G'day Mate: Laugh Out Loud Archives

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Lawyers

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

A: Another lawyer.

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (1)

Social works and lightbulbs....

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."

2) None. Social workers never change anything.

3) None. They empower it to change itself!

4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.

5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.

6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.

7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM

Men vs Computers?

Why is a man different from a computer?

You only have to tell the computer once.

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)

The less you know, the more you get paid...

It's widely held that ignorance rises to the executive level, with a concurrent rise in pay; but, until now, we've had only anecdotal evidence of such. Well, finally, a formal proof is to be had.

1) Axiom - Knowledge is Power

2) Axiom - Time is Money

3) Power = Work / Time (Classical Physics)

4) Knowledge = Work / Money (substitution)

Therefore, Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, for any given amount of Work, Money approaches Infinity as Knowledge approaches Zero!

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (1)

College Graduates

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)

Natural Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM

Lawyer Jokes

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)

Microsoft vs vi

Someone sent me a link to this post: How the vi editor would seem if it has been made by Microsoft. Check it out (and laugh) if you are a Unix geek.

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM

A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Brick".

The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground. He then yelled to the worker, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".

Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, "Bbbbbbbbbbbbbb Bugger. Too late."

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (2)

The graveyard...

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Posted by Ozguru at 07:00 AM | Comments (0)