]

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these RULES and you should have no problem:

#1. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

#2. If you cannot afford the above, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay, by the way are you through with my 3/8 socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

#3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

#4. Do not buy men socks. DO NOT BUY MEN TIES. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.

#5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have WORN out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!

#6. Do not buy a man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I' m told they do not stink - they are earthy.

#7. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups, saucers, door, locks, sink" You get the idea. No one knows why.

#8. Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says, "some assembly required," because it will ruin his Special Day. He will always have parts left over.

#9. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will bar-b-que. Get him a monster bar-b-que with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!" The challenge! Who wants a hamburger.

#10. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7(remember what happens when he gets maker.)

#11. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

#12. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says, "I love you," like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Optimist vs Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, one Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Microslosh Announcement

Urgent Microslosh Announcement: Apparently Christmas will be delayed this year due to quality control problems...

[Joke via Email]

Microsoft buys Christmas
NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2004, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Supreme Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows Longhorn"
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2005. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2005] as early as November first."
Christmas 2004 is scheduled for release in December of 2004, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2006. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

Santa Riddles

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Seasonal Greetings (from your lawyer)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee") Please accept without obligation,implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.....and a financially successful,personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calender year 2004, but with due respect for the calenders of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:
*This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
*This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
*This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
*This greeting may not be enforcable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
*This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting whichever comes first.
*The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
*Any reference in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or ficticious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referred third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Scientific Santa

Note:  I have no idea where this joke came from.  As far as I can tell the facts are fairly accurate but I personally don't stand behind any of them.

Is There a Santa Clause?

1. No known species of reindeer that can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Santa Meets Plane

Image from: G'day Cobbers.

How to Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

PC Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op
Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.

We'd welcomed the winter that day after school
By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,

A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet
Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,

Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it
And deck it all out like a seasonal strumpet.

My spouse and I, having turned down the heat,
Slipped under the covers for some well-deserved sleep,

When from out on the lawn there came such a roar
I slipped from my futon and rolled to the floor.

I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch,
And muttered, "Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?"

I saw there below through the murk of the night
A sleigh and eight reindeer, challenged of height.

At the reins of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave
Who treated each deer like some personal slave.

I'd seen him before in some ads for car loans,
Plus fast food, soft drinks and cellular car phones.

He must have cashed in from these mercantile chores,
Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores.

He called each by name, as if 'twere his right
To treat them like chattel enhancing his might:

"Now Donner, now Blitzen," and other such aliases,
Showing his true Euro-centrical biases.

With a snap of his fingers away they all flew,
Like Democrats served up brie or tofu.

Up to the rooftop they carried the sleigh
(The damage to my shingles is there to this day).

Out bounded the man, who went straight to the flue.
I knew in an instant just what I should do.

After donning my slippers, downstairs did I dash
To see this trespasser emerge from the ash.

His clothes were all covered with soot, well of course,
From our wood-fueled alternative energy source.

Through the grime I distinguished the make of his duds--
He was trimmed all in fur, fairly dripping with blood!

"We're a cruelty-free house!" I proclaimed with such heat
He was startled and tripped on the logs at his feet.

He stood back up dazed, but with mirth in his eyes.
It was then that I noticed his unhealthy size.

He was almost as wide as when standing erect,
A lover of fatty fried foods, I suspect.

But that wasn't all to make sane persons choke:
In his teeth sat a pipe that was belching out smoke!

I could scarcely believe what had invaded our house--
This carcinogenic and overweight louse

Was so red in the face from his energy spent,
I expected a coronary right there and then.

Behind him he toted a red velvet bag
Full to exploding with sinister swag.

He asked, "Where is your tree?" with a face somewhat long.
I said, "Out in the yard, which is where it belongs."

"But where will I put all the presents I've brought?"
I looked at him squarely and said, "Take the whole lot

To some frivolous people who think that they need
To succumb to the sickness of commerce and greed,

Whose only joy comes from the act of consuming,
Thus sending the value of retail stocks booming."

He blinked and said, "Ho, ho, ho! But you're kidding."
I gave him a stare that was stern and forbidding.

"Surely children need something with which to have fun?
Or it's like childhood's over before it's begun."

He looked in my eyes for some sign of assent,
But I strengthened my will and refused to relent.

"They have plenty of fun," I cut to the gist,
"And your mindless distractions have never been missed.

They take CPR so that they can save lives,
And they go door-to-door on used clothing drives.

They recycle, renew, reuse and reveal
For saving the planet's a laudable zeal.

When they padlock themselves to a fence to protest
Against nuclear power, we think they're the best."

He said, "But they're children--lo, when do they play?"
I countered, "Is that why you've come in your sleigh,

"To bring joy to the hearts of each child and tot?
All right, open your bag; let's see what you've got."

He sheepishly did as I'd asked and behold!
A Malibu Barbie in a skirt of gold.

"You think that my girls will like playing with this,
An icon of sexist, consumerist kitsch?

With its unnat'ral figure and airheaded grin,
This trollop makes every girl yearn to be thin,

And take up fad diets, bingeing and purging
Instead of respecting her own body's urging

To welcome the shape that her body has found
And rejoice to be lanky, short, skinny or round."

Deep from his satchel he produced up a toy,
Saying, "This is a hit with most every boy."

And what did he put in my trembling hand
But a gun from the BrainBlaster Power Command!

"It's a 'hit,' to be sure," I sneered in his face,
"And a plague and a pox on the whole human race!

How 'bout grenades or some working bazookas
To turn all of our kids into half-wit palookas?"

I seized on his bag just to see for myself
The filth being spread by this odious elf.

An Easy-Bake Oven--ah, goddess, what perfidy!
To hoodwink young girls into household captivity!

Plus an archer play set with shafts that fly out,
The very thing to put a child's eye out.

And toy metal tractors, steam shovels and cranes
For destroying woodlands and scarring the plains,

Plus "games" like Monop'ly, Pay Day, Tycoon,
As if lessons in greed can't start up too soon.

And even more weapons from BrainBlasters Co.,
Like cannons and nun-chucks and ray guns that glow.

That's all I could find in his red velvet sack--
Perverseness and mayhem to set us all back.

"We need none of this," I announced in a huff,
"No 'business-as-usual' holiday stuff.

"We sow in our offspring more virtue than this.
Your goods are things that they'll never miss."

The big man's expression was a trifle bereaved
As he shouldered his pack and got ready to leave.

"I pity the kids who grow up around here,
Who're never permitted to be of good cheer,

Who aren't allowed leisure for leisure's own sake,
But must fret every minute--it makes my heart ache!"

"Enough histrionics! Don't pity our kids
If they don't do as Macys or Toys 'R' Us bids.

They live by their principles first and foremost
And know what's important," to him I did boast.

"Pray, could I meet them?" "Oh no, they're not here.
By now, they're on the roof, liberating your deer!"

At that Santa sputtered and pointed his finger
But, mad as he was, he had no time to linger.

He flew up the chimney like smoke from a fire,
And up on the roof I heard voices get higher.

I ran outside the co-op to see him react
To my children's responsible, kindhearted act.

He chased them away, and disheartened, dismayed,
He rehitched his reindeer (who'd docilely stayed).

I watched with delight as he scooted off then;
He'd be too embarrassed to come back again.

But with parting disdain, do you know what he said,
This overweight huckster when he took off in his sled?

This reindeer enslaver, this exploiter of elves?
"Happy Christmas to all, but get over yourselves!!"

Party Riddles

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !

What party game did Jekyll like best ?
Hyde and Seek !

Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ?
A dog ate him in the hall !

What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party !

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Chick to chick !

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ?
It was a scream !

Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang !

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite ?

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !

Christmas Email

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Do Threats Work?

I mean if you are on the naughty list already, why not try it?

The Christmas Trolls

NORTH POLE RESOLVES LAWSUIT

Counsel for the North Pole Foundation announced the out of court settlement of a civil suit filed by a group called the Christmas Trolls. Proceedings began in January 1986 when the previously unknown troll alliance claimed discriminatory labor practices. NPF agreed to an undisclosed sum and admitted no wrongdoing. The organization’s longtime CEO Mr. Santa Claus did not attend today’s press conference, citing pre-holiday duties.

Three unemployed trolls from Barrow, Alaska had answered a classified ad. "If you're magical, small, and can build toys there's a job for you at the Workshop" the copy had read. The trolls rented sled dogs and made the trek across thin ice. Fifteen elves applied the same day and were all hired. The trolls were turned away.

60 Minutes ran a segment about their plight. A spokesman for Mr. Claus's organization asserted that the trolls had failed the basic skill test. He showed the camera two of the three toys constructed by the trolls: a jack-in-the-box that contained a lifelike tarantula and a hobby warthog. The trolls countered that their third toy had been a teddy bear. "With fangs!" responded the spokesman. Letters to the program overwhelmingly favored Father Christmas. Wrote one viewer, "Trolls are disgusting."

The controversy continued in the supernatural creatures' trade press, only once again making broader headlines. "It's an outrage!" a reporter overheard Mr. Claus exclaim on encountering picketing trolls outside a Juneau restaurant. "You should crawl back under a bridge and eat billy goats!" Reports of the incident swept across Alaska, becoming an international scandal when six of the troll protesters proved to be Canadian citizens. "Yes, I like trolls in principle," Mr. Claus said in a notorious impromptu interview, "as long as they know their place. Have you ever smelled one of them?"

The Christmas Trolls then formed an unlikely alliance with the Anti-Defamation League of B'nai B'rith. UPI editors mistook the press release for a prank, but the charges were serious. They asserted not only that Santa was personally prejudiced against trolls but that he had been a Nazi sympathizer. Mr. Claus had delivered gifts to Hitler Youth, rewarded French and Dutch collaborators, and charted an aerial course directly over the Warsaw Ghetto while noting the missed opportunity to provide food drops. "Bad or good my a**," scrawled one troll on a fax cover sheet to the New York Times. This comment may have been responsible for the paper's decision not to run the story.

Despite continuing media blunders the Christmas Trolls were winning in court. Subsequent filings included documentation that 97.2 percent of the NPF employees were elves and that Santa claimed ethnic affiliation as a "right jolly old elf." A disgruntled gnome who once worked in the kitchen came forward to testify. "They'll hire you if you ain't an elf, but you better be cute and you sure ain't gettin' into the union. Dishwasher, janitor, maybe a filing clerk. That's it."

Attorneys for NPF supplied evidence that 30,000 human helpers were hired as independent contractors to represent Mr. Claus each December. "Elves constitute less than 10 percent of the actual work force." Two other gnomes and a leprechaun, all current employees, testified that NPF was an exemplary employer. After a preliminary ruling favored the trolls, NPF's law firm of Grinch, Humbug, and Scrooge won dismissal on the grounds that the North Pole is international territory. The trolls had filed under Alaskan law.

The World Court refused to hear the case, stating that neither side represented a sovereign government. From 1995 to 1997 the case was dead. The trolls of Barrow, Alaska had exhausted their savings. One even took a job with a carnival side show. While on tour she met a Fairbanks attorney who revived the issue as a slander lawsuit.

Although the North Pole Foundation avoided further public scandal, rumors spread and institutional contributions dwindled. Negotiations for corporate sponsorship also ended abruptly. Said a public relations representative from NPF, "We really didn't think a Mattel Christmas sleigh was appropriate anyway."

Leaks from both sides tell that the legal impasse was broken when all three of the original trolls decided they no longer had any desire to work at the North Pole. NPF signed a pledge that future troll applicants would be considered fairly.

In response to a Wall Street Journal reporter's question about waning American corporate donations, the NPF representative answered, "This had nothing to do with our decision to settle the case. Over half the toys we deliver come from Taiwan and Japan."

At that moment a stray microphone picked up one attorney's cellular phone. "That d***ed Ford Foundation. It's a troll front," growled the distinct voice of Mr. Claus.

"Remember your grandmother," his lawyer Mr. Grinch hissed. "She was a troll too." The words echoed from the auditorium speakers.

A long silence filled the hall. "This'll be one for the spin doctors," somebody mumbled.

The visibly shaken elf spokesman then attempted to reassure the press that children around the world would not bear the cost of the settlement. A lone troll at the back of the room interrupted to throw switches and coal, hollering, "'Fess up. Only the really good tykes get goodies this year!"

Authorities booked the heckler for disorderly conduct. Activists called the arrest a fresh outrage and vowed to reveal the ugly truth about Santa's Workshop. "We're gonna troll that ancient yuletide carol, capisce?"

Christmas Riddles

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Downsizing Christmas

TO: Public Release
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will
not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Unix Admins / Santa

There are some very strange similarities between the UNIX administrators where I work and Santa. Maybe that is what Santa does the rest of the time and would certainly explain why it is so hard to find an UNIX admin when you need one - they were actually attending meetings at the North Pole.

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

And of course (being a UNIX admin) I have to point out that: "Underneath, Santa is a really cool dude who cares about people" :-)

Christmas Grinch

Test to see if you are a Grinch:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

The Fight Before Christmas

'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house
the tension was rising 'tween in-laws and spouse.

Expecting the onslaught, she'd shopped, wrapped, and baked,
Mom verged on exhaustion, her back cramped and ached.
"This year will be perfect!" determined she vowed
Then she lined up her brood, and she ordered aloud,

"Now, listen up, kids! Clean your ears, so you'll hear it!
You'll stop all your whining and get into the spirit!"

Their kinfolk were traveling from locales afar,
to watch little Jen as she held up the Star,
Jeremiah as drummer, and Jimmy as goat,
and the rest of the rugrats playing Heavenly Host.
The pastor who cast them, though 'twas said he was braver
didn't trust Baby Paul to portray the sweet Savior.

Now the eve of the holiday pageant had come.
The mock angels fluttered, the wee drummer drummed,
and drummed and he drummed until Mom thought she'd throttle
that dear little drummer or go drown in a bottle.

Their haloes cocksure, they were ready to go.
Aunt Tessie glanced out, "Oooo, it's starting to snow!"
So back to the closet for twenty-two boots,
while Gramps sneaked to the sideboard for a couple of snoots.

Dad paced with impatience, beating tracks on the floor.
Julie rushed from the house, clipped one wing in the door.
Momma, on round-up, was prodding the herd.
Julie wailed with dismay, "I WILL LOOK LIKE A NERD!"

Loading four vans full, they skidded to church,
side-swiping two carolers, came to rest with a lurch,
and disgorged the uncles, the cousins and aunties,
the angels and livestock, three Wisemen, and Granny.

When all were assembled they commanded three pews.
Freckled shepherds processed and proclaimed the Good News.
Momma leaned on Dad's shoulder, her stamina tested;
on the other, the video camera was rested.
Training its lens on his offspring with pride,
disgruntled he found there was no tape inside.

He cursed much too loud for his present location.
His pious Aunt Phoebe prayed for his salvation.
Granny sighed disappointment, "Tsk, tsk, what a shame."
Momma glared at her husband, volleyed bullets of blame.

Dad was soundly upbraided by a clan 'twas adjacent
Poor pastor feared rightly that brouha' was nascent.
The man behind bellowed, "Sit down in the front."
Dad howled, "Go to blazes, you overgrown punk."

How the threats escalated, I haven't a hunch.
And no one remembers who threw the first punch.
But the fray that ensued was a Mother of All
right up to the altar, 'round the heavenly stall.

Fur and feathers were flying, taunts rang through the air.
There was gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair.
The peace of nativity wrenched by the roar,
the manger upsot, dolly rolled 'cross the floor.
The choir tried vainly to scream out the lines,
of the old-fashioned favorite, 'The Tie That Binds.'

Soon the kids took their cue from their fathers and mothers,
And the air became littered with the straw and the fodder.
Young oxen were kicking, little donkeys were braying,
the shepherds' rods snapped and poor pastor was praying.

Once innocent angels from heaven were falling,
and even wee Drummer was biting and brawling.
The candlesticks tottered, the altar was battered,
the tree lying prone, pastor's vestments were tattered.

Then sweet, one-winged Julie, fearing huge conflagration,
was sparked by the blaze of Divine inspiration.
She gathered up all of the cherubs, I'm told,
and began tearing one wing from each little shoulder.

When the dust finally settled, only one light remained,
A lone Christmas candle whose heavenly flame
bathed the children in gold, with arms 'round each other,
turning angels with black eyes to sisters and brothers.
Their timorous voices sang out, 'Silent Night,'
overpowering the fracas and ending the fight.

So this story of angels with singleton wings,
who like the blest infant, humbled powerful kings,
taught a lesson of love to the grown-ups that night:
Only Bearing Each Other Up, Can We Take Flight.

And the pastor blessed all, waved them home with relief,
"Merry Christmas. Go Home. And May God Grant You Peace!"

Brooklyn Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect,
"Merry Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"

Random Review

Jivha had a competition and the winner did a guest post (the same thing applies here, solve a mid-week mystery and you can have a free post - although most winners don't take up the option) which starts with:

Winning the caption contest and getting to post on Jivha's blog is like winning the theological sweepstakes and getting to talk to God - you have all these things to say, but when face to face with the almighty you can't remember a single goddamn thing and you end up posting something like this.

and then shows a brilliant cartoon. Check it out....

Christmas Blogging

Hey it's (almost) Christmas Eve and I have to work (half day). I just want to get into the Christmas mood with as little effort as possible. Given the heat that probably means lying on the floor near the air cooler with an esky of cold beer. As for going into the computer room heat to post blog articles - you've got to be kidding. So here's the deal. I will post a joke every half hour today (from now) and then you probably won't hear from me again until I get back to work on the 29th. I figure 50 jokes today ought to make up for a quiet four days. Why am I doing this? I want to prove to myself that I am not:

Totally Addicted to My Blog
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Totally addicted to my Blog!

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Totally addicted to my Blog!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm totally addicted to my Blog!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to my Bllllogggg!!! (Yeah)

Because I'm a Man

I found this lovely post over at Cynical Cyn (which is still really hard to read due to some CSS problem). There are only two problems - (1) Cynical Cyn is not male and (2) she thought this was humorous as opposed to serious. All you guys had better head over there and enlighten her.....

If this weren't so close to the truth, it would be a lot funnier!!
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If it has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. (Though one time I was able to survive, by holding a calculator.)

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

I think Cynical Cyn missed "mow the lawn" in the list of activities.....

Friday 5

I am catching up. Here is the most recent Friday 5 - and I am pleased that my fake Friday 5 was right on the money :-)

1. List your five favorite beverages.
Am I allowed to shay whiskey, whishkey, wizzkey, wishme, whash-is-name?
No?
Ok. Whiskey, Coffee (but off limits at the moment*), Ginger Beer, Apple Cider, Fosters Light Ice (Beer).

2. List your five favorite websites.
That would be telling and I might hurt some readers feelings. I guess the sites I read the most often would be: All AgitProp, Jivha and The SMH but I make it a rule of thumb to check all the sites on the blogroll on a regular basis - most via their RSS feeds.

3. List your five favorite snack foods.
What snack foods? I like chocolate ginger and liquorice. Other things come and go as occasional favourites. I used to like icecream but I now have to substitute gelato(*).

4. List your five favorite board and/or card games.
I used to play 500 (Euchre) for money at uni. I enjoy monopoly but rarely win. I play chess with my 6 year old (if I spot him a queen, he can beat me). I used to play a lot of othello and scrabble.

5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games.
Well at the moment that would be EUII (bit too long to play - I only play to an unbeatable position and then give up), HOMM IV, HOMM III, Stronghold, Caesar III. Basically anything that involes some type of strategy. Thinking of trying SimCity 4 (played older versions a lot) and I am playing the Sims with my kids (they are having fun designing houses).

* The coffee is off-limits because I developed an intolerance for lactose after some flu medication last winter and I can't drink it black without getting heartburn. I am currently substituting Soyacccino (coffee-flavoured soymilk).

Diplomacy vs Action

If I remember it correctly there is an English saying:

Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you can find a big stick.
Debate is the art of hitting the dog with the stick until it gives up.

If you don't have the big stick you may end up having to say 'nice doggy' for a very long time and you may still end up loosing your arm.

There are a whole bunch of iriots (combines iraq and idiot) who are running around saying that diplomacy would have worked if given a chance - after all it worked with Qaddafi (Libya). I think this is (borrowing another classic phrase) putting the cart before the horse(*). Diplomacy would not; could not; and did not have work with Libya prior to the doggy sighting the whopping big stick that was being waved in Iraq. All of a sudden realisation dawned that the US would no longer be hobbled by the twits in France and the UN. All the protection provided by France (who was trading with Iraq like nobodies business) meant nothing if the US was prepared to act unilaterally (which it did). Hence the appearance of common sense in Libya. For a far more detailed (and much better written) commentary, check out: USS Clueless:

Diplomacy can accomplish much. Those who claim that now are not wrong. What's wrong is what they're leaving out: diplomacy is usually much more effective when backed by a credible threat of force. What the Chinese/Russians/et-al are trying to do is to downplay that aspect of this diplomatic triumph, and to ignore the fact that what finally made Qaddafi capitulate was not ferocious scowling from continental Europe or years of trade sanctions. It was naked fear of the US Marines, and the realization that the 9/11 attack had made America willing to use them or other forces it has against nations it thought were non-imminent threats. (Like Libya.)
The Weasels are trying to use a triumph of the threat of force as a demonstration of why you don't need threats of force. But it won't work, because they can't explain why they themselves could not do what Blair's government actually did, and why this agreement happened when it did. They can ignore the "coincidence" of events in Iraq, but no one else will.
This is yet another major defeat for the forces who oppose us in the war, and a complete vindication forthose who think it is better to negotiate from a position of strength than from a position of weakness.

* Do Americans call it a cart? In English you catch a tram (American trolley) and you shop with a trolly (American cart) and you put a cart after a horse not in front of it (American carriage?).

Visitor 5K

The 5Kth visitor (since the new counter was set up) was also from Canada (just like the 4Kth visitor). This time the search was for the phrase "courier jokes" which looks like a reference to Aussie Courier (not that he is a joke but he is a courier and he tells jokes).

It will be painful to reset the counter and start this all over again ....

Friday Five

I have been slack and missed two of these in a row.... Here for you reading pleasure is the most recent bar one and I'll try and catch up the other one soon....

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?
I wish. What cold weather and snow? No use dreaming of a White Christmas when it is 40° C (105° F) in the shade. I did enjoy a cold Christmas about 10 years ago - I was in Europe.

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?
I want a white christmas with cool weather but I will settle for a few tinnies down at the beach (a lá this post).

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?
Drinking beer. Nope, that is an all-year round tradition. Visiting rellies? Christmas decos (up on the first Sunday in Advent, down by the sixth of January). Trying to ignore the santas in every shopping center.

4. Do you do anything to help the needy?
Yup but most of that is personal stuff. This year my wife has asked for all her gifts to be converted into charitable donations. Things are a bit tight this year (with the prospect of unemployment looming) but we still try to do the right thing...

5. What one gift would you like for yourself?
Well I'd like a new powerbook (this one is getting a bit long in the tooth) but we cannot spend that much. I settle for some quality time with the family that does not involve settling fights between the kids....

Australian Geek Song

This time of year can be particularly hard for Australians. Walking from a 40 degree heat into an slightly cooler air-conditioned shop and then hearing the old 'White Christmas' song. No chance mate. And what about this 'Jingle Bell' with sleighs. You've gotta be kidding.

So I figured I had better post a non-religious song for all the computer nerds geeks out there which has an Australian tune (but nothing to do with Christmas). This was originally sent to me by my sister in the UK (sung to "Waltzing Matilda"):

Once a password hacker sat by a terminal,
Under the shade of a binary tree
And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled,
"You'll come a-cracking computers with me"

[Chorus] "Cracking computers, hacking computers,
You'll come a-cracking computers with me''
And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled,
"You'll come a-cracking computers with me".

Down came a user, to login to that terminal,
Up sat the hacker, and watched him with glee
And he sang as he saved that password in a datafile,
"You'll come a-cracking computers with me"

[Chorus]

In came the sysop, watching on his monitor,
In came a super-user or three
"Oh whose is that password, you've got in your datafile?
You've been a-cracking computers I see!"

[Chorus]

Up jumped the hacker, turned off his terminal.
"You'll never catch me online" said he!
But his code can be heard as you login to that terminal.
"Who'll come a-cracking computers with me?''

[Chorus]

Men vs Women

[In the hunt for Christmas jokes, I found this really old story - I still like it and maybe you will too...]

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a freakin garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a freakin warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh, I feel so....."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Blog Roundup

Gday, this is a short roundup because I have been flat out preparing for the Christmas Eve Marathon. Speaking of which, I am about 6 jokes short so if you have any Christmas jokes, send them over....

Speaking of jokes, newcomer The Cheese Stands Alone (must have been a referral) has a fantastic story on how to wash your cat in eight easy steps. Biggest surprise was that the first comment on this article was from me mate in Montreal. Actually the cat instructions almost tempt me into getting a cat so as to keep the toilet bowl clean :-) There is also a lovely link to this story which is a conversion of the old light-bulb story converted into a blog story. Apparently the cheese is also friends with Da Goddess (who got an airing last week from memory and who also has an Australian connection).

Enough circular references, I want to move on to When I Paint My Masterpiece where the author is reassuring her readers that they "do not really matter in my scheme of things". That is a "low blow" to the esteem of her readers but the context is interesting. Basically, her family are concerned about the family image portrayed in the blog. This is an interesting debate because I refrain from revealing too much about my family for exactly the same reasons. On the other side we have this post over at VRWC where the author is pushing the opposite view. I think there is a middle ground that you need to reach, creating a completely false identity is hard and maintaining it is even harder. Maybe there is a middle ground where the blog does not reveal as much as the communications with the readers do. There are several bloggers whose real identity appears in personal correspondence but never on the blog. Melodrama also reminds us that Australia is now on the slippery downward slope (we lost the Rugby and the Cricket....)

Now I am still undecided about the 'second bite of the cherry rule' (disallowing double performances) but in the meantime we seem to need to trip over to Tiger: Raggin; & Rantin'. This last week, Tiger left some advice over on this post and he mentioned "sending a bill". Noting that his url contains the word 'law', I joked via email that he must be a lawyer. Well he is. Opps. Guess that makes two intelligent lawyers I know (Steve is the other one). I might have to stop with the lawyer jokes (but I do have a good lawyer story to share at some point in time). Apparently Tiger has been to see LOTR3 (which leaves me as the only blogger I know who hasn't) and he tells a fine story about how to fill in the time before the film :-) To top it off the previous post discusses the hangover effects of drinking rum and blames the impurities rather than the alcohol. That sounds like a uncle, many many years ago, who had bad arthritis and used to swear by rum as the best medicine. "After just one bottle of rum", he would slur, "you get two days of relief". The first day you were too drunk to notice it and the second day your head hurt more than the arthritis.... Anyway, reading further down, you can discover that the reason for drinking the rum was missing LOTR the first time - another circular problem. Finally we get on to the important topic of what to buy the man in your life, let's hope my wife sees this one.... Actually come to think of that, I could use that as one of my missing jokes (with attribution of course).

Next cab off the rank is PD: You ... relax who has some travel tips for those travelling to Singapore from Australia. Given that he also has photos of Singapore, we can safely assume that he went for a visit which implies that the travel tips should be top notch. Actually one of my non-blogging mates is in (or just back from) Singapore so I'd better check and say g'day to him this week sometime (if you are reading this Milos, give us a call when you get back). He also has a sensible suggestion for coping with the Sydney heat. I reckon we could start a Sydney bloggers meeting ....

The big news over at Utterly Boring would have to be the saga of Jake's back. Due to all sorts of complications, Jake has had to have an operation on his back and he is struggling with all the medical bills - here in Australia, there is a Health Insurance net (Medicare) which although fairly useless, it does cater for those who otherwise couldn't afford to have surgery. In this case, Jake's doctor came to the party (pro bono I think) but there are still lots of other bills and charges (like the anaesthetist and the MRI). I would encourage anyone who can spare a few bucks to pop over and click his donate button. The good news is that the operation appears to have worked and things are improving (except for the financial side). Jake has always been a source of amazing amounts of trivia and also really practical advice - like how to automate posting with MT.

Out of interest, if you are looking for more Australian stories you could check out this legend from DaGoddess (or you could email me and ask for more stories).

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Rugby World Cup Again (Sorry)

I just couldn't resist this post over at All AgitProp:

HEH.
Royal Mail Sticks It to Australia Rugby Fans

Britain's Royal Mail Friday issued a set of commemorative 68 pence stamps that feature scenes of England's nail-biting 20-17 victory over their historic rivals in Sydney on November 22.
"In case you hadn't realized, the 68p stamps are just the right value to send to any friend you might have in Australia," Royal Mail said in a statement, stoking the friendly rivalry between the sides.

That is funny on so many levels... *Snort*

I am starting to think I will need a separate category for World Cup posts - there have been so many of them!

Saddam, made in the USA?

Come on, we all know that Saddam only came to power because he was originally backed by the US? Right? Apparently not. Check out How the US Armed Iraq for an interesting read. Looks to me like France has a lot more to answer for than the USA but maybe I can't read ....

Quiz of the Week(end)

Oregon is a nice place, isn't it? Yes, it is. You
should live there. So should I. As of now
it's not crowded, but you never know. So
ummmm, ok...Oregon....yeah.


What State Is Perfect For You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Job Application

Yesterday we had the reference, today we have the (slightly edited) job application for a position in McKentuckyKing. According to Aussie Courier, this is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME:  Fred
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $285,000 a year plus stock options and a golden parachute.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in California with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

The email had a lovely signature line as well:
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. - Jean Gieraudoux

Flirting

Over at the ever-entertaining Jaboobie (and a Two Hard Boiled Eggs), there is a post advising women on how to flirt with men. The key to the whole thing is right near the top of the post:

Women are so much more subtle about flirting clues that men need to really pay attention. Ladies, men are not used to women flirting with them.

Men are just not as observant as women. Another woman will sport your first attempts at flirting while leaving the bloke completely in the dark. Can anyone see a problem here?

Check for a wedding ring. If he is wearing it (as opposed to hiding it or not having one), you may be better off trying the flirt exercise elsewhere because long before he realises what is going on, his other half will have spotted you. When she does, she won't mention it to you but she'll start recording the details and then afterwards he is going to cop the lot (even if he still has no idea what was happening). In the car on the way home:

Her: Why were you flirting with that girl?
Him: Which girl?

Note: This is the wrong thing to say - she will assume you were flirting with other girls as well.

Her: The blonde at the bar.
Him: I didn't see a blonde at the bar.
Her: She was showing her legs.
Him: Were they as nice as yours?

Note: Really good response here but he is still in trouble.

Her: She was fluttering her eyelashes.
Him: Is that what women do when they flirt? You never do that to me....

Note: Really bad response - he may be walking home after that one....

Her: You must have seen her.
Him: Do you mean the ugly one with too much makeup?
Her: So you did see her....

Note: He really needs to change the topic because this is one of those no-win situations (like the "do I look fat in this outfit?" question).

Seriously ladies, if you seem some chick flirting with your man, he may not be aware of what is going on. Remember that unlike you he is single-tasking and right now he is trying to work out how to drink, talk and move back to his seat which is obviously overload on a male brain. Give him the benefit of the doubt and deal with the husband-stealing-flirt instead.....

Reference

Have you ever been caught by someone wanting a reference? You really want to say no but you can't? I can remember being called by a head-hunter for a reference on a guy that I had worked with once. He didn't ask to use my name as a referee and I did not have a high opinion of the bloke:

HH: I believe you used to work with Fred?
Me: Yup.
HH: He has applied for a job and nominated you as a referee.
Me: Wow.
HH: Would you say he was hard working and a good team player.
Me: Not in a million years.
HH: Really?
Me: I have known desk chairs that work harder ....

Anyway, you often can't do this because the person is present during the interview but the following email joke [from Aussie Courier] even handles that problem neatly:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

By the way, when people ask first, I do let them know what I would say when called and give them a copy of any written recommendation .... including addendum :-)

Ground speed?

A kind reader emailed me an aircraft joke (in response to the post on the Wright brothers). It was sitting in my inbox until I got a chance to deal with it and then I noticed this link to this page which appears to be a possible source of the joke. Check out that link because there are more jokes there.

In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace."

"Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day.. as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." "There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us? " There was a longer than normal pause....

"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

Hope you enjoyed that story ....

Guest Question(s)

[Ed: In some email correspondance with the Gray Monk I had mentioned that I was seeking to be trained in my local church as an acolyte, hence the questions below...]

a) Why an Acolyte? I'm sure that you could qualify for Lay Deacon at least.

I'll start with the technical definitions:
Acolyte:

An acolyte is a cleric promoted to the fourth and highest minor order in the Latin Church, ranking next to a subdeacon. The chief offices of an acolyte are to light the candles on the altar, to carry them in procession, and during the solemn singing of the Gospel; to prepare wine and water for the sacrifice of the Mass; and to assist the sacred ministers at the Mass, and other public services of the Church. In the ordination of an acolyte the bishop presents him with a candle, extinguished, and an empty cruet, using appropriate words expressive of these duties. Altar boys are often designated as acolytes and perform the duties of such. The duties of the acolyte in Catholic liturgical services are fully described in the manuals of liturgy, e.g. Pio Matinucci, "Manuale Sacrarum Caeremoniarum" (Rome, 1880), VI, 625; and De Herdt, "Sacrae Liturgiae Praxis" (Louvain, 1889), II, 28-39.

Deacon:

It began with the seven Deacons. The historical beginning of Deacon ministry is recorded in Acts (6:1-6). At that time the number of disciples was growing. Friction developed between the Greek & Hebrew followers because their widows were being neglected in the daily distribution of food. So the twelve apostles called together the community of disciples and said, “It is not right for us to neglect the word of God to serve at table. Brothers, select from among you seven reputable men, filled with the Spirit and wisdom, whom we shall appoint to this task, whereas we shall devote ourselves to prayer and ministry of the word.� The proposal was accepted by the whole community, so they chose Stephen, a man filled with faith and the Holy Spirit, also Philip, Prochorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parenas, and Nicholas of Antioch. They presented these men to the Apostles who prayed and laid hands on them. The term that was used to describe Stephen and the others selected was the Greek word diacona, which is translated as servant or minister. This is the root of the word Deacon.

For more information try: Australian Catholic Deacons Association.

b) Who selects them in the RC Diocese of Sydney?
AFAIK an acolyte can be appointed at any time by a priest or higher. Effectively an acolyte is an alter server and is not ordained (i.e. it is a minor order). Selection of a deacon is more complex and includes (again AFAIK) theological education.

c) What are the qualities they look for?
Now we get the easy ones. Try this link for all the details and this one for the precise requirements.

d) Are they members of the Guild of St Stephen?
There is a lay organisation in Australia called the "Guild of St. Stephen" but I have no idea if it is associated with deacons (or acolytes). There is no mention of the guild in the other pages I found on deacons. Interestingly, in the UK, the Guild of St. Stephen does cover acolytes: try this link.

Whew. I had to do quite a bit of searching and I hope that the answers are what you were looking for ....

More on Iraq

While we are still talking about Iraq, what about this post by Steve H. One minute everyone (read the mainstream media) is saying that the US should pull out of Iraq because the locals are perfectly competent to run their own country and the next minute they are saying that the locals would not be able to hold a trial of an ex-dictator. I don't know about you but I think that holding a "fair" trial is somewhat easier than running an entire country and ultimately the Iraqi people need to accept and deal with Saddam themselves. Someone else taking over (like the US) or dictating terms (like the UN) is just interference and I think Bush is right to let the Iraqi's deal with it themselves (unless they make the mistake of re-electing Saddam to power).

As for the bleeding hearts who are arguing against a death penalty - what is the alternative? As long as Saddam is alive, he will be a threat to the stability of the region and besides it is not your choice (or my choice), it should be the choice of the people that he ruthlessly controlled for so long. Ultimately he needs to responsibly face the consequences of his past. Seriously, this is one case where (1) you do not want a repeat offender and (2) there is not going to be any serious doubt as to guilt or innocence.

Co-operation?

I just couldn't resist passing on these comments from Steven Den Beste:

In the aftermath of Saddam's capture, suddenly France and Germany are willing to cooperate on reducing Iraq's debt. One has to wonder whether James Baker might not be offering this deal: the US won't reveal what Saddam says about his friends in those nations and how they helped him against the US, if those friends stop being obstructionist pricks regarding US efforts in Iraq.

Only a few days ago France and Germany were whining about not being allowed to participate in the rebuilding program (because they opposed the "liberation" of Iraq) and now they are singing a different tune.....

Life Without Microslosh

There is a really interesting story over at Cnet about a company that went open source. What is interesting is that this was not in response to pricing or quality or geek/nerd advice - it was a counter reaction to the heavy handed tactics of the BSA. The deal was that this company was "invaded" by the BSA (Business Software Alliance) with warrants and inspectors to check for licence compliance. Due to the standard practice of passing around older PC's without completely wiping them and buying new software, they were found to be in breach (estimate 6 machines out of 72 if I can remember my maths). There was lots of publicity and the company ended up settling for large chunks of money. As the boss says:

What I really thought is that you ought to treat people the way you want to be treated. I couldn't treat a customer the way Microsoft dealt with me...I went from being a pro-Microsoft guy to instantly being an anti-Microsoft guy.

End result of the audit debacle:

Humiliated by the experience, Ball told his IT department he wanted Microsoft products out of his business within six months. "I said, 'I don't care if we have to buy 10,000 abacuses,'" recalled Ball, who recently addressed the LinuxWorld trade show. "We won't do business with someone who treats us poorly."

They did it and have been successful since. What are you waiting for? An audit from the BSA thugs?

[Ed: Please don't assume that I condone piracy. I think (as does the CEO concerned) that in the event of a violation of licence terms that there should be some way of resolving it equitably - which is not what happened in this case. I also feel that in some cases the licence agreements need to be made more realistic - if I buy software X and install it and then sell that PC (and the software and the disks), that licence should transfer to the new owner - it doesn't in most cases and the guy who bought your PC is now in breach unless he / she scrubs the disk and buys the software all over again....]

Saddam Advert

The pictures of Saddam in the paper almost make me feel sorry for him - he is an old man and he has lots his kids and grandkids. He is facing a trial and to help pay for the lawyers, he is seeking corporate sponsorship - or at least that is the claim of an email received yesterday containing this image (click for larger picture):

Odds and Sods ....

Some days there is a real shortage of material that inspires a blogging effort (usually when you are bored and feel like having a good rant about something). Other days (like today) there is a wealth of material out there but no time to do anything about it. What tends to happen is that my browser tab-line becomes over-saturated with "things I want to blog about". Well it has happened and I don't have time for a long post so here are a bunch of short items all rolled up together....

First there was the great fantastic news in the SCO trial. Basically the judge has order SCO to identify the code they claim has been copied which is what the Open Source Community has been asking for all along.

Next up there is an excellent suggestion for modifying copyright and making it work.

Then we have a fantastic list for those interested in SciFi (checkout the comments for additional suggestions including mine).

There is an explanation of political name calling over at Jivha's blog that is worth checking out.

Finally we have another flying story to follow up this recent entry.

Normally each of these topics would qualify for a full post but I don't have enough time and they are all worthy of a mention. Just imagine that I did a full entry on them ....

Mid-week Mystery

OK, this is the last of the feathered bird shots and you have to answer correctly to win. Partial answers will not (this week) be accepted. This is yet another Australian native bird - what is it and what does it live? (Click photo for larger image)

Yeah, I know it is another easy one but it is running up to Christmas. I have a goodie for next week though.....

DIY Cruise Missile

A long time ago (in June), there was a post about a Kiwi building his own missile in the back yard:

First up is a story about a home made cruise missile. I am sure the comment from the NZAF is because they want to purchase some of these to launch at Australia. The quoted price is cheaper than anything they can buy in the international arms market.

There have been some more recent developments and apparently due to pressure applied to the NZ government by the Bush administration, the Kiwi has beenforced into hiding. There is a forum (follow the link) where you can ask questions and apparently testing is still scheduled to proceed.

[Update: I forgot to mention that I found the link via The Register.]

What is a Flappy Bird

There have been a couple of emails and a comment about what a 'Flappy Bird' might be and what the heck that has to do with prizes and so forth. There is a blog "game" called the The Blogosphere Ecosystem which is run by Mr NZ Bear. It contains a number of categories based on evolutionary stages (in order from highest to lowest) which are:

A new blog is registered in the game and starts off as an Insignificant Microbe. On a periodic basis the blog is checked for incoming and outgoing links. Due to a recent change, these links must be unique (i.e. linking to a single post 10 times doesn't help). The total number of unique links that point to you are like votes. The more votes you get, the higher you go. At the highest levels the cut-off point between categories appears to be based on the number of entrants, at lower levels it is based on the number of links only. The top category (Higher Beings) has the top 10 blogs (current cut-off is 922 votes), the next category has 20 blogs (current cut-off is 546), then Playful Primate has 70 blogs (current cut-off is 278). A flappy bird has between 32 and 44 votes (AFAIK).

You can check on your votes by finding your blog in the Ecosystem (for my blog there is a link over on the right). I currently have 34 inbound unique links (and Busy Mom the blog that beat me is now a Marsupial with 65 links). Things that a blogger can do to help other bloggers include having more entries on your main page, maintaining a blogroll, putting trackbacks / comments on the main page (only the main page is scanned).

Some of the weblog awards this year were awarded in categories based on the ecosystem. Hence I was being compared with blogs that should have (all other things being equal) a similar number of readers and a similar level of popularity. That means even small blogs had a chance to win an award....

Hope that explains it all....

Weblog Awards (Final)

Well the official results are available at WizBangBlog and the winner (in the same category as G'Day Mate) is:

I have made a little button so I can boast about coming second:

Getting Older

Do you sometimes feel that as you get older you get dumber? I certainly do. My grandpa used to joke and say there were two things that happen as grow older, the first things is your memory goes and he couldn't remember the other one. Anyway, I feel I am getting dumber faster and thanks to Jake at Utterly Boring, I have found the answer: Powerpoint Presentations.

So next time you are sitting in a presentation just imagine those IQ points dissolving :-)

BTW Jake is having major back surgery at the moment so keep him in your prayers and thoughts.

Poll Results

The poll to chose the main page logo is over. Voting closed when the poll article slipped off the main page (yesterday) and despite frantic vote stuffing (right through to the last minute) the results are:

Coincidently the number of votes matched the number in the blog competition except that the vote stuffing in that competition was rolled back :-)

The new image should be up sometime today (other events permitting).

Thanks

G'day,

I figured today was going to be a royal pain of a day. I even had some of that "I hate you" comment spam (what was the point of that?). Then I checked my email / comments to find some more friendly material - thanks - that really makes my day.

I have a union meeting this morning and a business lunch so posting / reading may be fairly light until later this evening.

Link Love

Apparently this is the season to review links, everybody is getting into it an cleaning up their blogrolls. Well I figured that was as good a time as any to introduce some Christmas cheer into the whole thing. So here are the G'Day Mate Guidelines (for the blog roll):

1. I link to relatives - that's family business. If you are in the (extended) family, and I don't already link to you, let me know..... If you are not in the family but you are single and female, I still have one unattached brother..... If you are into family history I have stuff on various surnames (mainly Australian).

2. If I read your blog and like it, I may link to it anyway. The link may vanish at any time unless rule 3 applies.

3. If you link to me, I will link back until one day when I happen to notice that you no longer link to at least one of the blogs ("G'Day Mate", "G'Day Mate - Reviews" or "G'Day Mate - Archive").

If you feel that I have overlooked you (or forgotten to link), email me and let me know. If you hunt round you can find my email address but to save you the trouble you could try GdayMate AT internode (that's my ISP) DOT on DOT net. Or if you don't want to type a lot, just comment on a post - I'll see it and I usually respond within 4 to 5 days (depending on workload).

What about the Blog Roundup? Well, especially for new blogs, the blog roundup helps to get a few links which pushes you up the ecosystem which means you get more readers which means .... The Blog Roundup posts hang around for a while (because they are weekly instead of daily) which makes them more useful than a casual reference in a regular post. How do you get involved? Try leaving a comment. Or a trackback. I use an automated process to randomly select a pre-determined number of links (normally 5 or 10) from all of the links on the three index pages. Given the public visibility of comments and trackbacks, that is a good way to start. Equally referrers can get a hit (on the archive blog) and of course entries in the blog roll.

What about content? Well I guess if I am not interested in reading your material then there isn't a lot of point linking to each other because the feeling will probably be mutual. I don't understand American politics all that well (although Kynn Bartlett has been educating me) so a pure politics blog isn't that thrilling - a mix of politics and other stuff is fine. I do like "personal glimpses" more than just link-blogs. I am not into "porn" or material that I would be embarrassed to share with my wife. I guess if you take a quick trip through some of my material, you can get a fairly good idea of what fits.

Any questions, please ask (and be patient, I get close to 100 emails a day from non-blogging activities).

What Muppet are You?

There is a Blog Roundup posted - go and enjoy it ....

In it there is a reference to a muppet quiz and I just had to take it ... unexpected result (which happens to match Jay Solo):

You are Kermit the Frog.
You are reliable, responsible and caring. And you
have a habit of waving your arms about
maniacally.

FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:
"Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and
"Sheesh!"
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"How Green Was My Mother"

LAST BOOK READ:
"Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to the
Internet"

HOBBIES:
Sitting in the swamp playing banjo.

QUOTE:
"Hmm, my banjo is wet."


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Blog Roundup

Here we go with a full version of the blog roundup. I have spent most of the weekend doing family / Christmas type things and that has not left a lot of time for blogging and this is sort of running late (but it is still Sunday in America).

I want to start with an article which I read early in the week over at 'USS Clueless' which is a always a great read. I just wish the RSS feed had a brief summary of the article because sometimes the title is not enough to grab my interest (I avoid reading most of the American political stuff because I don't understand the players well enough to participate). Anyway, in this post Steven Den Beste outlines the reasons why China won't (or can't) invade Taiwan. It is a well thought out article but a number of my Asian friends feel that he is overstating the case regarding the preservation of Taiwan's industry. They are convinced that if the Chinese leadership feel that they have lost too much "face" then they would happily nuke Taiwan and destroy the lot.

I have been looking and looking and I have no idea where Tram Townthis link comes from. Maybe it is a referral site or it is a comment that I have overlooked. Nevertheless it is worth checking out - it has short pointers to news items, most of which have some Australian theme. Examples include posts on the senate and the (not-very) United Nations). In the process of checking the site out, I found this reference to this story which contains an interesting quote:

A strange sidenote is that many Asian passengers feel that deleted staff are racist in their treatment of Asian passengers. A common theme among many flight reports is that they seemed to be unfriendly towards them. I've got news for you guys:
They aren't racist, they treat everyone like shit.

This rings a real bell because often I have had to convince my Asian friends (and relatives) that someone else is not necessarily racist - they treat everybody equally badly.

Da Goddess has an elephant story worth reading - apparently the elephants are hijacking trucks! Also on the animal theme there is a post on red-legged frogs (and no that is not a reference to the French). On a more serious note there is a well written book review that will save me some reading time.... By the way, is it just me, I only noticed the 'favicon' for Da Goddess this morning. I am not sure if that icon is work-safe :-)

For all the would-be-lawyers out there Annika's Journal and Poetry, has some hints on how to pass the LSAT (which apparently stands for Law School Admission Test). There is also an interesting comment on the negative reaction in the American media following the arrest of Hussein.

Interested Participant always seems to pick up those little stories that everyone else misses like the protest by illegal aliens not being allowed to get a drivers licence. Bugger. I figured next time I was in the US, I would just get a new form of identity by getting an 'illegal alien driver licence' - presumably allows you to get parking tickets on your flying saucer. [Ed: Yes I know the Americans mean immigrant - I wonder if the Australian population would be happier if the illegal immigrants were called aliens instead?] I think the funniest (but serious) post would have to be this entry on the European constitution where the comment reads:

Another salient issue discussed in the post is a major difference that exists between the United States and France. That is, France has their own major media house organ and anything that is printed by Agence France-Presse should be considered a product of the French government. The US doesn't have such an entity. In fact, the content of theNYT, WaPo, and others sometimes looks like it's also been approved for publication by the French government.

My favourite post over at PD: You ... relax would have to The Rules of Manhood. This is another classic in the same vein as the one about the urinal rules. Prasad also joins in the arranged marriage discussion which has been floating around the Indian blogsphere. The whole blog has had a refit recently and I like the new style it is clean and clear. The category buttons are a great idea as well (maybe I should try that).

According to the main page, Ghost of a Flea is either a 'Fighting Quaker' or Sam Eagle. I think you have to guess which? There are some links to major entertainment stories like Barbie does the Hilton and Kylie Pigs Out.

Tiger: Raggin' and Rantin' is one of the three new blogs added to the blogroll in the last couple of weeks (and yes I am still working on the 'sort by newness' option). [Ed: One of the others also fluked a shot in this weeks roundup and the third is Firebrand's Desiderata]. Tiger (I keep saying 'tigger' as in Winnie-the-Pooh to myself) has a really interesting slant on things. For a starter, his blog claims to be a 'Pickled Pig's Foot' in the Blog Ecosystem - this is apparently a special category for a special blog. He also has these lovely quotes from other bloggers over on the right column like: "complete sentences and excellent grasp of punctuation", "approved by 7 out of 10 alien species", "He Rags, He Rants, he's full of shit.", "this blog sucks". The last comment was from 'Blog Review' and based on other recent references to it (check out Norbizness) I think that is probably a sterling recommendation. Anyway, Tiger is apparently planning to give up smoking and would appreciate some encouragement (after Jan 1). There is also some observation about weekend downtime in the blogging world. What strikes me as funny is that Monday is a quiet day in the blogsphere - then I remind myself that America is still a day behind :-)

The other newcomer to strike it lucky is GRRR Be Afraid a blog run by 'TL'. Last time TL got a mention, I correctly guessed that she was female (just look at the site and you can tell) and she kindly followed up with answers to all the questions I raised. Right now I am guessing that it is either exam time or holiday time because the last post was December 9th. There is also a post on history perspectives.

Last on the (random) list this week is Reflections in D minor (Lynn) and I noticed that her URL has changed (that link still works but this is the new link). Lynn had an interesting comment this week on this post which I think illustrates the point clearly. Most men I know see a problem as something that needs a solution whereas most women appear to be able to accept that some problems don't need (or don't have) a solution. Over on her blog Lynn has a beautiful picture of snow on leaves which I plan on keeping around to look at when the temperature hits 40 (Celsius) in the shade. Also of interest is a musical biography. I might try that some day.

I had to change the program this week because I noticed it was amalgamating sites that use the year in archive posts without the "archive" tag. This will not have affected the random choices (as they would happen regardless) but it does affect the 'Top 10 Sites' lists. After the fix, I re-ran the script and replaced the top 10 segment from the original list. This promoted 'Technically Speaking' to 5th place and displaced Cynical Cyn (17). Note that when the number of links are the same (e.g. 'Cynical Cyn' and 'When I Paint My Masterpiece') the ordering is random. I have been wondering if I should change this to reflect all the blogs greater than some threshold (say 10 links) instead).

Site Checklist
==============
Note: There are 711 links to consider.


TOP 10 Sites
============
Jivha - the Tongue (38)
All AgitProp (29)
Kingsley (28)
Interested Participant (25)
Technically Speaking (23)
The Gray Monk (20)
Dusting My Brain (19)
Utterly Boring (18)
Jay Solo's Verbosity (18)
When I Paint My Masterpiece (17)


Random 10 Sites
===============
http://tramtown.blogspot.com (2)
Da Goddess (7)
http://denbeste.nu/cd_log_entries/2003/12/InvasionofTaiwan.shtml (1)
http://www.aeternam626.com/weblog (8)
Annika's Journal and Poetry (4)
http://www.phatfrogg.blogspot.com (13)
Interested Participant (25)
http://prasad.typepad.com/pd (4)
http://www.ghostofaflea.com (1)
http://tiglaw.com/blog (10)


Weblog Awards

Wow. Voting is now closed and I guess I need to thank 117 people for voting for me (or maybe one person 117 times :-). The formal results will be issued tomorrow, presumably after checking. The winner in this category appears to be Busy Mom (go and check it out) with 129 votes.

In fact you might want to click on the logo above and check out all of the contenders. The fact that some were demoted is not a reflection on the blogs - it could easily just be a malicious vote-stuffer.... One blogger felt so strongly about the stuffing done to his blog that he withdrew from the competition Jason Kottke. Note that at the point he withdrew, he had enough votes to at least finish second.

Actually, looking through the entire list, only one "winner" is on my regular reading list: Allah is in the House (though not on the blogroll). I guess I need to expand my horizons....

Visitor 4K

The 4Kth visitor (since the new counter was set up) was from Canada and was searching for the phrase "When Elephants Mate". The question is usually along the lines of "Why is getting anything done in this company like mating elephants?" and the answer of course is "It's down at a high level and involves a lot of trumpeting and bellowing!". That quote appears in this article.

Similar quotes I have found would be "When elephants mate, the fleas get squashed" and "When elephants mate, the grass is trampled".

Basketball

There was an ad on the bus this morning for the Sydney Kings (basketball team). The caption was "See the Biggest Balls in Sport". Ugh. Don't know about you but I don't particularly want to see the privates of some big sweaty athlete. But.... it reminds me of a joke.

Have you ever noticed how the workers in an organisation follow football and basketball? The middle level managers all follow cricket (or baseball if you don't have cricket). The senior managers all follow golf.

The moral of the story: the higher you go, the smaller the balls.

The worrying thing is that Kiwis are all fanatical football fans. Hmmmm.

Quiz of the Week(end)

How weird am I?

Apparently - not very. How disappointing.

Sex / Marriage

Like the last post, I am using coffee discussion material (as opposed to personal experience) so make of this what you will :-)

Two blokes are chatting. One is single (Shane), the other married (Marvin). The single bloke looks half dead.

Marvin: So mate, out on the town last night? [Thinks: Lucky devil! What fun that must be.]
Shane: Yeah and I feel like sh*t. [Thinks: You lucky devil - good night's sleep, ready for work.]
Marvin: You look like sh*t too. [Thinks: Still I guess you earn it - to look like that you must have had a great time.]
Shane: Thanks mate. Met a top bird. [Thinks: Bluffing is the only way out. Only pickup last night turned out to be a queen so I dumped her him and got p*ss*d.]
Marvin: You must get a different chick every night. [Thinks: When I was single I could never get any and it hasn't changed since I got married.]
Shane: Yeah mate. Wouldn't be tied down for quids. [Thinks: Bullsh*t. If I could find a chick that would have me, I'd be in it like a shot - must be great with all the s*x on tap instead of chasing all night and ending up with nothing.]
Marvin: Marriage is alright. At least you don't have to keep chasing the tail. [Thinks: Because you know you won't get any.]

Both guys are completely mistaken about each other but that's what men are like. Fortunately I knew both of them (it was several years ago). Since then, Shane got married and Marvin got a divorce - now they both know the truth - women rule!

Now ladies, you know how to take advantage of us. Maybe I should restrict access to this post :-)

Mars / Venus

You know I reckon those people who suggest that men and women are from different planets are probably on to something. The thought was triggered after seeing this post over at Utterly Boring.

Women like to talk things over. At length. In detail. With repeats. They don't mind conversations that go on and on, round and round the same issues. In the end they achieve consensus or they get to do the whole thing again. Men on the other hand are lean mean problem-solving machines (2 out 3 ain't so bad). Give them a problem and they provide a solution. May not be a good solution but it is the best they can generate given the circumstances and the amount of effort they are prepared to devote to the topic at hand. Having done this they do not want to "discuss" the matter, it is solved, finished. Time to solve a new problem.

So ladies, let say you had a few issues in the day and hubby comes home after a shocking day at the office. You ask him how his day was - lets face it, he is not going to admit he couldn't solve problems at work because that is what he does - so you get a noncommittal answer. You load up some issues into the problem solving machine and he "solves" them. Don't be surprised if (a) he doesn't want to discuss them (after solving them) and (b) he appears to be "grumpy". That is a side effect of escaping from one set on insoluble problems and being hit with another lot.

Let's face it, do you pull out a calculator and ask it how it feels before you get it to solve a problem? No, it is just a tool and it just works. Well if you have a problem be careful how you present it to the problem-solving machine because once solved, it stays solved. If you reject the solution you may end up having to solve it yourself.....

All this reminds me about a comment during the morning coffee about this article which mentions the idea that men as a species are going to die out. What will happen then to the world? Those discussing it (all male) concluded that: "All the women will talk endlessly about world problems until the one with the most testosterone makes a decision :-)".

All that aside there are many reasons why men are happier (albeit more stressed) than women and you can find some of them here.

World (Rugby) Cup Again!

I know I promised that I had finished the world cup jokes but thsi one was so funny it just had to be shared. Via email from Aussie Courier.

Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten France and South Africa and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Johnny looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Johnny goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 7 - Australia 0 (Wilkinson - 10 minutes - Converted Try)". He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Johnny got on". They put the telly back on. "Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes) - Australia 7 (Sailor 79 minutes)". They can't believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." says Johnny. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team. "No, No, I have" says Johnny, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Call Centers

When you write a blog, there is at the back of your mind, the thought that your words need to be selected with some care. I often try to consider what someone else would think when they read it - not that I always get it right of course. In particular I try to notice phrases where the way we say something in Australia may be misunderstood by Americans. Remember that comment about Aussie English - we know how to say things correctly, we just frequently don't bother.

That said, some topics are more controversial than others and I am particularly aware that I have a number of Indian readers (not all of them in India either) and so I tried really hard to be careful when I was telling my story about the ISP from hell and their abysmal call centre. Today I am really glad to discover that even Indians have trouble with Indian call centres. Really the problem is not BECAUSE the call centre is Indian, the problem is because the call centres do not communicate clearly with the customers - this could be due to language difficulties, cultural differences, or just sheer bl**dy mindedness. This could (and does occur) with customer call centres in Australia, America and maybe even Canada. It can be the end result of a lack of respect for the customer.

Having worked in a retail outlet (Tandy) while studying, I am fully aware that the customer, despite the old adage, is rarely ever right. In fact the customer is often a complete blithering idiot BUT they were customers and effectively they paid my wages. That meant that I was prepared to try and give at least a little respect. I certainly did not insult their intelligence, call them names or completely ignore them (all of which seem to be common tactics today). Sometime even this did not work but it was a lot better than the situation where the call centre has absolutely no regard or respect for the client. Instead of being the person who pays your wages, the client is seen as a nuisance to be got rid of as quickly as possible. This is reflected in the call metrics and the turnover of client problems as rapidly as possible.

I reckon I could make a killing in retail just be teaching my staff to respect the customers..... even if they are on the other end of a phone call..... or even victims of a bait and switch!

Conscription

Thanks to the $1 for charity for each hit over at Bojack.org I found a number of new blogs to check out. One of them has an interesting piece on the draft question in the states. This is interesting from an Australian perspective because a similar question was raised in conjunction with the issues in East Timor. The result was this report to the Australian Parliament which concludes that it wouldn't solve the problem at the time.

In WWI there were two attempts to introduce conscription (i.e. the draft) and both were defeated (narrowly). One aspect that was particularly interesting is that the troops serving overseas where primarily against the action even though they needed the reinforcements. The issue was primarily that the volunteers felt they could trust a mate who had made the choice to fight but not a bludger who had been forced to fight.

In WWII (and at various times) we have had compulsory military training but in general the draftees could only serve in a defensive role on Australian soil. This was considered a reasonable compromise. This was changed in 1943 when the prime minister of the day (who had been jailed in 1916 for opposing conscription) found a loophole in the defence act and, without a referendum, changed things so that the conscripts could be used overseas. The last version of conscription and/or national military service was ended in December 1972.

It would be an interesting study to look at how Australia managed to raise the considerable manpower required in both wars without such a system of compulsory draftees.....

Correction

Last month, I ran an article about weird history. One of the sections claims the etymology of the phrase "dead ringer" comes from the burial customs in England:

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Now I know that all you readers understand that it was humorous but all the same I have to correct my post because someone with far more knowledge than I has explained it on the air. My wife thought that maybe he had read my post but actually I think it was circulating the net anyway. Kel is a great guy, an author, news reader / disk jockey and he had this to say:

Dead ringer
A dead ringer is a "look alike" and the expression began life in horse racing circles. I am explaining this because there is a nonsense explanation circulating on the web that involves strings running from coffins to bells above ground - so that supposedly "dead" people who regain consciousness can ring for help. "Ringer" has been a slang term for a horse substituted for another since the 1890s. It comes from an old confidence trick in which counterfeiters substituted valueless brass rings for precious gold rings. And the adjective "dead" is simply an intensifier - denoting "absolute" or "complete" as in "dead right" or "dead certainty". The nonsense explanation that continues to run around on emails fails to even explain how the expression "dead ringer" came to mean what it does today. It is a piece of "folk etymology" (or, as the linguists would say, a load of old rope) - don't believe a word of it!

You can find more of his WordWatch series online at the ABC NewsRadio site.

Out of interest, I was given a copy of The Aussie Bible (by Kel) for Christmas. Looks like a great read. You can see some of it on-line (just click on that link).

History Perspectives

Some random reading of rss feeds turned up this Wired article which outlines one of the claims that the "Wright brothers" were not the first flyers. Personally I don't think there is a conclusive case made in the article but it sort of chimed with something I had read earlier on TL's blog about historical perspectives (and I am not referring to her "history is bunk" comment). The gist of thought was that the main push for "changing" the official history is not a matter of truth or accuracy (arguing about the slope of the ground) but a matter of political expediency. If the first man person to fly was a Brazilian living in France then that is port politically palatable than having it be an American.
This brings me back to a memory from a long time ago. My mum taught geography and history at TAFE (sort of like "college" in the US I think) and when she taught history she tried to mix in with the boring written material (prepared by politically-biased historians) some 1st degree sources - i.e. people who were actually there. One of her finds was an old WWI veteran who had fought in France. When asked what was the strongest memories he commented on the smell (something not normally mentioned in history books) and the need to keep one's feet dry. He was present (in a nearby trench) when the "Red Baron" was shot down and was part of the team that went over to the downed plane. He insisted that the bullets that killed the pilot had entered from below the plane and through the seat and were not of the right type to have been fired from the air. Now I have read my official history and AFAIK the credit was granted to a brave Canadian pilot but that doesn't match the first hand source.

In a similar vein, I can remember a discussion with a WWII veteran who had been a prisoner on the Burma railway. He mentioned that the atomic bombing of Japan was a bad thing. I suggested that without it, he would have died (as would many of the others). He agreed but pointed out that what the Japanese were doing was also bad (at least equally bad) but that one wrong thing did not justify the other. That challenged my thinking because until that point in time, I could imagine having to make the decision to bomb and proceeding with it as an appropriate action (and punishment) given the information available. Now I think I would still order the bombing but after a lot more soul searching and considering it the lesser of two evil choices - order the bombing (kill the enemy) or order an invasion (and kill more allies).

Naturally the person who was there and involved may not have the whole picture but often they have insights that even those over-seeing an event may have failed to notice. Maybe history has to be a combination of overview and "underview" and certainly the more perspectives the better.

Now I need to do some reading on this "history of Texas the country" mentioned by TL.

Guest Post

As most of the regular readers would know, every now and then we have a "mystery quiz" or something similar. I try to email the winner and let them know that they can pick between a guest post or asking a question (or set of questions) that I have to answer. A couple of weeks back, The Gray Monk won and responded with both questions and a guest post. Well that is not really right BUT in this case I have had a few winners who have not responded (or their email bounced) so I figure what the heck. Then I read the questions..... Let me put it this way, I am going to need some "time out" to research the answers. Yes the questions are related to Australia (Sydney actually) but it isn't that simple. The questions are about things to do with the Catholic Church and I am not sure that my knowledge applies universally because my local church is not staffed by diocesan priests - the MSC (Missionaries of the Sacred Heart)* run it and that means the way they do things may be a little different. Anyway, I will do my research and let you all know the results.

In the meantime, here is the guest post and it explains (seriously) about the "evolution" of the bible that we use today. Sometimes in all the criticism of the Catholic Church we forget that she kept this treasure safe for a very longer period of time so that it could later be used against her.

Feel free to leave comments here or over at The Gray Monk. I am sure he will post a copy there as well.

The “Lost� Books.

More musings on the Bible

From time to time one hears of some “startling� or “newly discovered� text which will change the face of religion or “challenge the Christian story�. Most often these are purported to be “newly translated� or “never before seen� translations of the Dead Sea scrolls. You will have no doubt heard or read of the “Fifth� Gospel, ascribed to St James, and there are others as well. In reality they are seldom that new or that revolutionary.

The truth is that there is a fairly large canon of scriptural writing which does not form part of either the Old or the New Testaments as we have them today. In fact, some of these do not even form part of the Jewish canon of books recognized as the Torah. Some of these extra canonical books are fairly easily accessible – just buy a copy of the Apocrypha if you do not already possess a copy of the Bible which includes them. Why are they “extra-canonical�? They were excluded from the main body of writings deemed to have been “inspired by God� when the scriptures we have today were formalized by a succession of Councils in the first centuries of the Christian Church. The Old Testament collection, as used in the Jewish faith, was in fact formalized about a hundred years after the Christian Canon was closed and there were two versions of that in use for several hundred years. The books in the Apocrypha, with one exception, are books that appear in the Judeo-Greek Septuagint, but not in the later approved canon.

From the Fifth Century until the Reformation they formed a part of the Christian Biblical canon, but the Reformers questioned both their validity and their spiritual inspiration, eventually compromising by removing them from the primary canon and placing them as a group in a separate section. These books are deemed (Article 6 of the 39) to be useful “for example of life and instruction of manners�. Hence The Reformers view that they form an “instructional� canon which illuminates the rest of scripture. The Apocrypha collection is interesting from several points of view. Firstly, the period of their writing is Post the Babylonian exile and covers a period which begins in about 200 BC and overlaps the ministry of Christ, the events of 1 and 2 Maccabees covering the period up to about 100 AD.

Secondly they do provide a slightly different slant on some of the events described elsewhere in the Old Testament, including the period of resettlement and rebuilding of the temple in Jerusalem. Personally I find the Wisdom of Solomon and Ecclesiasticus particularly inspirational. But, there are further books in the Jewish extra-canonical collection which turn up in the Dead Sea scrolls to the delight of conspiracy theorists and others. These (and the Wisdom of Solomon in the Apochrypha is one such example) are sometimes referred to as the “Pseudepigraphica� which simply means “false title� in that the books are ascribed to someone other than the author. There is an extensive collection of these including the Testaments of the Patriarchs (twelve of them!), Enoch (four books) a Testament of Job and an Apocryphon of Ezekial to name just a few. Other books, which stand alongside that group, include the Book of Jubilees and the Lives of the Prophets.

In short – a huge collection of works! So why are they not included in the Bible itself? Would they not clear up some of the confusion and create some certainties instead? Sadly, the answer is not really. They are certainly instructional and illuminating - 2 Enoch contains an alternative creation story which is described by some scholars as the first attempt to explain the Creation scientifically – and others show how our faith grew from some very mixed beginnings and has slowly taken shape and form over the centuries. They also help us to understand how world events have caused re-evaluation of our understanding of how God works with and through us in the world. Those scholars and men of faith who fixed the canon of the Christian Bible in about 380 AD certainly recognized, and where probably familiar with, these writings, but did not consider them to add anything to the books we have today. The final shape of the Jewish Talmud did not emerge until almost 200 years later, in the so-called Babylonian Talmud, and again these books were seen as useful, but not part of the main body of historical or prophetic writing.

Despite having been excluded from the principle canon of both Christian and Jewish biblical collections, they seem to have continued in wide use. Certainly, there is evidence to suggest that Mohammed had access to, and possibly studied, some of them, as themes and sometimes almost literal quotations appear in the Koran. St John must also have been familiar with 2 Enoch 24, which begins “Before anything existed at all, from the very beginning, I created from non-being into being, and from the invisible things, into the visible.� Some of our “myths� and non-Biblical stories can also be attributed to these writings, particularly in the naming of angels (Book of Jubilees among others) and some of the legends concerning Jesus’ early life come from the Christian version of the “pseudepigraphica�.

Turning now to the New Testament collection, I expect that you, like me, would have found it valuable to be able to see the letters written to St Paul and perhaps to have a wider view on some of the other events described in the letters. Unfortunately these did not survive, but there is a large collection of complete and incomplete documents which were written in the first 400 years of the church which did. While the various Councils, which worked to provide the form of the final canon, recognized most of these as “heretical�, they do add something to our understanding of how the Bible was finally put together. They also help to explain why the early church got so worked up about some of the ideas they promote!

The extra-canon includes several Gospels, including one attributed by its author to Nicodemus which also goes by the rather strange title of “The Acts of Pilate�! It almost ignores the entire ministry and focuses instead on the Passion and Resurrection, claiming to be a “translation� of an eyewitness account of those events. Even in 380 AD it was regarded as a rather laboured attempt to provide “proof� – which the Council felt detracted from the events rather than enhanced them. Another such “Passion� Gospel is one attributed to Bartholomew. Written by an unknown author using the Apostles name, it is set entirely in the period following the resurrection and is a work which is associated with an early heresy called “Docetism� which claimed that Christ was not a man at all, but a “Heavenly Power� who chose to act in human form.

There are other works in this collection including a number of Acts of various Apostles and several Apolcalyptic books in similar vein to Revelations. As with the Old Testament collection of extra-canonical writings, most add little to our understanding of the God we worship and serve, except in the light they throw upon the struggles of the early Church to get to grips with the enormity of the task of bringing the Gospel of Our Lord to all the nations. They reveal the many false starts and blind alleys that some writers explored and illuminate many of the early heresies. Again, there is some evidence to suggest that they influenced more than just the Christian communities who read them. They also reveal just how influential the Pauline school of theology became by showing us what alternative views were held. In one important area, for me, they made me aware of just how far we, in Western Christianity, have moved in our interpretation, from the original source.

So, are these works lost? The answer is not really. They are available if you are determined enough to trace them. In fact some are still in use by branches of the faith such as the Ethiopian Coptic Church and some of the isolated Churches of the Middle East. For us, in Western Christianity, some of the books can be read in the Apochrypha, some are available if you have access to the reference sections of major theological libraries at some of the older universities – and the ability to read them in the original language. For most of us, it is a case of reading about them in treatises by those who have studied them in depth and there is a wide selection of literature available on this subject. One of the most readable (especially if you have a mind like mine that has difficulty staying awake in some deeply academic tomes!) is a book entitled “The Lost Bible� by J R Porter.

Did exploring these lost books help me understand my faith any better? The answer has to be both yes, and no. It made me look at a number of things in a new light, but it also raised a number of questions – which I must now go away and find answers too. Has it changed my faith? Yes, I think it has, and for the better.

Peace be with you always.

Kind Deed

Hey it is really late (or rather early) here - I have been sitting up doing Christmas cards. On the one hand it is good that the list is getting shorter but on the other hand that means there are more people I have lost contact with.... Anyway, just before I knock off for the night, I checked the new feeds in NetNewsWire and found an entry over at Utterly Boring which points to this blog. The deal is that Jack (at Jack Bog's Blog) is going to hand over $1 ($US I think) to charity for every hit he receives yesterday (well actually today if you are somewhere west of here). Check him out - each legitimate click is $1 for a charity. You get a good read and the feeling that you have done something for mankind and it won't cost you a cent (other than your internet access fees....). As best as I can tell it is 5 AM yesterday there when it is midnight here so there is a good 20 hours of click time still going and so far there have only been 68 hits....

[Update: Jack made his target. Thanks for the readers who joined in. There is a list of other bloggers who linked in as well and I am going to check them out tonight - don't be surprised if I come back with a bunch of new links :-)]

Last Weekend

Just for PixelDiva, I decided that I would post this article. I drafted it but was in two minds about posting it. Really it was in reserve just in case someone asked why there was no review posted on the weekend, but nobody asked - presumably nobody noticed either :-) PixelDiva was pointing out that the best thing about blogs is not just the news and the cross-referencing but the little personal glimpses:

Maybe it's because I'm nosy, but I really enjoy reading about people's lives. I love that little glimpse inside someone's head - not dissimilar to a peek inside someone's not-quite-closed curtains as you're travelling home on the bus. In a sense it broadens my horizons - shows me things that are outside my normal daily routine.

I think she is right about that, one of the things that I really like is reading about someone else's life and discussing things with people I would never normally meet (e.g. via the comments)....

What follows was the original draft article....

G'day Readers,
There was no Blog Roundup this weekend because I was too busy. I know you are the most important people in the world (after my family) but in this case my family took precedence. It's a bit of a long story but it started about 2000 years ago ... I guess you know that part already ... well to cut the story short, we had our family Christmas parties on the weekend. Saturday involved my Mum and all four of my brothers and their wives and kids. It was a pretty casual affair - cold meat (ham, turkey), salads, chicken wings, little frankfurts, cheese platter - regular laid back Aussie Christmas meal. Lots of punch (non-alcoholic and manufactured on the premises) and some beer (not many takers for the beer this year). Sunday was a similar deal with some cousins and some of my wife's family. There was a Christmas tree, presents, photos, bad jokes - all the usual sort of family stuff. It was really great that Aussie Courier got back from his honeymoon in time to attend and the brother-in-law in England got on the blower (translation - telephone) to participate. Only people missing were my sister and a great-great aunt who both had prior appointments.
One of the punny highlights was somebody (might have been D) spotting that all the women who had found Mr Right were in the one place at the one time and so of course that had to be a photo opportunity. [Ed: That joke is funnier if you know what my real name.] The kids had great fun with young cousins available both days to play with and run around. Despite the stress and hard work all the kids were really well behaved except for the youngest who kept crying every time I looked at her. Must be the beard I think cause nobody else had the same problems :-)
On the Friday my wife had made a wobble cake (if you want the recipe, just ask - it involves jelly, cream and pineapple juice) which is always a big hit. What we didn't allow for was that it was an even bigger hot than expected and it got polished off on the Saturday. So Saturday night I was running round like a blue-*rsed fly trying to get more ingredients to make another batch for the Sunday - which was even more popular but there were less people to eat it.
All in all it was a great weekend and I hope next year we will be able to arrange it a bit earlier (this year was mucked up with the car being wrecked) and get everyone on the same day. It is nice to take it easy and catch up a bit. We all make great plans for the year about seeing each other and doing things together (and we really will in 2004) but it is hard as you get older and move apart. It seems that Christmas is the one time when we usually make the extra effort and I think it is worth it.

P.S. We will try and catch up with the Great-Great-Aunt next weekend (or the one after) and I have asked my sister to have lunch with me in the city - just to complete the picture.

Mid-week Mystery

This is an Australian native - another bird - what is it and what does it eat?

Now this week is really, really easy - so go ahead and have a guess.

Visitor 3K

The 3Kth visitor (since the new counter was set up) was looking for a Slim Dusty song. At least that is an improvement on the last one who was looking for "Men's Underpants".

Surprisingly, this was matched a few hours later by the Newton page counter:

Not bad for the little green machine. It appears to have a problem at the moment with parallel requests (i.e. two page requests at the same time) where one of the requests is delivered but the port is not released (the machine becomes unreachable even though the machine thinks everything is OK). The normal solution to this is to use the automatic restart module BUT this seems to have problems with the ethernet card in that the restart fires up HTTP but without an active network connection (no lights on the router). Oh well, maybe the next release will fix it - I should check to make sure that there hasn't already been a patch released for it :-) Unlike the Mac, there is no automatic Software Update process!

Voting and Awards

Wow. I have 18 votes in the flappy bird category. That is more than I expected, thanks a lot. Jay Solo has some interesting comments on the process. He notes that the extra exposure from the contest may move him up the ecosystem ladder which is a better reflection of the additional readers than the votes in the blog awards.

In an effort to boost Jay's rating, I read through all the current articles to find ones that might appeal to all the readers out there. How about the definition of a terrorstinian, a strange cat picture (link goes here) and a story about ketchup (link goes here). The story is interesting and mentions the Chinese fish sauce that started the whole thing going but it fails to mention that Ketchup is transliteration of the Cantonese for Tomato Sauce (Jup is a sauce, Ker is tomato).

On a more serious note, Jay asks about the use of the reset button.....

Jokes

The old email joke mill is running really slow at the moment so I am going to point you at another blog with lots of good stuff: Cynical Cyn. Now I have had trouble with her css sheets in Safari but it seems to work OK in Camino so if you can't read the jokes, don't give up, try another browser - it is well worth the effort.

In the last week or so, there has been Italian Mathematics, Celebrating Christmas, Husband and the rake, Things better left unsaid and Bubba Claus.

That should be 100% of your daily humour requirements :-)

Public Holidays

For Google: Do Australian's celebrate Thanksgiving? NO.

That one liner is to help Google searchers. Given how often this question has been asked lately, I figured it would save people lots of time because they can see the answer directly on the search page - or at least they will be able to - once Google indexes the page :-)

The public holidays in NSW (which is just one state in Australia) are:
- New Year's Day (1st January)
- Australia Day (26th of January) [See Note 1]
- Easter (Friday + Saturday + Sunday)
- Anzac Day (25th April)
- Queen's Birthday (2nd Monday in June) [See Note 2]
- Bank Holiday (1st Monday in August) [See Note 3]
- Labour Day (1st Monday in October)
- Christmas Day (25th December)
- Boxing Day (26th December)

If a public holiday falls on a Sunday it usually gets shifted to the following Monday. In case of doubt, the premier can declare a substitute day (done when New Year fell on a Sunday).

The closes thing to Thanksgiving is probably TGIF (Note 4), also known as POETS day (Note 5). We celebrate by booking a table for lunch in the bistro of the nearest pub. Have a two hour lunch and a couple cold ones (that's beer) and then doze at the desk in the afternoon. If you take the boss with you to lunch you can probably stay at the hotel all afternoon - as long as you are shouting (buying drinks).

Thanks to Grrrr Be Afraid for suggesting the topic.

Supplementary Notes are in the Extended Article ....

Supplementary Notes

1. Note that Australia Day is actually not "Australia" Day. Technically it is when the first fleet (colonists) landed and put up a flag which started the colony of New South Wales (26th January 1788). The Commonwealth of Australia (the nation) was formed on January 1, 1901 (first day of the 20th Century). Some of the other states would prefer to celebrate Australia Day on January 1 but then we would lose one public holiday :-(

2. The Queen's birthday is not in June. I think it is in April but we already have public holidays in April so she got shifted to June. Strange idea but taken for granted. This used to be fire-cracker weekend (until firecrackers got banned).

3. This is to compensate bankers for the fact that they work less hours than everyone else (banks typically open 10 am to 4 pm, monday to friday). Other workers do not get this holiday and have to work without being able to visit the bank for 24 hours. Instead they usually have what is called an "industry picnic" day (which could be a union mandated holiday) or an additional day selected between Christmas and New Year.

4. TGIF = Thank God It's Friday.

5. POETS = Piss Off (Leave Work) Early, Tomorrow's Saturday.

Comments

Paul Jané must be the only blogger I know whose comments are longer than the articles :-) He started a discussion about the relative strengths of the Canadian Military (one of his pet peeves) and then he had to berate a confused commentator which led to a second article which has even more detailed comments. Being international (yes Vicki, the internet is available on computer and it works all over the world), some of the comments are from non-Canadians.
There is an undertone in some of the discussions that reflects the tension between Canada and there southern neighbours which is quite similar to the tension between Australia and New Zealand. NZ his effectively disbanded the non-transport sections of the airforce (i.e. they no longer have an air attack capability) and Australians feel that this is primarily because they will rely on Australian support. In the same way, it appears that there is a risk that the Americans will think that the Canadians are relying on the US military and I agree with Paul that this is not a great idea. If you want to go down that path then you need to be on really good terms with each other - almost a de-facto extension (51st state in the case of Canada, 7th state* in the case of New Zealand).
The Gray Monk has also waded in and points out that the problem is not just Canada, in particular he talks about the ratio of defence personnel to public servants which is more frightening that Paul's references to percent of gdp.
One solution is to hire a policeman (the US) and let them do all the hard work for a fee but the problem with that is deciding who guards the guardian - or more significantly, who controls the guardian. It certainly won't be Kofe Again and the UN (Unnecessary Natering)...

[* The Australian states are: Western Australia, South Australia, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, Tasmania. The Northern Territory is not a state (it is a territory) and the ACT is not a real state - it is a joke.]

Sensible Judges

Apart from Steve H most lawyers are in a class of their own (and I was very surprised to see that scored higher than politicians as being more useful - at least they scored lower in the ethics category) and this means it can be hard to tell when a court will do something completely wacky. Forget the "man in the street" idea, courts are normally so far removed from reality that nothing that could do or say should really surprise us. Take this case:

IBM won a tactical victory Friday in a legal battle with SCO Group when a judge ordered SCO to show within 30 days the Linux software to which it believes it has rights and to point out where it believes IBM is infringing.
...
In a hearing in Salt Lake City, Federal Judge Dale A. Kimball required SCO to produce two key batches of information IBM had sought in the case.
In one batch, called Interrogatory No. 12, IBM sought "all source code and other material in Linux...to which plaintiff (SCO) has rights; and the nature of plaintiff's rights." In the second, Interrogatory No. 13, Big Blue sought a detailed description of how SCO believes IBM has infringed SCO's rights and whether SCO ever distributed the source code described in Interrogatory No. 12.
The information IBM sought is at the heart of the case, a bold lawsuit SCO began in March that alleges IBM moved technology from Unix to Linux against the terms of its contract with SCO, violating trade secrets in the process. SCO is seeking $3 billion from Big Blue, and is also trying to compel Linux-using corporations to license SCO's Unix. The judge's decision is one of the first moves in a case that will affect not just IBM but also other computing giants including Oracle, Hewlett-Packard, SAP and Dell that have embraced Linux.
...
IBM welcomed Kimball's decision. "IBM has said all along SCO has failed to show evidence to back its claims. We are very pleased the court has indicated it will compel SCO to finally back up its claims instead of relying on marketplace FUD" (fear, uncertainty and doubt), spokeswoman Trink Guarino said.
With interrogatory No. 12, IBM is essentially seeking to pin down what precisely SCO believes is in Linux that infringes Unix intellectual property. Though it hasn't said so in court, SCO executives in interviews have pointed to Unix technology including read-copy update (RCU), symmetrical multiprocessing (SMP), nonuniform memory access (NUMA) and IBM's Journaled File System (JFS).
Work on that software took place at IBM or a company called Sequent it acquired. SCO doesn't dispute that IBM owns copyrights to that software but does argue that the agreement under which IBM and Sequent licensed Unix prohibit Big Blue from making the software public.
Interrogatory No. 13, in which IBM is trying to find out if SCO distributed Linux software that violates SCO's Unix intellectual property rights, would provide evidence that relates to IBM's counterattack. IBM argues that SCO's distribution of a Linux product means it has agreed to the GPL's terms and therefore given permission to use that particular Unix technology in Linux.

Sanity prevails. This is probably the one time in my career where I am cheering on IBM.....

Blog Awards

I am not doing too well in the blog awards. Despite multiple nominations, the only votable entry is in the Flappy Birds category where I have a whole 2 votes. Wow.

You can of course vote for lots of the blogroll in other categories though. I voted for:
- USS Clueless (Best Blog)
- Allah is in the House (Best New Blog)
- Jivha (Best Foreign Blog)
- Little Tiny Lies (Best Humour Blog)
- On The Third Hand (Best Conservative Blog)
- Truth Laid Bear (Best Higher Being Blog)
- Practical Penumbra, Jay Solo, Tiger, Happy Furry Puppy, Reflections in d minor and Alphecca (Best Large Mammal Blog)
- Interested Participant (Best Marauding Marsupial Blog)

Naturally, you don't need to vote the same way but you should at least vote.....

If I missed you (and you are on the blog roll) let me know and I'll add you to the list ....

BTW, The Gray Monk and Aussie Courier didn't make the cut - I am not sure why.

Quiz of the Week(end)

[Ed: I wanted to be a dragon :-(]

You are F'lar, Weyrleader of Benden Weyr. Your
determination and ruthlessness saved a planet
from destruction. Both hero and dictator, you
have a magnetic personality.


The Ultimate PERN Quiz!
brought to you by Quizilla

What Colour Am I?

According to the stats:

Out of 30970 livejournallers who have taken the quiz, 868 (2.8%) were darkslateblue.

and there are 40 colours. Assuming an even distribution we would expect 775 people to be this colour so in fact it is more popular than average (which would have been 2.5%). Interesting to note if this means there are more depressed blue bloggers than average across the whole population ...

Friday Five (Fake)

Well apparently there will be no Friday5 this week. That means I can either just make up something or go to the trouble of finding an old Friday5 that looks interesting. I could go to some effort here but on the other hand, most of you readers aren't taking the effort to vote in the exciting poll about the blog logo so I can't be bothered either. Instead I am going to make up a Friday5 and run with it ...

Pick 5 blog entries you have read today and give a one line description.

1. Assuming that today is the last 24 hours then I want to start with the helpful hints of Cynical Cyn who advises that us guys should not buy things that plug-in for our better halves for Christmas (doesn't leave a lot of hope for the testosterone enhanced among us).

2. Someone else wonders why we (as in mankind humankind) don't have a moon base and notes that the world is fragile WITHOUT turning into a dope-smoking, tree-hugging, job-destroying greenie.

3. Some women wymyn (makes me think of wyvern and all Pratchett readers know that you can't clear your shoes afterwards) want to be one with the boys and some do not (this is the same server as Paul but the link came via Jay Solo).

4. Having kids may not be a good idea unless you can cope with havoc (link was via Steve but I have no idea why Dame Edna Everage appears in the right hand column of this blog).

5. Jivha claims to have resolved the WMD question by invoking Schrodinger's Cat (which overlooks the fact that Bushy went to Eye-rack, not to have dinner with the troops, but to take delivery of the WMDs).

Not a very impressive Friday5 but the best I could do at short notice. If you slackos would like to go and vote for the blog logo I might be able to come up with something later. Remember as I always say: Vote Early and Vote Often. Voting closes when the article drops of the main page (probably about Monday/Tuesday next week).

World (Rugby) Cup

This should (hopefully) be the last of the world cup jokes for a while, but in Spike (part of today's SMH) there is a little story about the English newspapers demanding the return of the fateful ball which won the cup for England and it is entitled Why Poms have no balls:

The Rugby World Cup - and its bitter end - is gone but not forgotten. The Sun in London is running a campaign demanding the return of the ball that the star kicker Jonny Wilkinson placed between the posts in the 99th minute of the Sydney final. The Gilbert ball, which delivered England's odious victory, apparently disappeared in the crowd in the post-goal fervour, never to be seen again.
"Those dastardly Aussies have nicked a vital piece of England's Rugby World Cup history," the tabloid alleges. Readers are urged to cut out a coupon entitled, "Oi, you thieving Aussies, give us our ball back!" and send it to the Australian High Commission in London.
Since the British refuse to return the Parthenon sculptures, the Sphinx's nose, and various Aboriginal skeletons to their rightful owners, Spike doesn't think they are on very high moral ground when it comes to some sweaty old piece of pigskin. We shall not succumb.

Politics Down Under III

Can I pick 'em? Check out this story in the SMH which has a picture of Latham (leader of the federal opposition (Labour) party) standing next to an American flag:

The leader of government business, Tony Abbott, accused Mr Latham of having "a brutal streak", saying that his life had left "a trail of human wreckage" including his "abandoned" former wife.
Mr Abbott launched his attack following critical comments about Mr Latham from his first wife, Gabrielle Gwyther, the Premier, Bob Carr, and a taxi driver, Bachir Mustafa, whose arm was broken in an altercation with Mr Latham two years ago.
"The fact is that the Leader of the Opposition is no alternative prime minister, because in the end it is the character that counts," Mr Abbott told Parliament.

Just in case you thing this is strong language, check out what Latham said about Abbott earlier:

In July last year, Mr Latham launched a similarly vitriolic attack on Mr Abbott for leaving the priesthood and giving up for adoption a child he fathered out of marriage.
"Tony Abbott is always walking away," Mr Latham said then. "As a young man he became a 'hereditary disappear'. Then he walked away from his responsibilities as a priest. Then he walked away from the DLP and joined the Liberal Party."

I find it hard to believe that (a) the Labour party did not realise the risk of running such a controversial loud-mouth as leader and (b) that they expected the electorate to accept him as a prime-ministerial candidate. Personally I think the leadership ballot ended up being no more than a factional result where such considerations fell by the roadside.
The story behind the American flag can be found here:

Prime Minister John Howard has warned Mark Latham that he is in "big school" now as he accused the new opposition leader of immaturity and inept tokenism in his first three days at Labor's helm.
After arriving in the Nigerian capital Abuja today for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM), Mr Howard wasted no time in attacking Mr Latham, who took over a divided Labor party on Monday.
Mr Latham flew both the Australian and American flags at a press conference in Canberra yesterday after a meeting with US Ambassador Tom Schieffer in which he tried to smooth over his remarks that US President George W Bush was "incompetent and dangerous".
Mr Howard had previously claimed Mr Latham's remarks made before the Iraq war made him a danger to the alliance, but now seems content that the new leader poses as big a threat to his own Labor party.
"I remain of the view that you've got to do more than engage in a bit of inept tokenism than a display of flags to show maturity in relation to our alliance with the United States," Mr Howard told journalists in Abuja.
"My criticism was that the highly personal nature of the attack on the current president of the United States was not only irresponsible but displayed a streak of political tribalism which is not appropriate for an alternative prime minister.
...
Mr Latham said he had not retracted or apologised to Mr Schieffer for his remarks, but cleared the air with him about the past and wanted to move forward.
But Mr Howard said Mr Latham had to learn that politics was not as simple as disowning previous comments and moving on.

Oh well, my other prediction was that at least the campaign will be more interesting and it looks like this is a thrilling start.

In completely unrelated political news, the BBC informs us that Australia [is] to join US [missile] defence plan which suggests that at least Howard had the guts to stand up to China. Back in February, China told us that we should not get involved because it would upset regional stability. I can only assume this comment is along the same lines as the threat advice they offered to Taiwan.

[Ed: If the majority of the readers out there couldn't give a rats (short for rat's *rs*) about Aussie politics, feel free to let me know and I'll refrain from waffling on about it in public. On the other hand if you would like to be reassured that Aussie politicians are just as shallow and useless as your own, then I'll keep up the commentary.]

Congratulations!

Congratulations to Eddy award for NetNewsWire. For me, NNW is an essential part of my daily routine. All my favourite (blogroll) blogs are in there (assuming they have an RSS feed) and there are a bunch of potential blogroll candidates as well. This means I see the postings on these blogs without having to go and check the individual blogs. The downside is of course that I am reading your blog (or the extracts of it) without hitting the page counter. Hmmmmm. I wonder if I can put the page counter code into the rss feed...... Let me think about that a bit more.....
Anyway, not only are blogs in NNW but I now have my comments feeds as well which means I know when people (or spammers) post comments which helps me to respond faster.

Other Eddy awards went to OmniGraffle and Salling Clicker both of which I use.

Hospital Humour

[Ed: Another post based on an email from The Gray Monk.]

Actual writings on Mpumalanga hospital charts
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history hasbeen remarkably insignificant with B only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Weblogging for Credit?

In what must be yet another sign of the dumbing-down of education, both Jivha and Tony have pointed out that MIT is offering a course on blogging.

Similar signs of (a lack of) intelligence have surfaced over at AtAT where US banks are apparently trying Windows for ATMs to make themselves more virus susceptible.

Finally we have the ultimate reward, the 2Kth visitor (since the new counter was set up) was looking for .... wait for it ....

I think I am going to reset my counters at midnight, New Years Eve (Hogmanay).

Picture

One of my regular readers who is a much better writer also turns out to be a much better artist. He has supplied this image to replace the talking head logo:

I intend to frame the picture and hang it on the wall in the home-office and also pin a copy up at work. BUT should it replace the bloke with the big head?

How do you spell?

[Ed: This is another gem from the vault combined with a poem I memorised as a kid....]

How do you spell banana?
I was in the Spelling Bee,
I hoped to get the top,
I started to spell banana,
But I didn't know when to stop...

Bee-Aye-Enn-Aye-Enn-Aye-Enn-Aye-Enn-Aye-Enn-Aye-Enn-Aye-Enn-Aye

How do you spell Potato?
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

Odds and Sods ....

No you are not dreamin, this is an interim post to the weekly blog.... There were just a bunch of blog things I wanted to post about that are not related and too small to make into a whole post on the main blog. Think of it is a collection of mini bits.....

First up there is the sad news about blogshares. Then there was the even sadder news about BattleStar Galactica (2003) which according to Practical Penumbra is going to have a female playing the role of Starbuck. That just won't work. How are Starbuck and his boss going to drink themselves silly while talking about women? Actually Starbuck was my favourite character - I think I'll have to settle for the original series which is now on DVD at Amazon (link found via Battlestar Galactica which was found via Richard Hatch who played Captain Apollo).

Speaking of fighting wrongs everywhere, here is another crusader who has tried to do "the right thing" (tm). As some of you would be aware there has been an uproar over at the Blog Ecosystem about the way a certain blogger had set up counters and voting. Without going into the politics of the matter, I think Kynn has done the right thing.

On a completely unrelated note, Jivha pointed to a most amusing Google search. I have no idea how that got there....

Finally, non blog-related there was the new Labour (that would be liberal in the US? because Labour are left of centre while Liberal here is right of centre) leaders joke: Why is Howard like Bonsai? Because he is a little Bush.

Changes

Last night (and early this morning) has been spend investigating opml/blog roll options. I am trying to organise "recently updated" sorting on the blogroll. This is a feature (not yet implemented) in TypePad but there doesn't appear to be a direct equivalent in MT. Well I think I have a solution sussed out and if it works I'll tell youse (Australian equivalent to the American "yall" and pronounced "ewes", plural of you) about it.

In the process I stumbled over a blog about Australian blogs (at least I think that's what it is) but more significantly, I found that blogshares is gone. That is a real disappointment - I fooled around with it in the early days and Aussie Courier was into it in a big way. The guy behind it is still around at MonkeyX but apparently the last database failure was the final straw. All the best Seyed and thanks for the fun.

Mid-week Mystery

This is an Australian native - what is it and what does it eat?

Definition of Copyright

[Ed: Another bit of humour from the crypt - June 2002]

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right.  If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy.  If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write.  His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

2003 Weblog Awards

Nominations are now open for the 2003 Weblog awards. Pop over there are register your favourite blog (or yourself if you like). There are awards for new blogs, foreign blogs (presumably non-American), and all of the categories in the Blog Ecosystem. That means that even new blogs or ones with only a few readers still have a chance. Don't wait, go visit and start nominating.....

Politics Down Under II

Well the party have spoken. Even the SMH understood the impact of this decision:

Federal Labor MPs today threw caution to the wind and narrowly chose a "generational change", voting for 42-year-old Mark Latham to lead the party over the experienced former leader Kim Beazley by 47 votes to 45.
In announcing the news, Labor's returning officer Bob Sercombe said "the caucus has spoken and we have moved onto a new generation".
"I think the spirit is now to unite and defeat the Howard government"

I am not sure which paper or news service Bob reads in the morning but obviously it wasn't this one. Basically the poll supports my contention - putting Kim in would make it feasible to expect a Labour victory (or at least a good showing at the polls), putting Latham in would mean entertaining politics but another dose of the Liberals.
A quick poll of "me mates" could find only one Latham supporter and even he was wavering. Mind you he didn't like my TV advert - thought too many people might agree with the sentiments even if they would be mature enough to not mention them in polite company. That sort of summarises the problem - Latham does not behave in a mature fashion - and as an immature loudmouth he would not make a suitable Prime Minister.

Longhorn vs Panther

You have to to follow the circuit here - I noticed a new comment in NetNewsWire (because the comment feeds on all my blogs are available over RSS) from Jake at Utterly Boring (he was commenting on the Digital IQ post). His post read:

I scored a 196. What'd you score? Link from the man down under (who scored higher than me). I'm sure Ken will score higher because he's got a whole bunch of stupid toys.

Now who the heck is Ken? How can he score more than I did? (Quite easily really but that would spoil the drama here). It turns out that Ken has a site called Breaking Windows: a Mac user in a Windows world and that is where I found a beautiful comment on Longhorn:

My favorite quote is 'I sure hope it's superior' since Longhorn is 3 yrs. off, and we are using Panther today.

BTW, I can't find the trackbacks for Ken's site so I am afraid there will be no ping to let him know I've posted this.... too bad.

New Blog: Tiger: Raggin' and Rantin'

This is not really a "new" blog but it is a new blog for me. I was following a trackback link (to the MT vulnerability story) and found Tiger: Raggin' and Rantin'. Given my limited knowledge of US geography, I am guessing that Tiger is in Texas (from the map). Lets check, yup he is part of the Texas Blog webring as well. There is an interesting variation on the "Night Before Christmas". Elsewhere Tiger wants to enter the blog awards for "Crappiest Blog" or "Ugly Guy Authored Blog". I reckon I could run second in the later one :-) It is interesting that I hear the word crap all the time but have not heard it used in some of the ways Tiger does: crapper, crappiest.

Now I was going to sign off at this point with the suggestion that you go read the blog yourself but then I found another post in the links section about Tig's rules on parentin' and after reading that I figure this guy needs to be on the blogroll. That was the clearest and neatest definition I have heard on how to raise kids. Way to go Tig.

I think I need to look into his USURP thing as well....

What is a sassenach?

I was writing an email yesterday and used the word sassenach. My six year old popped up at my elbow and pointed at the word and said: "What is a sassenach?" Oh boy. How do you condense history into something that can be explained to a six year old. How do you explain the to and fro of Scot vs English?

Well, one thing you can do is turn to Google and then you might find this site which has a perfect explanation including the timeless quote:

Can ye tell a Sassenach? O course, ye can always tell a Sassenach - but ye canna tell em mickle!

Then there is the lovely closing paragraph:

Other folk have strange was ospeech - Whah, Ah do declayun, thas so kand o yall! or ye might hear somwhat like Wotcher, guv! Tyke a butchers at me gel there. Aynt she sumpn? So ocoorse, mony Sassenach hae trooble wi the wa guid Scots speak. I ken a lassie nicht sae lang syne wha asked me aboot my accent. She went aroond tae and frae, prating tha she couldna mak oot my woorrds! Och, bairn, ilka Sassenach maun no ken Anglic verra mickle!

[Ed: The last sentence reads something like: Oh, my son, it seems that the English Sassenach doesn't understand English very well!].

Computer Users

[Ed: This has been sitting in the in-tray since August 2002. It was sent by Aussie Courier who should be back on the air (after his honeymoon) soon.]

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key
that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

I guess there are also system administrators who can break lots of computers - all at the same time :-)

Politics Down Under

We all know that "poly" means many and a "tic" is a pest. Well the many pests in Canberra are running around like "chooks with their heads cut off" (guess you need to be a farm boy to visualise that image :-) but feel free to substitute something similar).

You may recall that the leader of the alternate government (also known as the opposition) resigned on Friday when he realised that most of the electorate still didn't know who he was. According to the ABC (link via om_blog) that makes him the first Labour leader to not contest an election (I thought Hayden didn't either but I am not sure of my facts).

For non-locals (and those who have no clue), there are two main parties: Labour (unionist, nominally left of centre) and Liberal (employer, nominally right of centre). The leadership of the federal labour party is now up for grabs (and may have been decided by the time you read this). The big chance is that the existing government faces an election next year (within the next six months if my calculations are correct) and given the length of time they have been in power, there is likely to be a swing against the government. The two leading contenders are Kim Beazley (nice "family man" but not perceived as being a "strong leader") and Mark Latham ("strong leader" but definitely not a "nice man"). Personally the smart move would be to take Beazley who is well known in the electorate and should be presentable. If Latham wins, the government can run anti-Latham adverts by just quoting him. Picture this:

Black screen. White words appear, one phrase at a time. "Federal Election 2004". "Choose your candidate." Picture dissolves to Howard looking dignified (standing on a chair?) at any formal event. Picture dissolves to clip of Latham speaking: "Howard is an arse-licker". Dissolve to Howard speaking calmly in parliament. Dissolve to clip of Latham speaking: "The government is a conga-line of suck holes". Dissolve to Howard and Bush togther. Dissolve to Latham: "Bush is the most incompetent and dangerous president in living memory." Fade to black. Words in white: "Your vote counts".

Note: All the Latham quotes are authentic (see this story).

So if you were nominating a new leader, would you run the risk of using Latham? I still reckon a better strategy would have been to hang on to Crean until about 8 weeks before the election. Then dump him and replace him with Latham (i.e. repeating the Hawk / Hayden play). That way there would be no time to criticise him before the election and afterwards would be too late. Now you would have to go with Beazley and who knows, maybe even I could vote for him :-)

[Obligatory Notice: This is not a paid advertisement, the author is expressing an opinion. The author normally votes National Party or Christian Democrat. The author also believes that governments are like babies nappies - if you don't change them regularly, they end up full of cr*p.]

Christmas Cake

Of course, you are all wondering what I could have been doing on the weekend that interrupted the weekly Blog Roundup. Well here is one excuse (it may not be correct but at least it is funny). Please read it out loud for added effect:

All this talk of Christmas is making me pine for the days of yore when I would help Great Grandma make Christmas cake. Here's the recipe (as best as I can remember it, it's a little fuzzy):

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. NOTE: Whiskey may be replaced with your favorite swill^H^H^H^Hbeverage. Being of Scottish ancestry, we naturally used Scotch.

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

And then with throbbing head, explain why you haven't completed the weekly Blog Roundup!

Country Living

[Ed: This joke was delivered with the morning coffee ... by Weby]

There was this kid who lived in the country and he was into tractors in a big way. He had tractor curtains, tractor sheets, tractor quilt, and tractor posters on the wall. He could recite statistics and details of every tractor currently on the market and lots of the ones that had long since been retired. His greatest thrill was going out on the tractor with Dad to work on the farm. Anyway, the old family tractor eventually winged its way to the scrapyard in the sky and when they bought a new one, the salesman was really impressed by the youngsters knowledge. In fact he was so impressed he gave the family free tickets to a tractor show, exhibition and conference in the big smoke. Boy did that cause a big of excitement. The great day dawned and the whole family bundled up and headed to the city. For a number of reasons (traffic being one of them) they got there around lunch time only to be turned away by the security guard. "Sorry", he said, "but we are full up and no one else is allowed in". The whole family pleaded with him but it was useless. They went home with the kid more depressed than he had ever been. When he got home he tore down his posters, ripped up the curtains and chucked the sheets and quilt in the trash. He removed all evidence of tractors from his life.

Some considerable time later, he was sitting in a diner with a young lady when there was a terrible fire in the kitchen. Black heavy smoke whet everywhere and all the patrons started to panic. The lad called out for everyone to calm down and then stood up. He breathed in and sucked up all the smoke, walked outside and breathed out again - blowing all the smoke away. "Wow" said the manager of the joint, "that was incredible - how did you do that."

"It was easy", said the boy, "after all - I am an ex-tractor fan".